I promise to write~!

Okay, so I didn't write when I told you I would, sue me! (Actually please don't I have enough stress for now thank you!)

Look for an update on the last several days tonight when I get home late from work, or if I actually do work maybe before I leave for the day!

Behind

I'm having a bit of a franktic day, can't post too much now. News at 11 (or maybe tomorrow).

Getting Closer

I do apologize for not writing the last several days, it's just that nothing profound has happened, and I like to write when something significant has happened or I just ramble on. I appreciate the comment on my previous posting about pictures in the house and memories of my late wife and how that will affect my new wife. It was nice to hear from an independent third party, thank you poster whoever you are.

It's getting closer to Christmas (hence the post title) less then a week away. I leave this Friday to travel to my parents house to spend Christmas with my immediate family. There are only 5 of us now (since the passing of my wife) and maybe my brother's girlfriend will show making it six. It's a small intimate gathering, nothing special, we eat food and play games which is the highlight of Christmas for us. When my wife first came back with me over Christmas while we were dating she was quite shocked. Her family isn't much into playing games, and my family is big into it we bond that way and enjoy the competition (it can get cutthroat though). There is only 1 grandchild so the focus is on him and since we're all older the presents under the tree aren't as many so gift opening doesn't take too long. I got an e-card from my son today (he's 17 months old.....a genius of course, but thanks to my mom he was able to articulate his activities quite well) He proceeded to tell me in his Arthur (see PBS kids if you don't know who Arthur is) card about his adventures at my folks home with the presents under the tree, his failed attempts at opening them, and his first encounter with Santa Claus.... he kept himself composed, but he said he was a little scared.

This of course will be his second Christmas already, my mind keeps going back to last Christmas. How he tore into the candy canes, and kept trying to ingest the wrapping paper as he didn't quite know what to do with the presents. It was the first time he started to drink from a glass, no bottle not even a sippy-cup, I was really torn up about it, almost to the point of getting upset. Here my 5 month old son is drinking out of a glass, he was growing up too fast. You see I was his primary caregiver, but I was so concerned with my wife's health that I never felt like I got enough time to enjoy him as a baby. It was our first Christmas in the new home, my wife was home from the hospital and seemed to have enough strength to enjoy the holidays. She helped our son unwrap all of his gifts and I took pictures. This year the gathering will be in Wisconsin, and it won't be on Christmas at all. I'm actually doing quite well with it being the first Christmas without her.... but then again the month isn't over quite yet. I have to work on the 24th and the 26th so that will help occupy my mind. Christmas Day there is a pageant at church, and a service and that will help eat up some of my day. I have movies planned for the afternoon and evening, and I'm inviting company over the spend the day with me.

On a lighter note, I have a second job interview scheduled for next week. I will most likely turn down the job if it's offered, but it's good experience in interviewing, and it could be a confidence builder for me. I have a job, so I'm not desperate which means I can be super-choosy.

Thank you commenter's for your comments, I enjoy reading them and responding to them, I encourage people to leave their thoughts, questions, opinions...... it's nice to know that I'm not writing just for myself.

What is running through my mind

I didn't feel like writing yesterday, hence no post. I only like to write when I'm inspired to do so, otherwise you get absolute garbage, it's forced and not natural. Now you may say "YW, most of what you write is drivel" to you I say I find another blog to read!

I met with my Pastor on Wednesday and he dropped a bomb on me that after about 5 seconds of thinking about it I realized was 100% the truth. I haven't finished grieving my late wife. She's still there, and I haven't fully processed everything and filed it away. I thought I was doing great, I didn't break down in tears, I didn't wail uncontrollably, heck I even shower and bath on a daily basis. I have been eating, shaving, and making it to work but I haven't fully grieved the loss of my spouse, in part because I fail to know how to properly grieve.

Today marks the two month anniversary of her passing. I have noted before that I believe she passed in early October, and that all I did was keep her body going via a breathing machine and blood pressure medications, her spirit had already ascended I just didn't want to acknowledge it. Actually I was holding out hope, waiting for that one glimmer of possibility that she'd pull through that I could use to justify keeping her body going, nothing wrong with that. I was being a husband, standing by her side to the very end.

Now it begins a process for me, taking a mental inventory and allowing myself to let go and feel the pain and loss. I'm a bit scared because I worried that maybe, just maybe I might not come out of it. That if I dwell on her loss too much, I'll stay there instead of doing what I want to do, and that's move on and live. I don't think that'll happen, I've grown too much over the last 4 years to allow myself to slip into some pseudo-depression, I have too much life in me, too much to offer to others. I'm looking forward to cleaning house and filing everything away so that things are tidy for the new life coming my way.

Am I sorrowful today? No.... I'm reflective. I was reflecting this morning on my way to work. Tears nearly welled up in my eyes, but nothing fell. It wasn't because I stopped them and held them back, it was because thoughts of her turned to joy. I'm going to go through her clothes this weekend. Boxing up everything and giving it away. I'm going to slowly take every article of clothing and try and tie a memory to it, then process that memory and put it in it's place. I'm not sure what to do about all the photos and knick-knacks. I want to keep them in the house because of my son, but at the same time I think is that disrespectful to whoever I'm going to marry? I want to hang photos of her in my son's room, and my late wife's mother is painting a picture of her and my son from a photo that was taken that I want hung in his room, but will she mind those things being up? She'll go into his room and she all of this stuff, I don't want her to think that she's second place, but I believe my son should be able to partake in those memories of his birth mother..... I wish there was a rule book on this. To those that read this blog, or come across it let me know what you think. Drop a comment and give me your opinion, I'd like to hear what you have to say.

Something I found interesting

Since this is my blog I have the authority to write about whatever I so desire. I found this article on CNN.com I thought it was a worthy enough piece to post in my blog.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/12/13/slainmarine.sdog.ap/index.html

It's the first of it's kind. I bomb dog was given early retirement to be adopted by the family of it's slain handler. I thought it was wonderful, especially since prior to my military retirement (due to an accident which left me disabled) I was on my way to Lackland AFB to re-train as a K-9 handler. I had spent 8 months working beside the K-9 handlers, hanging out at the kennel, going to BBQ's with them, being used in demostrations and in excercises (aka allowed the dogs to attack me; I was wearing a sleeve or suit). I'd help clean the kennels on my off time and care for the dogs. So when I heard about this I thought it would be nice to share.

Post #2 for the Day

Okay, can someone please explain to me why we as human beings exhibit destructive behavior? I would really like to know. Okay I'll start with myself and maybe if anyone out there actually reads what I am writing or comes across this site can help explain to me destructive behavior. It is illogical behavior because you only screw yourself. I'll use myself as an example. I'm not the world's healthiest eater, actually I could stand to lose a good 15-20 and trim myself up (I'd love to get my lazy behind up early every morning and hit the gym, get myself as cut and toned as I was 7 years ago but once I get my son back I can't very well leave him at home alone...back to the point). When my late wife got sick I did alot of research on herbs, supplements, and healthy eating. I started cutting out soda (high fructose corn syrup especially, terrible stuff, I've become somewhat of a label reader), desserts, candy, and junk/snack foods. I started walking the dog every night taking brisk walks. I cut milk out of my diet (not all dairy though) and switched to whole wheat pastas (I like it much better anyways). I'm a tea drinker, and I even switched my chocolate to 70% cocoa because of the flavanoids and health properties. I'm a big proponent of juice, grape, cranberry, and pomegranate. There are no resh vegetables in my fridge, not even carrots which coupled with blue cheese dressing is one of my favorite snacks. So why did I fall off the wagon?

I haven't eaten a salad in who knows when, I've been drinking soda, less water, and less green teas. Guess what my breakfast was this morning? Potato chips and a donut! I brought a soda with me for lunch, and yesterday I had Arby's ham melt and a 10pc jalapeno poppers (I HATE fast food). Oh yea and then there was McDonald's late the other night (NASTY!), and a Klondike bar last night. Can't remember the last time I did a sit-up or a push-up (been over a week). Let's see what else.....oh yea I don't sleep much anymore, stay up too late. I don't read hardly ever, my prayer life isn't as strong as before, and my study of the Bible has taken a dip. I don't work as hard as I used to on my own personal business, and I haven't written anything worthwhile in months. I recognize all of this behavior and yet I don't really care right now to change it, so what triggered all of this in my life where I just don't give a rip? You'd think I' want to improve myself not only for a potential new mate, but also for my own well-being.

Human nature is very odd, it's not so black-and-white......and that doesn't work for me.

Morning Reflections

This morning I awoke to a winter wonderland in my backyard. After getting dressed and moments before I headed out of the house I noticed that my backyard was sparkling. I gave a closer look out the window and gazed upon a breathing taking sight. Ice had covered all the grass, cattails, and tree limbs behind my house. The tall tan grass and cattails that guard my pond shimmered in the sunlight. The small grouping a trees looked as if they had been bathed in crystal and diamonds. The backyard looked as if it had been flash frozen in time. It was a sight to behold. It got my thinking about how it looks on a sunny fall day. You see the tall grass and cattails turn a gorgeous tan, the algae that covers the pond a beautiful mint-green, the sumac a firey red, and the leaves, shades of gold and orange. The sun backlights it all and adds a warm hue that brings comfort and peace. It made me want to run upstairs, change and throw on my robe, brew some hot tea and stare out the windows for hours, but then I thought what would be the point. You see I have no one to share this with, I'm alone.

I find that in life everything is better when you can share it with someone. You always have someone who can walk with you down memory lane, who was there to experience the same thing you did. Can you enjoy life on your own? Of course you can, don't be silly. Sharing however is a wonderful thing, it makes life that much sweeter. I don't have anyone to share with, and that makes me feel that much more alone. I like to share in life, share in the laughter, the sorrow, the ups and the downs. Everything is better when there is someone to share with, even if it's a dessert and you want it all to yourself, that cake has never tasted better.

I miss the companionship I shared with my late wife. I couldn't tell her everything that was going on with me because she didn't have the strength to help me bear that burden. One thing she did was made me feel amazing. Everything little thing I did for her was spectacular, or in her words....fabulous. I was the center of her world.... and even though I couldn't' share everything with her she shared it all with me. She made me feel special, she made me feel loved, and even though I couldn't have a normal life with her she did give me some type of companionship. I never realized until now how important that is to me, and how hard it is to not have that in my life. I'm sure I'll find a companion again one day, it's the wait that is killing me. I've been waiting for years to share my life with someone without reservation, I hope I don't have to wait too much longer.

Dealing with Death

I got a call last night from Songstress, one of her friends from high school passed away after a long bout with cancer. She was quite broken up about it, it hit her pretty hard because she's dealt with alot of death in her life the last several years. From the loss of a cousin, to the loss of friends and relatives of friends. Songstress was a friend of my late wife and myself, she came and visited us in the hospital when my spouse was getting her bone marrow transplant. I don't know if I ever told her, but that meant so much to me that she would go out of her way to spend time with us. Not alot of people came to see my wife, she was in isolation for over a month, but Songstress ventured out to see her. Visiting hospitals was something that I always dreaded, death hovers over that place like a cloud, sickness in every room, and hope is smothered in fear and pain. Here she was braving all that to see to it that my wife had a visitor that day, it really touched me.

Before Songstress and I got involved (we're not really involved I don't think, nothing is official we're more like friends with feelings, it's complicated) we were friends, fellow church members. Now she needs a friend, and I don't know what to do.

I know first hand about grief and loss. I had lost a child (we miscarried before birthing Little Dog), and I had lost a wife. I know what grief and loss can do to your mental and physical state, and I see what it's been doing to Songstress and even though I've been through it I don't think I'm helping. You see when you dwell so much on death, and you grieve so often you mind begins to take you down roads you have no business being on. I think it was the day of the funeral, or maybe before several people came to my house. We sat in my living room talking and joking around, laughing and telling stories. I never told them but that was such a time of joy for me, it lifted the heaviness off my shoulders, even just for a little while. I've heard stories of people who have grieved so deeply that they've died of no apparent illness. I don't think Songstress is going to grieve that deeply, but I know if you grieve too long, or if you stay down too long that it begins to negatively affect you, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Sometimes I look at the way I relate to Songstress and I catch myself trying to protect her. I'm a very protective person by nature, and I have feelings of helplessness when I can't protect someone. My son fell down the stairs a few months back, I watched as his little body tumbled down. In a matter of seconds he was off running and laughing, I on the other hand was a wreck. I was supposed to be there for him to make sure he didn't harm himself. I would watch sometimes as my late wife had bone marrow biopsies done, I wanted to take her place, but all I could do is watch. I'm having to watch a friend go through some trying times, and I want to rescue and protect her. I'm afraid of something bad happening to her, but I have to realize that I can't save everyone. Even though I think I'm a Superman, I'm not a saviour.

Random Thought

Songstress continuously asks me if I'm sure I'm not crazy...... I am beginning to think that I just might be. I'm going to be on the look out for men in white coats, if you see any let me know!

Weekend Recap

Greetings and Salutations:

So let me give you a overview of my weekend, it was short, it was sweet, and it was bitter. Friday night was church, that's great as always. I left church and went home, fcourse being the fool that I am I fail to get off the phone with Songstress at a decent hour to ensure that I get an adequate amount of sleep. Then when I get off the phone with her, my idiot self turns on the TV and I begin watching the UFC..... until I fall asleep.

Saturday my folks brought my son home for the weekend..... It was glorious. I don't think there is anything in this world that is better then being that boy's father! My "Little Dog" is the pride and joy of my life, I could never imagine life without him. I spent Saturday chasing him around the house playing hide and peek in the closet and feeding him my pizza for dinner.

Sunday was church of course, and this time he was coming with me. That turned out to be an adventure as my son doesn't care too much to be strapped in to this carseat, wear shoes, or have a coat on. It's all too restricting for my strong willed boy! Eventually he fell asleep of course right before we got to church, so I woke him up and set him in a bad mood. Then we get to church and his Meema (his maternal grandmother) gets in his face and scares him setting him into a crying fit that continued as I dropped him off with the other children. Eventually he got better. I then met Songstress for lunch with my "Little Dog" and we had a good time together. This is the first close encounter she's ever had with him and the first time she's been face-to-face with what could be her step-son in the future. I took him home after lunch and then I loaded him up and watched him get driven off. I won't see him for another 2 weeks, and it breaks my heart.

I can take one thing away from this weekend, I got a total of 4 moochies (kisses) and numerous huggies and squeezies (hugs)...... That will have to hold me over for two weeks. It feels great because he doesn't give them out anymore..... and I got a ton this weekend. It makes me feel good that my son doesn't forget who I am; that I'm still very special to him.

Today is Special

Today is a very special day, it marks the 66th anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor, Dec. 7, 1941. I'm not going to write about my grief from the loss of my late wife, I want to highlight others grief, and some of my own that comes up when I think about the treatment of our Veteran's and our Soldiers. I am a disabled vet myself, I was not injured in combat, as a matter of fact I never had the opportunity to deploy, no matter how much I begged, I never was given an assignment. I feel an emptiness because of it, I served for 4 years before I was discharged for medical reasons but I never served in the capacity which I desired to do.

Along those lines I read an article that just sunk my heart a couple weeks ago. It was of a Marine who was injured in Iraq when a roadside bomb exploded. It left him burned and badly scarred, took half his left arm, and caused optical, brain, and other trauma and injury. He ended up in a fight with the VA about his disability rating, this has been going on since 2004/2005. The story was broadcast on CNN.com here's the link for anyone interested.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/06/wounded.marine.folo/index.html

There was a MOH recipient who read the story and was so moved by what he read and it broke his heart so much that he sent this young Marine his challenge coin with the Marine emblem (globe, eagle, and anchor) with his signature and the purple heart on the back. That may not seem like much to you, but allow me to educate you on military challenge coins. They are usually given out to members of a unit, in the Air Force it's a member of a squadron. The idea behind the coin was to promote morale and pride in ones unit. If you were at the enlisted or officers club you could challenge someone else with your coin. You would pull it out and slam it on the table. Everyone else had to fashion his/her coin, anyone caught without it bought drinks, if everyone fashioned the coin the challenger bought the round. This helped to build a cohesiveness in a unit, a bond between airmen (using the Air Force term). Your challenge coins were supposed to be treasured, and for this man to give away his coin...... that means something. I myself have 2, I treasure them both. I received one while stationed in S. Dakota in the 28th Civil Engineering Squadron, in the Prime B.E.E.F. unit, and I received a second one while augmenting the 28th Security Forces unit, that one I treasure the most because the military police unit I was with for 8 months felt that I was worthy to be called one of their own even though I wasn't officially in their unit.

This story and the countless others, the "church" that celebrates at the funerals and at the deaths of our Soldiers, Marines, Seamen, and Airmen as well as the poor conditions our older vets have to endure in the VA hospitals brings me much grief. Alot of the time it moves me to tears. I have been asked several times over the years how happy I must be to not be enlisted anymore and not serving in wartime. My response...... 50/50. I am glad that I'm not serving because of my son, I don't have to be separated from him. If I did not have a child.... I'd want to be in uniform with my bags packed ready to deploy at a moments notice. I still consider them my brothers and sisters, a family that others do not understand. Marines say it best...... Once a Marine, always a Marine. I feel the same way.

Today as the world forgets about the lives of the men and women who perished at Pearl Harbor 66 years ago and those who have given their lives since take some time to reflect on their grief, and ask yourself if you can make their lives any easier.

I hate my commute

2 Hrs and 20 Min!!! yes you read eright, that's how long it took me to get to work, and to boot I nearly got in an accident when a Polaris semi-truck jumped in front of me and nearly nailed my truck with his trailer. I had to hit the brakes which caused me to slide a bit, thankfully I stayed in my lane. I hate my commute, I really really do!

Well Christmas is now less then 3 weeks away, and I'm actually looking forward to it. I've already finished my shopping, except for the office exchange gift. It was done in November which is a goal of mine every year. So far I'm not dreading this being the first Christmas without my late wife. I'm more excited about what life has in store for me beyond this point that it doesn't matter. I got through Thanksgiving pretty fine, and I'm looking to watching my son open presents again this year, and enjoy his new books and toys. The house still isn't decorated, and it won't be decorated this year. I do dread thinking about dragging the 3-4 plastic storage bins full of Christmas stuff up from the basement, dragging a tree into the house, vacuuming needles, decorating and then taking it all down. I struggle enough with trying to keep the houseplants alive that I don't want to dry out the tree and have it be consumed in a blaze ala National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. House burning to the ground on Christmas..... very bad!

Another Monday Night

Last night was bogus! I invited a couple of buddies over to watch the game and most of them bailed on me! Completely bogus! That's okay because the game was too, could the refs have given Baltimore the shaft anymore then they already did? It was ridiculous, next week everything should be back to normal as far as Monday Night's go. You see the guys get together and get rowdy (I'm sure I've explained this before) we blow off steam, and if the game is lousy we work. The wives gather and go out to eat but before they do they feed us and let us be. It's therapeutic for me to have a guys night every week, it helps alot. Makes me be social, which I am finding I enjoy alot more then I used to.

Well today is Tuesday obviously and I have a dinner date (not a date date, it's a benefit dinner) with Songstress. Things are well let's say "interesting" in that arena of my life. We're not supposed to be dating, we're only supposed to be friends. We both have strong feelings for one another, but we're not supposed to. Things have been very up and down lately and I think that we're heading to a rather in depth talk, funny thing is we're only supposed to be platonic friends and we shouldn't be having these kinds of talks. Now someone might question as to why I have feelings for someone since my spouse only passed away 2 months ago. Well let me get into it a little bit.

Have you ever been married to a cancer patient? It's like being married to someone who is having an affair and you know about the affair but you can't do anything about it. It's always there and it steals your spouses time, conversation, energy, and thought from off of you. My late wife didn't die suddenly, she slowly died over four years. I spent as I've stated before almost 20% of our time together the last 4 years away from her. I spent alot of time as a caregiver rather then a husband because even though she was my wife, she lacked the strength to be one. I love her, always have and always will but now my life is about moving on, healing for the last four years, and starting a new life, investing in my new reality. So if you want to judge me, okay go ahead. If you think I'm crazy sure, think that, but you need to come see the t-shirt I got from the last 4 years and then make the call.

I supposed I should get some work done before dinner and the in depth conversation I'll have over dinner. Have a wonderful Tuesday.... catch you tomorrow.

Reflections on this weekend

Don't let the title of the entry scare you, this isn't going to be deep, it's actually going to be very shallow. Here are some of my reflections:

1. Why is it that I live in a state with such a great amount of snowfall annually yet I don't enjoy any winter activities?
2. Why do the people who live in the state I live in and are used to the winter weather still manage to lack the ability to navigate in it?
3. Why is the college BCS system so flawed that it allowed 2 loss LSU to play 1 loss OSU for the title game?
4. Do people really know who I am? (I'll touch on that one later)
5. Why do the idiots that plow my neighborhood plow my driveway in?
6. Ah crap.... it's another day closer to Monday
7. Songstress can really mess me up at times. (no details, sorry)

So anyways this is what my weekend looked like. I sopent the weekend at church which for me is not unusual. I also spent it shoveling out my driveway, did wonders for my back. Anyways, I was at church all weekend because we held a Single's Conference and since I'm a single man I thought I should attend. It was very odd, since all my friends are married men, being around single men and women was something new. The single men in my church (at least the ones who attended) seem to lack confidence, and some lack that and personality. I'm not able to articulate how it is this way, but it just is. I'm used to being around married men and the guys I hang with are conquerers, dominators, 100% men. They love their wives, raise their children, are after a better life, educated, and make things happen. The single men that were there just seem to exist..... different dynamic. Maybe it's because I was married and I can't relate, but people did see a side of me this weekend that they had never seen before. (see #4)

I've been gone from church for about a year now. Ever since my late spouse got sick it has been difficult to make it to church on a regular basis. I was asked to teach a seminar this weekend, in front of about 30-40 people. Some who I know, and others who have never met me. My real personality came out because I was in my element. I was teaching something that I take interest in, I was speaking publically (which for me has never been a problem), and I had the floor all to myself without interuption. I think I shocked a few people with my exuberance and energy, see I'm a very intense and passionate person and when I get started it's hard to slow me down.

Other then that my weekend was fairly calm, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm back to being sane (lost some sanity last week) and we're plugging forward ever moving towards the mark.

Questions

I have been wondering ever since this morning why I am writing so much about my life and being so open to what could at some point be an audience larger then what I'd desire. Why do I share such intimate details about my life. This is the only thing I can come up with. I lack the courage to talk about it openly with another human being.

I think that I write on this blog everything I wish I could say out loud. I have editing capabilities, and if I don't want something shared I can type it, get it out of my system and then erase it. It's hard to erase something you've said, you just can't take it back.

Here's another question I have about myself: Why do I seek loneliness, when that's the one thing I don't want? What has caused me to alienate friends? I had the opportunity last night to hang out with some friends and watch football, I declined stating that I had things to do around the house. After taking my dog for our evening walk, I sat at home and did nothing the rest of the night (outside taking down the pictures). I had wonderful plans for this weekend with "Songstress" that I was looking forward to, but I cancelled them at the last moment for no good reason. Ever since I said good-bye to my late wife, I haven't quite been the same. Walking to the patch of dirt that covers her final resting place really took a toll on me. I poured out everything that I had kept hidden from her. I told her of the developments in my life, and then I told her I'd come back some day, but I wouldn't talk with her anymore. I gave up the last remaining thread of intimacy I had with another human being. I realized that I could talk all day long to her, but she'd never respond to me. Now I have no one around, and that's all I had wanted for the last 7 months was someone to share my life with.

From the studies and journals I've read about those who have lost a spouse/loved one I can recognize that I'm reverting back a bit. From my understanding it's common. If you've noticed my previous moods and entries have been on the lighter side. I think the sudden sense of loneliness has taken over, it was like a todal wave and it caught me off guard, and now I'm feeding it everything it wants. Tomorrow I'm sure will be a better day, I'll probably feel much better about things. This back and forth really grades on my nerves, makes me feel bi-polar...... I think that is why I'm keeping everyone at arms length, it's a nasty rollercoaster ride and I don't want to make anyone sick.

When the Loneliness Creeps In Pt. 2

This is a continuation from the previous post.


To recap, I've felt alone for probably 7 months now even though I was married. My late wife was in a coma for 4 weeks before she passed, I never got to talk with her, she never could talk back to me. My son is almost 300 miles away from me, I see him for less then 48 hours every 2 weeks. Then there is her.

Her is a friend of mine... well she's supposed to be my friend, but tell that to my heart. Since I don't use names, and I call myself YW (Young Widower) I'm going to call her "Songstress" since I don't want to refer to her as "Her".

I've known Songstress for probably 4 years now. We weren't ever very close, but it wasn't like we were total strangers either. She's the woman I ended up on a date with, I don't want to go into detail about how or why, at least not now. It's funny the way I feel about her, I wonder often if I'm just completely crazy (chances are I'm at least slightly crazy). I know that nothing can transpire now, and maybe not for awhile. I felt the same way about my late wife when I met her, and that scares me. I kept trying to push away my late wife for fear of hurting her, or maybe it was for fear of me getting hurt, not quite sure because I never sought a therapist. Me and Songstress talk..... alot. We talk until the wee hours in the morning, go to work and I unload on her e-mail inbox with random thoughts that come to my head. You see it's nice to have some one who is healthy to talk to. My wife wasn't, I was afraid she'd worried or try to do too much if I told her everything that was going on with me. I was afraid that it would impede on her recovery and add more stress to her life. Songstress however is cancer-free, and is a terrific listener. She reminds me alot of my late wife, many similar qualities and characteristics, that makes things so much harder for me.

See I've waited for 4 years to get my wife back, but she passed on. I waited so long to live a normal life and to have someone who could recieve me and I didn't have to hold back with. Unfortunately as I've stated before I have to hold back.... and because of that I'm finding myself getting closed off. It's been an emotional week for me. The stress of getting my truck fixed and the bill that followed. Leaving my son again, realizing I'm not as good off as I thought I was. Now it's nearly December and Christmas is around the corner. A snow storm is set to hit where I live, a perfect opportunity to stay in bed where it's warm. To drink hot cocoa by the fireplace and watch the snow fill my pond. I had invited Songstress over to see my pond (not a metaphor, I have a drainage pond in my backyard that attracts various water fowl and wildlife. It's the home to a family of muskrats) we were going to watch a movie and maybe play games, but I don't want to drag her into the mess that I am right now. Speaking of fireplaces, did I tell you about my mantle? It was once home to many pictures of my wife and me, now only a few remain. I also pitched her meds, and put away some of her things. I figured that the house didn't need to be a monument to her, because if I kept it that way I'd never move on. It was hard gathering all those pictures, some remain, maybe two of us and three of her and my son. The candle that honored and burned at her funeral sits up there, but that's it. I need to make room for more memories, and more pictures but doing that last night was hard, necessary but hard.

I thought the emotional rollercoaster would end with the passing of my wife, but I was wrong, I just got on a different ride. I know that things will improve over time, that maybe just maybe I can find happiness with Songstress, or at least find a way to be her friend. I know that this week has been a rough week, and things will be better. They say time is the best healer, but I grow impatient I've waited a long time I don't want to wait anymore.

When the Loneliness Creeps In Pt. 1

I got my truck back today, it's driving a bit stiff but with a new drive line I'm sure it'll loosen up in time.

**Warning** This may be a very long post, if I deem it to be too long I'll break it up into parts.

So.... where do I begin. I've been lonely for quite some time. My late wife passed in October of this year but I've been lonely for much longer then that. It started probably in April when the doctor asked my wife if she wanted to continue treatment because it didn't look like they'd get her into remission long enough to have the transplant. I was sitting with my son staring at her while the doctor asked her if she wanted to die. We switched doctors and dropped my wife off at a new hospital over 2 hours away. I would visit with our son every weekend, spending Saturday nights in the room with her on a pullout couch. This went on for 4 weeks. Because the time in between remission and relapse kept getting shorter she went back into the hospital about 2 weeks after she returned home. She was in the hospital again for almost 2 months, during that time her lungs began bleeding and she was touch and go. She wasn't home for more then 4 months before she went back in again. During that time though she had recieved so much chemotherapy and radiation that she could barely function at times. Even though she was there with me she wasn't. You see my wife was having an affair, cancer had stolen her away from me and I couldnt' stop it. I was in a three entity marriage, and I was very much alone.

So it's been about 7 months of loneliness for me, add that to the many months of seperation between us as she was in the hospital. Now the separation is permanent, at least for now. Add this to the fact that my son isn't with me..... especially during this holiday season. I'm not a fan of Christmas as I've mentioned before, but there are certain things as a parent that you are supposed to enjoy. There is a holiday parade that is put on where I live, I've never been. Lived here 7 years and I've never been. I though maybe he'd like to go see it with me this year, but I don't think that'll happen. My mother told me they're taking him this weekend to see Santa for the first time, I'll miss that too. I'm missing all of his developments, and these are times I'll never get back with him. I received an e-mail from my mother stating that she wasn't thrilled about me putting my son in daycare, and the horrors of doing so. She then suggested that I leave him with them a little longer, this after asking me if I was missing him terribly. I called him yesterday just to talk to him, to hear him press the buttons on the phone, and maybe if I was lucky hear him let out a gleeful squeal as he ran through the house.

Recent Developments

Well yesterday if you hadn't noticed there was no post, that is because my truck decided it was going to throw a fit and cost me a arm and a leg to get fixed. I never made it to work which is where I usually write my entries. I was quite surprised with my response to the knowledge of finding out that I might have had to sell my son to pay for the repairs. Usually I would have flipped out and panicked.... but after what I've been through what's the point?

So now I'm tooling around in this 05/06 Corolla wondering if my behind is dragging across the ground and if I need to "Flintstone" it to get it up to speed. Merging is a bear because this thing lacks the power ypick-up has, but it's only temporary.

So yesterday I finally said "good-bye" to my late wife. I had done this several times before, but this was different. I went to visit her grave, and I told her things I had never told her before. I then explained to her that I needed to move on in my life, and that although I love her, my life is still continuing on this earth. Since I'm still here...... I need to get to work. I told her I'd visit the grave with my son every so often, maybe once or twice a year, but I wouldn't be talking with her anymore because it's just not healthy. This was a big deal for me, because it means that I truly accept her passing and acknowledge that my life needs to start again. I've got a son, a house, a career, and my life to put back together and in order. I have to understand that I'm going to do that alone. Tonight when I get home I'm going to take down some of the pictures I have on the mantle over my fireplace. That area of the house is like a monument to her and our life together. She was a MAJOR part of my life, 7 years worth, but that segment of the journey is over I see no need to try and relive it. I want to remember it fondly yet I don't want to dwell in the past and miss the present and future. Some pictures will go up to my son's room, some will remain on the mantle, but I have to make room for new memories, new experiences, and new pictures on that mantle. There has to be room for something else.

So I met with my Pastor yesterday, and we talked at length about this next phase in my journey. We brought up re-marriage and dating. This was birthed out of the fact that I ended up on a date about aweekand a half ago. That was what I called "interesting" in one of my previous posts. This date was purely by accident I thought it was innocent and we were just two people hanging out on a Saturday night..... I was wrong. My Pastor knew that this happened because I had told him last week. So we dicussed this and why I'm not ready. I honestly thought I was okay with trying a date or two on a very casual basis, but he pointed out something that I had not realized. Even though it's been 2 months now, and that because of our circumstance I was very prepared for her passing, I still wasn't totally healed. I had dealt with my grief but healing was not complete. He likened it to an athlete who tears their ACL. They feel great and believe they can play, but if they come back too soon they're going to wreck their health. So we decided in the mean time that I'd be ineligible and we'd probably discuss this again in April/May and by then I might be ready to get back into the game.

So these are the latest developments in my life. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend planned.

Change is good.......right?

What a terrible game last night! There hasn't been a good MNF game since the Oct 29th debacle of Broncos v. Packers where the Bronco secondary blew it in OT. Last night was supposed to be Men's Monday Night Football at a friend's house. Every monday a few of us guys get together in his "Man Cave" (aka the basement) while the wives cook us up food and let us act like a bunch of untamed gorillas while they gather upstairs and watch CSI or something. Last night I couldn't attend because I had some excess work I needed to accomplish, guess how much I got done? Yea that's right almost nothing! I took the dog for a nice brisk walk and then vegged and worked, worked and vegged. I was actually asleep before midnight!

I've been noticing some very interesting things about myself lately. Things are changing and I think they're good, but I'm not totally embracing the change quite yet. For instance the other day I was thinking to myself that I should go out and try new things. Now to you that might not seem so monumental, but to me it's HUGE! I order the exact same thing at a restaraunt everytime I go there. I don't deviate, I stick to what works. I take the same way home everyday. If I find a path to or from somewhere no matter if there is a back way I take it. I wear the same style of clothes, same colors, almost the same designer. I like to shop at only a few select stores for my things. My life is very regimented, very simple, not wild at all. So for me to want to try new things means that I'm probably due for a CAT scan to make sure I don't have a screw loose.

Let me give you another example. I'm a shirt and tie kinda guy (lately I've not been wearing the tie though, hmmm). I buy the same color shirts, same color ties, blue, brown, tan, and white. I have a few yellows, a marron, a black, and two greens. I actually thought to myself "Self, if I need to ever get a new shirt and tie I should buy something of a different color, maybe orange, or red, possibly even a shade of purple (my heart almost stopped, I'm just glad I didn't utter pink......no pink, ever. Period end of story.)

A week from today I have a dinner date. It's a not a date date, but it is with a female. She's a friend of mine, it's a benefit for her company. I think I'm going to try and order something different.

I was beginning to wonder why this sudden change. Why am I wanting to get out of the house more, and try all these new things. When my wife was alive I never wanted to leave the house, then it hit me. The last 4 years of our marriage she spent a total of 9 months in the hospital. That's 9 months out of 48, or 19% of our time together. When she was home, I just wanted to be with her. Spend time with only her, now that she's gone I want to spend time with other people. I want to get out of the house, instead of being a prisoner in it.

I find myself more willing to take certain risks. Financial risk isn't hard for me, I'm a finance man. I can calculate risks when investing, I can allocate a portfolio accordingly, but in other areas I'm not so confident. I can't calculate, there are no numbers. To a numbers man it's scary and unsecure territory, I have no safety net. These small changes I'm sure will open the door to larger ones, broaden my horizons and make me a more well-rounded and complete man. So change is good, I think I'm ready for it.

The Aftermath

Well with the Thanksgiving holiday behind me I usually like access the damage I caused to my waistline. I usually travel with a pair of "meat pants." These are pants with liberal give to allow for maximum gluttony. For some strange reason this year I didn't require them. I attended two different dinners (one with my wife's mother and two sisters, the other with my immediate family) neither dinner was a buffet of delights, just simple basic Thanksgiving day grub. I managed to hold myself to one piece of pie (that was not a typo, I said one and I meant one) which needs explaination since I had access to a cherry crumble pie, a homemade apple, a homemade pumpkin, and an assortment of cheese cake. I did however eat 2 giant helping of "the pink stuff", allow me to define "the pink stuff". Take one can of cherry pie filling, add a can of mandarin oranges, one can of sweeten condensed milk, and cool whip. Whip it all together and you have "the pink stuff". I've been downing this treat for well over two decades now, it is my one sure weak spot since I only partake of it once a year. So this year I didn't need meat pants, although I did end up with the "meat sweats". In the end I was still able to still fit into my pants (your definition and my defintion of fit most likely differ) Yea for me!

I had a wonderful time with my son. My former spouse's name did get mentioned a few times, but it was in the context of a joke that if she was looking down on us right now, what would she be saying. We all had a chuckle, and we all gave thanks for having her part of our life, she was a very special woman.

Christmas is coming up and my shopping is almost complete. I've got 2 more gifts to get, and I'm done. I'm quite happy with myself, I could very well be done before December hits. I'm not going to decorate the house this year. My son is still not home with me, and I'm sure the dog doesn't care if a tree is up and the snowmen and moose figurines are displayed. Since I'm not hosting Christmas this year I can get away with it.

I was very surprised about how easily it was for me to make it through this holiday. No meltdowns, no saddness, I did quite well. Christmas and her birthday (within 2 weeks of one another) may pose a challenge. I came across pictures of last year's Christmas, those of my wife and my son opening presents together, that was our first Christmas in our new home...... it was special time. The house isn't going to smell of freshly baked treats this year. Music won't be playing, and the house will be dark without the tree lit.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Makes Me Wonder

I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family tonight, and my brother's girlfriend joined us. This got me thinking........ will I ever be in that situation again? I know it may seem odd at this time to be thinking about that, but my mind has been going down that road lately. Eventually I'm going to be open to dating again, and I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, but what are the chances of finding someone who is going to fulfill me and make me happy the rest of my natural life?

I never thought I'd be in this position, ever. I wasn't supposed to be, I got married and for me it was going to be until death do us part........ and it was sooner then I thought. See my wife and I had this arrangement, I was to die first because I couldn't be alone by myself I lacked the skill set to do so. I had become so dependent upon her for everything, I would be completely lost without her. Harvard did a study that said men feel as if they've been "dismembered" when their spouse passes. They can function, just not as well.

I feel dismembered, but I'd like to not feel that way all my life. Do I need a woman to make me happy? No, absolutely not. Having a wife is a privilege, they are to be cherished, loved, cared for, and adored. I'd like to have that type of intimacy and relationship again one day. Finding it in this world is a bit difficult. Especially when you have no clue how to meet people.

I'm not a drinker so bar's are out (bad idea anyways), I've done the online thing (that's how my wife and I met) but I don't want to try that again. I go to church a lot (I'm a Deacon) but church isn't a meat market I'm not there to meet women, I'm there to serve God.

I wonder when I'll be ready...... I wonder what the rest of my life will be like. Will I live alone, or will I find love again? I would prefer the later. You may wonder why I'm talking about this now. Well, my spouse was sick for 4 years, and she didn't have the strength to be the wife I needed her to be. She did her best, and always tried to be who I needed. She put herself out there many times, too far then she should have probably. There were many times where I was a caretaker and not a husband because she couldn't receive me as a husband. I've wonder what it would be like to be married to a healthy woman at the maturity I am now. I guess we'll see what happens in the months and years to come.

Why My Life is So Good

I arrived at my folks last night in enough time to play with my son. I had the best time! He's so big now, and he's changed so much in the last two weeks. It really breaks my heart that I've missed all this time and the new things he's doing I haven't been able to experience. For instance he's putting his "silky" (blanket) around his shoulders like he's SuperBoy. He says "book" "ish" (fish), and "duck" I've only heard "duck" and that was this morning. Speaking of which let me tell you about this morning.

A really good friend of mine texted me last night at around 11:30pm (this is a good enough friend to get away with that) well it happened to have woken my son up since we're staying in the same room. Being the dad that I am, I grabbed him out of his bed and brought him into mine. I knew that I wouldn't get great sleep because my son is a mover and shaker. Sure enough he didn't disappoint, he moved me over to the edge of the bed before I got fed up and about 5 am moved him over to his original side. I heard him shifting this morning and decided to let him be just in case he'd conk out again. He got quiet so I decided to open my eyes and see what he was up to. When I opened my eyes I saw one of the greatest things a man could ever see. Here he was resting his head on the pillow, staring back at me. If it wasn't such a beautiful sight, I would have wept.

I haven't shared my bed with anyone since my wife went into the hospital. Last night was the first time in over two months that I've slept in the same bed as another person. Prior to that the best experience waking up was to my wife. Her back to me, I would wake up and wrap my arms around her waist pulling her close to me and then bury me face in her hair. This morning I woke up to his big blue eyes..... he got them from his mother. His little nose (my contribution) and his short cut hair with a big cowlick in the middle (not sure where that came from).

It's moments like those that make everything worthwhile. It was so brief a moment that I wouldn't have had time to capture it with anything but my memory. I love being a father...... I don't think outside of a husband there is a greater position I could ever occupy. So I want to give a BIG THANK YOU, to the friend who texted messaged me late last night, without that I would have never had the morning I did.

FYI - I suggested everyone get the song "No One" by Alicia Keys, and if you don't like her style and music I think you have a screw loose. She's a tremendous artist.

Breakfast is ready and I might weigh in on more of how I feel later on when my boy is asleep. Until then enjoy your day...... I'm loving mine!

Why I do this

My first posts told a bit about why I blog, but why do it for all teh world to see? Well because the resources and materials available for men like me completely suck eggs. Being a widower and single father at my age is a very rare cirsumstance.

I write because I don't want people to be my dumping ground, a friend of mine told me that quite emphatically. They'd be their support and listen, but to get the full brunt of my emotional wave wasn't fair to them. The blog I read helped me to realize that I'm not alone, and that I'm not crazy. Sometimes you think you are because you do stuff that gets most people a clean new white jacket that allows them to get a hug from their own arms 24 hr a day. Things like talking to myself, or having conversations with people that aren't there but continuing on as if they are. Taking multiple "mental vacations" and forgetting where you're going, saying, and/or doing at moment in time. Staring into space for min on end and avoiding sleep because you don't know what you'll dream. I've done it all..... experienced it all it seems, and new craziness comes up every so often.

It's important to know you're "normal" and belong. Grief seems to destroy the very fiber of ones being, so being able to read someone else's experience, recovery, and in the end the victory helps those still going through or facing the impending trial. So why allow the world to share with me? Because there might be one man out there going through, who feels as if he's alone, pal ..... you're not alone, and you're not crazy either!

So Far So Good

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I managed to make it through. Actually I didn't just manage I actually blew it's doors off. I didn't shed a single tear, I almost did though when I called my parents to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving (I'm headed out there today) and they put my son on the phone, and before I could say 'hello' he hung up on me! Talk about a blow to the Daddy Ego!

I'm having some well let's just say "interesting" developments in my life..... none of which I want to share with anyone right now. Check back in a few weeks or months and I'll elobarate on them.

As I stated I am heading out to my parents for Thanksgiving today after work (the company believes that it's workers only need 6 paid holidays a year). I have been missing my boy ever since I strapped him into my parents car and watched them drive off nearly 2 weeks ago.

I'm heading into what might be the hardest 2 months of being a widower. Christmas and my wife's birthday. I'm not worried about Valentine's Day because everyday she was my valentine. Christmas though was her holiday, she'd bake and cook, decorate and sing all day long. The tree would be out by now and the decorations brought up from the basement, about 3-4 storage tubs worth. That is unless we decide on a real tree. There's a tree farm about 5 miles from our home that we would go to every year. Hot apple cider, honey sticks, and an ornament every year is what we'd get in addition to the tree. They'd take your picture with it and the next year when you came back for your tree they'd give you the picture from the previous year. They display them all in there retail store on the property. It was a tradition that I enjoyed (I'm not a Christmas fan, it's lost it's meaning, become too commercial and I have some not-so-fond memories from my youth).

So what will this widower be doing for Christmas? Probably visiting the grave of his deceased spouse, making hot cocoa, sitting in front of the fireplace and watch movies all day. You see my company is so wonderful (see above) that I have to work the 24th and 26th. So I'll be at my folks the weekend before Christmas to celebrate. I'll watch the live-action version of 'The Grinch" (only holiday movie I care for) and then maybe a marathon of my guy movies!

2 weeks after Christmas is my wife's birthday.... she would have been 30 and this year we were going to have a blow-out bash. It's on a Tuesday, so I'll be at work and it'll help distract.

One good piece of news, I think I'm going to bring back my dog this weekend. I miss her, I could use some company around the house. She's BIG, hairy, and warm. I stick my feet under her when I'm cold and she's does a great job of insulating! She was a birthday gift from my wife when we rented our first house. I trained her myself and she's the most well-behaved 80 lb+ dog I've ever known.

I'm sure I'll weigh in on my weekend when I get back, until then enjoy your weekend and those left-over turkey sandwiches!

Why do I even bother

It's 3:30pm and I have done an entire hours worth of work today. I don't even know why I try. I'm glad tomrorow is Thanksgiving, it's going to allow me to catch up on chores, some reading, maybe a little writing and work before I head over the my mother-in-laws (still haven't gotten a ruling on that) for food that will surely stretch my stomach's ability to remain in one piece.

My mind has been scattered today. I've been in different time zones, different eras, different places. My lack of focus is really cutting into my ability to plan and work. I was so distracted today even from the time I woke up that I forgot to put on my watch, I feel naked without the ability to tell time at a moments notice. I have checked multiple times today and yes I did put on pants this morning everyone can relax.

This weekend should be enjoyable that is of course except for the driving, especially Sunday when everyone and their mother is going to be on the road. Luckily it's only a 5 hour drive. The food should be half-way decent. My wife isn't cooking this year obviously so a stellar turkey and fixins might not be what I get. My folks are decent in the kitchen but no one hold's a candle to the family chef (my former wife). She could throw it down in kitchen, and I threw it down at the table, then I threw down my pants because they didn't fit anymore.

I won't post again until Friday when I'm at work, most likely by myself. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about my first holiday without my spouse. Christmas is the one I dread, that was her favorite. 34 days and counting...... but I'll take that bump when it gets here.

Reaching Out

I am accomplishing nothing today. I have spent most of my morning reading the blog of "A Young Widower" it's helping me sort a few things out for myself.

I used to be a real loner, hated spending time with people, didn't like to share my life. Alot has changed over the past 20 years for me, I'm a different man, a new man. I realize that it's impossible to go through this life and not share it. If you're not sharing your life then you must not be living one at all. This man who wrote the blog I read is sharing his life with the world, and years after he wrote this it's still helping people cope, deal, and relate.

I like sharing my life, because I like living.

I think about what I'm doing with my life, when I die what will men say about me? My wife's funeral was packed with people, we nearly filled the entire church, front to back, top to bottom. It was on a Thursday morning/afternoon I was surprised at how many came. She was buried 30 min away from our church at a cemetary where we lived. The funeral procession was quite long, cars kept filing into the cemetary. She left a great legacy and touched the lives of so many people. If I died today, what kind of legacy would I leave behind?

I like to write, my writing skills lack form, composition, and a clear narrative but none the less I enjoy writing. I like to make an attempt at capturing a readers imagination, entering their world, painting a picture on a blank canvas and touching the soul. I've always wanted to be a creative person, have some form of creative skill whether it was writing, music, art.... something. I have two book ideas, one about building companies, another about my wife's life. I have several children's books too that I have outlined and begun writing. A goal of mine is to launch a small independent children's book publishing company... it's called MonkeyBoy Books...... in honor of my son and his fascination with books.

I want to leave a legacy of greatness and excellence, to be remembered and impact the lives of many.

On a lighter note

I think I should post at least once with a lighter tone so you all don't think I'm such a dreary person. I share an office with another person. It just so happens this person is a female, and quite frankly she's annoying to the point I'd like to slap her.

Nearly every day her and her boyfriend talk and get into some playful argument about something completely irrelevant to life. Of course this happens when I'm in the room and can't find a sharp thin object to burst my eardrums with. So she constantly rambles on and on and on without regard for her fellow man.

God must have heard my prayers, or wanted to spare this young woman's life because she's not here today. Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's that sound? That's right it's the sound of silence baby! Stupidity is taking a break today and I can just enjoy hopefully some peace and quiet.

Work load should be light today, given the fact that everyone is either leaving or has left for the holidays. I'm going over to my former/current (I'm going to need a ruling on this one) mother-in-laws house for Turkey Day. She's makes Calico Beans for me every year, and I devour them it's great stuff. She's also getting a cherry pie (MY FAVORITE) and cherry cheesecake (WOOO HOOO). I will be brining myself, a pair of stretch pants, and a crane so I can be removed from the house. I think they're trying to fatten me up to keep me unattractive to the opposite sex.

I was watching comedian Bill Engvall talk about how men and women communicate. His story was his buddy and him were at the gym, buddy told him he was getting divorced. Women would have consoled and asked loads of questions about their feelings etc. Engvall responded with "Better work on your abs, you'll be dating again." Sometimes I think I might want to take his advice. I can only allow my waistline to grow so large (ever seen the movie "The Blob"? After being married 6 years and eating my wife's cooking and baking I could swear it's the same size, shape, and consistency.) I'd better get out my "meat pants".

Wrestling with daily heartache

When I got to work this morning I checked my personal e-mail to find my daily message from my mother. She's been sending me scripture verses to help encourage me, and letting me know my son is doing ok. My son........ the source of my heartache.

You see my son has been lviing with my parents since September. My former wife was a stay-at-home mom, I retired her from working so she could focus on me and my son. She said it was the best job she's ever had. We never put him into daycare, didn't want him there at all. When she went into the hospital I needed a caretaker, so I let him go with my parents while I waited by my wife's side. He's been gone since mid-September, and tomorrow's Thanksgiving many days I wonder if I'll ever bring him home.

I was reading the blog of the young widower who's stories have helped me realize I'm not an island unto myself. He wrote of a dream he had that family services came to take away his daughter, so he hid her and she died. I don't have those dreams, but I do have those thoughts. That someone will think I'm an unfit father, that without a woman around 24/7 I can't be allowed to raise a child on my own.

Every day he is away is another day closer I am to death, and one less day I will have with him. I can never relive yesterday.... he's another day older and I missed out on it. I know he is cared for, loved, and spoiled but nothing on this earth can replace the love of a father. No one will ever look at him like I do, no one can imagine who he will become like I do. I see him through the years in my mind, watching every discovery and development. I see the man he is to become, and it breaks my heart that I can't experience the boy that he is today.

What I've Learned So Far

Honestly nothing, I haven't learned anything to which I am not surprised. Something I like to say about myself is this..... "My stupidity at times knows no bounds" I just think about my life and the things that I have done. Many I regret deeply, all I wish I could take back. I used to think that I didn't regret anything that it has all brought me to this point in time. Well that was really a lie, I do regret alot of mistakes.

For a while I blamed the passing of my wife on myself. I was racked with guilt, and I regretted the lack of decisions and the poor decisions I had made. See my wife was showing signs of illness for at least a week before she went into the hospital. I should have taken her home (we were at my parents), the weekend after we found out the fluid was on her heart she got very ill. She wanted to go to the hospital and it was late at night, while she was suffering I was growing angry at her. I realized later that my anger was displaced, it wasn't her I was furious with........ it was my lack of ability to rescue her and to be the protector I so greatly wanted to be.

I love movies, I like to sit at home and watch them for hours. Kettle corn, a blanket, my couch and my movies. I have 2 specific movies that I enjoy the most out of all my collection, "300" and "Black Hawk Down" Total guy movies, but if you look at the underlining characters and themes, you'll find the complexity of a man's heart. We are violent creatures bent on conquering, but why do we conquer? For some it's riches and glory, but for a few of us our reasons are much more pure. In "300" King Leonidas faces the invincible army of King Xeres of Persia. Faced with the heart wrenching decision of death or life he must decide the fate of thousands, but his heart rests on only two, his wife and son. So he gathers 299 of his finest men and leads them to their destruction, all come willingly because they fight for and are willing to die beside each other for the what they treasure most. The same concept is resident is "Black Hawk Down" it's about the men they fought and bled beside, saving them from peril at the risk of their own lives. Men who are willing to lay down their lives for love, for each other.

The Bible talks about a man sacrificing himself for his wife, and how there is no greater love then a man laying down his life for a friend. I still think about my lack of decision making when my spouse was sick, and then I think about the final decision to let her go. I have learned things, I've learned that my decisions, good or bad, pure or unpure, made or not made affect more then myself. It's a scary thing when someone's life is placed in your hands, in the end hers was placed in mine and I sacrificed mine for hers. I chose to bear the sorrow and give her joy. I chose to bear anguish so that she could experience everlasting freedom.

I have found a new fascination with Superman, the symbol fills my computer desktop, the theme song on my phone. I have the symbol posted on this blog. It's the symbol of character that draws me, a rescuer to many. I couldn't rescue my wife, because she didn't need rescuing God called her home. I wanted to be her Superman........but I couldn't be. I have a fear that instead of protecting someone, I'll hurt them. I wonder if anyone really needs a Superman. I have a second chance to be the protector I feel I couldn't be. Before she passed my spouse bore me a son........ and I think he'll need a Superman at least for a little while.

Why so much in one day

This will be my fourth post for the day.... and it's not even over yet. So why so much? Well because I have much to say. I've been reading an old blog about a similar young widow as he details his life (inspiration for mine) and the more I read the more I realize I have a lot of feelings.

In church my pastor has been preaching about lifting the burden and destroying the yoke. God has done this for me and has helped me to realize that even though my wife passed away, I am yet still here. Just because her life on this earth ended, doesn't mean mine has to.

I'm coming to realize that even though I feel alive again, and I'm ready to begin my life fresh and new that doesn't mean I'm numb. I lived for her specifically for the last 4 years since the diagnosis as a good man a good husband should have done. Since then I realized that I don't have to do that anymore, there is no more caretaking, no more doctors appointments, no more days of illness and sadness. It's just me, my son, and my dog we're all healthy and we're all alive.

Since then a flood of emotions has come over me. The finality of what has occured has smacked me in the face and is asking me to embrace it because it'll help to ease the suffering. My cheeks were sore and red from the abuse I refused to acknowledge, since accepting my loss my cheeks hurt less and I'm finding more joy in my life, but my emotions still are somewhat of a roller coaster.

I'm much more focused then I used to be, but I do from time to time drift away. 'Mental Vacations' that's what I'll call them.... times for me to get away and remember. In the days to come I'm going to talk about other 'Mental Vacations' I'm taking for entirely other reasons, but you will just have to wait.

How to tell the story

I'm not going to talk alot about what the last 7 years were like for me, at least I hope not to. I want to reserve most of that for the book I am working on. My former wife was supposed to write this book, a book about her life, and her journey overcoming cancer. I would encourage her all the time to take some time out of her day to write a little bit. When she would write it was always about two things.... Me and our son.

Her life revolved around those two important people to her. Our pastor had instructed the women to look at their lives as ministry. That their personal ministries were to their husbands and children, she took it to heart and did it with such excellence. She couldnt' chronicle her life and her fight because her mind was elsewhere. Since she couldn't finish it, I've decided to take up that mantle. I'm going to write it from my perspective, and what it was like watching from so close, but from such a distance. It's my tribute to her legacy, to her memory, and a chance for our son to know exactly who he comes from. The working title of the book is "Walk With Me" and if it ever gets published, I'll be sure to tell you when and where you can get a copy.

Where do I begin?

I have a lot to say, and I want to write a lot, so you may find multiple posts in the same day. I like to try and keep them short so as to not bore whatever reader audience I may have.

I was married to my wife for 6 years, we were together for a total of 7. We met at an online dating website and from my end sparks flew, from hers I was an annoyance! In July of 2003 my wife was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). You know it as the leukemia children usually have. It came as quite a shock to us, she had been so healthy. We battled this side-by-side for many years, experiencing relapses and remissions.

In May of 2007 she recieved an all important bone marrow transplant. In September while recovering she became increasingly ill, tired, short of breath. The doctors determined that the peracardium (sack surrounding your heart) was filling with fluid causing fluid to back into her lungs. They decided to admit her, and drain the fluid.

Over the next several days they would drain close to 3 liters of fluid from around her heart, but the damage was already done. She had developed pneumonia, fueled by e-coli it went septic and her body responded by shutting itself down and going into shock.

Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS) developed and her lungs hardened and stiffened and she could not breath on her own. She was on life support, she stayed on it for 4 weeks until her body quit, and I gave the doctors the orders to stop her medications. Minutes later her heart would fail, and she would be gone.

From the Beginning

I created this blog as a way of detailing my life. It's a way for me to flesh out my thoughts, no matter how random they are. I like to write, as much as I like to read. I find it therapeutic, and it helps me keep my sanity. I'm not sure why I'm offering the world a chance to get inside my head. My preliminary thought process is this, what I have gone through, what I'm going and what I will go through isn't covered by most books. I've only found one decent resource that mirrors what is going on. Over my next several posts I'll tell my story, share my life, and let you into my world. Come walk with me.