The Day After

Some may know that read this blog.....if anyone does read it that yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing. I went to the grave, by myself, something I said months ago that I would never do again unless I was bringing my son. I told myself that I wouldn't talk to her anymore either..... I couldn't help myself. It was a hard walk getting to her plot, I walked slower then usual. The cemetery is a nice one, setback from the road, you can see a nice pond and open field next to it. I said 'hello' to her and began to pour my heart out. I had read her prayer journals that morning until 3:30 am and it broke my heart. I was a terrible husband to her during the first 4 years of our 6 years marriage. No romance, no openness, no intimacy, I was terrible to her. I wouldn't kiss her, tell her I lover her without being prompted. I hurt the woman I loved so deeply, and now she's gone.

I crouched by her plot and weeped, begging her for forgiveness, trying to explain what was wrong with me. I didn't know how to give and receive love, and then when she got sick I was angry that she was sick and my wife was being stolen from me. I was angry because I couldn't heal her, couldn't take her place, I had to watch her suffer and I couldn't do anything. I didn't know she needed me to hold her, stroke her bald head, kiss her and tell her everything was going to okay. I was there for her, no...... I wanted to solve the problem, alleviate it, and make it all go away. I told her how sorry I was, told her I wished I could do it all over..... told her she didn't deserve it and that she was too good for me. I told her that while we were dating, kept telling her I was 'marrying up' and her being with me was out of pity, her good deed.

I left after a few minutes, being there was too much for me, I walked away promising her to return soon, I kept promising her that until I got to the car. I wiped away the dried tears before I went into the store to carry on my day determined to accomplish something. However my night was similar to most nights, dozing off on the couch before heading to bed.

I don't sleep well anymore, haven't for months. Doesn't matter how many hours I get or don't, my sleep is restless, disturbed, I toss and turn constantly. There is something to sleeping next to a gorgeous woman whom you are deeply in love with that brings peace. I don't have that peace, I feel as if I've lost purpose.

I dislike my job..... no..... wait...... I HATE my job. With a fiery passion that would rival the heat of a thousand suns. I tolerated it because I needed to keep the job the family going. My wife and son needed me to produce. My son has been living with my parents for months now for reasons I don't care to share with you. My wife is gone...... I have lost the passion to better myself, to care for things. It takes every once of my being to not walk into my bosses office, tell him I'm out in two weeks, conduct a fire sale of just about everything I own, and leave. My parents have offered me the spare room, I figured that I'd get a job out there clear everything from my name, get a 2 bedroom apartment and let it be my son and me. The situation works, I'm not home enough to care for a home the size I live in now, my parents have a yard if my son needs to run around. Him being with them is better then a daycare until he's old enough for preschool, I won't need to care about furthering myself until I feel like it. Good university there if I wanted a MBA and to one day own a home again. I just don't feel as if I have purpose anymore, and for a man that's a fate worse then death. For me personally to not constantly be working on a life better then the one I'm living, not bettering myself through study, research, or creating I'm falling behind and I won't stand for it. Now however I just don't' care, existing seems to be enough for me..... unfortunately that's not who I am. I'm the type of person who begs you to throw the worst you got at him so he can prove you wrong and overcome. I'll take on anything out there, take the worst and keep on going...... without my wife by my side encouraging me, without my son to come home to everyday and fuel my fire I've lost my purpose. I've lost my passion, and I don't know when I'll get it back. Until then I'm holding on, holding on for a better day.