It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I blogged about my life in detail. I find it odd, but then again it was the holidays lots of hustle and bustle. Things have calmed somewhat as I enter into the new year.

I just had company at my house, Songstress's parents, younger sister, and her boyfriend came up for the day and spent the night. We had a total of 6 of us plus the dog. It was nice to have the house used for it's intended purpose. They are lovely people and I'm going to be very excited about being apart of that family. Songstress and I have a tentative date set, we haven't run it past our pastor yet, but he's already agreed to start counseling. It's a true blessing to have a spiritual leader who knows exactly what I went through, although he never experienced it himself he did have MANY conversations over the last 4 years with both my late wife and I about our struggles. Technically we're not engaged, but we both want to marry each other.

How did things get to this part, well let me tell you. Meeting with my pastor he's brought up several times how I haven't fully grieved my wife's death. On the 30th of Dec I believe I finished the final grieving that I never did. I spent the day after church on my face before God crying out to Him, afterwards I went downstairs and curled up on the couch, I felt as if I was breaking, then the tears came rolling down my face. I haven't cried like that in months, the last time was the week after the funeral. I weeped and wailed, lamenting her passing, when I stopped I felt spent. I attended the New Year's Watchnight service at church, I came rather down and gloomy but being there lifted my spirit, I came into 2008 a new man.

I'm able to look at her pictures and watch the video's that have her and our son in them, no longer do I skip over them, I actually smile when I watch them. When Songstress came over on New Years Day I felt such a deeper love for her. It was as if areas of my heart had been opened off that were once closed. Our lives, from the passions we share, to the work we do are intertwined.

You might ask how is it that just a few short months after the death of a spouse can someone start talking about marriage, allow me to enlighten you to my life. My marriage wasn't normal, over the last 4 years it veered more towards that of a caregiver and patient relationship. Was there love... of course there was, love was never an issue. Being married to a woman who was as sick as she was didn't allow for a normal marriage in an area. This included intimate times, companionship, even conversation. Try 4 years of at least once a day conversation about chemo, cancer, doctor's appointments, hospital stays, medications, etc. Another point is my wife didn't die suddenly, she slowly passed before my eyes over the years, many ups and downs.

I am have a desire to be a husband, and God knows this and has prepared for me a beautiful woman to have as my wife and for that I am both blessed and joyful.

I'm not sure how much I'll write anymore, my journey as a widower is coming to a close, summertime looks like when we'll be getting married. I've used this blog to help me grieve and gather my thoughts, it has helped me immensely, maybe if someone comes across it it'll help them too. If you're a reader of this blog check back periodically as I may update you as to how my life is going. If not, then I bid you a fond farewell, I'm going to start living again....... and 2008 in doing to be a dynamic year!