A New Perspective

Last week I met with my Pastor as I usually do every Wednesday. He gave me a book called 'The On-Purpose Person', he recommended I read it and follow it as it should help my need to find purpose. The more I read of the book the more I thought to myself.... "I have to first find my purpose to define whether I'm on-purpose or off-purpose". I don't think I've ever figured that out. In my early twenties I didn't have much desire to have direction in my life. I had just gotten out of the Air Force, moved to a new state and started a new job. I was making good money, living in a one bedroom apartment, and things seemed okay. Granted the work I was doing didn't thrill me, and I was lonely but I had been worse off prior, this was a chance at a new start. Shortly after moving here I met my late wife (I'm going to call her "The Mamas" from now on) we married 11 months after meeting. I started college, taking a pre-algebra class over the summer to brush up my math skills and to test the college waters. I went to community college which helped the transition with the goal of getting a Bachelor's. Not much time passed before I lost my job, and The Mamas got sick. My focus shifted to helping her recover, I didn't finish my degree, but my life was consumed by cancer. It dictated where we went, what we did, and what didn't do. My life lost all sense of direction and purpose, or rather my purpose was redefined to being a husband of a cancer patient and eventually a father.

Now I find myself free of the cancer demon, and unfortunately free of my son for the time being. My wife has passed and I am now lost. Directionless, floating in a infinite ocean of possibility yet so overwhelmed I cannot even put the oars in the water to row myself in a direction. In my mind all I need is a new job, paying more money. Something that when I wake up in the morning I'm not dreading to go to. I'm fulfilled in my career, I am challenged, and I am growing. If I have this then I can bring my son home, and stop a lot of the personal anguish I have when I go home. However I don't feel as if this is all that needs to happen, there has to be more.

I find myself very tired, run down, and worn out. I haven't had a vacation in 5 years however taking a vacation seems to be irresponsible given my situation. So as I read this book I'm going to try and gain a new perspective on life. I'm going to attempt to become more on-purpose and figure out my purpose. I wonder however what will become of my life as I do this. What will I have to get rid of, or whom?