I have been wondering ever since this morning why I am writing so much about my life and being so open to what could at some point be an audience larger then what I'd desire. Why do I share such intimate details about my life. This is the only thing I can come up with. I lack the courage to talk about it openly with another human being.
I think that I write on this blog everything I wish I could say out loud. I have editing capabilities, and if I don't want something shared I can type it, get it out of my system and then erase it. It's hard to erase something you've said, you just can't take it back.
Here's another question I have about myself: Why do I seek loneliness, when that's the one thing I don't want? What has caused me to alienate friends? I had the opportunity last night to hang out with some friends and watch football, I declined stating that I had things to do around the house. After taking my dog for our evening walk, I sat at home and did nothing the rest of the night (outside taking down the pictures). I had wonderful plans for this weekend with "Songstress" that I was looking forward to, but I cancelled them at the last moment for no good reason. Ever since I said good-bye to my late wife, I haven't quite been the same. Walking to the patch of dirt that covers her final resting place really took a toll on me. I poured out everything that I had kept hidden from her. I told her of the developments in my life, and then I told her I'd come back some day, but I wouldn't talk with her anymore. I gave up the last remaining thread of intimacy I had with another human being. I realized that I could talk all day long to her, but she'd never respond to me. Now I have no one around, and that's all I had wanted for the last 7 months was someone to share my life with.
From the studies and journals I've read about those who have lost a spouse/loved one I can recognize that I'm reverting back a bit. From my understanding it's common. If you've noticed my previous moods and entries have been on the lighter side. I think the sudden sense of loneliness has taken over, it was like a todal wave and it caught me off guard, and now I'm feeding it everything it wants. Tomorrow I'm sure will be a better day, I'll probably feel much better about things. This back and forth really grades on my nerves, makes me feel bi-polar...... I think that is why I'm keeping everyone at arms length, it's a nasty rollercoaster ride and I don't want to make anyone sick.
Friday, November 30, 2007
When the Loneliness Creeps In Pt. 2
This is a continuation from the previous post.
To recap, I've felt alone for probably 7 months now even though I was married. My late wife was in a coma for 4 weeks before she passed, I never got to talk with her, she never could talk back to me. My son is almost 300 miles away from me, I see him for less then 48 hours every 2 weeks. Then there is her.
Her is a friend of mine... well she's supposed to be my friend, but tell that to my heart. Since I don't use names, and I call myself YW (Young Widower) I'm going to call her "Songstress" since I don't want to refer to her as "Her".
I've known Songstress for probably 4 years now. We weren't ever very close, but it wasn't like we were total strangers either. She's the woman I ended up on a date with, I don't want to go into detail about how or why, at least not now. It's funny the way I feel about her, I wonder often if I'm just completely crazy (chances are I'm at least slightly crazy). I know that nothing can transpire now, and maybe not for awhile. I felt the same way about my late wife when I met her, and that scares me. I kept trying to push away my late wife for fear of hurting her, or maybe it was for fear of me getting hurt, not quite sure because I never sought a therapist. Me and Songstress talk..... alot. We talk until the wee hours in the morning, go to work and I unload on her e-mail inbox with random thoughts that come to my head. You see it's nice to have some one who is healthy to talk to. My wife wasn't, I was afraid she'd worried or try to do too much if I told her everything that was going on with me. I was afraid that it would impede on her recovery and add more stress to her life. Songstress however is cancer-free, and is a terrific listener. She reminds me alot of my late wife, many similar qualities and characteristics, that makes things so much harder for me.
See I've waited for 4 years to get my wife back, but she passed on. I waited so long to live a normal life and to have someone who could recieve me and I didn't have to hold back with. Unfortunately as I've stated before I have to hold back.... and because of that I'm finding myself getting closed off. It's been an emotional week for me. The stress of getting my truck fixed and the bill that followed. Leaving my son again, realizing I'm not as good off as I thought I was. Now it's nearly December and Christmas is around the corner. A snow storm is set to hit where I live, a perfect opportunity to stay in bed where it's warm. To drink hot cocoa by the fireplace and watch the snow fill my pond. I had invited Songstress over to see my pond (not a metaphor, I have a drainage pond in my backyard that attracts various water fowl and wildlife. It's the home to a family of muskrats) we were going to watch a movie and maybe play games, but I don't want to drag her into the mess that I am right now. Speaking of fireplaces, did I tell you about my mantle? It was once home to many pictures of my wife and me, now only a few remain. I also pitched her meds, and put away some of her things. I figured that the house didn't need to be a monument to her, because if I kept it that way I'd never move on. It was hard gathering all those pictures, some remain, maybe two of us and three of her and my son. The candle that honored and burned at her funeral sits up there, but that's it. I need to make room for more memories, and more pictures but doing that last night was hard, necessary but hard.
I thought the emotional rollercoaster would end with the passing of my wife, but I was wrong, I just got on a different ride. I know that things will improve over time, that maybe just maybe I can find happiness with Songstress, or at least find a way to be her friend. I know that this week has been a rough week, and things will be better. They say time is the best healer, but I grow impatient I've waited a long time I don't want to wait anymore.
To recap, I've felt alone for probably 7 months now even though I was married. My late wife was in a coma for 4 weeks before she passed, I never got to talk with her, she never could talk back to me. My son is almost 300 miles away from me, I see him for less then 48 hours every 2 weeks. Then there is her.
Her is a friend of mine... well she's supposed to be my friend, but tell that to my heart. Since I don't use names, and I call myself YW (Young Widower) I'm going to call her "Songstress" since I don't want to refer to her as "Her".
I've known Songstress for probably 4 years now. We weren't ever very close, but it wasn't like we were total strangers either. She's the woman I ended up on a date with, I don't want to go into detail about how or why, at least not now. It's funny the way I feel about her, I wonder often if I'm just completely crazy (chances are I'm at least slightly crazy). I know that nothing can transpire now, and maybe not for awhile. I felt the same way about my late wife when I met her, and that scares me. I kept trying to push away my late wife for fear of hurting her, or maybe it was for fear of me getting hurt, not quite sure because I never sought a therapist. Me and Songstress talk..... alot. We talk until the wee hours in the morning, go to work and I unload on her e-mail inbox with random thoughts that come to my head. You see it's nice to have some one who is healthy to talk to. My wife wasn't, I was afraid she'd worried or try to do too much if I told her everything that was going on with me. I was afraid that it would impede on her recovery and add more stress to her life. Songstress however is cancer-free, and is a terrific listener. She reminds me alot of my late wife, many similar qualities and characteristics, that makes things so much harder for me.
See I've waited for 4 years to get my wife back, but she passed on. I waited so long to live a normal life and to have someone who could recieve me and I didn't have to hold back with. Unfortunately as I've stated before I have to hold back.... and because of that I'm finding myself getting closed off. It's been an emotional week for me. The stress of getting my truck fixed and the bill that followed. Leaving my son again, realizing I'm not as good off as I thought I was. Now it's nearly December and Christmas is around the corner. A snow storm is set to hit where I live, a perfect opportunity to stay in bed where it's warm. To drink hot cocoa by the fireplace and watch the snow fill my pond. I had invited Songstress over to see my pond (not a metaphor, I have a drainage pond in my backyard that attracts various water fowl and wildlife. It's the home to a family of muskrats) we were going to watch a movie and maybe play games, but I don't want to drag her into the mess that I am right now. Speaking of fireplaces, did I tell you about my mantle? It was once home to many pictures of my wife and me, now only a few remain. I also pitched her meds, and put away some of her things. I figured that the house didn't need to be a monument to her, because if I kept it that way I'd never move on. It was hard gathering all those pictures, some remain, maybe two of us and three of her and my son. The candle that honored and burned at her funeral sits up there, but that's it. I need to make room for more memories, and more pictures but doing that last night was hard, necessary but hard.
I thought the emotional rollercoaster would end with the passing of my wife, but I was wrong, I just got on a different ride. I know that things will improve over time, that maybe just maybe I can find happiness with Songstress, or at least find a way to be her friend. I know that this week has been a rough week, and things will be better. They say time is the best healer, but I grow impatient I've waited a long time I don't want to wait anymore.
When the Loneliness Creeps In Pt. 1
I got my truck back today, it's driving a bit stiff but with a new drive line I'm sure it'll loosen up in time.
**Warning** This may be a very long post, if I deem it to be too long I'll break it up into parts.
So.... where do I begin. I've been lonely for quite some time. My late wife passed in October of this year but I've been lonely for much longer then that. It started probably in April when the doctor asked my wife if she wanted to continue treatment because it didn't look like they'd get her into remission long enough to have the transplant. I was sitting with my son staring at her while the doctor asked her if she wanted to die. We switched doctors and dropped my wife off at a new hospital over 2 hours away. I would visit with our son every weekend, spending Saturday nights in the room with her on a pullout couch. This went on for 4 weeks. Because the time in between remission and relapse kept getting shorter she went back into the hospital about 2 weeks after she returned home. She was in the hospital again for almost 2 months, during that time her lungs began bleeding and she was touch and go. She wasn't home for more then 4 months before she went back in again. During that time though she had recieved so much chemotherapy and radiation that she could barely function at times. Even though she was there with me she wasn't. You see my wife was having an affair, cancer had stolen her away from me and I couldnt' stop it. I was in a three entity marriage, and I was very much alone.
So it's been about 7 months of loneliness for me, add that to the many months of seperation between us as she was in the hospital. Now the separation is permanent, at least for now. Add this to the fact that my son isn't with me..... especially during this holiday season. I'm not a fan of Christmas as I've mentioned before, but there are certain things as a parent that you are supposed to enjoy. There is a holiday parade that is put on where I live, I've never been. Lived here 7 years and I've never been. I though maybe he'd like to go see it with me this year, but I don't think that'll happen. My mother told me they're taking him this weekend to see Santa for the first time, I'll miss that too. I'm missing all of his developments, and these are times I'll never get back with him. I received an e-mail from my mother stating that she wasn't thrilled about me putting my son in daycare, and the horrors of doing so. She then suggested that I leave him with them a little longer, this after asking me if I was missing him terribly. I called him yesterday just to talk to him, to hear him press the buttons on the phone, and maybe if I was lucky hear him let out a gleeful squeal as he ran through the house.
**Warning** This may be a very long post, if I deem it to be too long I'll break it up into parts.
So.... where do I begin. I've been lonely for quite some time. My late wife passed in October of this year but I've been lonely for much longer then that. It started probably in April when the doctor asked my wife if she wanted to continue treatment because it didn't look like they'd get her into remission long enough to have the transplant. I was sitting with my son staring at her while the doctor asked her if she wanted to die. We switched doctors and dropped my wife off at a new hospital over 2 hours away. I would visit with our son every weekend, spending Saturday nights in the room with her on a pullout couch. This went on for 4 weeks. Because the time in between remission and relapse kept getting shorter she went back into the hospital about 2 weeks after she returned home. She was in the hospital again for almost 2 months, during that time her lungs began bleeding and she was touch and go. She wasn't home for more then 4 months before she went back in again. During that time though she had recieved so much chemotherapy and radiation that she could barely function at times. Even though she was there with me she wasn't. You see my wife was having an affair, cancer had stolen her away from me and I couldnt' stop it. I was in a three entity marriage, and I was very much alone.
So it's been about 7 months of loneliness for me, add that to the many months of seperation between us as she was in the hospital. Now the separation is permanent, at least for now. Add this to the fact that my son isn't with me..... especially during this holiday season. I'm not a fan of Christmas as I've mentioned before, but there are certain things as a parent that you are supposed to enjoy. There is a holiday parade that is put on where I live, I've never been. Lived here 7 years and I've never been. I though maybe he'd like to go see it with me this year, but I don't think that'll happen. My mother told me they're taking him this weekend to see Santa for the first time, I'll miss that too. I'm missing all of his developments, and these are times I'll never get back with him. I received an e-mail from my mother stating that she wasn't thrilled about me putting my son in daycare, and the horrors of doing so. She then suggested that I leave him with them a little longer, this after asking me if I was missing him terribly. I called him yesterday just to talk to him, to hear him press the buttons on the phone, and maybe if I was lucky hear him let out a gleeful squeal as he ran through the house.
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