When the Loneliness Creeps In Pt. 1

I got my truck back today, it's driving a bit stiff but with a new drive line I'm sure it'll loosen up in time.

**Warning** This may be a very long post, if I deem it to be too long I'll break it up into parts.

So.... where do I begin. I've been lonely for quite some time. My late wife passed in October of this year but I've been lonely for much longer then that. It started probably in April when the doctor asked my wife if she wanted to continue treatment because it didn't look like they'd get her into remission long enough to have the transplant. I was sitting with my son staring at her while the doctor asked her if she wanted to die. We switched doctors and dropped my wife off at a new hospital over 2 hours away. I would visit with our son every weekend, spending Saturday nights in the room with her on a pullout couch. This went on for 4 weeks. Because the time in between remission and relapse kept getting shorter she went back into the hospital about 2 weeks after she returned home. She was in the hospital again for almost 2 months, during that time her lungs began bleeding and she was touch and go. She wasn't home for more then 4 months before she went back in again. During that time though she had recieved so much chemotherapy and radiation that she could barely function at times. Even though she was there with me she wasn't. You see my wife was having an affair, cancer had stolen her away from me and I couldnt' stop it. I was in a three entity marriage, and I was very much alone.

So it's been about 7 months of loneliness for me, add that to the many months of seperation between us as she was in the hospital. Now the separation is permanent, at least for now. Add this to the fact that my son isn't with me..... especially during this holiday season. I'm not a fan of Christmas as I've mentioned before, but there are certain things as a parent that you are supposed to enjoy. There is a holiday parade that is put on where I live, I've never been. Lived here 7 years and I've never been. I though maybe he'd like to go see it with me this year, but I don't think that'll happen. My mother told me they're taking him this weekend to see Santa for the first time, I'll miss that too. I'm missing all of his developments, and these are times I'll never get back with him. I received an e-mail from my mother stating that she wasn't thrilled about me putting my son in daycare, and the horrors of doing so. She then suggested that I leave him with them a little longer, this after asking me if I was missing him terribly. I called him yesterday just to talk to him, to hear him press the buttons on the phone, and maybe if I was lucky hear him let out a gleeful squeal as he ran through the house.