I've Been Here Before

Hello Everyone,
I was encouraged to blog again to get some of my feelings out the in open. A lot has happened in the 3 months since I last wrote, a lot of revelations about life. I have found out that I was only kidding myself, I'm still grieving. I thought I had finished it, but the truth remains the intensity of it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel suffocated by it, as if I'm drowning in a sea of memory. Monday will mark the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing, a half year has gone by and my life still hasn't started yet.

I tried to fast track my grief, I wanted to get through it so that I could be done with it. I'm not a man who deals well with emotions, I came from the typical macho background of stuffing it deep deep down. Now that I've embraced the grief and finally let it come out I find it so intense that I don't know what to do. I though that by now my life would be moving in a different direction. I'd start to live again, feeling the freedom of being released from the cancer my late wife had. I got more done, lived a fuller life when she was alive, I don't like this new found freedom because it's more of a prison. I feel my health deteriorating, my drive and my passion burns with the intensity of a match in a downpour. I started a blog about the stock market (my passion) and I haven't touched it in a month.

Yesterday I spent a good minute staring into the sink at my job's kitchen area. Just staring, the coffee mug nearly slipping out of my hands. I didn't know where I went, I just know it wasn't anywhere pleasurable. Life seems to be at a standstill, yet time keeps flying by. My son will celebrate his 2nd birthday in only 3 1/2 months. He'll be 2, where has the time gone?

You may be wondering what has become of my and Songstress, well I'll let you know somethings, other are to be kept private. Things haven't been well between us lately, rough roads. It's based upon a combination of many things, mainly my status and her personality. She's a wonderful woman, but a very sensitive woman. Far more sensitive then anyone I've ever known, not the kind of person you'd pair with a widower and that's where the problem lies. I'm a widower, I still love my late wife and no one woman that I know wants to share the love of her man with another woman, dead of alive. I don't blame her, or any woman for that matter. You dream of marrying a man who wants to do it all for you, pledge his undying love to you, create a world around you, not a man who has 'episodes' where he finds himself in the arms of his late wife reliving a memory of times gone by.

I love Songstress, and I love my late wife, differently of course. I'll never stop loving my late wife, when you've been married and pledged your undying love to a woman you will love her until you die. It would be the same if Songstress and I were married first and she passed. It's intense for me because we have a child together, we lost a child together, battled cancer for 4 years together, spent 7 years together, but we never had a chance to say goodbye together. A life cut short, both hers and mine.

So where does this leave me? In the same place I have been, only know I realize where I am. The life before me still isn't defined. Lately I've been wondering if I'd prefer to be alone. You see I was alone often when my late wife was sick. She'd be in the hospital for days and weeks at a time. She was in a coma for a month before passing. I grew used to be alone, not having time for friends because my focus was my son and ill wife. I wonder why I want to remarry, why I want to find someone else. I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life, I have love to give, I enjoy sharing my life with someone, I want my son to have the best life possible. I want more children too, I want a family. However I question if there are any women out there who could embrace a widower the way I want them to? Sometimes I think if I can find someone to love my son while I'm at work then that's all I need. Single parents make things work, and the children can come out well rounded. My son has been with my parents for the last 6 months, he loves them and they've re-built their lives around him. Leaving him in that situation could work, the only problem is I live 250 miles away. Getting them to move here seems impossible, but me leaving and going there isn't outside the realm of possibility. It's something that I was sure I'd never do, I had made it up in my mind that I was going to stick it out here regardless. Lately I've been wanting to try a fresh start, I've thought about moving to somewhere that I really want to live (Denver or San Diego) but I have no one there for my son and I'd be too far from my late wife's grave to bring my son to visit.

So for now my life seems in limbo, but it's okay I've been here before.