Friday, April 18, 2008
Making a Decision
This will be the second post today... something I want to get off my chest before the weekend. For the last 6 months I've struggled in my decision making, something I've never done before. I've always been strong in decision making, even if it's the wrong one. Once I chose something I stick with it, good or bad I don't like turning back on it. For the last 6 months I've wavered about where I'm going to be. There are 4 places in my mind, two are fleeting choices, weak in comparison of the other two. Denver and San Diego both are places I'd love to live, but I probably wouldn't move there. Where I am now, and Madison are the two front runners. I met with my Pastor on Wednesday, something I've been doing just about every week for the last 5-6 months. He's my mentor, tells me like it is yet allows me to discover things on my own. he's been watching me go through changes, watching me fight the grieving process. Now I'm letting it all out and it's brought me to a crucial junction. Do I stay, or do I go. I won't get into the logistics, but needless to say I've decided to stay. My Pastor told me that I need to stop running from grieving, stop running from the memories of my wife, I need to learn to embrace them and honor them, and so I shall. I told you about the Iris' (FYI not coming until August/September...... I wish I had known that earlier!!!!) there are a few other things I need to do. First thing is to add a few more pictures in the home. One's of the three of us, her and my son, and those of her work. Songstress called me the other day and told me of a great idea. a friend of hers made a quilt out of someones old clothing, a way to remember that person. She thought my son might like that. You see while in the hospital undergoing her bone marrow transplant my wife received a quilt of silk screened pictures of our son, it was hung up on the wall so she could see it everyday. I think I'm going to memorialize her in that way too. It's time to honor my wife's memory, her legacy, her life. It's time for me to make some decisions about mine. I joke with Songstress all the time about decisions, I say in a joking manner that we're going to do something because ".... I'm a man, and when I make decisions things happen!" It's time for things to happen in my life, it's time to embrace all that was and is my wife; to grieve my loss and to honor her life. The flowers in the front lawn, the photos of her, and her work that she was most proud of as am I all of these things remind me of her...... and that's just fine with me.
I Hate Waiting
I've never been a patient man, a real flaw I have. I want to enjoy things, and to enjoy them now. On Monday the 14th marked the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing. On that day Songstress sent me a e-mail about a sale going on at a nursery. I'm not much of a gardener, last year my mother planted Roma tomatoes for me (my favorite kind) and I forgot to take care of them, the plants scorched, and the yield wasn't as much as it could have been. In front of my house there is an area covered in wood chips that could be used for planting flowers. Last year my mother took the opportunity to plant flowers there for us, I couldn't care otherwise.
I decided to take a look at this sale, it was buy one for regular price, get a second for a penny so I thought why not. I ended up ordering some flowers and they haven't shipped yet, my patience does have a limit! The flowers I chose have some special meaning to me, even though I'm not a plant guy there are certain flowers that have great meaning to me. I ordered two types of Columbine because it reminds me of my time in Colorado, hiking through mountain valleys covered in wild flowers, Columbine's sprinkled in. I also ordered Lady's Mantle, the name echoed in my heart, that's what Songstress is going to do in a way. Take up the mantle of my deceased wife as my wife one day, and mother to my son. It's heavy mantle to carry, it makes me think of Elijah and Elisha, read II King 2 if you need a refresher. I ordered a few other pretty flowers and that was it.
Another flower I love is lilac. Every year just about I send a bouquet of it to my mother for Mother's Day (which is coming up! Hope I don't forget!) She loves them, the color and the smell. I love the smell, here in Minnesota they bloom in about mid-May. I like to roll down the window as I drive and take in the aroma. It's intoxicating, almost so that I forget that I'm driving, need to focus on the road. There may not be a more heavenly scent in all the earth.
Tulips are hands down my favorite flower, they were the favorite of my wife as well. Last year my mother attended the Tulip Festival in Holland, Michigan, something we did when I was a child living in Ohio. While there she picked up some bulbs specifically for us, she planted them last year in the area in front of our home. They lie underneath the ground, dormant waiting for Spring to awaken them, when they burst forth and bloom they'll line the walkway leading to the front doors. It'll make a fine welcome for any and all visitors. I'm trying to wait patiently for them, it's quite a good lesson.
Today is received an e-mail from the slow-as-a-snail nursery that I ordered my Columbine from. As I was about to delete it I noticed the heading, "Sale on Iris'".... the Iris..... the memories those hold for me. Before I knew my wife she was in a car accident, they settled and she got some money. She took some of it and bought a nice camera and some equipment. She took a photography class in high school and loved it, now she had a nice camera of her own. When we first started dating and wanted something to do together I took up photography too as a hobby. We'd hike up north and go on photo expeditions. I prefer wildlife, she macro (up close). She excelled at taking photos of flowers. I remember taking her with me to picnic with my parents on the 4th of July one year. She took her camera with her, my parents thought her slightly different. I immediately knew why, she was laying on the ground on her stomach in front of a dead dandelion, camera in hand taking pictures. I chuckled, that's how she was, she found beauty in things most people overlooked. While on a hike my father pointed out many different "photo" quality pictures for her to take! We slowed down the pace so she could do her thing, they were welcoming her in. Years later photos we took on that trip and other still hang in my parents home. Some from her, some from me. One day while walking near her parents home we came upon a small pond, this pond was surrounded by wild Iris' a perfect opportunity for her to work. She captured those flowers and other Iris' over the years. They posed for her, opened themselves up just so she could capture their beauty. Those photos hang in my home as they have hung in our home over the last 6 years. I immediately purchased the Iris' on sale, and I can't wait to get them home.
The flower garden in the front lawn is going to look rather odd. A metal frog given to my wife by a friend (she liked frog stuff), rocks from my many hikes (I'm a bit of a rock hound), flowers that don't match, Columbine, Lady's Mantle, Iris, and Tulip. All of it tells a story, bits and pieces on my life, and her life, and our lives. A tapestry of beauty, a story that will unfold every Spring.
I decided to take a look at this sale, it was buy one for regular price, get a second for a penny so I thought why not. I ended up ordering some flowers and they haven't shipped yet, my patience does have a limit! The flowers I chose have some special meaning to me, even though I'm not a plant guy there are certain flowers that have great meaning to me. I ordered two types of Columbine because it reminds me of my time in Colorado, hiking through mountain valleys covered in wild flowers, Columbine's sprinkled in. I also ordered Lady's Mantle, the name echoed in my heart, that's what Songstress is going to do in a way. Take up the mantle of my deceased wife as my wife one day, and mother to my son. It's heavy mantle to carry, it makes me think of Elijah and Elisha, read II King 2 if you need a refresher. I ordered a few other pretty flowers and that was it.
Another flower I love is lilac. Every year just about I send a bouquet of it to my mother for Mother's Day (which is coming up! Hope I don't forget!) She loves them, the color and the smell. I love the smell, here in Minnesota they bloom in about mid-May. I like to roll down the window as I drive and take in the aroma. It's intoxicating, almost so that I forget that I'm driving, need to focus on the road. There may not be a more heavenly scent in all the earth.
Tulips are hands down my favorite flower, they were the favorite of my wife as well. Last year my mother attended the Tulip Festival in Holland, Michigan, something we did when I was a child living in Ohio. While there she picked up some bulbs specifically for us, she planted them last year in the area in front of our home. They lie underneath the ground, dormant waiting for Spring to awaken them, when they burst forth and bloom they'll line the walkway leading to the front doors. It'll make a fine welcome for any and all visitors. I'm trying to wait patiently for them, it's quite a good lesson.
Today is received an e-mail from the slow-as-a-snail nursery that I ordered my Columbine from. As I was about to delete it I noticed the heading, "Sale on Iris'".... the Iris..... the memories those hold for me. Before I knew my wife she was in a car accident, they settled and she got some money. She took some of it and bought a nice camera and some equipment. She took a photography class in high school and loved it, now she had a nice camera of her own. When we first started dating and wanted something to do together I took up photography too as a hobby. We'd hike up north and go on photo expeditions. I prefer wildlife, she macro (up close). She excelled at taking photos of flowers. I remember taking her with me to picnic with my parents on the 4th of July one year. She took her camera with her, my parents thought her slightly different. I immediately knew why, she was laying on the ground on her stomach in front of a dead dandelion, camera in hand taking pictures. I chuckled, that's how she was, she found beauty in things most people overlooked. While on a hike my father pointed out many different "photo" quality pictures for her to take! We slowed down the pace so she could do her thing, they were welcoming her in. Years later photos we took on that trip and other still hang in my parents home. Some from her, some from me. One day while walking near her parents home we came upon a small pond, this pond was surrounded by wild Iris' a perfect opportunity for her to work. She captured those flowers and other Iris' over the years. They posed for her, opened themselves up just so she could capture their beauty. Those photos hang in my home as they have hung in our home over the last 6 years. I immediately purchased the Iris' on sale, and I can't wait to get them home.
The flower garden in the front lawn is going to look rather odd. A metal frog given to my wife by a friend (she liked frog stuff), rocks from my many hikes (I'm a bit of a rock hound), flowers that don't match, Columbine, Lady's Mantle, Iris, and Tulip. All of it tells a story, bits and pieces on my life, and her life, and our lives. A tapestry of beauty, a story that will unfold every Spring.
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