To My Loyal Readers!
It is amazing how complex a human being can be. In my last post I talked about the challenges Songstress and I were having. After some counseling with our Pastor, alot of root issues began to surface. Turns out I was paying for the mistakes of another even though I gave her everything she wanted and more her concept of love has been tainted by other men in her life that have done her wrong. She believed that the tainted love she received was the best she could ever get, it wasn't her fault, she never was given the chance.
We're working through this together, and she's beginning to make great progress. I don't want you all to believe that she's a project to me, I'm with her for what I see in her, I'm in love with her despite whatever may seem wrong. If you could see what I see, you would have no questions, it would be obvious. Someone posted a comment (please put down a name or something when you leave a comment!) cautioning me to be careful. I thank them for the concern but caution isn't my strong suit! I'm a risk taker, and love is risky if I hold back for even a second there can be divison. I'm running to Songstress with open arms, fully vunerable, what she does with that is up to her. I was once a very closed off man..... it's a miserable way to live.
There are many issues that I'm dealing with that are carry-over from before I met Songstress, and I'm trying to toe the line between protection and secrecy. How do I not involve her because she doesn't need to know the whole story and to bear any extra weight. I believe that women are the weaker vessels, and that a real man is equip to bear much more then a woman as he should. I believe men are to be the Priest, Provider, and Protector of the home, that includes the family that dwells there in.
I'm a HUGE fan of the movie 300, it's become my new favorite along side Black Hawk Down. In that movie King Leonidas leaves his home to defend his country for it's people, for freedom, and for the woman he affectionately calls "His Queen". He sacrifices himself for her, their son, and their way of life. He leads his men into sure death and they go knowing full well what lies ahead, but it is the courage, valour, and strength that causes them to fight to the bitter end. If the Queen knew what really happened on that battle field she may never have been able to endure it, it would have been more then she could have taken or wanted to know, no matter what how strong she was. She stayed at home and fought her own fight from a place of safety. She knew the end result, but didn't know what it took to get there, the blood that was shed, the pain endured, the battles fought. I'm walking that same line with Songstress, how do I protect her but yet keep her close enough to me. It's a fine line to walk..... one day I'll get it right.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Hanging on by a thread
Oh the ups and the downs of my world......it's like a rollercoaster except this one I don't enjoy. I grew up in Ohio and we had Cedar Point and Kings Island, two amusement parks. I loved the rollercoaster, but the one I have been on for the last 5 years I could do without.
Things with Songstress started off great when we got back together, but now....... I'm coming to the end of my rope. We've been together now for 2 months, and I have to confess it's been work. There have been many issues to deal with, and many roadblocks to cross over. Never once have I ever truly thought about giving up, but as of right now I'm tired, I'm weary, and I'm wondering how much there is left in the tank and how long will it last.
I'm a great man, I'm not bragging but just confident in myself. I'm a great father to my son, I own my home, I have a VERY bright future. College educated, a Deacon in my church, and I love God. I stood by my ailing wife for 4 years, with her to the very bitter end. I'm young, and I'm not all that bad to look at. I'm no movie star, but I'm not hideous. I treat Songstress like a queen and shower her with love and affection. I'm giving her everything I wanted to give my late wife but couldn't because of her illness. I'm so in love with her that other women don't even exist to me. We went out to lunch today and my boss commented on the single women and how lovely they were..... I didn't even notice any good looking women there. I've made her the center of my world, I've rearranged my home to make sure to it that she's comfortable there, putting away all pictures of my late wife or keeping them out of public view. So why is it that I feel that she treats me like garbage at times and acts as if she wants to push me out the door?
I e-mailed her family after the wedding was called off, I took the blame for everything, pinned it all on me. I wanted to cover her and take any questions, concerns, and speculation off of her and bear it myself. Was I a party to the folly, yes I was...... but there were two of us. Everytime we have any arguement I apologize whether it was my fault or not, in my prayer time I go before God and ask Him to make me a better man, because something I did caused anger, frustration, irritation to rise up in Songstress, even if I didn't do anything wrong. I covered her because love covers the multitude of sins. I've taken the verbal assaults, spent countless hours ministering to her needs, trying to help her, and pouring out everything I had until the tank was empty and then dipping into my reserves. I have work to do, an empire to build yet I'll put it all aside for her, the same way I put my life aside for my late wife. With Songstress though we're not even married yet, still dating..... so why do I do it?
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I have faith for better days to come, a great marriage, a union of oneness, and my love for her and the faith I have keeps me holding on. I know how to suffer through, I did it for 4 years. I just hope that faith, hope, and love is enough for me to hold on to. My relationship I feel from my perspective is on life support..... can it recover? What will it take? It'll take me feeling like I'm not trying to do this alone. I felt like I was believing we'd get back together alone..... now I feel as if I'm trying to keep us together alone. The Bible says not to grow weary in well doing; for you shall reap if you faint not. I went from holding on and hanging on for 4 years to another relationship in which I'm doing the same thing. I want a woman who's willing to invest just as much as I am, someone who wants to fight for a promise, not push away a blessing. For now I'll keep holding on, hanging by a thread, I just hope I dont' have to hold on long and that the thread can bear me up.
Things with Songstress started off great when we got back together, but now....... I'm coming to the end of my rope. We've been together now for 2 months, and I have to confess it's been work. There have been many issues to deal with, and many roadblocks to cross over. Never once have I ever truly thought about giving up, but as of right now I'm tired, I'm weary, and I'm wondering how much there is left in the tank and how long will it last.
I'm a great man, I'm not bragging but just confident in myself. I'm a great father to my son, I own my home, I have a VERY bright future. College educated, a Deacon in my church, and I love God. I stood by my ailing wife for 4 years, with her to the very bitter end. I'm young, and I'm not all that bad to look at. I'm no movie star, but I'm not hideous. I treat Songstress like a queen and shower her with love and affection. I'm giving her everything I wanted to give my late wife but couldn't because of her illness. I'm so in love with her that other women don't even exist to me. We went out to lunch today and my boss commented on the single women and how lovely they were..... I didn't even notice any good looking women there. I've made her the center of my world, I've rearranged my home to make sure to it that she's comfortable there, putting away all pictures of my late wife or keeping them out of public view. So why is it that I feel that she treats me like garbage at times and acts as if she wants to push me out the door?
I e-mailed her family after the wedding was called off, I took the blame for everything, pinned it all on me. I wanted to cover her and take any questions, concerns, and speculation off of her and bear it myself. Was I a party to the folly, yes I was...... but there were two of us. Everytime we have any arguement I apologize whether it was my fault or not, in my prayer time I go before God and ask Him to make me a better man, because something I did caused anger, frustration, irritation to rise up in Songstress, even if I didn't do anything wrong. I covered her because love covers the multitude of sins. I've taken the verbal assaults, spent countless hours ministering to her needs, trying to help her, and pouring out everything I had until the tank was empty and then dipping into my reserves. I have work to do, an empire to build yet I'll put it all aside for her, the same way I put my life aside for my late wife. With Songstress though we're not even married yet, still dating..... so why do I do it?
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I have faith for better days to come, a great marriage, a union of oneness, and my love for her and the faith I have keeps me holding on. I know how to suffer through, I did it for 4 years. I just hope that faith, hope, and love is enough for me to hold on to. My relationship I feel from my perspective is on life support..... can it recover? What will it take? It'll take me feeling like I'm not trying to do this alone. I felt like I was believing we'd get back together alone..... now I feel as if I'm trying to keep us together alone. The Bible says not to grow weary in well doing; for you shall reap if you faint not. I went from holding on and hanging on for 4 years to another relationship in which I'm doing the same thing. I want a woman who's willing to invest just as much as I am, someone who wants to fight for a promise, not push away a blessing. For now I'll keep holding on, hanging by a thread, I just hope I dont' have to hold on long and that the thread can bear me up.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Spoiled By Songstress
Well for anyone who reads this blog, if you happen to have caught the comment left on the previous post you'll notice that Songstress left her 2 cents.
Yes, we are officially back on, and better then ever before. We met at Perkins on the 18th and patched everything up. I haven't popped the question yet because I lack a ring and a set date. Both are coming though, I'm sure of it.
So there you have it, Songstress and I are going to be getting married sometime in 2008 I'm sure, I can't wait much longer. I might kidnap her and elope with her if I have to.....she's too good to not be married to. She's my priceless jewel, a precious and rare find.
Yes, we are officially back on, and better then ever before. We met at Perkins on the 18th and patched everything up. I haven't popped the question yet because I lack a ring and a set date. Both are coming though, I'm sure of it.
So there you have it, Songstress and I are going to be getting married sometime in 2008 I'm sure, I can't wait much longer. I might kidnap her and elope with her if I have to.....she's too good to not be married to. She's my priceless jewel, a precious and rare find.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Still Holding
Not too long after I wrote the last post I received an e-mail from my pastor talking about how there is a possibility of reconciliation between Songstress and I. Can I tell you I nearly fell out of my chair. Then something else just as wonderful happened...... she called me.
We talked until early this morning, she mostly dogged me for how much I hurt her..... I sat there taking it, fighting off tears of both hurt and joy. The woman I love is talking to me, even if she was calling me a "jerk" and telling me that " I sucked" and "wasn't cool" it didn't matter, I could hear her voice, even when she didn't talk I knew she was there.
I'm still holding on to that mustard seed, holding on to the little I have left, but that's all I need. So where do me and Songstress stand? We're two seperate individuals, no plans for marriage, not engaged, but there is a possibility that we can begin again. She's very hurt and very angry at me, she doesn't know if she can trust me but I believe over time that can change. Time can heal the heart, I know it can, I'm proof.
If you're just joining us here, take the time to read about Songstress in my earlier posts. Look on the left hand side of the screen, you'll see things dating back to Nov. After my late wife passed on I didn't think I'd ever remarry, who could measure up to such a wonderful woman as she was. Little did I know that God made this woman especially for me, she turned my life on it's ear I didn't know I could love so deeply. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years 5 months prior to our first date (I call him a Mama's Boy Panty Waste because over a 5 year time span he never married Songstress, that guy hasn't a clue what he has missed out on. This woman is the total package...... she's a precious jewel, a rare and priceless find). She was everything I needed, even if I didn't know I needed it. You see she is what I affectionately call "My Little Social Activist". She's out the save the world by herself, she's not the kind of woman who demands a Jaguar, Mercedes, and Gucci. She wants to travel to remote places in the world and rescue the lost. I began to think to myself why is a corporate man like myself who would rather vacation at a 5-star resort with a woman who doesn't mind bathing out of a bucket and sleeping on the floor of a grass hut together? Little did I know that I needed a woman like her to accomplish what I want to do. She's a social worker, and I have a mission to break the back of poverty, to feed thousands, clothe and house thousands...... who better to help me get it done then a social worker. Now we could be business partners only, but I love her too much to just work with her 9-5.
She was made especially for me, I need her. It takes a special woman to love a widower, and to love his son as her own. So if I am given a chance to be with her once again....now that I understand exactly how perfect she is for me I'll cherish her even the more. I thought that I saw her for how wonderful she was before, but now I can see beyond what I could see before. So I stand here holding on, I'll keep you updated.
FYI - To whoever posted that link to Jeremy Camp I appreciate it. Funny thing I have his latest CD 'Carried Me' and I've been listening to it alot lately, I recommend it to anyone.
We talked until early this morning, she mostly dogged me for how much I hurt her..... I sat there taking it, fighting off tears of both hurt and joy. The woman I love is talking to me, even if she was calling me a "jerk" and telling me that " I sucked" and "wasn't cool" it didn't matter, I could hear her voice, even when she didn't talk I knew she was there.
I'm still holding on to that mustard seed, holding on to the little I have left, but that's all I need. So where do me and Songstress stand? We're two seperate individuals, no plans for marriage, not engaged, but there is a possibility that we can begin again. She's very hurt and very angry at me, she doesn't know if she can trust me but I believe over time that can change. Time can heal the heart, I know it can, I'm proof.
If you're just joining us here, take the time to read about Songstress in my earlier posts. Look on the left hand side of the screen, you'll see things dating back to Nov. After my late wife passed on I didn't think I'd ever remarry, who could measure up to such a wonderful woman as she was. Little did I know that God made this woman especially for me, she turned my life on it's ear I didn't know I could love so deeply. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years 5 months prior to our first date (I call him a Mama's Boy Panty Waste because over a 5 year time span he never married Songstress, that guy hasn't a clue what he has missed out on. This woman is the total package...... she's a precious jewel, a rare and priceless find). She was everything I needed, even if I didn't know I needed it. You see she is what I affectionately call "My Little Social Activist". She's out the save the world by herself, she's not the kind of woman who demands a Jaguar, Mercedes, and Gucci. She wants to travel to remote places in the world and rescue the lost. I began to think to myself why is a corporate man like myself who would rather vacation at a 5-star resort with a woman who doesn't mind bathing out of a bucket and sleeping on the floor of a grass hut together? Little did I know that I needed a woman like her to accomplish what I want to do. She's a social worker, and I have a mission to break the back of poverty, to feed thousands, clothe and house thousands...... who better to help me get it done then a social worker. Now we could be business partners only, but I love her too much to just work with her 9-5.
She was made especially for me, I need her. It takes a special woman to love a widower, and to love his son as her own. So if I am given a chance to be with her once again....now that I understand exactly how perfect she is for me I'll cherish her even the more. I thought that I saw her for how wonderful she was before, but now I can see beyond what I could see before. So I stand here holding on, I'll keep you updated.
FYI - To whoever posted that link to Jeremy Camp I appreciate it. Funny thing I have his latest CD 'Carried Me' and I've been listening to it alot lately, I recommend it to anyone.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Steadfast Resolve
My emotions seem to be all over the board today, not uncommon for me given all I've been through. I was talking in my last post about leaving where I live.... I dont' think that's a good course of action. I need to make a stand and not run, I need to be steadfast and hold on. There's the slightest glimmer of hope, so small you cannot see it with the naked eye, that Songstress and I can be married, that we can begin again. God has changed His mind in teh past, God can reconcile and restore us it's not beyond the realm of possibility. If that is the case then I'm holding on to that. Am I a fool to believe that God can bring us together... maybe. Then you can call me a fool to have believed that God could have healed my late wife. I held on with her to the very bitter end. My love for Songstress is no different, I love her as a husband loves a wife and it grows daily. I'm going to have resolve and hold fast in faith and hope. That's all I've got left. The Bible says all it takes is the faith the size of a mustard seed. All I have is a mustard seed size chance, so let me match it with mustard seed size faith.
Considering Changes
I'm back to considering some drastic changes in my life. I know you're not supposed to make life altering decisions after something tragic has happened but right now I need to talk out loud. Losing Songstress has crushed me so deeply. We were going to be married on the 26th of April, almost 3 months away. I still do not have my son home with me, and I won't be seeing him this weekend, not until next. 3 weeks in between visits, 3 weeks too long. it has been almost 4 months since he's been home with me. He left not too long after my late wife went into a coma, that was in late September. I feel like I'm losing my son, and now since I've lost Songstress I have no one to turn to about it. My son is clinging to my parents, especially my dad. They're nearly inseperable, and now I jeopardized giving my son a stable life like he's used to.
I'm considering selling my home and moving away to live where my parents live. I'll miss my church and all my friends but my I'll be near my son. I can give him the life he deserves, one that is stable with both a mother and a father figure. He's been without a mother for so long, he doesn't remember his birth mother at all. He does remember me, I can't tell you the pain I feel when I drive away or watching him leave. I used to call Songstress right afterwards and she's console me, now I have no one again..... all alone. Did things move too fast with Songstress? No.... everyone even our pastor endorsed it, I'm young and given the situation of my wife's passing it allowed me to grieve and move on. It ended because of my foolishness...... and now all I want to do is run away and hide from the world. Will God ever allow us to reconcile together and be married? I don't think so, but I pray about it morning, noon, and night pleading for His mercy, asking for a second chance. Only time will tell....... I don't know where I'll be.
I'm considering selling my home and moving away to live where my parents live. I'll miss my church and all my friends but my I'll be near my son. I can give him the life he deserves, one that is stable with both a mother and a father figure. He's been without a mother for so long, he doesn't remember his birth mother at all. He does remember me, I can't tell you the pain I feel when I drive away or watching him leave. I used to call Songstress right afterwards and she's console me, now I have no one again..... all alone. Did things move too fast with Songstress? No.... everyone even our pastor endorsed it, I'm young and given the situation of my wife's passing it allowed me to grieve and move on. It ended because of my foolishness...... and now all I want to do is run away and hide from the world. Will God ever allow us to reconcile together and be married? I don't think so, but I pray about it morning, noon, and night pleading for His mercy, asking for a second chance. Only time will tell....... I don't know where I'll be.
Grieving All Over Again
I know I said I wouldn't write again, but thigns have changed in my life. I fell in love with Songstress, asked her to marry me, she said yes. Then through my foolishness I lost her..... God took her from me. She did not pass away.... but to me it's like she has. I think about what it was like when my late wife passed, that pain was dull because I was so numb. Recent events have opened my heart to feel for the first time in 15 years. I mean really feel.
Now the pain is great that I don't know if I can bear to stand it. I read her blog..... he posted a song from an artist we used to listen to together. "Lesson Learned" it broke me so that i had to choke back the tears as I write this at work. In 4 months time I have lost two loves..... this last one may even hurt more then the passing of my wife because it was sudden and not prolonged. It is sharp and biting, my heart now feels it all, I'm not callous as I was before. I grieve for my son too, he is losing a mother again and even though he doesn't know it I do. Songstress was goign to adopt him, and love him as her own. I broke her heart with my foolishness, I hurt my son, broke God's heart, and now I am left to pick up the pieces of my life once again....... so soon after I cleaned up the mess. Those shards of glass have found a place to reside..... deep in the recesses of my heart.
Now the pain is great that I don't know if I can bear to stand it. I read her blog..... he posted a song from an artist we used to listen to together. "Lesson Learned" it broke me so that i had to choke back the tears as I write this at work. In 4 months time I have lost two loves..... this last one may even hurt more then the passing of my wife because it was sudden and not prolonged. It is sharp and biting, my heart now feels it all, I'm not callous as I was before. I grieve for my son too, he is losing a mother again and even though he doesn't know it I do. Songstress was goign to adopt him, and love him as her own. I broke her heart with my foolishness, I hurt my son, broke God's heart, and now I am left to pick up the pieces of my life once again....... so soon after I cleaned up the mess. Those shards of glass have found a place to reside..... deep in the recesses of my heart.
Friday, January 4, 2008
It's Been Awhile
It's been awhile since I blogged about my life in detail. I find it odd, but then again it was the holidays lots of hustle and bustle. Things have calmed somewhat as I enter into the new year.
I just had company at my house, Songstress's parents, younger sister, and her boyfriend came up for the day and spent the night. We had a total of 6 of us plus the dog. It was nice to have the house used for it's intended purpose. They are lovely people and I'm going to be very excited about being apart of that family. Songstress and I have a tentative date set, we haven't run it past our pastor yet, but he's already agreed to start counseling. It's a true blessing to have a spiritual leader who knows exactly what I went through, although he never experienced it himself he did have MANY conversations over the last 4 years with both my late wife and I about our struggles. Technically we're not engaged, but we both want to marry each other.
How did things get to this part, well let me tell you. Meeting with my pastor he's brought up several times how I haven't fully grieved my wife's death. On the 30th of Dec I believe I finished the final grieving that I never did. I spent the day after church on my face before God crying out to Him, afterwards I went downstairs and curled up on the couch, I felt as if I was breaking, then the tears came rolling down my face. I haven't cried like that in months, the last time was the week after the funeral. I weeped and wailed, lamenting her passing, when I stopped I felt spent. I attended the New Year's Watchnight service at church, I came rather down and gloomy but being there lifted my spirit, I came into 2008 a new man.
I'm able to look at her pictures and watch the video's that have her and our son in them, no longer do I skip over them, I actually smile when I watch them. When Songstress came over on New Years Day I felt such a deeper love for her. It was as if areas of my heart had been opened off that were once closed. Our lives, from the passions we share, to the work we do are intertwined.
You might ask how is it that just a few short months after the death of a spouse can someone start talking about marriage, allow me to enlighten you to my life. My marriage wasn't normal, over the last 4 years it veered more towards that of a caregiver and patient relationship. Was there love... of course there was, love was never an issue. Being married to a woman who was as sick as she was didn't allow for a normal marriage in an area. This included intimate times, companionship, even conversation. Try 4 years of at least once a day conversation about chemo, cancer, doctor's appointments, hospital stays, medications, etc. Another point is my wife didn't die suddenly, she slowly passed before my eyes over the years, many ups and downs.
I am have a desire to be a husband, and God knows this and has prepared for me a beautiful woman to have as my wife and for that I am both blessed and joyful.
I'm not sure how much I'll write anymore, my journey as a widower is coming to a close, summertime looks like when we'll be getting married. I've used this blog to help me grieve and gather my thoughts, it has helped me immensely, maybe if someone comes across it it'll help them too. If you're a reader of this blog check back periodically as I may update you as to how my life is going. If not, then I bid you a fond farewell, I'm going to start living again....... and 2008 in doing to be a dynamic year!
I just had company at my house, Songstress's parents, younger sister, and her boyfriend came up for the day and spent the night. We had a total of 6 of us plus the dog. It was nice to have the house used for it's intended purpose. They are lovely people and I'm going to be very excited about being apart of that family. Songstress and I have a tentative date set, we haven't run it past our pastor yet, but he's already agreed to start counseling. It's a true blessing to have a spiritual leader who knows exactly what I went through, although he never experienced it himself he did have MANY conversations over the last 4 years with both my late wife and I about our struggles. Technically we're not engaged, but we both want to marry each other.
How did things get to this part, well let me tell you. Meeting with my pastor he's brought up several times how I haven't fully grieved my wife's death. On the 30th of Dec I believe I finished the final grieving that I never did. I spent the day after church on my face before God crying out to Him, afterwards I went downstairs and curled up on the couch, I felt as if I was breaking, then the tears came rolling down my face. I haven't cried like that in months, the last time was the week after the funeral. I weeped and wailed, lamenting her passing, when I stopped I felt spent. I attended the New Year's Watchnight service at church, I came rather down and gloomy but being there lifted my spirit, I came into 2008 a new man.
I'm able to look at her pictures and watch the video's that have her and our son in them, no longer do I skip over them, I actually smile when I watch them. When Songstress came over on New Years Day I felt such a deeper love for her. It was as if areas of my heart had been opened off that were once closed. Our lives, from the passions we share, to the work we do are intertwined.
You might ask how is it that just a few short months after the death of a spouse can someone start talking about marriage, allow me to enlighten you to my life. My marriage wasn't normal, over the last 4 years it veered more towards that of a caregiver and patient relationship. Was there love... of course there was, love was never an issue. Being married to a woman who was as sick as she was didn't allow for a normal marriage in an area. This included intimate times, companionship, even conversation. Try 4 years of at least once a day conversation about chemo, cancer, doctor's appointments, hospital stays, medications, etc. Another point is my wife didn't die suddenly, she slowly passed before my eyes over the years, many ups and downs.
I am have a desire to be a husband, and God knows this and has prepared for me a beautiful woman to have as my wife and for that I am both blessed and joyful.
I'm not sure how much I'll write anymore, my journey as a widower is coming to a close, summertime looks like when we'll be getting married. I've used this blog to help me grieve and gather my thoughts, it has helped me immensely, maybe if someone comes across it it'll help them too. If you're a reader of this blog check back periodically as I may update you as to how my life is going. If not, then I bid you a fond farewell, I'm going to start living again....... and 2008 in doing to be a dynamic year!
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