What is running through my mind

I didn't feel like writing yesterday, hence no post. I only like to write when I'm inspired to do so, otherwise you get absolute garbage, it's forced and not natural. Now you may say "YW, most of what you write is drivel" to you I say I find another blog to read!

I met with my Pastor on Wednesday and he dropped a bomb on me that after about 5 seconds of thinking about it I realized was 100% the truth. I haven't finished grieving my late wife. She's still there, and I haven't fully processed everything and filed it away. I thought I was doing great, I didn't break down in tears, I didn't wail uncontrollably, heck I even shower and bath on a daily basis. I have been eating, shaving, and making it to work but I haven't fully grieved the loss of my spouse, in part because I fail to know how to properly grieve.

Today marks the two month anniversary of her passing. I have noted before that I believe she passed in early October, and that all I did was keep her body going via a breathing machine and blood pressure medications, her spirit had already ascended I just didn't want to acknowledge it. Actually I was holding out hope, waiting for that one glimmer of possibility that she'd pull through that I could use to justify keeping her body going, nothing wrong with that. I was being a husband, standing by her side to the very end.

Now it begins a process for me, taking a mental inventory and allowing myself to let go and feel the pain and loss. I'm a bit scared because I worried that maybe, just maybe I might not come out of it. That if I dwell on her loss too much, I'll stay there instead of doing what I want to do, and that's move on and live. I don't think that'll happen, I've grown too much over the last 4 years to allow myself to slip into some pseudo-depression, I have too much life in me, too much to offer to others. I'm looking forward to cleaning house and filing everything away so that things are tidy for the new life coming my way.

Am I sorrowful today? No.... I'm reflective. I was reflecting this morning on my way to work. Tears nearly welled up in my eyes, but nothing fell. It wasn't because I stopped them and held them back, it was because thoughts of her turned to joy. I'm going to go through her clothes this weekend. Boxing up everything and giving it away. I'm going to slowly take every article of clothing and try and tie a memory to it, then process that memory and put it in it's place. I'm not sure what to do about all the photos and knick-knacks. I want to keep them in the house because of my son, but at the same time I think is that disrespectful to whoever I'm going to marry? I want to hang photos of her in my son's room, and my late wife's mother is painting a picture of her and my son from a photo that was taken that I want hung in his room, but will she mind those things being up? She'll go into his room and she all of this stuff, I don't want her to think that she's second place, but I believe my son should be able to partake in those memories of his birth mother..... I wish there was a rule book on this. To those that read this blog, or come across it let me know what you think. Drop a comment and give me your opinion, I'd like to hear what you have to say.