Steadfast Resolve

My emotions seem to be all over the board today, not uncommon for me given all I've been through. I was talking in my last post about leaving where I live.... I dont' think that's a good course of action. I need to make a stand and not run, I need to be steadfast and hold on. There's the slightest glimmer of hope, so small you cannot see it with the naked eye, that Songstress and I can be married, that we can begin again. God has changed His mind in teh past, God can reconcile and restore us it's not beyond the realm of possibility. If that is the case then I'm holding on to that. Am I a fool to believe that God can bring us together... maybe. Then you can call me a fool to have believed that God could have healed my late wife. I held on with her to the very bitter end. My love for Songstress is no different, I love her as a husband loves a wife and it grows daily. I'm going to have resolve and hold fast in faith and hope. That's all I've got left. The Bible says all it takes is the faith the size of a mustard seed. All I have is a mustard seed size chance, so let me match it with mustard seed size faith.

Considering Changes

I'm back to considering some drastic changes in my life. I know you're not supposed to make life altering decisions after something tragic has happened but right now I need to talk out loud. Losing Songstress has crushed me so deeply. We were going to be married on the 26th of April, almost 3 months away. I still do not have my son home with me, and I won't be seeing him this weekend, not until next. 3 weeks in between visits, 3 weeks too long. it has been almost 4 months since he's been home with me. He left not too long after my late wife went into a coma, that was in late September. I feel like I'm losing my son, and now since I've lost Songstress I have no one to turn to about it. My son is clinging to my parents, especially my dad. They're nearly inseperable, and now I jeopardized giving my son a stable life like he's used to.

I'm considering selling my home and moving away to live where my parents live. I'll miss my church and all my friends but my I'll be near my son. I can give him the life he deserves, one that is stable with both a mother and a father figure. He's been without a mother for so long, he doesn't remember his birth mother at all. He does remember me, I can't tell you the pain I feel when I drive away or watching him leave. I used to call Songstress right afterwards and she's console me, now I have no one again..... all alone. Did things move too fast with Songstress? No.... everyone even our pastor endorsed it, I'm young and given the situation of my wife's passing it allowed me to grieve and move on. It ended because of my foolishness...... and now all I want to do is run away and hide from the world. Will God ever allow us to reconcile together and be married? I don't think so, but I pray about it morning, noon, and night pleading for His mercy, asking for a second chance. Only time will tell....... I don't know where I'll be.

Grieving All Over Again

I know I said I wouldn't write again, but thigns have changed in my life. I fell in love with Songstress, asked her to marry me, she said yes. Then through my foolishness I lost her..... God took her from me. She did not pass away.... but to me it's like she has. I think about what it was like when my late wife passed, that pain was dull because I was so numb. Recent events have opened my heart to feel for the first time in 15 years. I mean really feel.

Now the pain is great that I don't know if I can bear to stand it. I read her blog..... he posted a song from an artist we used to listen to together. "Lesson Learned" it broke me so that i had to choke back the tears as I write this at work. In 4 months time I have lost two loves..... this last one may even hurt more then the passing of my wife because it was sudden and not prolonged. It is sharp and biting, my heart now feels it all, I'm not callous as I was before. I grieve for my son too, he is losing a mother again and even though he doesn't know it I do. Songstress was goign to adopt him, and love him as her own. I broke her heart with my foolishness, I hurt my son, broke God's heart, and now I am left to pick up the pieces of my life once again....... so soon after I cleaned up the mess. Those shards of glass have found a place to reside..... deep in the recesses of my heart.