It's 3:30pm and I have done an entire hours worth of work today. I don't even know why I try. I'm glad tomrorow is Thanksgiving, it's going to allow me to catch up on chores, some reading, maybe a little writing and work before I head over the my mother-in-laws (still haven't gotten a ruling on that) for food that will surely stretch my stomach's ability to remain in one piece.
My mind has been scattered today. I've been in different time zones, different eras, different places. My lack of focus is really cutting into my ability to plan and work. I was so distracted today even from the time I woke up that I forgot to put on my watch, I feel naked without the ability to tell time at a moments notice. I have checked multiple times today and yes I did put on pants this morning everyone can relax.
This weekend should be enjoyable that is of course except for the driving, especially Sunday when everyone and their mother is going to be on the road. Luckily it's only a 5 hour drive. The food should be half-way decent. My wife isn't cooking this year obviously so a stellar turkey and fixins might not be what I get. My folks are decent in the kitchen but no one hold's a candle to the family chef (my former wife). She could throw it down in kitchen, and I threw it down at the table, then I threw down my pants because they didn't fit anymore.
I won't post again until Friday when I'm at work, most likely by myself. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about my first holiday without my spouse. Christmas is the one I dread, that was her favorite. 34 days and counting...... but I'll take that bump when it gets here.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Reaching Out
I am accomplishing nothing today. I have spent most of my morning reading the blog of "A Young Widower" it's helping me sort a few things out for myself.
I used to be a real loner, hated spending time with people, didn't like to share my life. Alot has changed over the past 20 years for me, I'm a different man, a new man. I realize that it's impossible to go through this life and not share it. If you're not sharing your life then you must not be living one at all. This man who wrote the blog I read is sharing his life with the world, and years after he wrote this it's still helping people cope, deal, and relate.
I like sharing my life, because I like living.
I think about what I'm doing with my life, when I die what will men say about me? My wife's funeral was packed with people, we nearly filled the entire church, front to back, top to bottom. It was on a Thursday morning/afternoon I was surprised at how many came. She was buried 30 min away from our church at a cemetary where we lived. The funeral procession was quite long, cars kept filing into the cemetary. She left a great legacy and touched the lives of so many people. If I died today, what kind of legacy would I leave behind?
I like to write, my writing skills lack form, composition, and a clear narrative but none the less I enjoy writing. I like to make an attempt at capturing a readers imagination, entering their world, painting a picture on a blank canvas and touching the soul. I've always wanted to be a creative person, have some form of creative skill whether it was writing, music, art.... something. I have two book ideas, one about building companies, another about my wife's life. I have several children's books too that I have outlined and begun writing. A goal of mine is to launch a small independent children's book publishing company... it's called MonkeyBoy Books...... in honor of my son and his fascination with books.
I want to leave a legacy of greatness and excellence, to be remembered and impact the lives of many.
I used to be a real loner, hated spending time with people, didn't like to share my life. Alot has changed over the past 20 years for me, I'm a different man, a new man. I realize that it's impossible to go through this life and not share it. If you're not sharing your life then you must not be living one at all. This man who wrote the blog I read is sharing his life with the world, and years after he wrote this it's still helping people cope, deal, and relate.
I like sharing my life, because I like living.
I think about what I'm doing with my life, when I die what will men say about me? My wife's funeral was packed with people, we nearly filled the entire church, front to back, top to bottom. It was on a Thursday morning/afternoon I was surprised at how many came. She was buried 30 min away from our church at a cemetary where we lived. The funeral procession was quite long, cars kept filing into the cemetary. She left a great legacy and touched the lives of so many people. If I died today, what kind of legacy would I leave behind?
I like to write, my writing skills lack form, composition, and a clear narrative but none the less I enjoy writing. I like to make an attempt at capturing a readers imagination, entering their world, painting a picture on a blank canvas and touching the soul. I've always wanted to be a creative person, have some form of creative skill whether it was writing, music, art.... something. I have two book ideas, one about building companies, another about my wife's life. I have several children's books too that I have outlined and begun writing. A goal of mine is to launch a small independent children's book publishing company... it's called MonkeyBoy Books...... in honor of my son and his fascination with books.
I want to leave a legacy of greatness and excellence, to be remembered and impact the lives of many.
On a lighter note
I think I should post at least once with a lighter tone so you all don't think I'm such a dreary person. I share an office with another person. It just so happens this person is a female, and quite frankly she's annoying to the point I'd like to slap her.
Nearly every day her and her boyfriend talk and get into some playful argument about something completely irrelevant to life. Of course this happens when I'm in the room and can't find a sharp thin object to burst my eardrums with. So she constantly rambles on and on and on without regard for her fellow man.
God must have heard my prayers, or wanted to spare this young woman's life because she's not here today. Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's that sound? That's right it's the sound of silence baby! Stupidity is taking a break today and I can just enjoy hopefully some peace and quiet.
Work load should be light today, given the fact that everyone is either leaving or has left for the holidays. I'm going over to my former/current (I'm going to need a ruling on this one) mother-in-laws house for Turkey Day. She's makes Calico Beans for me every year, and I devour them it's great stuff. She's also getting a cherry pie (MY FAVORITE) and cherry cheesecake (WOOO HOOO). I will be brining myself, a pair of stretch pants, and a crane so I can be removed from the house. I think they're trying to fatten me up to keep me unattractive to the opposite sex.
I was watching comedian Bill Engvall talk about how men and women communicate. His story was his buddy and him were at the gym, buddy told him he was getting divorced. Women would have consoled and asked loads of questions about their feelings etc. Engvall responded with "Better work on your abs, you'll be dating again." Sometimes I think I might want to take his advice. I can only allow my waistline to grow so large (ever seen the movie "The Blob"? After being married 6 years and eating my wife's cooking and baking I could swear it's the same size, shape, and consistency.) I'd better get out my "meat pants".
Nearly every day her and her boyfriend talk and get into some playful argument about something completely irrelevant to life. Of course this happens when I'm in the room and can't find a sharp thin object to burst my eardrums with. So she constantly rambles on and on and on without regard for her fellow man.
God must have heard my prayers, or wanted to spare this young woman's life because she's not here today. Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's that sound? That's right it's the sound of silence baby! Stupidity is taking a break today and I can just enjoy hopefully some peace and quiet.
Work load should be light today, given the fact that everyone is either leaving or has left for the holidays. I'm going over to my former/current (I'm going to need a ruling on this one) mother-in-laws house for Turkey Day. She's makes Calico Beans for me every year, and I devour them it's great stuff. She's also getting a cherry pie (MY FAVORITE) and cherry cheesecake (WOOO HOOO). I will be brining myself, a pair of stretch pants, and a crane so I can be removed from the house. I think they're trying to fatten me up to keep me unattractive to the opposite sex.
I was watching comedian Bill Engvall talk about how men and women communicate. His story was his buddy and him were at the gym, buddy told him he was getting divorced. Women would have consoled and asked loads of questions about their feelings etc. Engvall responded with "Better work on your abs, you'll be dating again." Sometimes I think I might want to take his advice. I can only allow my waistline to grow so large (ever seen the movie "The Blob"? After being married 6 years and eating my wife's cooking and baking I could swear it's the same size, shape, and consistency.) I'd better get out my "meat pants".
Wrestling with daily heartache
When I got to work this morning I checked my personal e-mail to find my daily message from my mother. She's been sending me scripture verses to help encourage me, and letting me know my son is doing ok. My son........ the source of my heartache.
You see my son has been lviing with my parents since September. My former wife was a stay-at-home mom, I retired her from working so she could focus on me and my son. She said it was the best job she's ever had. We never put him into daycare, didn't want him there at all. When she went into the hospital I needed a caretaker, so I let him go with my parents while I waited by my wife's side. He's been gone since mid-September, and tomorrow's Thanksgiving many days I wonder if I'll ever bring him home.
I was reading the blog of the young widower who's stories have helped me realize I'm not an island unto myself. He wrote of a dream he had that family services came to take away his daughter, so he hid her and she died. I don't have those dreams, but I do have those thoughts. That someone will think I'm an unfit father, that without a woman around 24/7 I can't be allowed to raise a child on my own.
Every day he is away is another day closer I am to death, and one less day I will have with him. I can never relive yesterday.... he's another day older and I missed out on it. I know he is cared for, loved, and spoiled but nothing on this earth can replace the love of a father. No one will ever look at him like I do, no one can imagine who he will become like I do. I see him through the years in my mind, watching every discovery and development. I see the man he is to become, and it breaks my heart that I can't experience the boy that he is today.
You see my son has been lviing with my parents since September. My former wife was a stay-at-home mom, I retired her from working so she could focus on me and my son. She said it was the best job she's ever had. We never put him into daycare, didn't want him there at all. When she went into the hospital I needed a caretaker, so I let him go with my parents while I waited by my wife's side. He's been gone since mid-September, and tomorrow's Thanksgiving many days I wonder if I'll ever bring him home.
I was reading the blog of the young widower who's stories have helped me realize I'm not an island unto myself. He wrote of a dream he had that family services came to take away his daughter, so he hid her and she died. I don't have those dreams, but I do have those thoughts. That someone will think I'm an unfit father, that without a woman around 24/7 I can't be allowed to raise a child on my own.
Every day he is away is another day closer I am to death, and one less day I will have with him. I can never relive yesterday.... he's another day older and I missed out on it. I know he is cared for, loved, and spoiled but nothing on this earth can replace the love of a father. No one will ever look at him like I do, no one can imagine who he will become like I do. I see him through the years in my mind, watching every discovery and development. I see the man he is to become, and it breaks my heart that I can't experience the boy that he is today.
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