I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family tonight, and my brother's girlfriend joined us. This got me thinking........ will I ever be in that situation again? I know it may seem odd at this time to be thinking about that, but my mind has been going down that road lately. Eventually I'm going to be open to dating again, and I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, but what are the chances of finding someone who is going to fulfill me and make me happy the rest of my natural life?
I never thought I'd be in this position, ever. I wasn't supposed to be, I got married and for me it was going to be until death do us part........ and it was sooner then I thought. See my wife and I had this arrangement, I was to die first because I couldn't be alone by myself I lacked the skill set to do so. I had become so dependent upon her for everything, I would be completely lost without her. Harvard did a study that said men feel as if they've been "dismembered" when their spouse passes. They can function, just not as well.
I feel dismembered, but I'd like to not feel that way all my life. Do I need a woman to make me happy? No, absolutely not. Having a wife is a privilege, they are to be cherished, loved, cared for, and adored. I'd like to have that type of intimacy and relationship again one day. Finding it in this world is a bit difficult. Especially when you have no clue how to meet people.
I'm not a drinker so bar's are out (bad idea anyways), I've done the online thing (that's how my wife and I met) but I don't want to try that again. I go to church a lot (I'm a Deacon) but church isn't a meat market I'm not there to meet women, I'm there to serve God.
I wonder when I'll be ready...... I wonder what the rest of my life will be like. Will I live alone, or will I find love again? I would prefer the later. You may wonder why I'm talking about this now. Well, my spouse was sick for 4 years, and she didn't have the strength to be the wife I needed her to be. She did her best, and always tried to be who I needed. She put herself out there many times, too far then she should have probably. There were many times where I was a caretaker and not a husband because she couldn't receive me as a husband. I've wonder what it would be like to be married to a healthy woman at the maturity I am now. I guess we'll see what happens in the months and years to come.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Why My Life is So Good
I arrived at my folks last night in enough time to play with my son. I had the best time! He's so big now, and he's changed so much in the last two weeks. It really breaks my heart that I've missed all this time and the new things he's doing I haven't been able to experience. For instance he's putting his "silky" (blanket) around his shoulders like he's SuperBoy. He says "book" "ish" (fish), and "duck" I've only heard "duck" and that was this morning. Speaking of which let me tell you about this morning.
A really good friend of mine texted me last night at around 11:30pm (this is a good enough friend to get away with that) well it happened to have woken my son up since we're staying in the same room. Being the dad that I am, I grabbed him out of his bed and brought him into mine. I knew that I wouldn't get great sleep because my son is a mover and shaker. Sure enough he didn't disappoint, he moved me over to the edge of the bed before I got fed up and about 5 am moved him over to his original side. I heard him shifting this morning and decided to let him be just in case he'd conk out again. He got quiet so I decided to open my eyes and see what he was up to. When I opened my eyes I saw one of the greatest things a man could ever see. Here he was resting his head on the pillow, staring back at me. If it wasn't such a beautiful sight, I would have wept.
I haven't shared my bed with anyone since my wife went into the hospital. Last night was the first time in over two months that I've slept in the same bed as another person. Prior to that the best experience waking up was to my wife. Her back to me, I would wake up and wrap my arms around her waist pulling her close to me and then bury me face in her hair. This morning I woke up to his big blue eyes..... he got them from his mother. His little nose (my contribution) and his short cut hair with a big cowlick in the middle (not sure where that came from).
It's moments like those that make everything worthwhile. It was so brief a moment that I wouldn't have had time to capture it with anything but my memory. I love being a father...... I don't think outside of a husband there is a greater position I could ever occupy. So I want to give a BIG THANK YOU, to the friend who texted messaged me late last night, without that I would have never had the morning I did.
FYI - I suggested everyone get the song "No One" by Alicia Keys, and if you don't like her style and music I think you have a screw loose. She's a tremendous artist.
Breakfast is ready and I might weigh in on more of how I feel later on when my boy is asleep. Until then enjoy your day...... I'm loving mine!
A really good friend of mine texted me last night at around 11:30pm (this is a good enough friend to get away with that) well it happened to have woken my son up since we're staying in the same room. Being the dad that I am, I grabbed him out of his bed and brought him into mine. I knew that I wouldn't get great sleep because my son is a mover and shaker. Sure enough he didn't disappoint, he moved me over to the edge of the bed before I got fed up and about 5 am moved him over to his original side. I heard him shifting this morning and decided to let him be just in case he'd conk out again. He got quiet so I decided to open my eyes and see what he was up to. When I opened my eyes I saw one of the greatest things a man could ever see. Here he was resting his head on the pillow, staring back at me. If it wasn't such a beautiful sight, I would have wept.
I haven't shared my bed with anyone since my wife went into the hospital. Last night was the first time in over two months that I've slept in the same bed as another person. Prior to that the best experience waking up was to my wife. Her back to me, I would wake up and wrap my arms around her waist pulling her close to me and then bury me face in her hair. This morning I woke up to his big blue eyes..... he got them from his mother. His little nose (my contribution) and his short cut hair with a big cowlick in the middle (not sure where that came from).
It's moments like those that make everything worthwhile. It was so brief a moment that I wouldn't have had time to capture it with anything but my memory. I love being a father...... I don't think outside of a husband there is a greater position I could ever occupy. So I want to give a BIG THANK YOU, to the friend who texted messaged me late last night, without that I would have never had the morning I did.
FYI - I suggested everyone get the song "No One" by Alicia Keys, and if you don't like her style and music I think you have a screw loose. She's a tremendous artist.
Breakfast is ready and I might weigh in on more of how I feel later on when my boy is asleep. Until then enjoy your day...... I'm loving mine!
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