Why I do this

My first posts told a bit about why I blog, but why do it for all teh world to see? Well because the resources and materials available for men like me completely suck eggs. Being a widower and single father at my age is a very rare cirsumstance.

I write because I don't want people to be my dumping ground, a friend of mine told me that quite emphatically. They'd be their support and listen, but to get the full brunt of my emotional wave wasn't fair to them. The blog I read helped me to realize that I'm not alone, and that I'm not crazy. Sometimes you think you are because you do stuff that gets most people a clean new white jacket that allows them to get a hug from their own arms 24 hr a day. Things like talking to myself, or having conversations with people that aren't there but continuing on as if they are. Taking multiple "mental vacations" and forgetting where you're going, saying, and/or doing at moment in time. Staring into space for min on end and avoiding sleep because you don't know what you'll dream. I've done it all..... experienced it all it seems, and new craziness comes up every so often.

It's important to know you're "normal" and belong. Grief seems to destroy the very fiber of ones being, so being able to read someone else's experience, recovery, and in the end the victory helps those still going through or facing the impending trial. So why allow the world to share with me? Because there might be one man out there going through, who feels as if he's alone, pal ..... you're not alone, and you're not crazy either!

So Far So Good

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I managed to make it through. Actually I didn't just manage I actually blew it's doors off. I didn't shed a single tear, I almost did though when I called my parents to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving (I'm headed out there today) and they put my son on the phone, and before I could say 'hello' he hung up on me! Talk about a blow to the Daddy Ego!

I'm having some well let's just say "interesting" developments in my life..... none of which I want to share with anyone right now. Check back in a few weeks or months and I'll elobarate on them.

As I stated I am heading out to my parents for Thanksgiving today after work (the company believes that it's workers only need 6 paid holidays a year). I have been missing my boy ever since I strapped him into my parents car and watched them drive off nearly 2 weeks ago.

I'm heading into what might be the hardest 2 months of being a widower. Christmas and my wife's birthday. I'm not worried about Valentine's Day because everyday she was my valentine. Christmas though was her holiday, she'd bake and cook, decorate and sing all day long. The tree would be out by now and the decorations brought up from the basement, about 3-4 storage tubs worth. That is unless we decide on a real tree. There's a tree farm about 5 miles from our home that we would go to every year. Hot apple cider, honey sticks, and an ornament every year is what we'd get in addition to the tree. They'd take your picture with it and the next year when you came back for your tree they'd give you the picture from the previous year. They display them all in there retail store on the property. It was a tradition that I enjoyed (I'm not a Christmas fan, it's lost it's meaning, become too commercial and I have some not-so-fond memories from my youth).

So what will this widower be doing for Christmas? Probably visiting the grave of his deceased spouse, making hot cocoa, sitting in front of the fireplace and watch movies all day. You see my company is so wonderful (see above) that I have to work the 24th and 26th. So I'll be at my folks the weekend before Christmas to celebrate. I'll watch the live-action version of 'The Grinch" (only holiday movie I care for) and then maybe a marathon of my guy movies!

2 weeks after Christmas is my wife's birthday.... she would have been 30 and this year we were going to have a blow-out bash. It's on a Tuesday, so I'll be at work and it'll help distract.

One good piece of news, I think I'm going to bring back my dog this weekend. I miss her, I could use some company around the house. She's BIG, hairy, and warm. I stick my feet under her when I'm cold and she's does a great job of insulating! She was a birthday gift from my wife when we rented our first house. I trained her myself and she's the most well-behaved 80 lb+ dog I've ever known.

I'm sure I'll weigh in on my weekend when I get back, until then enjoy your weekend and those left-over turkey sandwiches!