On Days Like Today

I woke up this morning to a cloudy, well overcast, rainy and dreary morning. This is the type of morning where you slowly crawl yourself out of bed to begin your day. You're not in a rush to go anywhere, the day takes a slower pace. The kind of morning where you head down stairs, grab a hot cup of green/herbal tea, sweeten it with some locally produced honey, and in my case watch the rain drops disturb the pond out back. Unfortunately my morning was rushed because I slept in on purpose, and needed to get my behind out the door and on to the job.

I frequent a young widow/ers forum, and came across a post that I found interesting. It dealt with the widow/ers who had what they called "skin hunger". It need for sex and in some cases just the sensation of another human beings body next to theirs. On days like today my "skin hunger" increased in appetite. These are the days when you call in with a mystery "illness" roll over next to the man/woman you deeply love, pull them closer into you, and try to withstanding the radiating heat pulsating from their body. Where you enjoy that hot cup of tea together, and spend the day wrapped in their embrace. Taking frequent trips to the bedroom to engage in treatments for that mystery 'Illness'!!!

I know that I will never again experience that sensation, that feeling with The Mamas anymore, so now my desire turns to that of a woman. To have someones skin next to mine, the feel of my arms around her waist as we let the day slip by under the protection of the blankets. The soft skin on her neck and shoulders, the smell of her hair. I apologize if this seems 'R' rated, but on days like today my mind drifts to how I feel it was intended to be spent. Heading to the porch to sit on a bench listening to the rain drops create a symphony on every exposed surface, the cool of the air, the smell ..... so refreshing.

It is on days like today that I shouldn't be at work, I should be home soaking in the one I love and desire. But alas....... those days will have to wait.

A New Perspective

Last week I met with my Pastor as I usually do every Wednesday. He gave me a book called 'The On-Purpose Person', he recommended I read it and follow it as it should help my need to find purpose. The more I read of the book the more I thought to myself.... "I have to first find my purpose to define whether I'm on-purpose or off-purpose". I don't think I've ever figured that out. In my early twenties I didn't have much desire to have direction in my life. I had just gotten out of the Air Force, moved to a new state and started a new job. I was making good money, living in a one bedroom apartment, and things seemed okay. Granted the work I was doing didn't thrill me, and I was lonely but I had been worse off prior, this was a chance at a new start. Shortly after moving here I met my late wife (I'm going to call her "The Mamas" from now on) we married 11 months after meeting. I started college, taking a pre-algebra class over the summer to brush up my math skills and to test the college waters. I went to community college which helped the transition with the goal of getting a Bachelor's. Not much time passed before I lost my job, and The Mamas got sick. My focus shifted to helping her recover, I didn't finish my degree, but my life was consumed by cancer. It dictated where we went, what we did, and what didn't do. My life lost all sense of direction and purpose, or rather my purpose was redefined to being a husband of a cancer patient and eventually a father.

Now I find myself free of the cancer demon, and unfortunately free of my son for the time being. My wife has passed and I am now lost. Directionless, floating in a infinite ocean of possibility yet so overwhelmed I cannot even put the oars in the water to row myself in a direction. In my mind all I need is a new job, paying more money. Something that when I wake up in the morning I'm not dreading to go to. I'm fulfilled in my career, I am challenged, and I am growing. If I have this then I can bring my son home, and stop a lot of the personal anguish I have when I go home. However I don't feel as if this is all that needs to happen, there has to be more.

I find myself very tired, run down, and worn out. I haven't had a vacation in 5 years however taking a vacation seems to be irresponsible given my situation. So as I read this book I'm going to try and gain a new perspective on life. I'm going to attempt to become more on-purpose and figure out my purpose. I wonder however what will become of my life as I do this. What will I have to get rid of, or whom?

Mind Tricks & Thunderstorms

I find it amazing as to how powerful your mind can be. My mind played a great many tricks on me this morning, and it had a tremendous affect on my whole body. Last night I had a dream about my late wife, I dreamt of her for the first time in months. In the dream I remember meeting her and saying to her "You're alive". I can't remember anything else we did in the dream, anything after that seemed insignificant. I woke up fully expecting her to be laying beside me in bed. Reality then sat in as she wasn't there. My dream convinced me so much that I believed my reality had changed. I dreamt that the house I grew up in had totally been changed and it upset me even though I haven't lived there in well over a decade. I woke up from this dream breathing heavy as if I had just experienced a nightmare. I woke up jittery, like I had sucked down a whole pot of espresso. The mind is so powerful, that is affected everything about me, and it did so when I was most vulnerable.

Last night wasn't all bad. Songstress came over to help me with my bad back. I took my son to the children's museum this weekend, and I failed to stretch. I'm not in toddler shape and I didn't take this into account as I climbed through all the caves and tunnels and played hard with my son. She helped to relieve the pain I was feeling and I can say I'm more mobile now. Last night we experienced a fantastic thunderstorm. I'm a big fan of watching thunderstorms, something about them fascinates me. So I sat on my porch and listened to the thunder crash, watched bolts of lightning illuminate the sky, and listened to the downpour of giants raindrops smashing against everything. I love the smell of rain, feeling the temperature drop ten degrees as the black ominous clouds roll into blotting out the sun and unleashing its furry upon all below it. Something about that time makes me feel at peace. Maybe it's knowing that during thunderstorms like that being next to the one you love curled up together in a loving embrace experiencing and commenting on the unfolding of such an awesome array of nature is time well spent. Possibly it's feeling the security of feeling that touch, the comfort that it brings, that even though the storms of life roll through life there is someone to cling to in times of calamity. Such a peace it brings, the calm before and after the storm.

Today Is Another Day

After going through the roughest two weeks I've experienced in a long while I never thought I'd look forward to Monday, but I was. This is the start of a new week, a chance to get back the lost time and to get my life started on the right track. However on the day when I want to get everything started fresh, something always comes up.
I spent a wonderful weekend with my son playing how father's and son should play. Went to the children's museum and played for 4 hours crawling and running, climbing and looking. Everything is interactive so nothing is off limits. We enjoyed ourselves and the fun didn't stop there. We rough-housed all weekend long, playing in the yard and at the playground. As much fun as this was, there are consequences when you're not in toddler shape. I woke up this morning with my back locked up and wondering if I was every going to move again. A nice hot shower and multiple aspirins later I'm moving around although it's at the pace where me and Grandpa would be neck-and-neck in a race to the buffet line at The Old Country Buffet, but hey it's movement.

I'm looking forward to the coming months. The spring always makes for a great time of year to be active which I desperately need. I'm looking forward to slowly investing in my life and making the most of all that I have. With every morning comes a new challenge, every morning is a new fight, but every morning is a new opportunity to discover and a new obstacle to overcome.

Making a Decision

This will be the second post today... something I want to get off my chest before the weekend. For the last 6 months I've struggled in my decision making, something I've never done before. I've always been strong in decision making, even if it's the wrong one. Once I chose something I stick with it, good or bad I don't like turning back on it. For the last 6 months I've wavered about where I'm going to be. There are 4 places in my mind, two are fleeting choices, weak in comparison of the other two. Denver and San Diego both are places I'd love to live, but I probably wouldn't move there. Where I am now, and Madison are the two front runners. I met with my Pastor on Wednesday, something I've been doing just about every week for the last 5-6 months. He's my mentor, tells me like it is yet allows me to discover things on my own. he's been watching me go through changes, watching me fight the grieving process. Now I'm letting it all out and it's brought me to a crucial junction. Do I stay, or do I go. I won't get into the logistics, but needless to say I've decided to stay. My Pastor told me that I need to stop running from grieving, stop running from the memories of my wife, I need to learn to embrace them and honor them, and so I shall. I told you about the Iris' (FYI not coming until August/September...... I wish I had known that earlier!!!!) there are a few other things I need to do. First thing is to add a few more pictures in the home. One's of the three of us, her and my son, and those of her work. Songstress called me the other day and told me of a great idea. a friend of hers made a quilt out of someones old clothing, a way to remember that person. She thought my son might like that. You see while in the hospital undergoing her bone marrow transplant my wife received a quilt of silk screened pictures of our son, it was hung up on the wall so she could see it everyday. I think I'm going to memorialize her in that way too. It's time to honor my wife's memory, her legacy, her life. It's time for me to make some decisions about mine. I joke with Songstress all the time about decisions, I say in a joking manner that we're going to do something because ".... I'm a man, and when I make decisions things happen!" It's time for things to happen in my life, it's time to embrace all that was and is my wife; to grieve my loss and to honor her life. The flowers in the front lawn, the photos of her, and her work that she was most proud of as am I all of these things remind me of her...... and that's just fine with me.

I Hate Waiting

I've never been a patient man, a real flaw I have. I want to enjoy things, and to enjoy them now. On Monday the 14th marked the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing. On that day Songstress sent me a e-mail about a sale going on at a nursery. I'm not much of a gardener, last year my mother planted Roma tomatoes for me (my favorite kind) and I forgot to take care of them, the plants scorched, and the yield wasn't as much as it could have been. In front of my house there is an area covered in wood chips that could be used for planting flowers. Last year my mother took the opportunity to plant flowers there for us, I couldn't care otherwise.

I decided to take a look at this sale, it was buy one for regular price, get a second for a penny so I thought why not. I ended up ordering some flowers and they haven't shipped yet, my patience does have a limit! The flowers I chose have some special meaning to me, even though I'm not a plant guy there are certain flowers that have great meaning to me. I ordered two types of Columbine because it reminds me of my time in Colorado, hiking through mountain valleys covered in wild flowers, Columbine's sprinkled in. I also ordered Lady's Mantle, the name echoed in my heart, that's what Songstress is going to do in a way. Take up the mantle of my deceased wife as my wife one day, and mother to my son. It's heavy mantle to carry, it makes me think of Elijah and Elisha, read II King 2 if you need a refresher. I ordered a few other pretty flowers and that was it.

Another flower I love is lilac. Every year just about I send a bouquet of it to my mother for Mother's Day (which is coming up! Hope I don't forget!) She loves them, the color and the smell. I love the smell, here in Minnesota they bloom in about mid-May. I like to roll down the window as I drive and take in the aroma. It's intoxicating, almost so that I forget that I'm driving, need to focus on the road. There may not be a more heavenly scent in all the earth.

Tulips are hands down my favorite flower, they were the favorite of my wife as well. Last year my mother attended the Tulip Festival in Holland, Michigan, something we did when I was a child living in Ohio. While there she picked up some bulbs specifically for us, she planted them last year in the area in front of our home. They lie underneath the ground, dormant waiting for Spring to awaken them, when they burst forth and bloom they'll line the walkway leading to the front doors. It'll make a fine welcome for any and all visitors. I'm trying to wait patiently for them, it's quite a good lesson.

Today is received an e-mail from the slow-as-a-snail nursery that I ordered my Columbine from. As I was about to delete it I noticed the heading, "Sale on Iris'".... the Iris..... the memories those hold for me. Before I knew my wife she was in a car accident, they settled and she got some money. She took some of it and bought a nice camera and some equipment. She took a photography class in high school and loved it, now she had a nice camera of her own. When we first started dating and wanted something to do together I took up photography too as a hobby. We'd hike up north and go on photo expeditions. I prefer wildlife, she macro (up close). She excelled at taking photos of flowers. I remember taking her with me to picnic with my parents on the 4th of July one year. She took her camera with her, my parents thought her slightly different. I immediately knew why, she was laying on the ground on her stomach in front of a dead dandelion, camera in hand taking pictures. I chuckled, that's how she was, she found beauty in things most people overlooked. While on a hike my father pointed out many different "photo" quality pictures for her to take! We slowed down the pace so she could do her thing, they were welcoming her in. Years later photos we took on that trip and other still hang in my parents home. Some from her, some from me. One day while walking near her parents home we came upon a small pond, this pond was surrounded by wild Iris' a perfect opportunity for her to work. She captured those flowers and other Iris' over the years. They posed for her, opened themselves up just so she could capture their beauty. Those photos hang in my home as they have hung in our home over the last 6 years. I immediately purchased the Iris' on sale, and I can't wait to get them home.

The flower garden in the front lawn is going to look rather odd. A metal frog given to my wife by a friend (she liked frog stuff), rocks from my many hikes (I'm a bit of a rock hound), flowers that don't match, Columbine, Lady's Mantle, Iris, and Tulip. All of it tells a story, bits and pieces on my life, and her life, and our lives. A tapestry of beauty, a story that will unfold every Spring.

Why I Hate Grieving

Grieving royally sucks, sorry if you didn't know I'm a man who doesn't sugar-coat things. I like to get right to the point. Grieving sucks because it strips me of being productive, passionate, focused, and robs me of vision. I have an addictive personality, at least I'm man enough to admit it. I find something I enjoy and it consumes me at times. Everything from video games, books, the market, career planning, hobbies, you name it I've found it addicting (I never was addicted to alcohol or drugs so I was spared there) I found something and I dove headfirst into it. Researched it, studied it, wanted to know everything about it and then walked it out. Played video games for hours to accomplish everything I could in the game. Read books on a topic until I felt I had I firm grasp on it. Jumped into hobbies and learned everything I could about it. I'm a creature of habit, and I don't like to stray from it. For instance when I get a soda or water from somewhere that needs a lid I have to push down all the bubbles on my drink and those whoa re with me.... it's a habit, it's an addiction. So now that I'm fully engrossed in my grieving my day has no ritual, no habit, I'm thrown off course. I want to get over this, I want to fastrack through it, but I know if I do I'll just screw myself down the road by prolonging the agony. I want to look myself in the mirror every morning and tell myself to "Nut Up!" (yea I said Nut Up!, you heard me) To tell myself to grow some stones and get on with life, but then I realize I am getting on with life. Grieving for the loss of my wife is getting on with life, it's a stage of my life I tried to avoid, it's okay to go through whatever I'm going through because I lost the woman I love ever so deeply, the mother to my son. We fought side-by-side for years, and now I fight alone. It's okay to feel this way and to rest in this time. Let grief run it's course, so that I can wake up one day look at myself in the mirror and say "Now..... it's time to live again." Until then..... Grieving Still Sucks~!

The Day After

Some may know that read this blog.....if anyone does read it that yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing. I went to the grave, by myself, something I said months ago that I would never do again unless I was bringing my son. I told myself that I wouldn't talk to her anymore either..... I couldn't help myself. It was a hard walk getting to her plot, I walked slower then usual. The cemetery is a nice one, setback from the road, you can see a nice pond and open field next to it. I said 'hello' to her and began to pour my heart out. I had read her prayer journals that morning until 3:30 am and it broke my heart. I was a terrible husband to her during the first 4 years of our 6 years marriage. No romance, no openness, no intimacy, I was terrible to her. I wouldn't kiss her, tell her I lover her without being prompted. I hurt the woman I loved so deeply, and now she's gone.

I crouched by her plot and weeped, begging her for forgiveness, trying to explain what was wrong with me. I didn't know how to give and receive love, and then when she got sick I was angry that she was sick and my wife was being stolen from me. I was angry because I couldn't heal her, couldn't take her place, I had to watch her suffer and I couldn't do anything. I didn't know she needed me to hold her, stroke her bald head, kiss her and tell her everything was going to okay. I was there for her, no...... I wanted to solve the problem, alleviate it, and make it all go away. I told her how sorry I was, told her I wished I could do it all over..... told her she didn't deserve it and that she was too good for me. I told her that while we were dating, kept telling her I was 'marrying up' and her being with me was out of pity, her good deed.

I left after a few minutes, being there was too much for me, I walked away promising her to return soon, I kept promising her that until I got to the car. I wiped away the dried tears before I went into the store to carry on my day determined to accomplish something. However my night was similar to most nights, dozing off on the couch before heading to bed.

I don't sleep well anymore, haven't for months. Doesn't matter how many hours I get or don't, my sleep is restless, disturbed, I toss and turn constantly. There is something to sleeping next to a gorgeous woman whom you are deeply in love with that brings peace. I don't have that peace, I feel as if I've lost purpose.

I dislike my job..... no..... wait...... I HATE my job. With a fiery passion that would rival the heat of a thousand suns. I tolerated it because I needed to keep the job the family going. My wife and son needed me to produce. My son has been living with my parents for months now for reasons I don't care to share with you. My wife is gone...... I have lost the passion to better myself, to care for things. It takes every once of my being to not walk into my bosses office, tell him I'm out in two weeks, conduct a fire sale of just about everything I own, and leave. My parents have offered me the spare room, I figured that I'd get a job out there clear everything from my name, get a 2 bedroom apartment and let it be my son and me. The situation works, I'm not home enough to care for a home the size I live in now, my parents have a yard if my son needs to run around. Him being with them is better then a daycare until he's old enough for preschool, I won't need to care about furthering myself until I feel like it. Good university there if I wanted a MBA and to one day own a home again. I just don't feel as if I have purpose anymore, and for a man that's a fate worse then death. For me personally to not constantly be working on a life better then the one I'm living, not bettering myself through study, research, or creating I'm falling behind and I won't stand for it. Now however I just don't' care, existing seems to be enough for me..... unfortunately that's not who I am. I'm the type of person who begs you to throw the worst you got at him so he can prove you wrong and overcome. I'll take on anything out there, take the worst and keep on going...... without my wife by my side encouraging me, without my son to come home to everyday and fuel my fire I've lost my purpose. I've lost my passion, and I don't know when I'll get it back. Until then I'm holding on, holding on for a better day.

I've Been Here Before

Hello Everyone,
I was encouraged to blog again to get some of my feelings out the in open. A lot has happened in the 3 months since I last wrote, a lot of revelations about life. I have found out that I was only kidding myself, I'm still grieving. I thought I had finished it, but the truth remains the intensity of it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel suffocated by it, as if I'm drowning in a sea of memory. Monday will mark the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing, a half year has gone by and my life still hasn't started yet.

I tried to fast track my grief, I wanted to get through it so that I could be done with it. I'm not a man who deals well with emotions, I came from the typical macho background of stuffing it deep deep down. Now that I've embraced the grief and finally let it come out I find it so intense that I don't know what to do. I though that by now my life would be moving in a different direction. I'd start to live again, feeling the freedom of being released from the cancer my late wife had. I got more done, lived a fuller life when she was alive, I don't like this new found freedom because it's more of a prison. I feel my health deteriorating, my drive and my passion burns with the intensity of a match in a downpour. I started a blog about the stock market (my passion) and I haven't touched it in a month.

Yesterday I spent a good minute staring into the sink at my job's kitchen area. Just staring, the coffee mug nearly slipping out of my hands. I didn't know where I went, I just know it wasn't anywhere pleasurable. Life seems to be at a standstill, yet time keeps flying by. My son will celebrate his 2nd birthday in only 3 1/2 months. He'll be 2, where has the time gone?

You may be wondering what has become of my and Songstress, well I'll let you know somethings, other are to be kept private. Things haven't been well between us lately, rough roads. It's based upon a combination of many things, mainly my status and her personality. She's a wonderful woman, but a very sensitive woman. Far more sensitive then anyone I've ever known, not the kind of person you'd pair with a widower and that's where the problem lies. I'm a widower, I still love my late wife and no one woman that I know wants to share the love of her man with another woman, dead of alive. I don't blame her, or any woman for that matter. You dream of marrying a man who wants to do it all for you, pledge his undying love to you, create a world around you, not a man who has 'episodes' where he finds himself in the arms of his late wife reliving a memory of times gone by.

I love Songstress, and I love my late wife, differently of course. I'll never stop loving my late wife, when you've been married and pledged your undying love to a woman you will love her until you die. It would be the same if Songstress and I were married first and she passed. It's intense for me because we have a child together, we lost a child together, battled cancer for 4 years together, spent 7 years together, but we never had a chance to say goodbye together. A life cut short, both hers and mine.

So where does this leave me? In the same place I have been, only know I realize where I am. The life before me still isn't defined. Lately I've been wondering if I'd prefer to be alone. You see I was alone often when my late wife was sick. She'd be in the hospital for days and weeks at a time. She was in a coma for a month before passing. I grew used to be alone, not having time for friends because my focus was my son and ill wife. I wonder why I want to remarry, why I want to find someone else. I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life, I have love to give, I enjoy sharing my life with someone, I want my son to have the best life possible. I want more children too, I want a family. However I question if there are any women out there who could embrace a widower the way I want them to? Sometimes I think if I can find someone to love my son while I'm at work then that's all I need. Single parents make things work, and the children can come out well rounded. My son has been with my parents for the last 6 months, he loves them and they've re-built their lives around him. Leaving him in that situation could work, the only problem is I live 250 miles away. Getting them to move here seems impossible, but me leaving and going there isn't outside the realm of possibility. It's something that I was sure I'd never do, I had made it up in my mind that I was going to stick it out here regardless. Lately I've been wanting to try a fresh start, I've thought about moving to somewhere that I really want to live (Denver or San Diego) but I have no one there for my son and I'd be too far from my late wife's grave to bring my son to visit.

So for now my life seems in limbo, but it's okay I've been here before.