My Final Goodbye

I am not going to be long, this will be my final post. Today marks the 7 month anniversary of my late wife's passing. I've used this blog as a means of healing and therapy for me. I still miss her, and I always will. I still love her and I always will. The sting of her passing lessens everyday, it's slowly becoming a dull ache and one day I will be able to look back on our time and see nothing but joy. That day is growing closer everyday, for now when I think or her and see her in pictures I spend my time thinking on those things are are good. I want to thank all who have been reading this and those who have commented. I leave you with this picture, the last we ever took together as a family. This was about a month before her passing, this was the final family photo we ever had. I bid you farewell, this was my story.

My Wonderful Weekend

This was the weekend that I travel to my parents home to visit my son. It's a four and a half hour drive one way, so at times it can get pretty lonely. I generally scan the radio for about two hours continuously searching for a song or two, maybe a bit of news to pass the time. I'm not fond of my Cd's.... listened to them so much, I need new music. I ended up listening to a Milwaukee Brewers baseball game being broadcast..... I like baseball reminds me of being a kid.

I spend less then 48 hours with my son on these weekends, but it's worth the drive just to see him. I'd go every week if I could, gas is so expensive and it's 500 miles round trip, I'd be getting an oil change once a month!

We woke up Saturday morning around 7am and headed out to do our Saturday morning routine. Juice and milk, a diaper change, and toonies (cartoons). Then after about an hour my son is usually ready for breakfast. My mother makes us breakfast which is nice change of pace from me doing all the cooking. So we cycle through his favorite toonies and I take a break to grab a shower and change of clothes. My folks use this time to get housework and/or shopping done and we set out to play. My son loves to roughhouse, so we play pretty hard and invent some fun games. My parents have built their lives around the boy so the house is filled with stuff for him. He has an indoor play slide which we use to launch stuff from. I bought him blocks and we stack them in front of the slide so he can race down it and knock everything over. This time he took his stuffed tiger and let him take the first crack at the brick tower. After wrestling and playing hard for about 2 hours it was time for a snack break. Juice and carrots were on the menu, something we both enjoy. I leaned myself up against the counter and handed him a carrot stick. He looked at me and then turned around, look over his shoulder and backed himself up against the counter, leaning on it the same way I was.

They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery...... but for me this went beyond flattery. There's nothing better for a father in my opinion then to watch your son want to be like you. Do what you do, and say what you say........ he wants to be just like me.

Checking In

I'm just posting so that my thousands of daily readers still know that I draw breath. I found a blog to follow about another 30yr old widower with an infant daughter. You can find the link on the right hand side of the page, check it out. Not much has been going on in my life lately. I have a job interview next week, and I head out today to see my son. Thunder storm rolled through last night waking me from my sleep. Thunder crashed so much that I was jolted awake and felt like my heart was about to jump through my chest. Left me jittery with no way of calming myself down. It was a spectacular display, lightning so intense that it lit up the entire house and nearly blinded me when I looked out the window. The morning was cool, grey, and dreary..... not the greatest motivator to moving my carcass out of bed.

"Iron Man" comes out today, going to see it with a bunch of my male friends from church. Men's Movie Monday.... it's been awhile since me and the guys got together. I need that male bonding, adult conversation, change of pace. Something I've neglected since the end of the football season, it's been too long. I'm not too deep in thought today, I'm watching the clock waiting to hit the road and get to my boy. The day is going in reverse I believe..... not good at all.

On Days Like Today

I woke up this morning to a cloudy, well overcast, rainy and dreary morning. This is the type of morning where you slowly crawl yourself out of bed to begin your day. You're not in a rush to go anywhere, the day takes a slower pace. The kind of morning where you head down stairs, grab a hot cup of green/herbal tea, sweeten it with some locally produced honey, and in my case watch the rain drops disturb the pond out back. Unfortunately my morning was rushed because I slept in on purpose, and needed to get my behind out the door and on to the job.

I frequent a young widow/ers forum, and came across a post that I found interesting. It dealt with the widow/ers who had what they called "skin hunger". It need for sex and in some cases just the sensation of another human beings body next to theirs. On days like today my "skin hunger" increased in appetite. These are the days when you call in with a mystery "illness" roll over next to the man/woman you deeply love, pull them closer into you, and try to withstanding the radiating heat pulsating from their body. Where you enjoy that hot cup of tea together, and spend the day wrapped in their embrace. Taking frequent trips to the bedroom to engage in treatments for that mystery 'Illness'!!!

I know that I will never again experience that sensation, that feeling with The Mamas anymore, so now my desire turns to that of a woman. To have someones skin next to mine, the feel of my arms around her waist as we let the day slip by under the protection of the blankets. The soft skin on her neck and shoulders, the smell of her hair. I apologize if this seems 'R' rated, but on days like today my mind drifts to how I feel it was intended to be spent. Heading to the porch to sit on a bench listening to the rain drops create a symphony on every exposed surface, the cool of the air, the smell ..... so refreshing.

It is on days like today that I shouldn't be at work, I should be home soaking in the one I love and desire. But alas....... those days will have to wait.

A New Perspective

Last week I met with my Pastor as I usually do every Wednesday. He gave me a book called 'The On-Purpose Person', he recommended I read it and follow it as it should help my need to find purpose. The more I read of the book the more I thought to myself.... "I have to first find my purpose to define whether I'm on-purpose or off-purpose". I don't think I've ever figured that out. In my early twenties I didn't have much desire to have direction in my life. I had just gotten out of the Air Force, moved to a new state and started a new job. I was making good money, living in a one bedroom apartment, and things seemed okay. Granted the work I was doing didn't thrill me, and I was lonely but I had been worse off prior, this was a chance at a new start. Shortly after moving here I met my late wife (I'm going to call her "The Mamas" from now on) we married 11 months after meeting. I started college, taking a pre-algebra class over the summer to brush up my math skills and to test the college waters. I went to community college which helped the transition with the goal of getting a Bachelor's. Not much time passed before I lost my job, and The Mamas got sick. My focus shifted to helping her recover, I didn't finish my degree, but my life was consumed by cancer. It dictated where we went, what we did, and what didn't do. My life lost all sense of direction and purpose, or rather my purpose was redefined to being a husband of a cancer patient and eventually a father.

Now I find myself free of the cancer demon, and unfortunately free of my son for the time being. My wife has passed and I am now lost. Directionless, floating in a infinite ocean of possibility yet so overwhelmed I cannot even put the oars in the water to row myself in a direction. In my mind all I need is a new job, paying more money. Something that when I wake up in the morning I'm not dreading to go to. I'm fulfilled in my career, I am challenged, and I am growing. If I have this then I can bring my son home, and stop a lot of the personal anguish I have when I go home. However I don't feel as if this is all that needs to happen, there has to be more.

I find myself very tired, run down, and worn out. I haven't had a vacation in 5 years however taking a vacation seems to be irresponsible given my situation. So as I read this book I'm going to try and gain a new perspective on life. I'm going to attempt to become more on-purpose and figure out my purpose. I wonder however what will become of my life as I do this. What will I have to get rid of, or whom?

Mind Tricks & Thunderstorms

I find it amazing as to how powerful your mind can be. My mind played a great many tricks on me this morning, and it had a tremendous affect on my whole body. Last night I had a dream about my late wife, I dreamt of her for the first time in months. In the dream I remember meeting her and saying to her "You're alive". I can't remember anything else we did in the dream, anything after that seemed insignificant. I woke up fully expecting her to be laying beside me in bed. Reality then sat in as she wasn't there. My dream convinced me so much that I believed my reality had changed. I dreamt that the house I grew up in had totally been changed and it upset me even though I haven't lived there in well over a decade. I woke up from this dream breathing heavy as if I had just experienced a nightmare. I woke up jittery, like I had sucked down a whole pot of espresso. The mind is so powerful, that is affected everything about me, and it did so when I was most vulnerable.

Last night wasn't all bad. Songstress came over to help me with my bad back. I took my son to the children's museum this weekend, and I failed to stretch. I'm not in toddler shape and I didn't take this into account as I climbed through all the caves and tunnels and played hard with my son. She helped to relieve the pain I was feeling and I can say I'm more mobile now. Last night we experienced a fantastic thunderstorm. I'm a big fan of watching thunderstorms, something about them fascinates me. So I sat on my porch and listened to the thunder crash, watched bolts of lightning illuminate the sky, and listened to the downpour of giants raindrops smashing against everything. I love the smell of rain, feeling the temperature drop ten degrees as the black ominous clouds roll into blotting out the sun and unleashing its furry upon all below it. Something about that time makes me feel at peace. Maybe it's knowing that during thunderstorms like that being next to the one you love curled up together in a loving embrace experiencing and commenting on the unfolding of such an awesome array of nature is time well spent. Possibly it's feeling the security of feeling that touch, the comfort that it brings, that even though the storms of life roll through life there is someone to cling to in times of calamity. Such a peace it brings, the calm before and after the storm.

Today Is Another Day

After going through the roughest two weeks I've experienced in a long while I never thought I'd look forward to Monday, but I was. This is the start of a new week, a chance to get back the lost time and to get my life started on the right track. However on the day when I want to get everything started fresh, something always comes up.
I spent a wonderful weekend with my son playing how father's and son should play. Went to the children's museum and played for 4 hours crawling and running, climbing and looking. Everything is interactive so nothing is off limits. We enjoyed ourselves and the fun didn't stop there. We rough-housed all weekend long, playing in the yard and at the playground. As much fun as this was, there are consequences when you're not in toddler shape. I woke up this morning with my back locked up and wondering if I was every going to move again. A nice hot shower and multiple aspirins later I'm moving around although it's at the pace where me and Grandpa would be neck-and-neck in a race to the buffet line at The Old Country Buffet, but hey it's movement.

I'm looking forward to the coming months. The spring always makes for a great time of year to be active which I desperately need. I'm looking forward to slowly investing in my life and making the most of all that I have. With every morning comes a new challenge, every morning is a new fight, but every morning is a new opportunity to discover and a new obstacle to overcome.

Making a Decision

This will be the second post today... something I want to get off my chest before the weekend. For the last 6 months I've struggled in my decision making, something I've never done before. I've always been strong in decision making, even if it's the wrong one. Once I chose something I stick with it, good or bad I don't like turning back on it. For the last 6 months I've wavered about where I'm going to be. There are 4 places in my mind, two are fleeting choices, weak in comparison of the other two. Denver and San Diego both are places I'd love to live, but I probably wouldn't move there. Where I am now, and Madison are the two front runners. I met with my Pastor on Wednesday, something I've been doing just about every week for the last 5-6 months. He's my mentor, tells me like it is yet allows me to discover things on my own. he's been watching me go through changes, watching me fight the grieving process. Now I'm letting it all out and it's brought me to a crucial junction. Do I stay, or do I go. I won't get into the logistics, but needless to say I've decided to stay. My Pastor told me that I need to stop running from grieving, stop running from the memories of my wife, I need to learn to embrace them and honor them, and so I shall. I told you about the Iris' (FYI not coming until August/September...... I wish I had known that earlier!!!!) there are a few other things I need to do. First thing is to add a few more pictures in the home. One's of the three of us, her and my son, and those of her work. Songstress called me the other day and told me of a great idea. a friend of hers made a quilt out of someones old clothing, a way to remember that person. She thought my son might like that. You see while in the hospital undergoing her bone marrow transplant my wife received a quilt of silk screened pictures of our son, it was hung up on the wall so she could see it everyday. I think I'm going to memorialize her in that way too. It's time to honor my wife's memory, her legacy, her life. It's time for me to make some decisions about mine. I joke with Songstress all the time about decisions, I say in a joking manner that we're going to do something because ".... I'm a man, and when I make decisions things happen!" It's time for things to happen in my life, it's time to embrace all that was and is my wife; to grieve my loss and to honor her life. The flowers in the front lawn, the photos of her, and her work that she was most proud of as am I all of these things remind me of her...... and that's just fine with me.

I Hate Waiting

I've never been a patient man, a real flaw I have. I want to enjoy things, and to enjoy them now. On Monday the 14th marked the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing. On that day Songstress sent me a e-mail about a sale going on at a nursery. I'm not much of a gardener, last year my mother planted Roma tomatoes for me (my favorite kind) and I forgot to take care of them, the plants scorched, and the yield wasn't as much as it could have been. In front of my house there is an area covered in wood chips that could be used for planting flowers. Last year my mother took the opportunity to plant flowers there for us, I couldn't care otherwise.

I decided to take a look at this sale, it was buy one for regular price, get a second for a penny so I thought why not. I ended up ordering some flowers and they haven't shipped yet, my patience does have a limit! The flowers I chose have some special meaning to me, even though I'm not a plant guy there are certain flowers that have great meaning to me. I ordered two types of Columbine because it reminds me of my time in Colorado, hiking through mountain valleys covered in wild flowers, Columbine's sprinkled in. I also ordered Lady's Mantle, the name echoed in my heart, that's what Songstress is going to do in a way. Take up the mantle of my deceased wife as my wife one day, and mother to my son. It's heavy mantle to carry, it makes me think of Elijah and Elisha, read II King 2 if you need a refresher. I ordered a few other pretty flowers and that was it.

Another flower I love is lilac. Every year just about I send a bouquet of it to my mother for Mother's Day (which is coming up! Hope I don't forget!) She loves them, the color and the smell. I love the smell, here in Minnesota they bloom in about mid-May. I like to roll down the window as I drive and take in the aroma. It's intoxicating, almost so that I forget that I'm driving, need to focus on the road. There may not be a more heavenly scent in all the earth.

Tulips are hands down my favorite flower, they were the favorite of my wife as well. Last year my mother attended the Tulip Festival in Holland, Michigan, something we did when I was a child living in Ohio. While there she picked up some bulbs specifically for us, she planted them last year in the area in front of our home. They lie underneath the ground, dormant waiting for Spring to awaken them, when they burst forth and bloom they'll line the walkway leading to the front doors. It'll make a fine welcome for any and all visitors. I'm trying to wait patiently for them, it's quite a good lesson.

Today is received an e-mail from the slow-as-a-snail nursery that I ordered my Columbine from. As I was about to delete it I noticed the heading, "Sale on Iris'".... the Iris..... the memories those hold for me. Before I knew my wife she was in a car accident, they settled and she got some money. She took some of it and bought a nice camera and some equipment. She took a photography class in high school and loved it, now she had a nice camera of her own. When we first started dating and wanted something to do together I took up photography too as a hobby. We'd hike up north and go on photo expeditions. I prefer wildlife, she macro (up close). She excelled at taking photos of flowers. I remember taking her with me to picnic with my parents on the 4th of July one year. She took her camera with her, my parents thought her slightly different. I immediately knew why, she was laying on the ground on her stomach in front of a dead dandelion, camera in hand taking pictures. I chuckled, that's how she was, she found beauty in things most people overlooked. While on a hike my father pointed out many different "photo" quality pictures for her to take! We slowed down the pace so she could do her thing, they were welcoming her in. Years later photos we took on that trip and other still hang in my parents home. Some from her, some from me. One day while walking near her parents home we came upon a small pond, this pond was surrounded by wild Iris' a perfect opportunity for her to work. She captured those flowers and other Iris' over the years. They posed for her, opened themselves up just so she could capture their beauty. Those photos hang in my home as they have hung in our home over the last 6 years. I immediately purchased the Iris' on sale, and I can't wait to get them home.

The flower garden in the front lawn is going to look rather odd. A metal frog given to my wife by a friend (she liked frog stuff), rocks from my many hikes (I'm a bit of a rock hound), flowers that don't match, Columbine, Lady's Mantle, Iris, and Tulip. All of it tells a story, bits and pieces on my life, and her life, and our lives. A tapestry of beauty, a story that will unfold every Spring.

Why I Hate Grieving

Grieving royally sucks, sorry if you didn't know I'm a man who doesn't sugar-coat things. I like to get right to the point. Grieving sucks because it strips me of being productive, passionate, focused, and robs me of vision. I have an addictive personality, at least I'm man enough to admit it. I find something I enjoy and it consumes me at times. Everything from video games, books, the market, career planning, hobbies, you name it I've found it addicting (I never was addicted to alcohol or drugs so I was spared there) I found something and I dove headfirst into it. Researched it, studied it, wanted to know everything about it and then walked it out. Played video games for hours to accomplish everything I could in the game. Read books on a topic until I felt I had I firm grasp on it. Jumped into hobbies and learned everything I could about it. I'm a creature of habit, and I don't like to stray from it. For instance when I get a soda or water from somewhere that needs a lid I have to push down all the bubbles on my drink and those whoa re with me.... it's a habit, it's an addiction. So now that I'm fully engrossed in my grieving my day has no ritual, no habit, I'm thrown off course. I want to get over this, I want to fastrack through it, but I know if I do I'll just screw myself down the road by prolonging the agony. I want to look myself in the mirror every morning and tell myself to "Nut Up!" (yea I said Nut Up!, you heard me) To tell myself to grow some stones and get on with life, but then I realize I am getting on with life. Grieving for the loss of my wife is getting on with life, it's a stage of my life I tried to avoid, it's okay to go through whatever I'm going through because I lost the woman I love ever so deeply, the mother to my son. We fought side-by-side for years, and now I fight alone. It's okay to feel this way and to rest in this time. Let grief run it's course, so that I can wake up one day look at myself in the mirror and say "Now..... it's time to live again." Until then..... Grieving Still Sucks~!

The Day After

Some may know that read this blog.....if anyone does read it that yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing. I went to the grave, by myself, something I said months ago that I would never do again unless I was bringing my son. I told myself that I wouldn't talk to her anymore either..... I couldn't help myself. It was a hard walk getting to her plot, I walked slower then usual. The cemetery is a nice one, setback from the road, you can see a nice pond and open field next to it. I said 'hello' to her and began to pour my heart out. I had read her prayer journals that morning until 3:30 am and it broke my heart. I was a terrible husband to her during the first 4 years of our 6 years marriage. No romance, no openness, no intimacy, I was terrible to her. I wouldn't kiss her, tell her I lover her without being prompted. I hurt the woman I loved so deeply, and now she's gone.

I crouched by her plot and weeped, begging her for forgiveness, trying to explain what was wrong with me. I didn't know how to give and receive love, and then when she got sick I was angry that she was sick and my wife was being stolen from me. I was angry because I couldn't heal her, couldn't take her place, I had to watch her suffer and I couldn't do anything. I didn't know she needed me to hold her, stroke her bald head, kiss her and tell her everything was going to okay. I was there for her, no...... I wanted to solve the problem, alleviate it, and make it all go away. I told her how sorry I was, told her I wished I could do it all over..... told her she didn't deserve it and that she was too good for me. I told her that while we were dating, kept telling her I was 'marrying up' and her being with me was out of pity, her good deed.

I left after a few minutes, being there was too much for me, I walked away promising her to return soon, I kept promising her that until I got to the car. I wiped away the dried tears before I went into the store to carry on my day determined to accomplish something. However my night was similar to most nights, dozing off on the couch before heading to bed.

I don't sleep well anymore, haven't for months. Doesn't matter how many hours I get or don't, my sleep is restless, disturbed, I toss and turn constantly. There is something to sleeping next to a gorgeous woman whom you are deeply in love with that brings peace. I don't have that peace, I feel as if I've lost purpose.

I dislike my job..... no..... wait...... I HATE my job. With a fiery passion that would rival the heat of a thousand suns. I tolerated it because I needed to keep the job the family going. My wife and son needed me to produce. My son has been living with my parents for months now for reasons I don't care to share with you. My wife is gone...... I have lost the passion to better myself, to care for things. It takes every once of my being to not walk into my bosses office, tell him I'm out in two weeks, conduct a fire sale of just about everything I own, and leave. My parents have offered me the spare room, I figured that I'd get a job out there clear everything from my name, get a 2 bedroom apartment and let it be my son and me. The situation works, I'm not home enough to care for a home the size I live in now, my parents have a yard if my son needs to run around. Him being with them is better then a daycare until he's old enough for preschool, I won't need to care about furthering myself until I feel like it. Good university there if I wanted a MBA and to one day own a home again. I just don't feel as if I have purpose anymore, and for a man that's a fate worse then death. For me personally to not constantly be working on a life better then the one I'm living, not bettering myself through study, research, or creating I'm falling behind and I won't stand for it. Now however I just don't' care, existing seems to be enough for me..... unfortunately that's not who I am. I'm the type of person who begs you to throw the worst you got at him so he can prove you wrong and overcome. I'll take on anything out there, take the worst and keep on going...... without my wife by my side encouraging me, without my son to come home to everyday and fuel my fire I've lost my purpose. I've lost my passion, and I don't know when I'll get it back. Until then I'm holding on, holding on for a better day.

I've Been Here Before

Hello Everyone,
I was encouraged to blog again to get some of my feelings out the in open. A lot has happened in the 3 months since I last wrote, a lot of revelations about life. I have found out that I was only kidding myself, I'm still grieving. I thought I had finished it, but the truth remains the intensity of it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel suffocated by it, as if I'm drowning in a sea of memory. Monday will mark the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing, a half year has gone by and my life still hasn't started yet.

I tried to fast track my grief, I wanted to get through it so that I could be done with it. I'm not a man who deals well with emotions, I came from the typical macho background of stuffing it deep deep down. Now that I've embraced the grief and finally let it come out I find it so intense that I don't know what to do. I though that by now my life would be moving in a different direction. I'd start to live again, feeling the freedom of being released from the cancer my late wife had. I got more done, lived a fuller life when she was alive, I don't like this new found freedom because it's more of a prison. I feel my health deteriorating, my drive and my passion burns with the intensity of a match in a downpour. I started a blog about the stock market (my passion) and I haven't touched it in a month.

Yesterday I spent a good minute staring into the sink at my job's kitchen area. Just staring, the coffee mug nearly slipping out of my hands. I didn't know where I went, I just know it wasn't anywhere pleasurable. Life seems to be at a standstill, yet time keeps flying by. My son will celebrate his 2nd birthday in only 3 1/2 months. He'll be 2, where has the time gone?

You may be wondering what has become of my and Songstress, well I'll let you know somethings, other are to be kept private. Things haven't been well between us lately, rough roads. It's based upon a combination of many things, mainly my status and her personality. She's a wonderful woman, but a very sensitive woman. Far more sensitive then anyone I've ever known, not the kind of person you'd pair with a widower and that's where the problem lies. I'm a widower, I still love my late wife and no one woman that I know wants to share the love of her man with another woman, dead of alive. I don't blame her, or any woman for that matter. You dream of marrying a man who wants to do it all for you, pledge his undying love to you, create a world around you, not a man who has 'episodes' where he finds himself in the arms of his late wife reliving a memory of times gone by.

I love Songstress, and I love my late wife, differently of course. I'll never stop loving my late wife, when you've been married and pledged your undying love to a woman you will love her until you die. It would be the same if Songstress and I were married first and she passed. It's intense for me because we have a child together, we lost a child together, battled cancer for 4 years together, spent 7 years together, but we never had a chance to say goodbye together. A life cut short, both hers and mine.

So where does this leave me? In the same place I have been, only know I realize where I am. The life before me still isn't defined. Lately I've been wondering if I'd prefer to be alone. You see I was alone often when my late wife was sick. She'd be in the hospital for days and weeks at a time. She was in a coma for a month before passing. I grew used to be alone, not having time for friends because my focus was my son and ill wife. I wonder why I want to remarry, why I want to find someone else. I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life, I have love to give, I enjoy sharing my life with someone, I want my son to have the best life possible. I want more children too, I want a family. However I question if there are any women out there who could embrace a widower the way I want them to? Sometimes I think if I can find someone to love my son while I'm at work then that's all I need. Single parents make things work, and the children can come out well rounded. My son has been with my parents for the last 6 months, he loves them and they've re-built their lives around him. Leaving him in that situation could work, the only problem is I live 250 miles away. Getting them to move here seems impossible, but me leaving and going there isn't outside the realm of possibility. It's something that I was sure I'd never do, I had made it up in my mind that I was going to stick it out here regardless. Lately I've been wanting to try a fresh start, I've thought about moving to somewhere that I really want to live (Denver or San Diego) but I have no one there for my son and I'd be too far from my late wife's grave to bring my son to visit.

So for now my life seems in limbo, but it's okay I've been here before.

Walking the Fine Line

To My Loyal Readers!


It is amazing how complex a human being can be. In my last post I talked about the challenges Songstress and I were having. After some counseling with our Pastor, alot of root issues began to surface. Turns out I was paying for the mistakes of another even though I gave her everything she wanted and more her concept of love has been tainted by other men in her life that have done her wrong. She believed that the tainted love she received was the best she could ever get, it wasn't her fault, she never was given the chance.

We're working through this together, and she's beginning to make great progress. I don't want you all to believe that she's a project to me, I'm with her for what I see in her, I'm in love with her despite whatever may seem wrong. If you could see what I see, you would have no questions, it would be obvious. Someone posted a comment (please put down a name or something when you leave a comment!) cautioning me to be careful. I thank them for the concern but caution isn't my strong suit! I'm a risk taker, and love is risky if I hold back for even a second there can be divison. I'm running to Songstress with open arms, fully vunerable, what she does with that is up to her. I was once a very closed off man..... it's a miserable way to live.

There are many issues that I'm dealing with that are carry-over from before I met Songstress, and I'm trying to toe the line between protection and secrecy. How do I not involve her because she doesn't need to know the whole story and to bear any extra weight. I believe that women are the weaker vessels, and that a real man is equip to bear much more then a woman as he should. I believe men are to be the Priest, Provider, and Protector of the home, that includes the family that dwells there in.

I'm a HUGE fan of the movie 300, it's become my new favorite along side Black Hawk Down. In that movie King Leonidas leaves his home to defend his country for it's people, for freedom, and for the woman he affectionately calls "His Queen". He sacrifices himself for her, their son, and their way of life. He leads his men into sure death and they go knowing full well what lies ahead, but it is the courage, valour, and strength that causes them to fight to the bitter end. If the Queen knew what really happened on that battle field she may never have been able to endure it, it would have been more then she could have taken or wanted to know, no matter what how strong she was. She stayed at home and fought her own fight from a place of safety. She knew the end result, but didn't know what it took to get there, the blood that was shed, the pain endured, the battles fought. I'm walking that same line with Songstress, how do I protect her but yet keep her close enough to me. It's a fine line to walk..... one day I'll get it right.

Hanging on by a thread

Oh the ups and the downs of my world......it's like a rollercoaster except this one I don't enjoy. I grew up in Ohio and we had Cedar Point and Kings Island, two amusement parks. I loved the rollercoaster, but the one I have been on for the last 5 years I could do without.

Things with Songstress started off great when we got back together, but now....... I'm coming to the end of my rope. We've been together now for 2 months, and I have to confess it's been work. There have been many issues to deal with, and many roadblocks to cross over. Never once have I ever truly thought about giving up, but as of right now I'm tired, I'm weary, and I'm wondering how much there is left in the tank and how long will it last.

I'm a great man, I'm not bragging but just confident in myself. I'm a great father to my son, I own my home, I have a VERY bright future. College educated, a Deacon in my church, and I love God. I stood by my ailing wife for 4 years, with her to the very bitter end. I'm young, and I'm not all that bad to look at. I'm no movie star, but I'm not hideous. I treat Songstress like a queen and shower her with love and affection. I'm giving her everything I wanted to give my late wife but couldn't because of her illness. I'm so in love with her that other women don't even exist to me. We went out to lunch today and my boss commented on the single women and how lovely they were..... I didn't even notice any good looking women there. I've made her the center of my world, I've rearranged my home to make sure to it that she's comfortable there, putting away all pictures of my late wife or keeping them out of public view. So why is it that I feel that she treats me like garbage at times and acts as if she wants to push me out the door?

I e-mailed her family after the wedding was called off, I took the blame for everything, pinned it all on me. I wanted to cover her and take any questions, concerns, and speculation off of her and bear it myself. Was I a party to the folly, yes I was...... but there were two of us. Everytime we have any arguement I apologize whether it was my fault or not, in my prayer time I go before God and ask Him to make me a better man, because something I did caused anger, frustration, irritation to rise up in Songstress, even if I didn't do anything wrong. I covered her because love covers the multitude of sins. I've taken the verbal assaults, spent countless hours ministering to her needs, trying to help her, and pouring out everything I had until the tank was empty and then dipping into my reserves. I have work to do, an empire to build yet I'll put it all aside for her, the same way I put my life aside for my late wife. With Songstress though we're not even married yet, still dating..... so why do I do it?

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I have faith for better days to come, a great marriage, a union of oneness, and my love for her and the faith I have keeps me holding on. I know how to suffer through, I did it for 4 years. I just hope that faith, hope, and love is enough for me to hold on to. My relationship I feel from my perspective is on life support..... can it recover? What will it take? It'll take me feeling like I'm not trying to do this alone. I felt like I was believing we'd get back together alone..... now I feel as if I'm trying to keep us together alone. The Bible says not to grow weary in well doing; for you shall reap if you faint not. I went from holding on and hanging on for 4 years to another relationship in which I'm doing the same thing. I want a woman who's willing to invest just as much as I am, someone who wants to fight for a promise, not push away a blessing. For now I'll keep holding on, hanging by a thread, I just hope I dont' have to hold on long and that the thread can bear me up.

Spoiled By Songstress

Well for anyone who reads this blog, if you happen to have caught the comment left on the previous post you'll notice that Songstress left her 2 cents.

Yes, we are officially back on, and better then ever before. We met at Perkins on the 18th and patched everything up. I haven't popped the question yet because I lack a ring and a set date. Both are coming though, I'm sure of it.

So there you have it, Songstress and I are going to be getting married sometime in 2008 I'm sure, I can't wait much longer. I might kidnap her and elope with her if I have to.....she's too good to not be married to. She's my priceless jewel, a precious and rare find.

Still Holding

Not too long after I wrote the last post I received an e-mail from my pastor talking about how there is a possibility of reconciliation between Songstress and I. Can I tell you I nearly fell out of my chair. Then something else just as wonderful happened...... she called me.

We talked until early this morning, she mostly dogged me for how much I hurt her..... I sat there taking it, fighting off tears of both hurt and joy. The woman I love is talking to me, even if she was calling me a "jerk" and telling me that " I sucked" and "wasn't cool" it didn't matter, I could hear her voice, even when she didn't talk I knew she was there.

I'm still holding on to that mustard seed, holding on to the little I have left, but that's all I need. So where do me and Songstress stand? We're two seperate individuals, no plans for marriage, not engaged, but there is a possibility that we can begin again. She's very hurt and very angry at me, she doesn't know if she can trust me but I believe over time that can change. Time can heal the heart, I know it can, I'm proof.

If you're just joining us here, take the time to read about Songstress in my earlier posts. Look on the left hand side of the screen, you'll see things dating back to Nov. After my late wife passed on I didn't think I'd ever remarry, who could measure up to such a wonderful woman as she was. Little did I know that God made this woman especially for me, she turned my life on it's ear I didn't know I could love so deeply. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years 5 months prior to our first date (I call him a Mama's Boy Panty Waste because over a 5 year time span he never married Songstress, that guy hasn't a clue what he has missed out on. This woman is the total package...... she's a precious jewel, a rare and priceless find). She was everything I needed, even if I didn't know I needed it. You see she is what I affectionately call "My Little Social Activist". She's out the save the world by herself, she's not the kind of woman who demands a Jaguar, Mercedes, and Gucci. She wants to travel to remote places in the world and rescue the lost. I began to think to myself why is a corporate man like myself who would rather vacation at a 5-star resort with a woman who doesn't mind bathing out of a bucket and sleeping on the floor of a grass hut together? Little did I know that I needed a woman like her to accomplish what I want to do. She's a social worker, and I have a mission to break the back of poverty, to feed thousands, clothe and house thousands...... who better to help me get it done then a social worker. Now we could be business partners only, but I love her too much to just work with her 9-5.

She was made especially for me, I need her. It takes a special woman to love a widower, and to love his son as her own. So if I am given a chance to be with her once again....now that I understand exactly how perfect she is for me I'll cherish her even the more. I thought that I saw her for how wonderful she was before, but now I can see beyond what I could see before. So I stand here holding on, I'll keep you updated.

FYI - To whoever posted that link to Jeremy Camp I appreciate it. Funny thing I have his latest CD 'Carried Me' and I've been listening to it alot lately, I recommend it to anyone.

Steadfast Resolve

My emotions seem to be all over the board today, not uncommon for me given all I've been through. I was talking in my last post about leaving where I live.... I dont' think that's a good course of action. I need to make a stand and not run, I need to be steadfast and hold on. There's the slightest glimmer of hope, so small you cannot see it with the naked eye, that Songstress and I can be married, that we can begin again. God has changed His mind in teh past, God can reconcile and restore us it's not beyond the realm of possibility. If that is the case then I'm holding on to that. Am I a fool to believe that God can bring us together... maybe. Then you can call me a fool to have believed that God could have healed my late wife. I held on with her to the very bitter end. My love for Songstress is no different, I love her as a husband loves a wife and it grows daily. I'm going to have resolve and hold fast in faith and hope. That's all I've got left. The Bible says all it takes is the faith the size of a mustard seed. All I have is a mustard seed size chance, so let me match it with mustard seed size faith.

Considering Changes

I'm back to considering some drastic changes in my life. I know you're not supposed to make life altering decisions after something tragic has happened but right now I need to talk out loud. Losing Songstress has crushed me so deeply. We were going to be married on the 26th of April, almost 3 months away. I still do not have my son home with me, and I won't be seeing him this weekend, not until next. 3 weeks in between visits, 3 weeks too long. it has been almost 4 months since he's been home with me. He left not too long after my late wife went into a coma, that was in late September. I feel like I'm losing my son, and now since I've lost Songstress I have no one to turn to about it. My son is clinging to my parents, especially my dad. They're nearly inseperable, and now I jeopardized giving my son a stable life like he's used to.

I'm considering selling my home and moving away to live where my parents live. I'll miss my church and all my friends but my I'll be near my son. I can give him the life he deserves, one that is stable with both a mother and a father figure. He's been without a mother for so long, he doesn't remember his birth mother at all. He does remember me, I can't tell you the pain I feel when I drive away or watching him leave. I used to call Songstress right afterwards and she's console me, now I have no one again..... all alone. Did things move too fast with Songstress? No.... everyone even our pastor endorsed it, I'm young and given the situation of my wife's passing it allowed me to grieve and move on. It ended because of my foolishness...... and now all I want to do is run away and hide from the world. Will God ever allow us to reconcile together and be married? I don't think so, but I pray about it morning, noon, and night pleading for His mercy, asking for a second chance. Only time will tell....... I don't know where I'll be.

Grieving All Over Again

I know I said I wouldn't write again, but thigns have changed in my life. I fell in love with Songstress, asked her to marry me, she said yes. Then through my foolishness I lost her..... God took her from me. She did not pass away.... but to me it's like she has. I think about what it was like when my late wife passed, that pain was dull because I was so numb. Recent events have opened my heart to feel for the first time in 15 years. I mean really feel.

Now the pain is great that I don't know if I can bear to stand it. I read her blog..... he posted a song from an artist we used to listen to together. "Lesson Learned" it broke me so that i had to choke back the tears as I write this at work. In 4 months time I have lost two loves..... this last one may even hurt more then the passing of my wife because it was sudden and not prolonged. It is sharp and biting, my heart now feels it all, I'm not callous as I was before. I grieve for my son too, he is losing a mother again and even though he doesn't know it I do. Songstress was goign to adopt him, and love him as her own. I broke her heart with my foolishness, I hurt my son, broke God's heart, and now I am left to pick up the pieces of my life once again....... so soon after I cleaned up the mess. Those shards of glass have found a place to reside..... deep in the recesses of my heart.

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile since I blogged about my life in detail. I find it odd, but then again it was the holidays lots of hustle and bustle. Things have calmed somewhat as I enter into the new year.

I just had company at my house, Songstress's parents, younger sister, and her boyfriend came up for the day and spent the night. We had a total of 6 of us plus the dog. It was nice to have the house used for it's intended purpose. They are lovely people and I'm going to be very excited about being apart of that family. Songstress and I have a tentative date set, we haven't run it past our pastor yet, but he's already agreed to start counseling. It's a true blessing to have a spiritual leader who knows exactly what I went through, although he never experienced it himself he did have MANY conversations over the last 4 years with both my late wife and I about our struggles. Technically we're not engaged, but we both want to marry each other.

How did things get to this part, well let me tell you. Meeting with my pastor he's brought up several times how I haven't fully grieved my wife's death. On the 30th of Dec I believe I finished the final grieving that I never did. I spent the day after church on my face before God crying out to Him, afterwards I went downstairs and curled up on the couch, I felt as if I was breaking, then the tears came rolling down my face. I haven't cried like that in months, the last time was the week after the funeral. I weeped and wailed, lamenting her passing, when I stopped I felt spent. I attended the New Year's Watchnight service at church, I came rather down and gloomy but being there lifted my spirit, I came into 2008 a new man.

I'm able to look at her pictures and watch the video's that have her and our son in them, no longer do I skip over them, I actually smile when I watch them. When Songstress came over on New Years Day I felt such a deeper love for her. It was as if areas of my heart had been opened off that were once closed. Our lives, from the passions we share, to the work we do are intertwined.

You might ask how is it that just a few short months after the death of a spouse can someone start talking about marriage, allow me to enlighten you to my life. My marriage wasn't normal, over the last 4 years it veered more towards that of a caregiver and patient relationship. Was there love... of course there was, love was never an issue. Being married to a woman who was as sick as she was didn't allow for a normal marriage in an area. This included intimate times, companionship, even conversation. Try 4 years of at least once a day conversation about chemo, cancer, doctor's appointments, hospital stays, medications, etc. Another point is my wife didn't die suddenly, she slowly passed before my eyes over the years, many ups and downs.

I am have a desire to be a husband, and God knows this and has prepared for me a beautiful woman to have as my wife and for that I am both blessed and joyful.

I'm not sure how much I'll write anymore, my journey as a widower is coming to a close, summertime looks like when we'll be getting married. I've used this blog to help me grieve and gather my thoughts, it has helped me immensely, maybe if someone comes across it it'll help them too. If you're a reader of this blog check back periodically as I may update you as to how my life is going. If not, then I bid you a fond farewell, I'm going to start living again....... and 2008 in doing to be a dynamic year!