Hanging on by a thread

Oh the ups and the downs of my world......it's like a rollercoaster except this one I don't enjoy. I grew up in Ohio and we had Cedar Point and Kings Island, two amusement parks. I loved the rollercoaster, but the one I have been on for the last 5 years I could do without.

Things with Songstress started off great when we got back together, but now....... I'm coming to the end of my rope. We've been together now for 2 months, and I have to confess it's been work. There have been many issues to deal with, and many roadblocks to cross over. Never once have I ever truly thought about giving up, but as of right now I'm tired, I'm weary, and I'm wondering how much there is left in the tank and how long will it last.

I'm a great man, I'm not bragging but just confident in myself. I'm a great father to my son, I own my home, I have a VERY bright future. College educated, a Deacon in my church, and I love God. I stood by my ailing wife for 4 years, with her to the very bitter end. I'm young, and I'm not all that bad to look at. I'm no movie star, but I'm not hideous. I treat Songstress like a queen and shower her with love and affection. I'm giving her everything I wanted to give my late wife but couldn't because of her illness. I'm so in love with her that other women don't even exist to me. We went out to lunch today and my boss commented on the single women and how lovely they were..... I didn't even notice any good looking women there. I've made her the center of my world, I've rearranged my home to make sure to it that she's comfortable there, putting away all pictures of my late wife or keeping them out of public view. So why is it that I feel that she treats me like garbage at times and acts as if she wants to push me out the door?

I e-mailed her family after the wedding was called off, I took the blame for everything, pinned it all on me. I wanted to cover her and take any questions, concerns, and speculation off of her and bear it myself. Was I a party to the folly, yes I was...... but there were two of us. Everytime we have any arguement I apologize whether it was my fault or not, in my prayer time I go before God and ask Him to make me a better man, because something I did caused anger, frustration, irritation to rise up in Songstress, even if I didn't do anything wrong. I covered her because love covers the multitude of sins. I've taken the verbal assaults, spent countless hours ministering to her needs, trying to help her, and pouring out everything I had until the tank was empty and then dipping into my reserves. I have work to do, an empire to build yet I'll put it all aside for her, the same way I put my life aside for my late wife. With Songstress though we're not even married yet, still dating..... so why do I do it?

Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I have faith for better days to come, a great marriage, a union of oneness, and my love for her and the faith I have keeps me holding on. I know how to suffer through, I did it for 4 years. I just hope that faith, hope, and love is enough for me to hold on to. My relationship I feel from my perspective is on life support..... can it recover? What will it take? It'll take me feeling like I'm not trying to do this alone. I felt like I was believing we'd get back together alone..... now I feel as if I'm trying to keep us together alone. The Bible says not to grow weary in well doing; for you shall reap if you faint not. I went from holding on and hanging on for 4 years to another relationship in which I'm doing the same thing. I want a woman who's willing to invest just as much as I am, someone who wants to fight for a promise, not push away a blessing. For now I'll keep holding on, hanging by a thread, I just hope I dont' have to hold on long and that the thread can bear me up.