This will be my fourth post for the day.... and it's not even over yet. So why so much? Well because I have much to say. I've been reading an old blog about a similar young widow as he details his life (inspiration for mine) and the more I read the more I realize I have a lot of feelings.
In church my pastor has been preaching about lifting the burden and destroying the yoke. God has done this for me and has helped me to realize that even though my wife passed away, I am yet still here. Just because her life on this earth ended, doesn't mean mine has to.
I'm coming to realize that even though I feel alive again, and I'm ready to begin my life fresh and new that doesn't mean I'm numb. I lived for her specifically for the last 4 years since the diagnosis as a good man a good husband should have done. Since then I realized that I don't have to do that anymore, there is no more caretaking, no more doctors appointments, no more days of illness and sadness. It's just me, my son, and my dog we're all healthy and we're all alive.
Since then a flood of emotions has come over me. The finality of what has occured has smacked me in the face and is asking me to embrace it because it'll help to ease the suffering. My cheeks were sore and red from the abuse I refused to acknowledge, since accepting my loss my cheeks hurt less and I'm finding more joy in my life, but my emotions still are somewhat of a roller coaster.
I'm much more focused then I used to be, but I do from time to time drift away. 'Mental Vacations' that's what I'll call them.... times for me to get away and remember. In the days to come I'm going to talk about other 'Mental Vacations' I'm taking for entirely other reasons, but you will just have to wait.
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