Questions

I have been wondering ever since this morning why I am writing so much about my life and being so open to what could at some point be an audience larger then what I'd desire. Why do I share such intimate details about my life. This is the only thing I can come up with. I lack the courage to talk about it openly with another human being.

I think that I write on this blog everything I wish I could say out loud. I have editing capabilities, and if I don't want something shared I can type it, get it out of my system and then erase it. It's hard to erase something you've said, you just can't take it back.

Here's another question I have about myself: Why do I seek loneliness, when that's the one thing I don't want? What has caused me to alienate friends? I had the opportunity last night to hang out with some friends and watch football, I declined stating that I had things to do around the house. After taking my dog for our evening walk, I sat at home and did nothing the rest of the night (outside taking down the pictures). I had wonderful plans for this weekend with "Songstress" that I was looking forward to, but I cancelled them at the last moment for no good reason. Ever since I said good-bye to my late wife, I haven't quite been the same. Walking to the patch of dirt that covers her final resting place really took a toll on me. I poured out everything that I had kept hidden from her. I told her of the developments in my life, and then I told her I'd come back some day, but I wouldn't talk with her anymore. I gave up the last remaining thread of intimacy I had with another human being. I realized that I could talk all day long to her, but she'd never respond to me. Now I have no one around, and that's all I had wanted for the last 7 months was someone to share my life with.

From the studies and journals I've read about those who have lost a spouse/loved one I can recognize that I'm reverting back a bit. From my understanding it's common. If you've noticed my previous moods and entries have been on the lighter side. I think the sudden sense of loneliness has taken over, it was like a todal wave and it caught me off guard, and now I'm feeding it everything it wants. Tomorrow I'm sure will be a better day, I'll probably feel much better about things. This back and forth really grades on my nerves, makes me feel bi-polar...... I think that is why I'm keeping everyone at arms length, it's a nasty rollercoaster ride and I don't want to make anyone sick.

When the Loneliness Creeps In Pt. 2

This is a continuation from the previous post.


To recap, I've felt alone for probably 7 months now even though I was married. My late wife was in a coma for 4 weeks before she passed, I never got to talk with her, she never could talk back to me. My son is almost 300 miles away from me, I see him for less then 48 hours every 2 weeks. Then there is her.

Her is a friend of mine... well she's supposed to be my friend, but tell that to my heart. Since I don't use names, and I call myself YW (Young Widower) I'm going to call her "Songstress" since I don't want to refer to her as "Her".

I've known Songstress for probably 4 years now. We weren't ever very close, but it wasn't like we were total strangers either. She's the woman I ended up on a date with, I don't want to go into detail about how or why, at least not now. It's funny the way I feel about her, I wonder often if I'm just completely crazy (chances are I'm at least slightly crazy). I know that nothing can transpire now, and maybe not for awhile. I felt the same way about my late wife when I met her, and that scares me. I kept trying to push away my late wife for fear of hurting her, or maybe it was for fear of me getting hurt, not quite sure because I never sought a therapist. Me and Songstress talk..... alot. We talk until the wee hours in the morning, go to work and I unload on her e-mail inbox with random thoughts that come to my head. You see it's nice to have some one who is healthy to talk to. My wife wasn't, I was afraid she'd worried or try to do too much if I told her everything that was going on with me. I was afraid that it would impede on her recovery and add more stress to her life. Songstress however is cancer-free, and is a terrific listener. She reminds me alot of my late wife, many similar qualities and characteristics, that makes things so much harder for me.

See I've waited for 4 years to get my wife back, but she passed on. I waited so long to live a normal life and to have someone who could recieve me and I didn't have to hold back with. Unfortunately as I've stated before I have to hold back.... and because of that I'm finding myself getting closed off. It's been an emotional week for me. The stress of getting my truck fixed and the bill that followed. Leaving my son again, realizing I'm not as good off as I thought I was. Now it's nearly December and Christmas is around the corner. A snow storm is set to hit where I live, a perfect opportunity to stay in bed where it's warm. To drink hot cocoa by the fireplace and watch the snow fill my pond. I had invited Songstress over to see my pond (not a metaphor, I have a drainage pond in my backyard that attracts various water fowl and wildlife. It's the home to a family of muskrats) we were going to watch a movie and maybe play games, but I don't want to drag her into the mess that I am right now. Speaking of fireplaces, did I tell you about my mantle? It was once home to many pictures of my wife and me, now only a few remain. I also pitched her meds, and put away some of her things. I figured that the house didn't need to be a monument to her, because if I kept it that way I'd never move on. It was hard gathering all those pictures, some remain, maybe two of us and three of her and my son. The candle that honored and burned at her funeral sits up there, but that's it. I need to make room for more memories, and more pictures but doing that last night was hard, necessary but hard.

I thought the emotional rollercoaster would end with the passing of my wife, but I was wrong, I just got on a different ride. I know that things will improve over time, that maybe just maybe I can find happiness with Songstress, or at least find a way to be her friend. I know that this week has been a rough week, and things will be better. They say time is the best healer, but I grow impatient I've waited a long time I don't want to wait anymore.

When the Loneliness Creeps In Pt. 1

I got my truck back today, it's driving a bit stiff but with a new drive line I'm sure it'll loosen up in time.

**Warning** This may be a very long post, if I deem it to be too long I'll break it up into parts.

So.... where do I begin. I've been lonely for quite some time. My late wife passed in October of this year but I've been lonely for much longer then that. It started probably in April when the doctor asked my wife if she wanted to continue treatment because it didn't look like they'd get her into remission long enough to have the transplant. I was sitting with my son staring at her while the doctor asked her if she wanted to die. We switched doctors and dropped my wife off at a new hospital over 2 hours away. I would visit with our son every weekend, spending Saturday nights in the room with her on a pullout couch. This went on for 4 weeks. Because the time in between remission and relapse kept getting shorter she went back into the hospital about 2 weeks after she returned home. She was in the hospital again for almost 2 months, during that time her lungs began bleeding and she was touch and go. She wasn't home for more then 4 months before she went back in again. During that time though she had recieved so much chemotherapy and radiation that she could barely function at times. Even though she was there with me she wasn't. You see my wife was having an affair, cancer had stolen her away from me and I couldnt' stop it. I was in a three entity marriage, and I was very much alone.

So it's been about 7 months of loneliness for me, add that to the many months of seperation between us as she was in the hospital. Now the separation is permanent, at least for now. Add this to the fact that my son isn't with me..... especially during this holiday season. I'm not a fan of Christmas as I've mentioned before, but there are certain things as a parent that you are supposed to enjoy. There is a holiday parade that is put on where I live, I've never been. Lived here 7 years and I've never been. I though maybe he'd like to go see it with me this year, but I don't think that'll happen. My mother told me they're taking him this weekend to see Santa for the first time, I'll miss that too. I'm missing all of his developments, and these are times I'll never get back with him. I received an e-mail from my mother stating that she wasn't thrilled about me putting my son in daycare, and the horrors of doing so. She then suggested that I leave him with them a little longer, this after asking me if I was missing him terribly. I called him yesterday just to talk to him, to hear him press the buttons on the phone, and maybe if I was lucky hear him let out a gleeful squeal as he ran through the house.

Recent Developments

Well yesterday if you hadn't noticed there was no post, that is because my truck decided it was going to throw a fit and cost me a arm and a leg to get fixed. I never made it to work which is where I usually write my entries. I was quite surprised with my response to the knowledge of finding out that I might have had to sell my son to pay for the repairs. Usually I would have flipped out and panicked.... but after what I've been through what's the point?

So now I'm tooling around in this 05/06 Corolla wondering if my behind is dragging across the ground and if I need to "Flintstone" it to get it up to speed. Merging is a bear because this thing lacks the power ypick-up has, but it's only temporary.

So yesterday I finally said "good-bye" to my late wife. I had done this several times before, but this was different. I went to visit her grave, and I told her things I had never told her before. I then explained to her that I needed to move on in my life, and that although I love her, my life is still continuing on this earth. Since I'm still here...... I need to get to work. I told her I'd visit the grave with my son every so often, maybe once or twice a year, but I wouldn't be talking with her anymore because it's just not healthy. This was a big deal for me, because it means that I truly accept her passing and acknowledge that my life needs to start again. I've got a son, a house, a career, and my life to put back together and in order. I have to understand that I'm going to do that alone. Tonight when I get home I'm going to take down some of the pictures I have on the mantle over my fireplace. That area of the house is like a monument to her and our life together. She was a MAJOR part of my life, 7 years worth, but that segment of the journey is over I see no need to try and relive it. I want to remember it fondly yet I don't want to dwell in the past and miss the present and future. Some pictures will go up to my son's room, some will remain on the mantle, but I have to make room for new memories, new experiences, and new pictures on that mantle. There has to be room for something else.

So I met with my Pastor yesterday, and we talked at length about this next phase in my journey. We brought up re-marriage and dating. This was birthed out of the fact that I ended up on a date about aweekand a half ago. That was what I called "interesting" in one of my previous posts. This date was purely by accident I thought it was innocent and we were just two people hanging out on a Saturday night..... I was wrong. My Pastor knew that this happened because I had told him last week. So we dicussed this and why I'm not ready. I honestly thought I was okay with trying a date or two on a very casual basis, but he pointed out something that I had not realized. Even though it's been 2 months now, and that because of our circumstance I was very prepared for her passing, I still wasn't totally healed. I had dealt with my grief but healing was not complete. He likened it to an athlete who tears their ACL. They feel great and believe they can play, but if they come back too soon they're going to wreck their health. So we decided in the mean time that I'd be ineligible and we'd probably discuss this again in April/May and by then I might be ready to get back into the game.

So these are the latest developments in my life. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend planned.

Change is good.......right?

What a terrible game last night! There hasn't been a good MNF game since the Oct 29th debacle of Broncos v. Packers where the Bronco secondary blew it in OT. Last night was supposed to be Men's Monday Night Football at a friend's house. Every monday a few of us guys get together in his "Man Cave" (aka the basement) while the wives cook us up food and let us act like a bunch of untamed gorillas while they gather upstairs and watch CSI or something. Last night I couldn't attend because I had some excess work I needed to accomplish, guess how much I got done? Yea that's right almost nothing! I took the dog for a nice brisk walk and then vegged and worked, worked and vegged. I was actually asleep before midnight!

I've been noticing some very interesting things about myself lately. Things are changing and I think they're good, but I'm not totally embracing the change quite yet. For instance the other day I was thinking to myself that I should go out and try new things. Now to you that might not seem so monumental, but to me it's HUGE! I order the exact same thing at a restaraunt everytime I go there. I don't deviate, I stick to what works. I take the same way home everyday. If I find a path to or from somewhere no matter if there is a back way I take it. I wear the same style of clothes, same colors, almost the same designer. I like to shop at only a few select stores for my things. My life is very regimented, very simple, not wild at all. So for me to want to try new things means that I'm probably due for a CAT scan to make sure I don't have a screw loose.

Let me give you another example. I'm a shirt and tie kinda guy (lately I've not been wearing the tie though, hmmm). I buy the same color shirts, same color ties, blue, brown, tan, and white. I have a few yellows, a marron, a black, and two greens. I actually thought to myself "Self, if I need to ever get a new shirt and tie I should buy something of a different color, maybe orange, or red, possibly even a shade of purple (my heart almost stopped, I'm just glad I didn't utter pink......no pink, ever. Period end of story.)

A week from today I have a dinner date. It's a not a date date, but it is with a female. She's a friend of mine, it's a benefit for her company. I think I'm going to try and order something different.

I was beginning to wonder why this sudden change. Why am I wanting to get out of the house more, and try all these new things. When my wife was alive I never wanted to leave the house, then it hit me. The last 4 years of our marriage she spent a total of 9 months in the hospital. That's 9 months out of 48, or 19% of our time together. When she was home, I just wanted to be with her. Spend time with only her, now that she's gone I want to spend time with other people. I want to get out of the house, instead of being a prisoner in it.

I find myself more willing to take certain risks. Financial risk isn't hard for me, I'm a finance man. I can calculate risks when investing, I can allocate a portfolio accordingly, but in other areas I'm not so confident. I can't calculate, there are no numbers. To a numbers man it's scary and unsecure territory, I have no safety net. These small changes I'm sure will open the door to larger ones, broaden my horizons and make me a more well-rounded and complete man. So change is good, I think I'm ready for it.

The Aftermath

Well with the Thanksgiving holiday behind me I usually like access the damage I caused to my waistline. I usually travel with a pair of "meat pants." These are pants with liberal give to allow for maximum gluttony. For some strange reason this year I didn't require them. I attended two different dinners (one with my wife's mother and two sisters, the other with my immediate family) neither dinner was a buffet of delights, just simple basic Thanksgiving day grub. I managed to hold myself to one piece of pie (that was not a typo, I said one and I meant one) which needs explaination since I had access to a cherry crumble pie, a homemade apple, a homemade pumpkin, and an assortment of cheese cake. I did however eat 2 giant helping of "the pink stuff", allow me to define "the pink stuff". Take one can of cherry pie filling, add a can of mandarin oranges, one can of sweeten condensed milk, and cool whip. Whip it all together and you have "the pink stuff". I've been downing this treat for well over two decades now, it is my one sure weak spot since I only partake of it once a year. So this year I didn't need meat pants, although I did end up with the "meat sweats". In the end I was still able to still fit into my pants (your definition and my defintion of fit most likely differ) Yea for me!

I had a wonderful time with my son. My former spouse's name did get mentioned a few times, but it was in the context of a joke that if she was looking down on us right now, what would she be saying. We all had a chuckle, and we all gave thanks for having her part of our life, she was a very special woman.

Christmas is coming up and my shopping is almost complete. I've got 2 more gifts to get, and I'm done. I'm quite happy with myself, I could very well be done before December hits. I'm not going to decorate the house this year. My son is still not home with me, and I'm sure the dog doesn't care if a tree is up and the snowmen and moose figurines are displayed. Since I'm not hosting Christmas this year I can get away with it.

I was very surprised about how easily it was for me to make it through this holiday. No meltdowns, no saddness, I did quite well. Christmas and her birthday (within 2 weeks of one another) may pose a challenge. I came across pictures of last year's Christmas, those of my wife and my son opening presents together, that was our first Christmas in our new home...... it was special time. The house isn't going to smell of freshly baked treats this year. Music won't be playing, and the house will be dark without the tree lit.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Makes Me Wonder

I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family tonight, and my brother's girlfriend joined us. This got me thinking........ will I ever be in that situation again? I know it may seem odd at this time to be thinking about that, but my mind has been going down that road lately. Eventually I'm going to be open to dating again, and I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, but what are the chances of finding someone who is going to fulfill me and make me happy the rest of my natural life?

I never thought I'd be in this position, ever. I wasn't supposed to be, I got married and for me it was going to be until death do us part........ and it was sooner then I thought. See my wife and I had this arrangement, I was to die first because I couldn't be alone by myself I lacked the skill set to do so. I had become so dependent upon her for everything, I would be completely lost without her. Harvard did a study that said men feel as if they've been "dismembered" when their spouse passes. They can function, just not as well.

I feel dismembered, but I'd like to not feel that way all my life. Do I need a woman to make me happy? No, absolutely not. Having a wife is a privilege, they are to be cherished, loved, cared for, and adored. I'd like to have that type of intimacy and relationship again one day. Finding it in this world is a bit difficult. Especially when you have no clue how to meet people.

I'm not a drinker so bar's are out (bad idea anyways), I've done the online thing (that's how my wife and I met) but I don't want to try that again. I go to church a lot (I'm a Deacon) but church isn't a meat market I'm not there to meet women, I'm there to serve God.

I wonder when I'll be ready...... I wonder what the rest of my life will be like. Will I live alone, or will I find love again? I would prefer the later. You may wonder why I'm talking about this now. Well, my spouse was sick for 4 years, and she didn't have the strength to be the wife I needed her to be. She did her best, and always tried to be who I needed. She put herself out there many times, too far then she should have probably. There were many times where I was a caretaker and not a husband because she couldn't receive me as a husband. I've wonder what it would be like to be married to a healthy woman at the maturity I am now. I guess we'll see what happens in the months and years to come.