Since this is my blog I have the authority to write about whatever I so desire. I found this article on CNN.com I thought it was a worthy enough piece to post in my blog.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/12/13/slainmarine.sdog.ap/index.html
It's the first of it's kind. I bomb dog was given early retirement to be adopted by the family of it's slain handler. I thought it was wonderful, especially since prior to my military retirement (due to an accident which left me disabled) I was on my way to Lackland AFB to re-train as a K-9 handler. I had spent 8 months working beside the K-9 handlers, hanging out at the kennel, going to BBQ's with them, being used in demostrations and in excercises (aka allowed the dogs to attack me; I was wearing a sleeve or suit). I'd help clean the kennels on my off time and care for the dogs. So when I heard about this I thought it would be nice to share.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Post #2 for the Day
Okay, can someone please explain to me why we as human beings exhibit destructive behavior? I would really like to know. Okay I'll start with myself and maybe if anyone out there actually reads what I am writing or comes across this site can help explain to me destructive behavior. It is illogical behavior because you only screw yourself. I'll use myself as an example. I'm not the world's healthiest eater, actually I could stand to lose a good 15-20 and trim myself up (I'd love to get my lazy behind up early every morning and hit the gym, get myself as cut and toned as I was 7 years ago but once I get my son back I can't very well leave him at home alone...back to the point). When my late wife got sick I did alot of research on herbs, supplements, and healthy eating. I started cutting out soda (high fructose corn syrup especially, terrible stuff, I've become somewhat of a label reader), desserts, candy, and junk/snack foods. I started walking the dog every night taking brisk walks. I cut milk out of my diet (not all dairy though) and switched to whole wheat pastas (I like it much better anyways). I'm a tea drinker, and I even switched my chocolate to 70% cocoa because of the flavanoids and health properties. I'm a big proponent of juice, grape, cranberry, and pomegranate. There are no resh vegetables in my fridge, not even carrots which coupled with blue cheese dressing is one of my favorite snacks. So why did I fall off the wagon?
I haven't eaten a salad in who knows when, I've been drinking soda, less water, and less green teas. Guess what my breakfast was this morning? Potato chips and a donut! I brought a soda with me for lunch, and yesterday I had Arby's ham melt and a 10pc jalapeno poppers (I HATE fast food). Oh yea and then there was McDonald's late the other night (NASTY!), and a Klondike bar last night. Can't remember the last time I did a sit-up or a push-up (been over a week). Let's see what else.....oh yea I don't sleep much anymore, stay up too late. I don't read hardly ever, my prayer life isn't as strong as before, and my study of the Bible has taken a dip. I don't work as hard as I used to on my own personal business, and I haven't written anything worthwhile in months. I recognize all of this behavior and yet I don't really care right now to change it, so what triggered all of this in my life where I just don't give a rip? You'd think I' want to improve myself not only for a potential new mate, but also for my own well-being.
Human nature is very odd, it's not so black-and-white......and that doesn't work for me.
I haven't eaten a salad in who knows when, I've been drinking soda, less water, and less green teas. Guess what my breakfast was this morning? Potato chips and a donut! I brought a soda with me for lunch, and yesterday I had Arby's ham melt and a 10pc jalapeno poppers (I HATE fast food). Oh yea and then there was McDonald's late the other night (NASTY!), and a Klondike bar last night. Can't remember the last time I did a sit-up or a push-up (been over a week). Let's see what else.....oh yea I don't sleep much anymore, stay up too late. I don't read hardly ever, my prayer life isn't as strong as before, and my study of the Bible has taken a dip. I don't work as hard as I used to on my own personal business, and I haven't written anything worthwhile in months. I recognize all of this behavior and yet I don't really care right now to change it, so what triggered all of this in my life where I just don't give a rip? You'd think I' want to improve myself not only for a potential new mate, but also for my own well-being.
Human nature is very odd, it's not so black-and-white......and that doesn't work for me.
Morning Reflections
This morning I awoke to a winter wonderland in my backyard. After getting dressed and moments before I headed out of the house I noticed that my backyard was sparkling. I gave a closer look out the window and gazed upon a breathing taking sight. Ice had covered all the grass, cattails, and tree limbs behind my house. The tall tan grass and cattails that guard my pond shimmered in the sunlight. The small grouping a trees looked as if they had been bathed in crystal and diamonds. The backyard looked as if it had been flash frozen in time. It was a sight to behold. It got my thinking about how it looks on a sunny fall day. You see the tall grass and cattails turn a gorgeous tan, the algae that covers the pond a beautiful mint-green, the sumac a firey red, and the leaves, shades of gold and orange. The sun backlights it all and adds a warm hue that brings comfort and peace. It made me want to run upstairs, change and throw on my robe, brew some hot tea and stare out the windows for hours, but then I thought what would be the point. You see I have no one to share this with, I'm alone.
I find that in life everything is better when you can share it with someone. You always have someone who can walk with you down memory lane, who was there to experience the same thing you did. Can you enjoy life on your own? Of course you can, don't be silly. Sharing however is a wonderful thing, it makes life that much sweeter. I don't have anyone to share with, and that makes me feel that much more alone. I like to share in life, share in the laughter, the sorrow, the ups and the downs. Everything is better when there is someone to share with, even if it's a dessert and you want it all to yourself, that cake has never tasted better.
I miss the companionship I shared with my late wife. I couldn't tell her everything that was going on with me because she didn't have the strength to help me bear that burden. One thing she did was made me feel amazing. Everything little thing I did for her was spectacular, or in her words....fabulous. I was the center of her world.... and even though I couldn't' share everything with her she shared it all with me. She made me feel special, she made me feel loved, and even though I couldn't have a normal life with her she did give me some type of companionship. I never realized until now how important that is to me, and how hard it is to not have that in my life. I'm sure I'll find a companion again one day, it's the wait that is killing me. I've been waiting for years to share my life with someone without reservation, I hope I don't have to wait too much longer.
I find that in life everything is better when you can share it with someone. You always have someone who can walk with you down memory lane, who was there to experience the same thing you did. Can you enjoy life on your own? Of course you can, don't be silly. Sharing however is a wonderful thing, it makes life that much sweeter. I don't have anyone to share with, and that makes me feel that much more alone. I like to share in life, share in the laughter, the sorrow, the ups and the downs. Everything is better when there is someone to share with, even if it's a dessert and you want it all to yourself, that cake has never tasted better.
I miss the companionship I shared with my late wife. I couldn't tell her everything that was going on with me because she didn't have the strength to help me bear that burden. One thing she did was made me feel amazing. Everything little thing I did for her was spectacular, or in her words....fabulous. I was the center of her world.... and even though I couldn't' share everything with her she shared it all with me. She made me feel special, she made me feel loved, and even though I couldn't have a normal life with her she did give me some type of companionship. I never realized until now how important that is to me, and how hard it is to not have that in my life. I'm sure I'll find a companion again one day, it's the wait that is killing me. I've been waiting for years to share my life with someone without reservation, I hope I don't have to wait too much longer.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Dealing with Death
I got a call last night from Songstress, one of her friends from high school passed away after a long bout with cancer. She was quite broken up about it, it hit her pretty hard because she's dealt with alot of death in her life the last several years. From the loss of a cousin, to the loss of friends and relatives of friends. Songstress was a friend of my late wife and myself, she came and visited us in the hospital when my spouse was getting her bone marrow transplant. I don't know if I ever told her, but that meant so much to me that she would go out of her way to spend time with us. Not alot of people came to see my wife, she was in isolation for over a month, but Songstress ventured out to see her. Visiting hospitals was something that I always dreaded, death hovers over that place like a cloud, sickness in every room, and hope is smothered in fear and pain. Here she was braving all that to see to it that my wife had a visitor that day, it really touched me.
Before Songstress and I got involved (we're not really involved I don't think, nothing is official we're more like friends with feelings, it's complicated) we were friends, fellow church members. Now she needs a friend, and I don't know what to do.
I know first hand about grief and loss. I had lost a child (we miscarried before birthing Little Dog), and I had lost a wife. I know what grief and loss can do to your mental and physical state, and I see what it's been doing to Songstress and even though I've been through it I don't think I'm helping. You see when you dwell so much on death, and you grieve so often you mind begins to take you down roads you have no business being on. I think it was the day of the funeral, or maybe before several people came to my house. We sat in my living room talking and joking around, laughing and telling stories. I never told them but that was such a time of joy for me, it lifted the heaviness off my shoulders, even just for a little while. I've heard stories of people who have grieved so deeply that they've died of no apparent illness. I don't think Songstress is going to grieve that deeply, but I know if you grieve too long, or if you stay down too long that it begins to negatively affect you, emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Sometimes I look at the way I relate to Songstress and I catch myself trying to protect her. I'm a very protective person by nature, and I have feelings of helplessness when I can't protect someone. My son fell down the stairs a few months back, I watched as his little body tumbled down. In a matter of seconds he was off running and laughing, I on the other hand was a wreck. I was supposed to be there for him to make sure he didn't harm himself. I would watch sometimes as my late wife had bone marrow biopsies done, I wanted to take her place, but all I could do is watch. I'm having to watch a friend go through some trying times, and I want to rescue and protect her. I'm afraid of something bad happening to her, but I have to realize that I can't save everyone. Even though I think I'm a Superman, I'm not a saviour.
Before Songstress and I got involved (we're not really involved I don't think, nothing is official we're more like friends with feelings, it's complicated) we were friends, fellow church members. Now she needs a friend, and I don't know what to do.
I know first hand about grief and loss. I had lost a child (we miscarried before birthing Little Dog), and I had lost a wife. I know what grief and loss can do to your mental and physical state, and I see what it's been doing to Songstress and even though I've been through it I don't think I'm helping. You see when you dwell so much on death, and you grieve so often you mind begins to take you down roads you have no business being on. I think it was the day of the funeral, or maybe before several people came to my house. We sat in my living room talking and joking around, laughing and telling stories. I never told them but that was such a time of joy for me, it lifted the heaviness off my shoulders, even just for a little while. I've heard stories of people who have grieved so deeply that they've died of no apparent illness. I don't think Songstress is going to grieve that deeply, but I know if you grieve too long, or if you stay down too long that it begins to negatively affect you, emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Sometimes I look at the way I relate to Songstress and I catch myself trying to protect her. I'm a very protective person by nature, and I have feelings of helplessness when I can't protect someone. My son fell down the stairs a few months back, I watched as his little body tumbled down. In a matter of seconds he was off running and laughing, I on the other hand was a wreck. I was supposed to be there for him to make sure he didn't harm himself. I would watch sometimes as my late wife had bone marrow biopsies done, I wanted to take her place, but all I could do is watch. I'm having to watch a friend go through some trying times, and I want to rescue and protect her. I'm afraid of something bad happening to her, but I have to realize that I can't save everyone. Even though I think I'm a Superman, I'm not a saviour.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Random Thought
Songstress continuously asks me if I'm sure I'm not crazy...... I am beginning to think that I just might be. I'm going to be on the look out for men in white coats, if you see any let me know!
Weekend Recap
Greetings and Salutations:
So let me give you a overview of my weekend, it was short, it was sweet, and it was bitter. Friday night was church, that's great as always. I left church and went home, fcourse being the fool that I am I fail to get off the phone with Songstress at a decent hour to ensure that I get an adequate amount of sleep. Then when I get off the phone with her, my idiot self turns on the TV and I begin watching the UFC..... until I fall asleep.
Saturday my folks brought my son home for the weekend..... It was glorious. I don't think there is anything in this world that is better then being that boy's father! My "Little Dog" is the pride and joy of my life, I could never imagine life without him. I spent Saturday chasing him around the house playing hide and peek in the closet and feeding him my pizza for dinner.
Sunday was church of course, and this time he was coming with me. That turned out to be an adventure as my son doesn't care too much to be strapped in to this carseat, wear shoes, or have a coat on. It's all too restricting for my strong willed boy! Eventually he fell asleep of course right before we got to church, so I woke him up and set him in a bad mood. Then we get to church and his Meema (his maternal grandmother) gets in his face and scares him setting him into a crying fit that continued as I dropped him off with the other children. Eventually he got better. I then met Songstress for lunch with my "Little Dog" and we had a good time together. This is the first close encounter she's ever had with him and the first time she's been face-to-face with what could be her step-son in the future. I took him home after lunch and then I loaded him up and watched him get driven off. I won't see him for another 2 weeks, and it breaks my heart.
I can take one thing away from this weekend, I got a total of 4 moochies (kisses) and numerous huggies and squeezies (hugs)...... That will have to hold me over for two weeks. It feels great because he doesn't give them out anymore..... and I got a ton this weekend. It makes me feel good that my son doesn't forget who I am; that I'm still very special to him.
So let me give you a overview of my weekend, it was short, it was sweet, and it was bitter. Friday night was church, that's great as always. I left church and went home, fcourse being the fool that I am I fail to get off the phone with Songstress at a decent hour to ensure that I get an adequate amount of sleep. Then when I get off the phone with her, my idiot self turns on the TV and I begin watching the UFC..... until I fall asleep.
Saturday my folks brought my son home for the weekend..... It was glorious. I don't think there is anything in this world that is better then being that boy's father! My "Little Dog" is the pride and joy of my life, I could never imagine life without him. I spent Saturday chasing him around the house playing hide and peek in the closet and feeding him my pizza for dinner.
Sunday was church of course, and this time he was coming with me. That turned out to be an adventure as my son doesn't care too much to be strapped in to this carseat, wear shoes, or have a coat on. It's all too restricting for my strong willed boy! Eventually he fell asleep of course right before we got to church, so I woke him up and set him in a bad mood. Then we get to church and his Meema (his maternal grandmother) gets in his face and scares him setting him into a crying fit that continued as I dropped him off with the other children. Eventually he got better. I then met Songstress for lunch with my "Little Dog" and we had a good time together. This is the first close encounter she's ever had with him and the first time she's been face-to-face with what could be her step-son in the future. I took him home after lunch and then I loaded him up and watched him get driven off. I won't see him for another 2 weeks, and it breaks my heart.
I can take one thing away from this weekend, I got a total of 4 moochies (kisses) and numerous huggies and squeezies (hugs)...... That will have to hold me over for two weeks. It feels great because he doesn't give them out anymore..... and I got a ton this weekend. It makes me feel good that my son doesn't forget who I am; that I'm still very special to him.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Today is Special
Today is a very special day, it marks the 66th anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor, Dec. 7, 1941. I'm not going to write about my grief from the loss of my late wife, I want to highlight others grief, and some of my own that comes up when I think about the treatment of our Veteran's and our Soldiers. I am a disabled vet myself, I was not injured in combat, as a matter of fact I never had the opportunity to deploy, no matter how much I begged, I never was given an assignment. I feel an emptiness because of it, I served for 4 years before I was discharged for medical reasons but I never served in the capacity which I desired to do.
Along those lines I read an article that just sunk my heart a couple weeks ago. It was of a Marine who was injured in Iraq when a roadside bomb exploded. It left him burned and badly scarred, took half his left arm, and caused optical, brain, and other trauma and injury. He ended up in a fight with the VA about his disability rating, this has been going on since 2004/2005. The story was broadcast on CNN.com here's the link for anyone interested.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/06/wounded.marine.folo/index.html
There was a MOH recipient who read the story and was so moved by what he read and it broke his heart so much that he sent this young Marine his challenge coin with the Marine emblem (globe, eagle, and anchor) with his signature and the purple heart on the back. That may not seem like much to you, but allow me to educate you on military challenge coins. They are usually given out to members of a unit, in the Air Force it's a member of a squadron. The idea behind the coin was to promote morale and pride in ones unit. If you were at the enlisted or officers club you could challenge someone else with your coin. You would pull it out and slam it on the table. Everyone else had to fashion his/her coin, anyone caught without it bought drinks, if everyone fashioned the coin the challenger bought the round. This helped to build a cohesiveness in a unit, a bond between airmen (using the Air Force term). Your challenge coins were supposed to be treasured, and for this man to give away his coin...... that means something. I myself have 2, I treasure them both. I received one while stationed in S. Dakota in the 28th Civil Engineering Squadron, in the Prime B.E.E.F. unit, and I received a second one while augmenting the 28th Security Forces unit, that one I treasure the most because the military police unit I was with for 8 months felt that I was worthy to be called one of their own even though I wasn't officially in their unit.
This story and the countless others, the "church" that celebrates at the funerals and at the deaths of our Soldiers, Marines, Seamen, and Airmen as well as the poor conditions our older vets have to endure in the VA hospitals brings me much grief. Alot of the time it moves me to tears. I have been asked several times over the years how happy I must be to not be enlisted anymore and not serving in wartime. My response...... 50/50. I am glad that I'm not serving because of my son, I don't have to be separated from him. If I did not have a child.... I'd want to be in uniform with my bags packed ready to deploy at a moments notice. I still consider them my brothers and sisters, a family that others do not understand. Marines say it best...... Once a Marine, always a Marine. I feel the same way.
Today as the world forgets about the lives of the men and women who perished at Pearl Harbor 66 years ago and those who have given their lives since take some time to reflect on their grief, and ask yourself if you can make their lives any easier.
Along those lines I read an article that just sunk my heart a couple weeks ago. It was of a Marine who was injured in Iraq when a roadside bomb exploded. It left him burned and badly scarred, took half his left arm, and caused optical, brain, and other trauma and injury. He ended up in a fight with the VA about his disability rating, this has been going on since 2004/2005. The story was broadcast on CNN.com here's the link for anyone interested.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/06/wounded.marine.folo/index.html
There was a MOH recipient who read the story and was so moved by what he read and it broke his heart so much that he sent this young Marine his challenge coin with the Marine emblem (globe, eagle, and anchor) with his signature and the purple heart on the back. That may not seem like much to you, but allow me to educate you on military challenge coins. They are usually given out to members of a unit, in the Air Force it's a member of a squadron. The idea behind the coin was to promote morale and pride in ones unit. If you were at the enlisted or officers club you could challenge someone else with your coin. You would pull it out and slam it on the table. Everyone else had to fashion his/her coin, anyone caught without it bought drinks, if everyone fashioned the coin the challenger bought the round. This helped to build a cohesiveness in a unit, a bond between airmen (using the Air Force term). Your challenge coins were supposed to be treasured, and for this man to give away his coin...... that means something. I myself have 2, I treasure them both. I received one while stationed in S. Dakota in the 28th Civil Engineering Squadron, in the Prime B.E.E.F. unit, and I received a second one while augmenting the 28th Security Forces unit, that one I treasure the most because the military police unit I was with for 8 months felt that I was worthy to be called one of their own even though I wasn't officially in their unit.
This story and the countless others, the "church" that celebrates at the funerals and at the deaths of our Soldiers, Marines, Seamen, and Airmen as well as the poor conditions our older vets have to endure in the VA hospitals brings me much grief. Alot of the time it moves me to tears. I have been asked several times over the years how happy I must be to not be enlisted anymore and not serving in wartime. My response...... 50/50. I am glad that I'm not serving because of my son, I don't have to be separated from him. If I did not have a child.... I'd want to be in uniform with my bags packed ready to deploy at a moments notice. I still consider them my brothers and sisters, a family that others do not understand. Marines say it best...... Once a Marine, always a Marine. I feel the same way.
Today as the world forgets about the lives of the men and women who perished at Pearl Harbor 66 years ago and those who have given their lives since take some time to reflect on their grief, and ask yourself if you can make their lives any easier.
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