2 Hrs and 20 Min!!! yes you read eright, that's how long it took me to get to work, and to boot I nearly got in an accident when a Polaris semi-truck jumped in front of me and nearly nailed my truck with his trailer. I had to hit the brakes which caused me to slide a bit, thankfully I stayed in my lane. I hate my commute, I really really do!
Well Christmas is now less then 3 weeks away, and I'm actually looking forward to it. I've already finished my shopping, except for the office exchange gift. It was done in November which is a goal of mine every year. So far I'm not dreading this being the first Christmas without my late wife. I'm more excited about what life has in store for me beyond this point that it doesn't matter. I got through Thanksgiving pretty fine, and I'm looking to watching my son open presents again this year, and enjoy his new books and toys. The house still isn't decorated, and it won't be decorated this year. I do dread thinking about dragging the 3-4 plastic storage bins full of Christmas stuff up from the basement, dragging a tree into the house, vacuuming needles, decorating and then taking it all down. I struggle enough with trying to keep the houseplants alive that I don't want to dry out the tree and have it be consumed in a blaze ala National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. House burning to the ground on Christmas..... very bad!
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Another Monday Night
Last night was bogus! I invited a couple of buddies over to watch the game and most of them bailed on me! Completely bogus! That's okay because the game was too, could the refs have given Baltimore the shaft anymore then they already did? It was ridiculous, next week everything should be back to normal as far as Monday Night's go. You see the guys get together and get rowdy (I'm sure I've explained this before) we blow off steam, and if the game is lousy we work. The wives gather and go out to eat but before they do they feed us and let us be. It's therapeutic for me to have a guys night every week, it helps alot. Makes me be social, which I am finding I enjoy alot more then I used to.
Well today is Tuesday obviously and I have a dinner date (not a date date, it's a benefit dinner) with Songstress. Things are well let's say "interesting" in that arena of my life. We're not supposed to be dating, we're only supposed to be friends. We both have strong feelings for one another, but we're not supposed to. Things have been very up and down lately and I think that we're heading to a rather in depth talk, funny thing is we're only supposed to be platonic friends and we shouldn't be having these kinds of talks. Now someone might question as to why I have feelings for someone since my spouse only passed away 2 months ago. Well let me get into it a little bit.
Have you ever been married to a cancer patient? It's like being married to someone who is having an affair and you know about the affair but you can't do anything about it. It's always there and it steals your spouses time, conversation, energy, and thought from off of you. My late wife didn't die suddenly, she slowly died over four years. I spent as I've stated before almost 20% of our time together the last 4 years away from her. I spent alot of time as a caregiver rather then a husband because even though she was my wife, she lacked the strength to be one. I love her, always have and always will but now my life is about moving on, healing for the last four years, and starting a new life, investing in my new reality. So if you want to judge me, okay go ahead. If you think I'm crazy sure, think that, but you need to come see the t-shirt I got from the last 4 years and then make the call.
I supposed I should get some work done before dinner and the in depth conversation I'll have over dinner. Have a wonderful Tuesday.... catch you tomorrow.
Well today is Tuesday obviously and I have a dinner date (not a date date, it's a benefit dinner) with Songstress. Things are well let's say "interesting" in that arena of my life. We're not supposed to be dating, we're only supposed to be friends. We both have strong feelings for one another, but we're not supposed to. Things have been very up and down lately and I think that we're heading to a rather in depth talk, funny thing is we're only supposed to be platonic friends and we shouldn't be having these kinds of talks. Now someone might question as to why I have feelings for someone since my spouse only passed away 2 months ago. Well let me get into it a little bit.
Have you ever been married to a cancer patient? It's like being married to someone who is having an affair and you know about the affair but you can't do anything about it. It's always there and it steals your spouses time, conversation, energy, and thought from off of you. My late wife didn't die suddenly, she slowly died over four years. I spent as I've stated before almost 20% of our time together the last 4 years away from her. I spent alot of time as a caregiver rather then a husband because even though she was my wife, she lacked the strength to be one. I love her, always have and always will but now my life is about moving on, healing for the last four years, and starting a new life, investing in my new reality. So if you want to judge me, okay go ahead. If you think I'm crazy sure, think that, but you need to come see the t-shirt I got from the last 4 years and then make the call.
I supposed I should get some work done before dinner and the in depth conversation I'll have over dinner. Have a wonderful Tuesday.... catch you tomorrow.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Reflections on this weekend
Don't let the title of the entry scare you, this isn't going to be deep, it's actually going to be very shallow. Here are some of my reflections:
1. Why is it that I live in a state with such a great amount of snowfall annually yet I don't enjoy any winter activities?
2. Why do the people who live in the state I live in and are used to the winter weather still manage to lack the ability to navigate in it?
3. Why is the college BCS system so flawed that it allowed 2 loss LSU to play 1 loss OSU for the title game?
4. Do people really know who I am? (I'll touch on that one later)
5. Why do the idiots that plow my neighborhood plow my driveway in?
6. Ah crap.... it's another day closer to Monday
7. Songstress can really mess me up at times. (no details, sorry)
So anyways this is what my weekend looked like. I sopent the weekend at church which for me is not unusual. I also spent it shoveling out my driveway, did wonders for my back. Anyways, I was at church all weekend because we held a Single's Conference and since I'm a single man I thought I should attend. It was very odd, since all my friends are married men, being around single men and women was something new. The single men in my church (at least the ones who attended) seem to lack confidence, and some lack that and personality. I'm not able to articulate how it is this way, but it just is. I'm used to being around married men and the guys I hang with are conquerers, dominators, 100% men. They love their wives, raise their children, are after a better life, educated, and make things happen. The single men that were there just seem to exist..... different dynamic. Maybe it's because I was married and I can't relate, but people did see a side of me this weekend that they had never seen before. (see #4)
I've been gone from church for about a year now. Ever since my late spouse got sick it has been difficult to make it to church on a regular basis. I was asked to teach a seminar this weekend, in front of about 30-40 people. Some who I know, and others who have never met me. My real personality came out because I was in my element. I was teaching something that I take interest in, I was speaking publically (which for me has never been a problem), and I had the floor all to myself without interuption. I think I shocked a few people with my exuberance and energy, see I'm a very intense and passionate person and when I get started it's hard to slow me down.
Other then that my weekend was fairly calm, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm back to being sane (lost some sanity last week) and we're plugging forward ever moving towards the mark.
1. Why is it that I live in a state with such a great amount of snowfall annually yet I don't enjoy any winter activities?
2. Why do the people who live in the state I live in and are used to the winter weather still manage to lack the ability to navigate in it?
3. Why is the college BCS system so flawed that it allowed 2 loss LSU to play 1 loss OSU for the title game?
4. Do people really know who I am? (I'll touch on that one later)
5. Why do the idiots that plow my neighborhood plow my driveway in?
6. Ah crap.... it's another day closer to Monday
7. Songstress can really mess me up at times. (no details, sorry)
So anyways this is what my weekend looked like. I sopent the weekend at church which for me is not unusual. I also spent it shoveling out my driveway, did wonders for my back. Anyways, I was at church all weekend because we held a Single's Conference and since I'm a single man I thought I should attend. It was very odd, since all my friends are married men, being around single men and women was something new. The single men in my church (at least the ones who attended) seem to lack confidence, and some lack that and personality. I'm not able to articulate how it is this way, but it just is. I'm used to being around married men and the guys I hang with are conquerers, dominators, 100% men. They love their wives, raise their children, are after a better life, educated, and make things happen. The single men that were there just seem to exist..... different dynamic. Maybe it's because I was married and I can't relate, but people did see a side of me this weekend that they had never seen before. (see #4)
I've been gone from church for about a year now. Ever since my late spouse got sick it has been difficult to make it to church on a regular basis. I was asked to teach a seminar this weekend, in front of about 30-40 people. Some who I know, and others who have never met me. My real personality came out because I was in my element. I was teaching something that I take interest in, I was speaking publically (which for me has never been a problem), and I had the floor all to myself without interuption. I think I shocked a few people with my exuberance and energy, see I'm a very intense and passionate person and when I get started it's hard to slow me down.
Other then that my weekend was fairly calm, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm back to being sane (lost some sanity last week) and we're plugging forward ever moving towards the mark.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Questions
I have been wondering ever since this morning why I am writing so much about my life and being so open to what could at some point be an audience larger then what I'd desire. Why do I share such intimate details about my life. This is the only thing I can come up with. I lack the courage to talk about it openly with another human being.
I think that I write on this blog everything I wish I could say out loud. I have editing capabilities, and if I don't want something shared I can type it, get it out of my system and then erase it. It's hard to erase something you've said, you just can't take it back.
Here's another question I have about myself: Why do I seek loneliness, when that's the one thing I don't want? What has caused me to alienate friends? I had the opportunity last night to hang out with some friends and watch football, I declined stating that I had things to do around the house. After taking my dog for our evening walk, I sat at home and did nothing the rest of the night (outside taking down the pictures). I had wonderful plans for this weekend with "Songstress" that I was looking forward to, but I cancelled them at the last moment for no good reason. Ever since I said good-bye to my late wife, I haven't quite been the same. Walking to the patch of dirt that covers her final resting place really took a toll on me. I poured out everything that I had kept hidden from her. I told her of the developments in my life, and then I told her I'd come back some day, but I wouldn't talk with her anymore. I gave up the last remaining thread of intimacy I had with another human being. I realized that I could talk all day long to her, but she'd never respond to me. Now I have no one around, and that's all I had wanted for the last 7 months was someone to share my life with.
From the studies and journals I've read about those who have lost a spouse/loved one I can recognize that I'm reverting back a bit. From my understanding it's common. If you've noticed my previous moods and entries have been on the lighter side. I think the sudden sense of loneliness has taken over, it was like a todal wave and it caught me off guard, and now I'm feeding it everything it wants. Tomorrow I'm sure will be a better day, I'll probably feel much better about things. This back and forth really grades on my nerves, makes me feel bi-polar...... I think that is why I'm keeping everyone at arms length, it's a nasty rollercoaster ride and I don't want to make anyone sick.
I think that I write on this blog everything I wish I could say out loud. I have editing capabilities, and if I don't want something shared I can type it, get it out of my system and then erase it. It's hard to erase something you've said, you just can't take it back.
Here's another question I have about myself: Why do I seek loneliness, when that's the one thing I don't want? What has caused me to alienate friends? I had the opportunity last night to hang out with some friends and watch football, I declined stating that I had things to do around the house. After taking my dog for our evening walk, I sat at home and did nothing the rest of the night (outside taking down the pictures). I had wonderful plans for this weekend with "Songstress" that I was looking forward to, but I cancelled them at the last moment for no good reason. Ever since I said good-bye to my late wife, I haven't quite been the same. Walking to the patch of dirt that covers her final resting place really took a toll on me. I poured out everything that I had kept hidden from her. I told her of the developments in my life, and then I told her I'd come back some day, but I wouldn't talk with her anymore. I gave up the last remaining thread of intimacy I had with another human being. I realized that I could talk all day long to her, but she'd never respond to me. Now I have no one around, and that's all I had wanted for the last 7 months was someone to share my life with.
From the studies and journals I've read about those who have lost a spouse/loved one I can recognize that I'm reverting back a bit. From my understanding it's common. If you've noticed my previous moods and entries have been on the lighter side. I think the sudden sense of loneliness has taken over, it was like a todal wave and it caught me off guard, and now I'm feeding it everything it wants. Tomorrow I'm sure will be a better day, I'll probably feel much better about things. This back and forth really grades on my nerves, makes me feel bi-polar...... I think that is why I'm keeping everyone at arms length, it's a nasty rollercoaster ride and I don't want to make anyone sick.
When the Loneliness Creeps In Pt. 2
This is a continuation from the previous post.
To recap, I've felt alone for probably 7 months now even though I was married. My late wife was in a coma for 4 weeks before she passed, I never got to talk with her, she never could talk back to me. My son is almost 300 miles away from me, I see him for less then 48 hours every 2 weeks. Then there is her.
Her is a friend of mine... well she's supposed to be my friend, but tell that to my heart. Since I don't use names, and I call myself YW (Young Widower) I'm going to call her "Songstress" since I don't want to refer to her as "Her".
I've known Songstress for probably 4 years now. We weren't ever very close, but it wasn't like we were total strangers either. She's the woman I ended up on a date with, I don't want to go into detail about how or why, at least not now. It's funny the way I feel about her, I wonder often if I'm just completely crazy (chances are I'm at least slightly crazy). I know that nothing can transpire now, and maybe not for awhile. I felt the same way about my late wife when I met her, and that scares me. I kept trying to push away my late wife for fear of hurting her, or maybe it was for fear of me getting hurt, not quite sure because I never sought a therapist. Me and Songstress talk..... alot. We talk until the wee hours in the morning, go to work and I unload on her e-mail inbox with random thoughts that come to my head. You see it's nice to have some one who is healthy to talk to. My wife wasn't, I was afraid she'd worried or try to do too much if I told her everything that was going on with me. I was afraid that it would impede on her recovery and add more stress to her life. Songstress however is cancer-free, and is a terrific listener. She reminds me alot of my late wife, many similar qualities and characteristics, that makes things so much harder for me.
See I've waited for 4 years to get my wife back, but she passed on. I waited so long to live a normal life and to have someone who could recieve me and I didn't have to hold back with. Unfortunately as I've stated before I have to hold back.... and because of that I'm finding myself getting closed off. It's been an emotional week for me. The stress of getting my truck fixed and the bill that followed. Leaving my son again, realizing I'm not as good off as I thought I was. Now it's nearly December and Christmas is around the corner. A snow storm is set to hit where I live, a perfect opportunity to stay in bed where it's warm. To drink hot cocoa by the fireplace and watch the snow fill my pond. I had invited Songstress over to see my pond (not a metaphor, I have a drainage pond in my backyard that attracts various water fowl and wildlife. It's the home to a family of muskrats) we were going to watch a movie and maybe play games, but I don't want to drag her into the mess that I am right now. Speaking of fireplaces, did I tell you about my mantle? It was once home to many pictures of my wife and me, now only a few remain. I also pitched her meds, and put away some of her things. I figured that the house didn't need to be a monument to her, because if I kept it that way I'd never move on. It was hard gathering all those pictures, some remain, maybe two of us and three of her and my son. The candle that honored and burned at her funeral sits up there, but that's it. I need to make room for more memories, and more pictures but doing that last night was hard, necessary but hard.
I thought the emotional rollercoaster would end with the passing of my wife, but I was wrong, I just got on a different ride. I know that things will improve over time, that maybe just maybe I can find happiness with Songstress, or at least find a way to be her friend. I know that this week has been a rough week, and things will be better. They say time is the best healer, but I grow impatient I've waited a long time I don't want to wait anymore.
To recap, I've felt alone for probably 7 months now even though I was married. My late wife was in a coma for 4 weeks before she passed, I never got to talk with her, she never could talk back to me. My son is almost 300 miles away from me, I see him for less then 48 hours every 2 weeks. Then there is her.
Her is a friend of mine... well she's supposed to be my friend, but tell that to my heart. Since I don't use names, and I call myself YW (Young Widower) I'm going to call her "Songstress" since I don't want to refer to her as "Her".
I've known Songstress for probably 4 years now. We weren't ever very close, but it wasn't like we were total strangers either. She's the woman I ended up on a date with, I don't want to go into detail about how or why, at least not now. It's funny the way I feel about her, I wonder often if I'm just completely crazy (chances are I'm at least slightly crazy). I know that nothing can transpire now, and maybe not for awhile. I felt the same way about my late wife when I met her, and that scares me. I kept trying to push away my late wife for fear of hurting her, or maybe it was for fear of me getting hurt, not quite sure because I never sought a therapist. Me and Songstress talk..... alot. We talk until the wee hours in the morning, go to work and I unload on her e-mail inbox with random thoughts that come to my head. You see it's nice to have some one who is healthy to talk to. My wife wasn't, I was afraid she'd worried or try to do too much if I told her everything that was going on with me. I was afraid that it would impede on her recovery and add more stress to her life. Songstress however is cancer-free, and is a terrific listener. She reminds me alot of my late wife, many similar qualities and characteristics, that makes things so much harder for me.
See I've waited for 4 years to get my wife back, but she passed on. I waited so long to live a normal life and to have someone who could recieve me and I didn't have to hold back with. Unfortunately as I've stated before I have to hold back.... and because of that I'm finding myself getting closed off. It's been an emotional week for me. The stress of getting my truck fixed and the bill that followed. Leaving my son again, realizing I'm not as good off as I thought I was. Now it's nearly December and Christmas is around the corner. A snow storm is set to hit where I live, a perfect opportunity to stay in bed where it's warm. To drink hot cocoa by the fireplace and watch the snow fill my pond. I had invited Songstress over to see my pond (not a metaphor, I have a drainage pond in my backyard that attracts various water fowl and wildlife. It's the home to a family of muskrats) we were going to watch a movie and maybe play games, but I don't want to drag her into the mess that I am right now. Speaking of fireplaces, did I tell you about my mantle? It was once home to many pictures of my wife and me, now only a few remain. I also pitched her meds, and put away some of her things. I figured that the house didn't need to be a monument to her, because if I kept it that way I'd never move on. It was hard gathering all those pictures, some remain, maybe two of us and three of her and my son. The candle that honored and burned at her funeral sits up there, but that's it. I need to make room for more memories, and more pictures but doing that last night was hard, necessary but hard.
I thought the emotional rollercoaster would end with the passing of my wife, but I was wrong, I just got on a different ride. I know that things will improve over time, that maybe just maybe I can find happiness with Songstress, or at least find a way to be her friend. I know that this week has been a rough week, and things will be better. They say time is the best healer, but I grow impatient I've waited a long time I don't want to wait anymore.
When the Loneliness Creeps In Pt. 1
I got my truck back today, it's driving a bit stiff but with a new drive line I'm sure it'll loosen up in time.
**Warning** This may be a very long post, if I deem it to be too long I'll break it up into parts.
So.... where do I begin. I've been lonely for quite some time. My late wife passed in October of this year but I've been lonely for much longer then that. It started probably in April when the doctor asked my wife if she wanted to continue treatment because it didn't look like they'd get her into remission long enough to have the transplant. I was sitting with my son staring at her while the doctor asked her if she wanted to die. We switched doctors and dropped my wife off at a new hospital over 2 hours away. I would visit with our son every weekend, spending Saturday nights in the room with her on a pullout couch. This went on for 4 weeks. Because the time in between remission and relapse kept getting shorter she went back into the hospital about 2 weeks after she returned home. She was in the hospital again for almost 2 months, during that time her lungs began bleeding and she was touch and go. She wasn't home for more then 4 months before she went back in again. During that time though she had recieved so much chemotherapy and radiation that she could barely function at times. Even though she was there with me she wasn't. You see my wife was having an affair, cancer had stolen her away from me and I couldnt' stop it. I was in a three entity marriage, and I was very much alone.
So it's been about 7 months of loneliness for me, add that to the many months of seperation between us as she was in the hospital. Now the separation is permanent, at least for now. Add this to the fact that my son isn't with me..... especially during this holiday season. I'm not a fan of Christmas as I've mentioned before, but there are certain things as a parent that you are supposed to enjoy. There is a holiday parade that is put on where I live, I've never been. Lived here 7 years and I've never been. I though maybe he'd like to go see it with me this year, but I don't think that'll happen. My mother told me they're taking him this weekend to see Santa for the first time, I'll miss that too. I'm missing all of his developments, and these are times I'll never get back with him. I received an e-mail from my mother stating that she wasn't thrilled about me putting my son in daycare, and the horrors of doing so. She then suggested that I leave him with them a little longer, this after asking me if I was missing him terribly. I called him yesterday just to talk to him, to hear him press the buttons on the phone, and maybe if I was lucky hear him let out a gleeful squeal as he ran through the house.
**Warning** This may be a very long post, if I deem it to be too long I'll break it up into parts.
So.... where do I begin. I've been lonely for quite some time. My late wife passed in October of this year but I've been lonely for much longer then that. It started probably in April when the doctor asked my wife if she wanted to continue treatment because it didn't look like they'd get her into remission long enough to have the transplant. I was sitting with my son staring at her while the doctor asked her if she wanted to die. We switched doctors and dropped my wife off at a new hospital over 2 hours away. I would visit with our son every weekend, spending Saturday nights in the room with her on a pullout couch. This went on for 4 weeks. Because the time in between remission and relapse kept getting shorter she went back into the hospital about 2 weeks after she returned home. She was in the hospital again for almost 2 months, during that time her lungs began bleeding and she was touch and go. She wasn't home for more then 4 months before she went back in again. During that time though she had recieved so much chemotherapy and radiation that she could barely function at times. Even though she was there with me she wasn't. You see my wife was having an affair, cancer had stolen her away from me and I couldnt' stop it. I was in a three entity marriage, and I was very much alone.
So it's been about 7 months of loneliness for me, add that to the many months of seperation between us as she was in the hospital. Now the separation is permanent, at least for now. Add this to the fact that my son isn't with me..... especially during this holiday season. I'm not a fan of Christmas as I've mentioned before, but there are certain things as a parent that you are supposed to enjoy. There is a holiday parade that is put on where I live, I've never been. Lived here 7 years and I've never been. I though maybe he'd like to go see it with me this year, but I don't think that'll happen. My mother told me they're taking him this weekend to see Santa for the first time, I'll miss that too. I'm missing all of his developments, and these are times I'll never get back with him. I received an e-mail from my mother stating that she wasn't thrilled about me putting my son in daycare, and the horrors of doing so. She then suggested that I leave him with them a little longer, this after asking me if I was missing him terribly. I called him yesterday just to talk to him, to hear him press the buttons on the phone, and maybe if I was lucky hear him let out a gleeful squeal as he ran through the house.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Recent Developments
Well yesterday if you hadn't noticed there was no post, that is because my truck decided it was going to throw a fit and cost me a arm and a leg to get fixed. I never made it to work which is where I usually write my entries. I was quite surprised with my response to the knowledge of finding out that I might have had to sell my son to pay for the repairs. Usually I would have flipped out and panicked.... but after what I've been through what's the point?
So now I'm tooling around in this 05/06 Corolla wondering if my behind is dragging across the ground and if I need to "Flintstone" it to get it up to speed. Merging is a bear because this thing lacks the power ypick-up has, but it's only temporary.
So yesterday I finally said "good-bye" to my late wife. I had done this several times before, but this was different. I went to visit her grave, and I told her things I had never told her before. I then explained to her that I needed to move on in my life, and that although I love her, my life is still continuing on this earth. Since I'm still here...... I need to get to work. I told her I'd visit the grave with my son every so often, maybe once or twice a year, but I wouldn't be talking with her anymore because it's just not healthy. This was a big deal for me, because it means that I truly accept her passing and acknowledge that my life needs to start again. I've got a son, a house, a career, and my life to put back together and in order. I have to understand that I'm going to do that alone. Tonight when I get home I'm going to take down some of the pictures I have on the mantle over my fireplace. That area of the house is like a monument to her and our life together. She was a MAJOR part of my life, 7 years worth, but that segment of the journey is over I see no need to try and relive it. I want to remember it fondly yet I don't want to dwell in the past and miss the present and future. Some pictures will go up to my son's room, some will remain on the mantle, but I have to make room for new memories, new experiences, and new pictures on that mantle. There has to be room for something else.
So I met with my Pastor yesterday, and we talked at length about this next phase in my journey. We brought up re-marriage and dating. This was birthed out of the fact that I ended up on a date about aweekand a half ago. That was what I called "interesting" in one of my previous posts. This date was purely by accident I thought it was innocent and we were just two people hanging out on a Saturday night..... I was wrong. My Pastor knew that this happened because I had told him last week. So we dicussed this and why I'm not ready. I honestly thought I was okay with trying a date or two on a very casual basis, but he pointed out something that I had not realized. Even though it's been 2 months now, and that because of our circumstance I was very prepared for her passing, I still wasn't totally healed. I had dealt with my grief but healing was not complete. He likened it to an athlete who tears their ACL. They feel great and believe they can play, but if they come back too soon they're going to wreck their health. So we decided in the mean time that I'd be ineligible and we'd probably discuss this again in April/May and by then I might be ready to get back into the game.
So these are the latest developments in my life. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend planned.
So now I'm tooling around in this 05/06 Corolla wondering if my behind is dragging across the ground and if I need to "Flintstone" it to get it up to speed. Merging is a bear because this thing lacks the power ypick-up has, but it's only temporary.
So yesterday I finally said "good-bye" to my late wife. I had done this several times before, but this was different. I went to visit her grave, and I told her things I had never told her before. I then explained to her that I needed to move on in my life, and that although I love her, my life is still continuing on this earth. Since I'm still here...... I need to get to work. I told her I'd visit the grave with my son every so often, maybe once or twice a year, but I wouldn't be talking with her anymore because it's just not healthy. This was a big deal for me, because it means that I truly accept her passing and acknowledge that my life needs to start again. I've got a son, a house, a career, and my life to put back together and in order. I have to understand that I'm going to do that alone. Tonight when I get home I'm going to take down some of the pictures I have on the mantle over my fireplace. That area of the house is like a monument to her and our life together. She was a MAJOR part of my life, 7 years worth, but that segment of the journey is over I see no need to try and relive it. I want to remember it fondly yet I don't want to dwell in the past and miss the present and future. Some pictures will go up to my son's room, some will remain on the mantle, but I have to make room for new memories, new experiences, and new pictures on that mantle. There has to be room for something else.
So I met with my Pastor yesterday, and we talked at length about this next phase in my journey. We brought up re-marriage and dating. This was birthed out of the fact that I ended up on a date about aweekand a half ago. That was what I called "interesting" in one of my previous posts. This date was purely by accident I thought it was innocent and we were just two people hanging out on a Saturday night..... I was wrong. My Pastor knew that this happened because I had told him last week. So we dicussed this and why I'm not ready. I honestly thought I was okay with trying a date or two on a very casual basis, but he pointed out something that I had not realized. Even though it's been 2 months now, and that because of our circumstance I was very prepared for her passing, I still wasn't totally healed. I had dealt with my grief but healing was not complete. He likened it to an athlete who tears their ACL. They feel great and believe they can play, but if they come back too soon they're going to wreck their health. So we decided in the mean time that I'd be ineligible and we'd probably discuss this again in April/May and by then I might be ready to get back into the game.
So these are the latest developments in my life. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend planned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
