Well yesterday if you hadn't noticed there was no post, that is because my truck decided it was going to throw a fit and cost me a arm and a leg to get fixed. I never made it to work which is where I usually write my entries. I was quite surprised with my response to the knowledge of finding out that I might have had to sell my son to pay for the repairs. Usually I would have flipped out and panicked.... but after what I've been through what's the point?
So now I'm tooling around in this 05/06 Corolla wondering if my behind is dragging across the ground and if I need to "Flintstone" it to get it up to speed. Merging is a bear because this thing lacks the power ypick-up has, but it's only temporary.
So yesterday I finally said "good-bye" to my late wife. I had done this several times before, but this was different. I went to visit her grave, and I told her things I had never told her before. I then explained to her that I needed to move on in my life, and that although I love her, my life is still continuing on this earth. Since I'm still here...... I need to get to work. I told her I'd visit the grave with my son every so often, maybe once or twice a year, but I wouldn't be talking with her anymore because it's just not healthy. This was a big deal for me, because it means that I truly accept her passing and acknowledge that my life needs to start again. I've got a son, a house, a career, and my life to put back together and in order. I have to understand that I'm going to do that alone. Tonight when I get home I'm going to take down some of the pictures I have on the mantle over my fireplace. That area of the house is like a monument to her and our life together. She was a MAJOR part of my life, 7 years worth, but that segment of the journey is over I see no need to try and relive it. I want to remember it fondly yet I don't want to dwell in the past and miss the present and future. Some pictures will go up to my son's room, some will remain on the mantle, but I have to make room for new memories, new experiences, and new pictures on that mantle. There has to be room for something else.
So I met with my Pastor yesterday, and we talked at length about this next phase in my journey. We brought up re-marriage and dating. This was birthed out of the fact that I ended up on a date about aweekand a half ago. That was what I called "interesting" in one of my previous posts. This date was purely by accident I thought it was innocent and we were just two people hanging out on a Saturday night..... I was wrong. My Pastor knew that this happened because I had told him last week. So we dicussed this and why I'm not ready. I honestly thought I was okay with trying a date or two on a very casual basis, but he pointed out something that I had not realized. Even though it's been 2 months now, and that because of our circumstance I was very prepared for her passing, I still wasn't totally healed. I had dealt with my grief but healing was not complete. He likened it to an athlete who tears their ACL. They feel great and believe they can play, but if they come back too soon they're going to wreck their health. So we decided in the mean time that I'd be ineligible and we'd probably discuss this again in April/May and by then I might be ready to get back into the game.
So these are the latest developments in my life. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend planned.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Change is good.......right?
What a terrible game last night! There hasn't been a good MNF game since the Oct 29th debacle of Broncos v. Packers where the Bronco secondary blew it in OT. Last night was supposed to be Men's Monday Night Football at a friend's house. Every monday a few of us guys get together in his "Man Cave" (aka the basement) while the wives cook us up food and let us act like a bunch of untamed gorillas while they gather upstairs and watch CSI or something. Last night I couldn't attend because I had some excess work I needed to accomplish, guess how much I got done? Yea that's right almost nothing! I took the dog for a nice brisk walk and then vegged and worked, worked and vegged. I was actually asleep before midnight!
I've been noticing some very interesting things about myself lately. Things are changing and I think they're good, but I'm not totally embracing the change quite yet. For instance the other day I was thinking to myself that I should go out and try new things. Now to you that might not seem so monumental, but to me it's HUGE! I order the exact same thing at a restaraunt everytime I go there. I don't deviate, I stick to what works. I take the same way home everyday. If I find a path to or from somewhere no matter if there is a back way I take it. I wear the same style of clothes, same colors, almost the same designer. I like to shop at only a few select stores for my things. My life is very regimented, very simple, not wild at all. So for me to want to try new things means that I'm probably due for a CAT scan to make sure I don't have a screw loose.
Let me give you another example. I'm a shirt and tie kinda guy (lately I've not been wearing the tie though, hmmm). I buy the same color shirts, same color ties, blue, brown, tan, and white. I have a few yellows, a marron, a black, and two greens. I actually thought to myself "Self, if I need to ever get a new shirt and tie I should buy something of a different color, maybe orange, or red, possibly even a shade of purple (my heart almost stopped, I'm just glad I didn't utter pink......no pink, ever. Period end of story.)
A week from today I have a dinner date. It's a not a date date, but it is with a female. She's a friend of mine, it's a benefit for her company. I think I'm going to try and order something different.
I was beginning to wonder why this sudden change. Why am I wanting to get out of the house more, and try all these new things. When my wife was alive I never wanted to leave the house, then it hit me. The last 4 years of our marriage she spent a total of 9 months in the hospital. That's 9 months out of 48, or 19% of our time together. When she was home, I just wanted to be with her. Spend time with only her, now that she's gone I want to spend time with other people. I want to get out of the house, instead of being a prisoner in it.
I find myself more willing to take certain risks. Financial risk isn't hard for me, I'm a finance man. I can calculate risks when investing, I can allocate a portfolio accordingly, but in other areas I'm not so confident. I can't calculate, there are no numbers. To a numbers man it's scary and unsecure territory, I have no safety net. These small changes I'm sure will open the door to larger ones, broaden my horizons and make me a more well-rounded and complete man. So change is good, I think I'm ready for it.
I've been noticing some very interesting things about myself lately. Things are changing and I think they're good, but I'm not totally embracing the change quite yet. For instance the other day I was thinking to myself that I should go out and try new things. Now to you that might not seem so monumental, but to me it's HUGE! I order the exact same thing at a restaraunt everytime I go there. I don't deviate, I stick to what works. I take the same way home everyday. If I find a path to or from somewhere no matter if there is a back way I take it. I wear the same style of clothes, same colors, almost the same designer. I like to shop at only a few select stores for my things. My life is very regimented, very simple, not wild at all. So for me to want to try new things means that I'm probably due for a CAT scan to make sure I don't have a screw loose.
Let me give you another example. I'm a shirt and tie kinda guy (lately I've not been wearing the tie though, hmmm). I buy the same color shirts, same color ties, blue, brown, tan, and white. I have a few yellows, a marron, a black, and two greens. I actually thought to myself "Self, if I need to ever get a new shirt and tie I should buy something of a different color, maybe orange, or red, possibly even a shade of purple (my heart almost stopped, I'm just glad I didn't utter pink......no pink, ever. Period end of story.)
A week from today I have a dinner date. It's a not a date date, but it is with a female. She's a friend of mine, it's a benefit for her company. I think I'm going to try and order something different.
I was beginning to wonder why this sudden change. Why am I wanting to get out of the house more, and try all these new things. When my wife was alive I never wanted to leave the house, then it hit me. The last 4 years of our marriage she spent a total of 9 months in the hospital. That's 9 months out of 48, or 19% of our time together. When she was home, I just wanted to be with her. Spend time with only her, now that she's gone I want to spend time with other people. I want to get out of the house, instead of being a prisoner in it.
I find myself more willing to take certain risks. Financial risk isn't hard for me, I'm a finance man. I can calculate risks when investing, I can allocate a portfolio accordingly, but in other areas I'm not so confident. I can't calculate, there are no numbers. To a numbers man it's scary and unsecure territory, I have no safety net. These small changes I'm sure will open the door to larger ones, broaden my horizons and make me a more well-rounded and complete man. So change is good, I think I'm ready for it.
Monday, November 26, 2007
The Aftermath
Well with the Thanksgiving holiday behind me I usually like access the damage I caused to my waistline. I usually travel with a pair of "meat pants." These are pants with liberal give to allow for maximum gluttony. For some strange reason this year I didn't require them. I attended two different dinners (one with my wife's mother and two sisters, the other with my immediate family) neither dinner was a buffet of delights, just simple basic Thanksgiving day grub. I managed to hold myself to one piece of pie (that was not a typo, I said one and I meant one) which needs explaination since I had access to a cherry crumble pie, a homemade apple, a homemade pumpkin, and an assortment of cheese cake. I did however eat 2 giant helping of "the pink stuff", allow me to define "the pink stuff". Take one can of cherry pie filling, add a can of mandarin oranges, one can of sweeten condensed milk, and cool whip. Whip it all together and you have "the pink stuff". I've been downing this treat for well over two decades now, it is my one sure weak spot since I only partake of it once a year. So this year I didn't need meat pants, although I did end up with the "meat sweats". In the end I was still able to still fit into my pants (your definition and my defintion of fit most likely differ) Yea for me!
I had a wonderful time with my son. My former spouse's name did get mentioned a few times, but it was in the context of a joke that if she was looking down on us right now, what would she be saying. We all had a chuckle, and we all gave thanks for having her part of our life, she was a very special woman.
Christmas is coming up and my shopping is almost complete. I've got 2 more gifts to get, and I'm done. I'm quite happy with myself, I could very well be done before December hits. I'm not going to decorate the house this year. My son is still not home with me, and I'm sure the dog doesn't care if a tree is up and the snowmen and moose figurines are displayed. Since I'm not hosting Christmas this year I can get away with it.
I was very surprised about how easily it was for me to make it through this holiday. No meltdowns, no saddness, I did quite well. Christmas and her birthday (within 2 weeks of one another) may pose a challenge. I came across pictures of last year's Christmas, those of my wife and my son opening presents together, that was our first Christmas in our new home...... it was special time. The house isn't going to smell of freshly baked treats this year. Music won't be playing, and the house will be dark without the tree lit.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day!
I had a wonderful time with my son. My former spouse's name did get mentioned a few times, but it was in the context of a joke that if she was looking down on us right now, what would she be saying. We all had a chuckle, and we all gave thanks for having her part of our life, she was a very special woman.
Christmas is coming up and my shopping is almost complete. I've got 2 more gifts to get, and I'm done. I'm quite happy with myself, I could very well be done before December hits. I'm not going to decorate the house this year. My son is still not home with me, and I'm sure the dog doesn't care if a tree is up and the snowmen and moose figurines are displayed. Since I'm not hosting Christmas this year I can get away with it.
I was very surprised about how easily it was for me to make it through this holiday. No meltdowns, no saddness, I did quite well. Christmas and her birthday (within 2 weeks of one another) may pose a challenge. I came across pictures of last year's Christmas, those of my wife and my son opening presents together, that was our first Christmas in our new home...... it was special time. The house isn't going to smell of freshly baked treats this year. Music won't be playing, and the house will be dark without the tree lit.
I hope everyone has a wonderful day!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Makes Me Wonder
I celebrated Thanksgiving with my family tonight, and my brother's girlfriend joined us. This got me thinking........ will I ever be in that situation again? I know it may seem odd at this time to be thinking about that, but my mind has been going down that road lately. Eventually I'm going to be open to dating again, and I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, but what are the chances of finding someone who is going to fulfill me and make me happy the rest of my natural life?
I never thought I'd be in this position, ever. I wasn't supposed to be, I got married and for me it was going to be until death do us part........ and it was sooner then I thought. See my wife and I had this arrangement, I was to die first because I couldn't be alone by myself I lacked the skill set to do so. I had become so dependent upon her for everything, I would be completely lost without her. Harvard did a study that said men feel as if they've been "dismembered" when their spouse passes. They can function, just not as well.
I feel dismembered, but I'd like to not feel that way all my life. Do I need a woman to make me happy? No, absolutely not. Having a wife is a privilege, they are to be cherished, loved, cared for, and adored. I'd like to have that type of intimacy and relationship again one day. Finding it in this world is a bit difficult. Especially when you have no clue how to meet people.
I'm not a drinker so bar's are out (bad idea anyways), I've done the online thing (that's how my wife and I met) but I don't want to try that again. I go to church a lot (I'm a Deacon) but church isn't a meat market I'm not there to meet women, I'm there to serve God.
I wonder when I'll be ready...... I wonder what the rest of my life will be like. Will I live alone, or will I find love again? I would prefer the later. You may wonder why I'm talking about this now. Well, my spouse was sick for 4 years, and she didn't have the strength to be the wife I needed her to be. She did her best, and always tried to be who I needed. She put herself out there many times, too far then she should have probably. There were many times where I was a caretaker and not a husband because she couldn't receive me as a husband. I've wonder what it would be like to be married to a healthy woman at the maturity I am now. I guess we'll see what happens in the months and years to come.
I never thought I'd be in this position, ever. I wasn't supposed to be, I got married and for me it was going to be until death do us part........ and it was sooner then I thought. See my wife and I had this arrangement, I was to die first because I couldn't be alone by myself I lacked the skill set to do so. I had become so dependent upon her for everything, I would be completely lost without her. Harvard did a study that said men feel as if they've been "dismembered" when their spouse passes. They can function, just not as well.
I feel dismembered, but I'd like to not feel that way all my life. Do I need a woman to make me happy? No, absolutely not. Having a wife is a privilege, they are to be cherished, loved, cared for, and adored. I'd like to have that type of intimacy and relationship again one day. Finding it in this world is a bit difficult. Especially when you have no clue how to meet people.
I'm not a drinker so bar's are out (bad idea anyways), I've done the online thing (that's how my wife and I met) but I don't want to try that again. I go to church a lot (I'm a Deacon) but church isn't a meat market I'm not there to meet women, I'm there to serve God.
I wonder when I'll be ready...... I wonder what the rest of my life will be like. Will I live alone, or will I find love again? I would prefer the later. You may wonder why I'm talking about this now. Well, my spouse was sick for 4 years, and she didn't have the strength to be the wife I needed her to be. She did her best, and always tried to be who I needed. She put herself out there many times, too far then she should have probably. There were many times where I was a caretaker and not a husband because she couldn't receive me as a husband. I've wonder what it would be like to be married to a healthy woman at the maturity I am now. I guess we'll see what happens in the months and years to come.
Why My Life is So Good
I arrived at my folks last night in enough time to play with my son. I had the best time! He's so big now, and he's changed so much in the last two weeks. It really breaks my heart that I've missed all this time and the new things he's doing I haven't been able to experience. For instance he's putting his "silky" (blanket) around his shoulders like he's SuperBoy. He says "book" "ish" (fish), and "duck" I've only heard "duck" and that was this morning. Speaking of which let me tell you about this morning.
A really good friend of mine texted me last night at around 11:30pm (this is a good enough friend to get away with that) well it happened to have woken my son up since we're staying in the same room. Being the dad that I am, I grabbed him out of his bed and brought him into mine. I knew that I wouldn't get great sleep because my son is a mover and shaker. Sure enough he didn't disappoint, he moved me over to the edge of the bed before I got fed up and about 5 am moved him over to his original side. I heard him shifting this morning and decided to let him be just in case he'd conk out again. He got quiet so I decided to open my eyes and see what he was up to. When I opened my eyes I saw one of the greatest things a man could ever see. Here he was resting his head on the pillow, staring back at me. If it wasn't such a beautiful sight, I would have wept.
I haven't shared my bed with anyone since my wife went into the hospital. Last night was the first time in over two months that I've slept in the same bed as another person. Prior to that the best experience waking up was to my wife. Her back to me, I would wake up and wrap my arms around her waist pulling her close to me and then bury me face in her hair. This morning I woke up to his big blue eyes..... he got them from his mother. His little nose (my contribution) and his short cut hair with a big cowlick in the middle (not sure where that came from).
It's moments like those that make everything worthwhile. It was so brief a moment that I wouldn't have had time to capture it with anything but my memory. I love being a father...... I don't think outside of a husband there is a greater position I could ever occupy. So I want to give a BIG THANK YOU, to the friend who texted messaged me late last night, without that I would have never had the morning I did.
FYI - I suggested everyone get the song "No One" by Alicia Keys, and if you don't like her style and music I think you have a screw loose. She's a tremendous artist.
Breakfast is ready and I might weigh in on more of how I feel later on when my boy is asleep. Until then enjoy your day...... I'm loving mine!
A really good friend of mine texted me last night at around 11:30pm (this is a good enough friend to get away with that) well it happened to have woken my son up since we're staying in the same room. Being the dad that I am, I grabbed him out of his bed and brought him into mine. I knew that I wouldn't get great sleep because my son is a mover and shaker. Sure enough he didn't disappoint, he moved me over to the edge of the bed before I got fed up and about 5 am moved him over to his original side. I heard him shifting this morning and decided to let him be just in case he'd conk out again. He got quiet so I decided to open my eyes and see what he was up to. When I opened my eyes I saw one of the greatest things a man could ever see. Here he was resting his head on the pillow, staring back at me. If it wasn't such a beautiful sight, I would have wept.
I haven't shared my bed with anyone since my wife went into the hospital. Last night was the first time in over two months that I've slept in the same bed as another person. Prior to that the best experience waking up was to my wife. Her back to me, I would wake up and wrap my arms around her waist pulling her close to me and then bury me face in her hair. This morning I woke up to his big blue eyes..... he got them from his mother. His little nose (my contribution) and his short cut hair with a big cowlick in the middle (not sure where that came from).
It's moments like those that make everything worthwhile. It was so brief a moment that I wouldn't have had time to capture it with anything but my memory. I love being a father...... I don't think outside of a husband there is a greater position I could ever occupy. So I want to give a BIG THANK YOU, to the friend who texted messaged me late last night, without that I would have never had the morning I did.
FYI - I suggested everyone get the song "No One" by Alicia Keys, and if you don't like her style and music I think you have a screw loose. She's a tremendous artist.
Breakfast is ready and I might weigh in on more of how I feel later on when my boy is asleep. Until then enjoy your day...... I'm loving mine!
Friday, November 23, 2007
Why I do this
My first posts told a bit about why I blog, but why do it for all teh world to see? Well because the resources and materials available for men like me completely suck eggs. Being a widower and single father at my age is a very rare cirsumstance.
I write because I don't want people to be my dumping ground, a friend of mine told me that quite emphatically. They'd be their support and listen, but to get the full brunt of my emotional wave wasn't fair to them. The blog I read helped me to realize that I'm not alone, and that I'm not crazy. Sometimes you think you are because you do stuff that gets most people a clean new white jacket that allows them to get a hug from their own arms 24 hr a day. Things like talking to myself, or having conversations with people that aren't there but continuing on as if they are. Taking multiple "mental vacations" and forgetting where you're going, saying, and/or doing at moment in time. Staring into space for min on end and avoiding sleep because you don't know what you'll dream. I've done it all..... experienced it all it seems, and new craziness comes up every so often.
It's important to know you're "normal" and belong. Grief seems to destroy the very fiber of ones being, so being able to read someone else's experience, recovery, and in the end the victory helps those still going through or facing the impending trial. So why allow the world to share with me? Because there might be one man out there going through, who feels as if he's alone, pal ..... you're not alone, and you're not crazy either!
I write because I don't want people to be my dumping ground, a friend of mine told me that quite emphatically. They'd be their support and listen, but to get the full brunt of my emotional wave wasn't fair to them. The blog I read helped me to realize that I'm not alone, and that I'm not crazy. Sometimes you think you are because you do stuff that gets most people a clean new white jacket that allows them to get a hug from their own arms 24 hr a day. Things like talking to myself, or having conversations with people that aren't there but continuing on as if they are. Taking multiple "mental vacations" and forgetting where you're going, saying, and/or doing at moment in time. Staring into space for min on end and avoiding sleep because you don't know what you'll dream. I've done it all..... experienced it all it seems, and new craziness comes up every so often.
It's important to know you're "normal" and belong. Grief seems to destroy the very fiber of ones being, so being able to read someone else's experience, recovery, and in the end the victory helps those still going through or facing the impending trial. So why allow the world to share with me? Because there might be one man out there going through, who feels as if he's alone, pal ..... you're not alone, and you're not crazy either!
So Far So Good
Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I managed to make it through. Actually I didn't just manage I actually blew it's doors off. I didn't shed a single tear, I almost did though when I called my parents to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving (I'm headed out there today) and they put my son on the phone, and before I could say 'hello' he hung up on me! Talk about a blow to the Daddy Ego!
I'm having some well let's just say "interesting" developments in my life..... none of which I want to share with anyone right now. Check back in a few weeks or months and I'll elobarate on them.
As I stated I am heading out to my parents for Thanksgiving today after work (the company believes that it's workers only need 6 paid holidays a year). I have been missing my boy ever since I strapped him into my parents car and watched them drive off nearly 2 weeks ago.
I'm heading into what might be the hardest 2 months of being a widower. Christmas and my wife's birthday. I'm not worried about Valentine's Day because everyday she was my valentine. Christmas though was her holiday, she'd bake and cook, decorate and sing all day long. The tree would be out by now and the decorations brought up from the basement, about 3-4 storage tubs worth. That is unless we decide on a real tree. There's a tree farm about 5 miles from our home that we would go to every year. Hot apple cider, honey sticks, and an ornament every year is what we'd get in addition to the tree. They'd take your picture with it and the next year when you came back for your tree they'd give you the picture from the previous year. They display them all in there retail store on the property. It was a tradition that I enjoyed (I'm not a Christmas fan, it's lost it's meaning, become too commercial and I have some not-so-fond memories from my youth).
So what will this widower be doing for Christmas? Probably visiting the grave of his deceased spouse, making hot cocoa, sitting in front of the fireplace and watch movies all day. You see my company is so wonderful (see above) that I have to work the 24th and 26th. So I'll be at my folks the weekend before Christmas to celebrate. I'll watch the live-action version of 'The Grinch" (only holiday movie I care for) and then maybe a marathon of my guy movies!
2 weeks after Christmas is my wife's birthday.... she would have been 30 and this year we were going to have a blow-out bash. It's on a Tuesday, so I'll be at work and it'll help distract.
One good piece of news, I think I'm going to bring back my dog this weekend. I miss her, I could use some company around the house. She's BIG, hairy, and warm. I stick my feet under her when I'm cold and she's does a great job of insulating! She was a birthday gift from my wife when we rented our first house. I trained her myself and she's the most well-behaved 80 lb+ dog I've ever known.
I'm sure I'll weigh in on my weekend when I get back, until then enjoy your weekend and those left-over turkey sandwiches!
I'm having some well let's just say "interesting" developments in my life..... none of which I want to share with anyone right now. Check back in a few weeks or months and I'll elobarate on them.
As I stated I am heading out to my parents for Thanksgiving today after work (the company believes that it's workers only need 6 paid holidays a year). I have been missing my boy ever since I strapped him into my parents car and watched them drive off nearly 2 weeks ago.
I'm heading into what might be the hardest 2 months of being a widower. Christmas and my wife's birthday. I'm not worried about Valentine's Day because everyday she was my valentine. Christmas though was her holiday, she'd bake and cook, decorate and sing all day long. The tree would be out by now and the decorations brought up from the basement, about 3-4 storage tubs worth. That is unless we decide on a real tree. There's a tree farm about 5 miles from our home that we would go to every year. Hot apple cider, honey sticks, and an ornament every year is what we'd get in addition to the tree. They'd take your picture with it and the next year when you came back for your tree they'd give you the picture from the previous year. They display them all in there retail store on the property. It was a tradition that I enjoyed (I'm not a Christmas fan, it's lost it's meaning, become too commercial and I have some not-so-fond memories from my youth).
So what will this widower be doing for Christmas? Probably visiting the grave of his deceased spouse, making hot cocoa, sitting in front of the fireplace and watch movies all day. You see my company is so wonderful (see above) that I have to work the 24th and 26th. So I'll be at my folks the weekend before Christmas to celebrate. I'll watch the live-action version of 'The Grinch" (only holiday movie I care for) and then maybe a marathon of my guy movies!
2 weeks after Christmas is my wife's birthday.... she would have been 30 and this year we were going to have a blow-out bash. It's on a Tuesday, so I'll be at work and it'll help distract.
One good piece of news, I think I'm going to bring back my dog this weekend. I miss her, I could use some company around the house. She's BIG, hairy, and warm. I stick my feet under her when I'm cold and she's does a great job of insulating! She was a birthday gift from my wife when we rented our first house. I trained her myself and she's the most well-behaved 80 lb+ dog I've ever known.
I'm sure I'll weigh in on my weekend when I get back, until then enjoy your weekend and those left-over turkey sandwiches!
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