I got a call last night from Songstress, one of her friends from high school passed away after a long bout with cancer. She was quite broken up about it, it hit her pretty hard because she's dealt with alot of death in her life the last several years. From the loss of a cousin, to the loss of friends and relatives of friends. Songstress was a friend of my late wife and myself, she came and visited us in the hospital when my spouse was getting her bone marrow transplant. I don't know if I ever told her, but that meant so much to me that she would go out of her way to spend time with us. Not alot of people came to see my wife, she was in isolation for over a month, but Songstress ventured out to see her. Visiting hospitals was something that I always dreaded, death hovers over that place like a cloud, sickness in every room, and hope is smothered in fear and pain. Here she was braving all that to see to it that my wife had a visitor that day, it really touched me.
Before Songstress and I got involved (we're not really involved I don't think, nothing is official we're more like friends with feelings, it's complicated) we were friends, fellow church members. Now she needs a friend, and I don't know what to do.
I know first hand about grief and loss. I had lost a child (we miscarried before birthing Little Dog), and I had lost a wife. I know what grief and loss can do to your mental and physical state, and I see what it's been doing to Songstress and even though I've been through it I don't think I'm helping. You see when you dwell so much on death, and you grieve so often you mind begins to take you down roads you have no business being on. I think it was the day of the funeral, or maybe before several people came to my house. We sat in my living room talking and joking around, laughing and telling stories. I never told them but that was such a time of joy for me, it lifted the heaviness off my shoulders, even just for a little while. I've heard stories of people who have grieved so deeply that they've died of no apparent illness. I don't think Songstress is going to grieve that deeply, but I know if you grieve too long, or if you stay down too long that it begins to negatively affect you, emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Sometimes I look at the way I relate to Songstress and I catch myself trying to protect her. I'm a very protective person by nature, and I have feelings of helplessness when I can't protect someone. My son fell down the stairs a few months back, I watched as his little body tumbled down. In a matter of seconds he was off running and laughing, I on the other hand was a wreck. I was supposed to be there for him to make sure he didn't harm himself. I would watch sometimes as my late wife had bone marrow biopsies done, I wanted to take her place, but all I could do is watch. I'm having to watch a friend go through some trying times, and I want to rescue and protect her. I'm afraid of something bad happening to her, but I have to realize that I can't save everyone. Even though I think I'm a Superman, I'm not a saviour.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Random Thought
Songstress continuously asks me if I'm sure I'm not crazy...... I am beginning to think that I just might be. I'm going to be on the look out for men in white coats, if you see any let me know!
Weekend Recap
Greetings and Salutations:
So let me give you a overview of my weekend, it was short, it was sweet, and it was bitter. Friday night was church, that's great as always. I left church and went home, fcourse being the fool that I am I fail to get off the phone with Songstress at a decent hour to ensure that I get an adequate amount of sleep. Then when I get off the phone with her, my idiot self turns on the TV and I begin watching the UFC..... until I fall asleep.
Saturday my folks brought my son home for the weekend..... It was glorious. I don't think there is anything in this world that is better then being that boy's father! My "Little Dog" is the pride and joy of my life, I could never imagine life without him. I spent Saturday chasing him around the house playing hide and peek in the closet and feeding him my pizza for dinner.
Sunday was church of course, and this time he was coming with me. That turned out to be an adventure as my son doesn't care too much to be strapped in to this carseat, wear shoes, or have a coat on. It's all too restricting for my strong willed boy! Eventually he fell asleep of course right before we got to church, so I woke him up and set him in a bad mood. Then we get to church and his Meema (his maternal grandmother) gets in his face and scares him setting him into a crying fit that continued as I dropped him off with the other children. Eventually he got better. I then met Songstress for lunch with my "Little Dog" and we had a good time together. This is the first close encounter she's ever had with him and the first time she's been face-to-face with what could be her step-son in the future. I took him home after lunch and then I loaded him up and watched him get driven off. I won't see him for another 2 weeks, and it breaks my heart.
I can take one thing away from this weekend, I got a total of 4 moochies (kisses) and numerous huggies and squeezies (hugs)...... That will have to hold me over for two weeks. It feels great because he doesn't give them out anymore..... and I got a ton this weekend. It makes me feel good that my son doesn't forget who I am; that I'm still very special to him.
So let me give you a overview of my weekend, it was short, it was sweet, and it was bitter. Friday night was church, that's great as always. I left church and went home, fcourse being the fool that I am I fail to get off the phone with Songstress at a decent hour to ensure that I get an adequate amount of sleep. Then when I get off the phone with her, my idiot self turns on the TV and I begin watching the UFC..... until I fall asleep.
Saturday my folks brought my son home for the weekend..... It was glorious. I don't think there is anything in this world that is better then being that boy's father! My "Little Dog" is the pride and joy of my life, I could never imagine life without him. I spent Saturday chasing him around the house playing hide and peek in the closet and feeding him my pizza for dinner.
Sunday was church of course, and this time he was coming with me. That turned out to be an adventure as my son doesn't care too much to be strapped in to this carseat, wear shoes, or have a coat on. It's all too restricting for my strong willed boy! Eventually he fell asleep of course right before we got to church, so I woke him up and set him in a bad mood. Then we get to church and his Meema (his maternal grandmother) gets in his face and scares him setting him into a crying fit that continued as I dropped him off with the other children. Eventually he got better. I then met Songstress for lunch with my "Little Dog" and we had a good time together. This is the first close encounter she's ever had with him and the first time she's been face-to-face with what could be her step-son in the future. I took him home after lunch and then I loaded him up and watched him get driven off. I won't see him for another 2 weeks, and it breaks my heart.
I can take one thing away from this weekend, I got a total of 4 moochies (kisses) and numerous huggies and squeezies (hugs)...... That will have to hold me over for two weeks. It feels great because he doesn't give them out anymore..... and I got a ton this weekend. It makes me feel good that my son doesn't forget who I am; that I'm still very special to him.
Friday, December 7, 2007
Today is Special
Today is a very special day, it marks the 66th anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor, Dec. 7, 1941. I'm not going to write about my grief from the loss of my late wife, I want to highlight others grief, and some of my own that comes up when I think about the treatment of our Veteran's and our Soldiers. I am a disabled vet myself, I was not injured in combat, as a matter of fact I never had the opportunity to deploy, no matter how much I begged, I never was given an assignment. I feel an emptiness because of it, I served for 4 years before I was discharged for medical reasons but I never served in the capacity which I desired to do.
Along those lines I read an article that just sunk my heart a couple weeks ago. It was of a Marine who was injured in Iraq when a roadside bomb exploded. It left him burned and badly scarred, took half his left arm, and caused optical, brain, and other trauma and injury. He ended up in a fight with the VA about his disability rating, this has been going on since 2004/2005. The story was broadcast on CNN.com here's the link for anyone interested.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/06/wounded.marine.folo/index.html
There was a MOH recipient who read the story and was so moved by what he read and it broke his heart so much that he sent this young Marine his challenge coin with the Marine emblem (globe, eagle, and anchor) with his signature and the purple heart on the back. That may not seem like much to you, but allow me to educate you on military challenge coins. They are usually given out to members of a unit, in the Air Force it's a member of a squadron. The idea behind the coin was to promote morale and pride in ones unit. If you were at the enlisted or officers club you could challenge someone else with your coin. You would pull it out and slam it on the table. Everyone else had to fashion his/her coin, anyone caught without it bought drinks, if everyone fashioned the coin the challenger bought the round. This helped to build a cohesiveness in a unit, a bond between airmen (using the Air Force term). Your challenge coins were supposed to be treasured, and for this man to give away his coin...... that means something. I myself have 2, I treasure them both. I received one while stationed in S. Dakota in the 28th Civil Engineering Squadron, in the Prime B.E.E.F. unit, and I received a second one while augmenting the 28th Security Forces unit, that one I treasure the most because the military police unit I was with for 8 months felt that I was worthy to be called one of their own even though I wasn't officially in their unit.
This story and the countless others, the "church" that celebrates at the funerals and at the deaths of our Soldiers, Marines, Seamen, and Airmen as well as the poor conditions our older vets have to endure in the VA hospitals brings me much grief. Alot of the time it moves me to tears. I have been asked several times over the years how happy I must be to not be enlisted anymore and not serving in wartime. My response...... 50/50. I am glad that I'm not serving because of my son, I don't have to be separated from him. If I did not have a child.... I'd want to be in uniform with my bags packed ready to deploy at a moments notice. I still consider them my brothers and sisters, a family that others do not understand. Marines say it best...... Once a Marine, always a Marine. I feel the same way.
Today as the world forgets about the lives of the men and women who perished at Pearl Harbor 66 years ago and those who have given their lives since take some time to reflect on their grief, and ask yourself if you can make their lives any easier.
Along those lines I read an article that just sunk my heart a couple weeks ago. It was of a Marine who was injured in Iraq when a roadside bomb exploded. It left him burned and badly scarred, took half his left arm, and caused optical, brain, and other trauma and injury. He ended up in a fight with the VA about his disability rating, this has been going on since 2004/2005. The story was broadcast on CNN.com here's the link for anyone interested.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/06/wounded.marine.folo/index.html
There was a MOH recipient who read the story and was so moved by what he read and it broke his heart so much that he sent this young Marine his challenge coin with the Marine emblem (globe, eagle, and anchor) with his signature and the purple heart on the back. That may not seem like much to you, but allow me to educate you on military challenge coins. They are usually given out to members of a unit, in the Air Force it's a member of a squadron. The idea behind the coin was to promote morale and pride in ones unit. If you were at the enlisted or officers club you could challenge someone else with your coin. You would pull it out and slam it on the table. Everyone else had to fashion his/her coin, anyone caught without it bought drinks, if everyone fashioned the coin the challenger bought the round. This helped to build a cohesiveness in a unit, a bond between airmen (using the Air Force term). Your challenge coins were supposed to be treasured, and for this man to give away his coin...... that means something. I myself have 2, I treasure them both. I received one while stationed in S. Dakota in the 28th Civil Engineering Squadron, in the Prime B.E.E.F. unit, and I received a second one while augmenting the 28th Security Forces unit, that one I treasure the most because the military police unit I was with for 8 months felt that I was worthy to be called one of their own even though I wasn't officially in their unit.
This story and the countless others, the "church" that celebrates at the funerals and at the deaths of our Soldiers, Marines, Seamen, and Airmen as well as the poor conditions our older vets have to endure in the VA hospitals brings me much grief. Alot of the time it moves me to tears. I have been asked several times over the years how happy I must be to not be enlisted anymore and not serving in wartime. My response...... 50/50. I am glad that I'm not serving because of my son, I don't have to be separated from him. If I did not have a child.... I'd want to be in uniform with my bags packed ready to deploy at a moments notice. I still consider them my brothers and sisters, a family that others do not understand. Marines say it best...... Once a Marine, always a Marine. I feel the same way.
Today as the world forgets about the lives of the men and women who perished at Pearl Harbor 66 years ago and those who have given their lives since take some time to reflect on their grief, and ask yourself if you can make their lives any easier.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
I hate my commute
2 Hrs and 20 Min!!! yes you read eright, that's how long it took me to get to work, and to boot I nearly got in an accident when a Polaris semi-truck jumped in front of me and nearly nailed my truck with his trailer. I had to hit the brakes which caused me to slide a bit, thankfully I stayed in my lane. I hate my commute, I really really do!
Well Christmas is now less then 3 weeks away, and I'm actually looking forward to it. I've already finished my shopping, except for the office exchange gift. It was done in November which is a goal of mine every year. So far I'm not dreading this being the first Christmas without my late wife. I'm more excited about what life has in store for me beyond this point that it doesn't matter. I got through Thanksgiving pretty fine, and I'm looking to watching my son open presents again this year, and enjoy his new books and toys. The house still isn't decorated, and it won't be decorated this year. I do dread thinking about dragging the 3-4 plastic storage bins full of Christmas stuff up from the basement, dragging a tree into the house, vacuuming needles, decorating and then taking it all down. I struggle enough with trying to keep the houseplants alive that I don't want to dry out the tree and have it be consumed in a blaze ala National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. House burning to the ground on Christmas..... very bad!
Well Christmas is now less then 3 weeks away, and I'm actually looking forward to it. I've already finished my shopping, except for the office exchange gift. It was done in November which is a goal of mine every year. So far I'm not dreading this being the first Christmas without my late wife. I'm more excited about what life has in store for me beyond this point that it doesn't matter. I got through Thanksgiving pretty fine, and I'm looking to watching my son open presents again this year, and enjoy his new books and toys. The house still isn't decorated, and it won't be decorated this year. I do dread thinking about dragging the 3-4 plastic storage bins full of Christmas stuff up from the basement, dragging a tree into the house, vacuuming needles, decorating and then taking it all down. I struggle enough with trying to keep the houseplants alive that I don't want to dry out the tree and have it be consumed in a blaze ala National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. House burning to the ground on Christmas..... very bad!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Another Monday Night
Last night was bogus! I invited a couple of buddies over to watch the game and most of them bailed on me! Completely bogus! That's okay because the game was too, could the refs have given Baltimore the shaft anymore then they already did? It was ridiculous, next week everything should be back to normal as far as Monday Night's go. You see the guys get together and get rowdy (I'm sure I've explained this before) we blow off steam, and if the game is lousy we work. The wives gather and go out to eat but before they do they feed us and let us be. It's therapeutic for me to have a guys night every week, it helps alot. Makes me be social, which I am finding I enjoy alot more then I used to.
Well today is Tuesday obviously and I have a dinner date (not a date date, it's a benefit dinner) with Songstress. Things are well let's say "interesting" in that arena of my life. We're not supposed to be dating, we're only supposed to be friends. We both have strong feelings for one another, but we're not supposed to. Things have been very up and down lately and I think that we're heading to a rather in depth talk, funny thing is we're only supposed to be platonic friends and we shouldn't be having these kinds of talks. Now someone might question as to why I have feelings for someone since my spouse only passed away 2 months ago. Well let me get into it a little bit.
Have you ever been married to a cancer patient? It's like being married to someone who is having an affair and you know about the affair but you can't do anything about it. It's always there and it steals your spouses time, conversation, energy, and thought from off of you. My late wife didn't die suddenly, she slowly died over four years. I spent as I've stated before almost 20% of our time together the last 4 years away from her. I spent alot of time as a caregiver rather then a husband because even though she was my wife, she lacked the strength to be one. I love her, always have and always will but now my life is about moving on, healing for the last four years, and starting a new life, investing in my new reality. So if you want to judge me, okay go ahead. If you think I'm crazy sure, think that, but you need to come see the t-shirt I got from the last 4 years and then make the call.
I supposed I should get some work done before dinner and the in depth conversation I'll have over dinner. Have a wonderful Tuesday.... catch you tomorrow.
Well today is Tuesday obviously and I have a dinner date (not a date date, it's a benefit dinner) with Songstress. Things are well let's say "interesting" in that arena of my life. We're not supposed to be dating, we're only supposed to be friends. We both have strong feelings for one another, but we're not supposed to. Things have been very up and down lately and I think that we're heading to a rather in depth talk, funny thing is we're only supposed to be platonic friends and we shouldn't be having these kinds of talks. Now someone might question as to why I have feelings for someone since my spouse only passed away 2 months ago. Well let me get into it a little bit.
Have you ever been married to a cancer patient? It's like being married to someone who is having an affair and you know about the affair but you can't do anything about it. It's always there and it steals your spouses time, conversation, energy, and thought from off of you. My late wife didn't die suddenly, she slowly died over four years. I spent as I've stated before almost 20% of our time together the last 4 years away from her. I spent alot of time as a caregiver rather then a husband because even though she was my wife, she lacked the strength to be one. I love her, always have and always will but now my life is about moving on, healing for the last four years, and starting a new life, investing in my new reality. So if you want to judge me, okay go ahead. If you think I'm crazy sure, think that, but you need to come see the t-shirt I got from the last 4 years and then make the call.
I supposed I should get some work done before dinner and the in depth conversation I'll have over dinner. Have a wonderful Tuesday.... catch you tomorrow.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Reflections on this weekend
Don't let the title of the entry scare you, this isn't going to be deep, it's actually going to be very shallow. Here are some of my reflections:
1. Why is it that I live in a state with such a great amount of snowfall annually yet I don't enjoy any winter activities?
2. Why do the people who live in the state I live in and are used to the winter weather still manage to lack the ability to navigate in it?
3. Why is the college BCS system so flawed that it allowed 2 loss LSU to play 1 loss OSU for the title game?
4. Do people really know who I am? (I'll touch on that one later)
5. Why do the idiots that plow my neighborhood plow my driveway in?
6. Ah crap.... it's another day closer to Monday
7. Songstress can really mess me up at times. (no details, sorry)
So anyways this is what my weekend looked like. I sopent the weekend at church which for me is not unusual. I also spent it shoveling out my driveway, did wonders for my back. Anyways, I was at church all weekend because we held a Single's Conference and since I'm a single man I thought I should attend. It was very odd, since all my friends are married men, being around single men and women was something new. The single men in my church (at least the ones who attended) seem to lack confidence, and some lack that and personality. I'm not able to articulate how it is this way, but it just is. I'm used to being around married men and the guys I hang with are conquerers, dominators, 100% men. They love their wives, raise their children, are after a better life, educated, and make things happen. The single men that were there just seem to exist..... different dynamic. Maybe it's because I was married and I can't relate, but people did see a side of me this weekend that they had never seen before. (see #4)
I've been gone from church for about a year now. Ever since my late spouse got sick it has been difficult to make it to church on a regular basis. I was asked to teach a seminar this weekend, in front of about 30-40 people. Some who I know, and others who have never met me. My real personality came out because I was in my element. I was teaching something that I take interest in, I was speaking publically (which for me has never been a problem), and I had the floor all to myself without interuption. I think I shocked a few people with my exuberance and energy, see I'm a very intense and passionate person and when I get started it's hard to slow me down.
Other then that my weekend was fairly calm, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm back to being sane (lost some sanity last week) and we're plugging forward ever moving towards the mark.
1. Why is it that I live in a state with such a great amount of snowfall annually yet I don't enjoy any winter activities?
2. Why do the people who live in the state I live in and are used to the winter weather still manage to lack the ability to navigate in it?
3. Why is the college BCS system so flawed that it allowed 2 loss LSU to play 1 loss OSU for the title game?
4. Do people really know who I am? (I'll touch on that one later)
5. Why do the idiots that plow my neighborhood plow my driveway in?
6. Ah crap.... it's another day closer to Monday
7. Songstress can really mess me up at times. (no details, sorry)
So anyways this is what my weekend looked like. I sopent the weekend at church which for me is not unusual. I also spent it shoveling out my driveway, did wonders for my back. Anyways, I was at church all weekend because we held a Single's Conference and since I'm a single man I thought I should attend. It was very odd, since all my friends are married men, being around single men and women was something new. The single men in my church (at least the ones who attended) seem to lack confidence, and some lack that and personality. I'm not able to articulate how it is this way, but it just is. I'm used to being around married men and the guys I hang with are conquerers, dominators, 100% men. They love their wives, raise their children, are after a better life, educated, and make things happen. The single men that were there just seem to exist..... different dynamic. Maybe it's because I was married and I can't relate, but people did see a side of me this weekend that they had never seen before. (see #4)
I've been gone from church for about a year now. Ever since my late spouse got sick it has been difficult to make it to church on a regular basis. I was asked to teach a seminar this weekend, in front of about 30-40 people. Some who I know, and others who have never met me. My real personality came out because I was in my element. I was teaching something that I take interest in, I was speaking publically (which for me has never been a problem), and I had the floor all to myself without interuption. I think I shocked a few people with my exuberance and energy, see I'm a very intense and passionate person and when I get started it's hard to slow me down.
Other then that my weekend was fairly calm, nothing out of the ordinary. I'm back to being sane (lost some sanity last week) and we're plugging forward ever moving towards the mark.
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