Why I do this

My first posts told a bit about why I blog, but why do it for all teh world to see? Well because the resources and materials available for men like me completely suck eggs. Being a widower and single father at my age is a very rare cirsumstance.

I write because I don't want people to be my dumping ground, a friend of mine told me that quite emphatically. They'd be their support and listen, but to get the full brunt of my emotional wave wasn't fair to them. The blog I read helped me to realize that I'm not alone, and that I'm not crazy. Sometimes you think you are because you do stuff that gets most people a clean new white jacket that allows them to get a hug from their own arms 24 hr a day. Things like talking to myself, or having conversations with people that aren't there but continuing on as if they are. Taking multiple "mental vacations" and forgetting where you're going, saying, and/or doing at moment in time. Staring into space for min on end and avoiding sleep because you don't know what you'll dream. I've done it all..... experienced it all it seems, and new craziness comes up every so often.

It's important to know you're "normal" and belong. Grief seems to destroy the very fiber of ones being, so being able to read someone else's experience, recovery, and in the end the victory helps those still going through or facing the impending trial. So why allow the world to share with me? Because there might be one man out there going through, who feels as if he's alone, pal ..... you're not alone, and you're not crazy either!

So Far So Good

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I managed to make it through. Actually I didn't just manage I actually blew it's doors off. I didn't shed a single tear, I almost did though when I called my parents to wish them a Happy Thanksgiving (I'm headed out there today) and they put my son on the phone, and before I could say 'hello' he hung up on me! Talk about a blow to the Daddy Ego!

I'm having some well let's just say "interesting" developments in my life..... none of which I want to share with anyone right now. Check back in a few weeks or months and I'll elobarate on them.

As I stated I am heading out to my parents for Thanksgiving today after work (the company believes that it's workers only need 6 paid holidays a year). I have been missing my boy ever since I strapped him into my parents car and watched them drive off nearly 2 weeks ago.

I'm heading into what might be the hardest 2 months of being a widower. Christmas and my wife's birthday. I'm not worried about Valentine's Day because everyday she was my valentine. Christmas though was her holiday, she'd bake and cook, decorate and sing all day long. The tree would be out by now and the decorations brought up from the basement, about 3-4 storage tubs worth. That is unless we decide on a real tree. There's a tree farm about 5 miles from our home that we would go to every year. Hot apple cider, honey sticks, and an ornament every year is what we'd get in addition to the tree. They'd take your picture with it and the next year when you came back for your tree they'd give you the picture from the previous year. They display them all in there retail store on the property. It was a tradition that I enjoyed (I'm not a Christmas fan, it's lost it's meaning, become too commercial and I have some not-so-fond memories from my youth).

So what will this widower be doing for Christmas? Probably visiting the grave of his deceased spouse, making hot cocoa, sitting in front of the fireplace and watch movies all day. You see my company is so wonderful (see above) that I have to work the 24th and 26th. So I'll be at my folks the weekend before Christmas to celebrate. I'll watch the live-action version of 'The Grinch" (only holiday movie I care for) and then maybe a marathon of my guy movies!

2 weeks after Christmas is my wife's birthday.... she would have been 30 and this year we were going to have a blow-out bash. It's on a Tuesday, so I'll be at work and it'll help distract.

One good piece of news, I think I'm going to bring back my dog this weekend. I miss her, I could use some company around the house. She's BIG, hairy, and warm. I stick my feet under her when I'm cold and she's does a great job of insulating! She was a birthday gift from my wife when we rented our first house. I trained her myself and she's the most well-behaved 80 lb+ dog I've ever known.

I'm sure I'll weigh in on my weekend when I get back, until then enjoy your weekend and those left-over turkey sandwiches!

Why do I even bother

It's 3:30pm and I have done an entire hours worth of work today. I don't even know why I try. I'm glad tomrorow is Thanksgiving, it's going to allow me to catch up on chores, some reading, maybe a little writing and work before I head over the my mother-in-laws (still haven't gotten a ruling on that) for food that will surely stretch my stomach's ability to remain in one piece.

My mind has been scattered today. I've been in different time zones, different eras, different places. My lack of focus is really cutting into my ability to plan and work. I was so distracted today even from the time I woke up that I forgot to put on my watch, I feel naked without the ability to tell time at a moments notice. I have checked multiple times today and yes I did put on pants this morning everyone can relax.

This weekend should be enjoyable that is of course except for the driving, especially Sunday when everyone and their mother is going to be on the road. Luckily it's only a 5 hour drive. The food should be half-way decent. My wife isn't cooking this year obviously so a stellar turkey and fixins might not be what I get. My folks are decent in the kitchen but no one hold's a candle to the family chef (my former wife). She could throw it down in kitchen, and I threw it down at the table, then I threw down my pants because they didn't fit anymore.

I won't post again until Friday when I'm at work, most likely by myself. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about my first holiday without my spouse. Christmas is the one I dread, that was her favorite. 34 days and counting...... but I'll take that bump when it gets here.

Reaching Out

I am accomplishing nothing today. I have spent most of my morning reading the blog of "A Young Widower" it's helping me sort a few things out for myself.

I used to be a real loner, hated spending time with people, didn't like to share my life. Alot has changed over the past 20 years for me, I'm a different man, a new man. I realize that it's impossible to go through this life and not share it. If you're not sharing your life then you must not be living one at all. This man who wrote the blog I read is sharing his life with the world, and years after he wrote this it's still helping people cope, deal, and relate.

I like sharing my life, because I like living.

I think about what I'm doing with my life, when I die what will men say about me? My wife's funeral was packed with people, we nearly filled the entire church, front to back, top to bottom. It was on a Thursday morning/afternoon I was surprised at how many came. She was buried 30 min away from our church at a cemetary where we lived. The funeral procession was quite long, cars kept filing into the cemetary. She left a great legacy and touched the lives of so many people. If I died today, what kind of legacy would I leave behind?

I like to write, my writing skills lack form, composition, and a clear narrative but none the less I enjoy writing. I like to make an attempt at capturing a readers imagination, entering their world, painting a picture on a blank canvas and touching the soul. I've always wanted to be a creative person, have some form of creative skill whether it was writing, music, art.... something. I have two book ideas, one about building companies, another about my wife's life. I have several children's books too that I have outlined and begun writing. A goal of mine is to launch a small independent children's book publishing company... it's called MonkeyBoy Books...... in honor of my son and his fascination with books.

I want to leave a legacy of greatness and excellence, to be remembered and impact the lives of many.

On a lighter note

I think I should post at least once with a lighter tone so you all don't think I'm such a dreary person. I share an office with another person. It just so happens this person is a female, and quite frankly she's annoying to the point I'd like to slap her.

Nearly every day her and her boyfriend talk and get into some playful argument about something completely irrelevant to life. Of course this happens when I'm in the room and can't find a sharp thin object to burst my eardrums with. So she constantly rambles on and on and on without regard for her fellow man.

God must have heard my prayers, or wanted to spare this young woman's life because she's not here today. Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's that sound? That's right it's the sound of silence baby! Stupidity is taking a break today and I can just enjoy hopefully some peace and quiet.

Work load should be light today, given the fact that everyone is either leaving or has left for the holidays. I'm going over to my former/current (I'm going to need a ruling on this one) mother-in-laws house for Turkey Day. She's makes Calico Beans for me every year, and I devour them it's great stuff. She's also getting a cherry pie (MY FAVORITE) and cherry cheesecake (WOOO HOOO). I will be brining myself, a pair of stretch pants, and a crane so I can be removed from the house. I think they're trying to fatten me up to keep me unattractive to the opposite sex.

I was watching comedian Bill Engvall talk about how men and women communicate. His story was his buddy and him were at the gym, buddy told him he was getting divorced. Women would have consoled and asked loads of questions about their feelings etc. Engvall responded with "Better work on your abs, you'll be dating again." Sometimes I think I might want to take his advice. I can only allow my waistline to grow so large (ever seen the movie "The Blob"? After being married 6 years and eating my wife's cooking and baking I could swear it's the same size, shape, and consistency.) I'd better get out my "meat pants".

Wrestling with daily heartache

When I got to work this morning I checked my personal e-mail to find my daily message from my mother. She's been sending me scripture verses to help encourage me, and letting me know my son is doing ok. My son........ the source of my heartache.

You see my son has been lviing with my parents since September. My former wife was a stay-at-home mom, I retired her from working so she could focus on me and my son. She said it was the best job she's ever had. We never put him into daycare, didn't want him there at all. When she went into the hospital I needed a caretaker, so I let him go with my parents while I waited by my wife's side. He's been gone since mid-September, and tomorrow's Thanksgiving many days I wonder if I'll ever bring him home.

I was reading the blog of the young widower who's stories have helped me realize I'm not an island unto myself. He wrote of a dream he had that family services came to take away his daughter, so he hid her and she died. I don't have those dreams, but I do have those thoughts. That someone will think I'm an unfit father, that without a woman around 24/7 I can't be allowed to raise a child on my own.

Every day he is away is another day closer I am to death, and one less day I will have with him. I can never relive yesterday.... he's another day older and I missed out on it. I know he is cared for, loved, and spoiled but nothing on this earth can replace the love of a father. No one will ever look at him like I do, no one can imagine who he will become like I do. I see him through the years in my mind, watching every discovery and development. I see the man he is to become, and it breaks my heart that I can't experience the boy that he is today.

What I've Learned So Far

Honestly nothing, I haven't learned anything to which I am not surprised. Something I like to say about myself is this..... "My stupidity at times knows no bounds" I just think about my life and the things that I have done. Many I regret deeply, all I wish I could take back. I used to think that I didn't regret anything that it has all brought me to this point in time. Well that was really a lie, I do regret alot of mistakes.

For a while I blamed the passing of my wife on myself. I was racked with guilt, and I regretted the lack of decisions and the poor decisions I had made. See my wife was showing signs of illness for at least a week before she went into the hospital. I should have taken her home (we were at my parents), the weekend after we found out the fluid was on her heart she got very ill. She wanted to go to the hospital and it was late at night, while she was suffering I was growing angry at her. I realized later that my anger was displaced, it wasn't her I was furious with........ it was my lack of ability to rescue her and to be the protector I so greatly wanted to be.

I love movies, I like to sit at home and watch them for hours. Kettle corn, a blanket, my couch and my movies. I have 2 specific movies that I enjoy the most out of all my collection, "300" and "Black Hawk Down" Total guy movies, but if you look at the underlining characters and themes, you'll find the complexity of a man's heart. We are violent creatures bent on conquering, but why do we conquer? For some it's riches and glory, but for a few of us our reasons are much more pure. In "300" King Leonidas faces the invincible army of King Xeres of Persia. Faced with the heart wrenching decision of death or life he must decide the fate of thousands, but his heart rests on only two, his wife and son. So he gathers 299 of his finest men and leads them to their destruction, all come willingly because they fight for and are willing to die beside each other for the what they treasure most. The same concept is resident is "Black Hawk Down" it's about the men they fought and bled beside, saving them from peril at the risk of their own lives. Men who are willing to lay down their lives for love, for each other.

The Bible talks about a man sacrificing himself for his wife, and how there is no greater love then a man laying down his life for a friend. I still think about my lack of decision making when my spouse was sick, and then I think about the final decision to let her go. I have learned things, I've learned that my decisions, good or bad, pure or unpure, made or not made affect more then myself. It's a scary thing when someone's life is placed in your hands, in the end hers was placed in mine and I sacrificed mine for hers. I chose to bear the sorrow and give her joy. I chose to bear anguish so that she could experience everlasting freedom.

I have found a new fascination with Superman, the symbol fills my computer desktop, the theme song on my phone. I have the symbol posted on this blog. It's the symbol of character that draws me, a rescuer to many. I couldn't rescue my wife, because she didn't need rescuing God called her home. I wanted to be her Superman........but I couldn't be. I have a fear that instead of protecting someone, I'll hurt them. I wonder if anyone really needs a Superman. I have a second chance to be the protector I feel I couldn't be. Before she passed my spouse bore me a son........ and I think he'll need a Superman at least for a little while.