Honestly nothing, I haven't learned anything to which I am not surprised. Something I like to say about myself is this..... "My stupidity at times knows no bounds" I just think about my life and the things that I have done. Many I regret deeply, all I wish I could take back. I used to think that I didn't regret anything that it has all brought me to this point in time. Well that was really a lie, I do regret alot of mistakes.
For a while I blamed the passing of my wife on myself. I was racked with guilt, and I regretted the lack of decisions and the poor decisions I had made. See my wife was showing signs of illness for at least a week before she went into the hospital. I should have taken her home (we were at my parents), the weekend after we found out the fluid was on her heart she got very ill. She wanted to go to the hospital and it was late at night, while she was suffering I was growing angry at her. I realized later that my anger was displaced, it wasn't her I was furious with........ it was my lack of ability to rescue her and to be the protector I so greatly wanted to be.
I love movies, I like to sit at home and watch them for hours. Kettle corn, a blanket, my couch and my movies. I have 2 specific movies that I enjoy the most out of all my collection, "300" and "Black Hawk Down" Total guy movies, but if you look at the underlining characters and themes, you'll find the complexity of a man's heart. We are violent creatures bent on conquering, but why do we conquer? For some it's riches and glory, but for a few of us our reasons are much more pure. In "300" King Leonidas faces the invincible army of King Xeres of Persia. Faced with the heart wrenching decision of death or life he must decide the fate of thousands, but his heart rests on only two, his wife and son. So he gathers 299 of his finest men and leads them to their destruction, all come willingly because they fight for and are willing to die beside each other for the what they treasure most. The same concept is resident is "Black Hawk Down" it's about the men they fought and bled beside, saving them from peril at the risk of their own lives. Men who are willing to lay down their lives for love, for each other.
The Bible talks about a man sacrificing himself for his wife, and how there is no greater love then a man laying down his life for a friend. I still think about my lack of decision making when my spouse was sick, and then I think about the final decision to let her go. I have learned things, I've learned that my decisions, good or bad, pure or unpure, made or not made affect more then myself. It's a scary thing when someone's life is placed in your hands, in the end hers was placed in mine and I sacrificed mine for hers. I chose to bear the sorrow and give her joy. I chose to bear anguish so that she could experience everlasting freedom.
I have found a new fascination with Superman, the symbol fills my computer desktop, the theme song on my phone. I have the symbol posted on this blog. It's the symbol of character that draws me, a rescuer to many. I couldn't rescue my wife, because she didn't need rescuing God called her home. I wanted to be her Superman........but I couldn't be. I have a fear that instead of protecting someone, I'll hurt them. I wonder if anyone really needs a Superman. I have a second chance to be the protector I feel I couldn't be. Before she passed my spouse bore me a son........ and I think he'll need a Superman at least for a little while.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Why so much in one day
This will be my fourth post for the day.... and it's not even over yet. So why so much? Well because I have much to say. I've been reading an old blog about a similar young widow as he details his life (inspiration for mine) and the more I read the more I realize I have a lot of feelings.
In church my pastor has been preaching about lifting the burden and destroying the yoke. God has done this for me and has helped me to realize that even though my wife passed away, I am yet still here. Just because her life on this earth ended, doesn't mean mine has to.
I'm coming to realize that even though I feel alive again, and I'm ready to begin my life fresh and new that doesn't mean I'm numb. I lived for her specifically for the last 4 years since the diagnosis as a good man a good husband should have done. Since then I realized that I don't have to do that anymore, there is no more caretaking, no more doctors appointments, no more days of illness and sadness. It's just me, my son, and my dog we're all healthy and we're all alive.
Since then a flood of emotions has come over me. The finality of what has occured has smacked me in the face and is asking me to embrace it because it'll help to ease the suffering. My cheeks were sore and red from the abuse I refused to acknowledge, since accepting my loss my cheeks hurt less and I'm finding more joy in my life, but my emotions still are somewhat of a roller coaster.
I'm much more focused then I used to be, but I do from time to time drift away. 'Mental Vacations' that's what I'll call them.... times for me to get away and remember. In the days to come I'm going to talk about other 'Mental Vacations' I'm taking for entirely other reasons, but you will just have to wait.
In church my pastor has been preaching about lifting the burden and destroying the yoke. God has done this for me and has helped me to realize that even though my wife passed away, I am yet still here. Just because her life on this earth ended, doesn't mean mine has to.
I'm coming to realize that even though I feel alive again, and I'm ready to begin my life fresh and new that doesn't mean I'm numb. I lived for her specifically for the last 4 years since the diagnosis as a good man a good husband should have done. Since then I realized that I don't have to do that anymore, there is no more caretaking, no more doctors appointments, no more days of illness and sadness. It's just me, my son, and my dog we're all healthy and we're all alive.
Since then a flood of emotions has come over me. The finality of what has occured has smacked me in the face and is asking me to embrace it because it'll help to ease the suffering. My cheeks were sore and red from the abuse I refused to acknowledge, since accepting my loss my cheeks hurt less and I'm finding more joy in my life, but my emotions still are somewhat of a roller coaster.
I'm much more focused then I used to be, but I do from time to time drift away. 'Mental Vacations' that's what I'll call them.... times for me to get away and remember. In the days to come I'm going to talk about other 'Mental Vacations' I'm taking for entirely other reasons, but you will just have to wait.
How to tell the story
I'm not going to talk alot about what the last 7 years were like for me, at least I hope not to. I want to reserve most of that for the book I am working on. My former wife was supposed to write this book, a book about her life, and her journey overcoming cancer. I would encourage her all the time to take some time out of her day to write a little bit. When she would write it was always about two things.... Me and our son.
Her life revolved around those two important people to her. Our pastor had instructed the women to look at their lives as ministry. That their personal ministries were to their husbands and children, she took it to heart and did it with such excellence. She couldnt' chronicle her life and her fight because her mind was elsewhere. Since she couldn't finish it, I've decided to take up that mantle. I'm going to write it from my perspective, and what it was like watching from so close, but from such a distance. It's my tribute to her legacy, to her memory, and a chance for our son to know exactly who he comes from. The working title of the book is "Walk With Me" and if it ever gets published, I'll be sure to tell you when and where you can get a copy.
Her life revolved around those two important people to her. Our pastor had instructed the women to look at their lives as ministry. That their personal ministries were to their husbands and children, she took it to heart and did it with such excellence. She couldnt' chronicle her life and her fight because her mind was elsewhere. Since she couldn't finish it, I've decided to take up that mantle. I'm going to write it from my perspective, and what it was like watching from so close, but from such a distance. It's my tribute to her legacy, to her memory, and a chance for our son to know exactly who he comes from. The working title of the book is "Walk With Me" and if it ever gets published, I'll be sure to tell you when and where you can get a copy.
Where do I begin?
I have a lot to say, and I want to write a lot, so you may find multiple posts in the same day. I like to try and keep them short so as to not bore whatever reader audience I may have.
I was married to my wife for 6 years, we were together for a total of 7. We met at an online dating website and from my end sparks flew, from hers I was an annoyance! In July of 2003 my wife was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). You know it as the leukemia children usually have. It came as quite a shock to us, she had been so healthy. We battled this side-by-side for many years, experiencing relapses and remissions.
In May of 2007 she recieved an all important bone marrow transplant. In September while recovering she became increasingly ill, tired, short of breath. The doctors determined that the peracardium (sack surrounding your heart) was filling with fluid causing fluid to back into her lungs. They decided to admit her, and drain the fluid.
Over the next several days they would drain close to 3 liters of fluid from around her heart, but the damage was already done. She had developed pneumonia, fueled by e-coli it went septic and her body responded by shutting itself down and going into shock.
Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS) developed and her lungs hardened and stiffened and she could not breath on her own. She was on life support, she stayed on it for 4 weeks until her body quit, and I gave the doctors the orders to stop her medications. Minutes later her heart would fail, and she would be gone.
I was married to my wife for 6 years, we were together for a total of 7. We met at an online dating website and from my end sparks flew, from hers I was an annoyance! In July of 2003 my wife was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (ALL). You know it as the leukemia children usually have. It came as quite a shock to us, she had been so healthy. We battled this side-by-side for many years, experiencing relapses and remissions.
In May of 2007 she recieved an all important bone marrow transplant. In September while recovering she became increasingly ill, tired, short of breath. The doctors determined that the peracardium (sack surrounding your heart) was filling with fluid causing fluid to back into her lungs. They decided to admit her, and drain the fluid.
Over the next several days they would drain close to 3 liters of fluid from around her heart, but the damage was already done. She had developed pneumonia, fueled by e-coli it went septic and her body responded by shutting itself down and going into shock.
Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS) developed and her lungs hardened and stiffened and she could not breath on her own. She was on life support, she stayed on it for 4 weeks until her body quit, and I gave the doctors the orders to stop her medications. Minutes later her heart would fail, and she would be gone.
From the Beginning
I created this blog as a way of detailing my life. It's a way for me to flesh out my thoughts, no matter how random they are. I like to write, as much as I like to read. I find it therapeutic, and it helps me keep my sanity. I'm not sure why I'm offering the world a chance to get inside my head. My preliminary thought process is this, what I have gone through, what I'm going and what I will go through isn't covered by most books. I've only found one decent resource that mirrors what is going on. Over my next several posts I'll tell my story, share my life, and let you into my world. Come walk with me.
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