What I've Learned So Far

Honestly nothing, I haven't learned anything to which I am not surprised. Something I like to say about myself is this..... "My stupidity at times knows no bounds" I just think about my life and the things that I have done. Many I regret deeply, all I wish I could take back. I used to think that I didn't regret anything that it has all brought me to this point in time. Well that was really a lie, I do regret alot of mistakes.

For a while I blamed the passing of my wife on myself. I was racked with guilt, and I regretted the lack of decisions and the poor decisions I had made. See my wife was showing signs of illness for at least a week before she went into the hospital. I should have taken her home (we were at my parents), the weekend after we found out the fluid was on her heart she got very ill. She wanted to go to the hospital and it was late at night, while she was suffering I was growing angry at her. I realized later that my anger was displaced, it wasn't her I was furious with........ it was my lack of ability to rescue her and to be the protector I so greatly wanted to be.

I love movies, I like to sit at home and watch them for hours. Kettle corn, a blanket, my couch and my movies. I have 2 specific movies that I enjoy the most out of all my collection, "300" and "Black Hawk Down" Total guy movies, but if you look at the underlining characters and themes, you'll find the complexity of a man's heart. We are violent creatures bent on conquering, but why do we conquer? For some it's riches and glory, but for a few of us our reasons are much more pure. In "300" King Leonidas faces the invincible army of King Xeres of Persia. Faced with the heart wrenching decision of death or life he must decide the fate of thousands, but his heart rests on only two, his wife and son. So he gathers 299 of his finest men and leads them to their destruction, all come willingly because they fight for and are willing to die beside each other for the what they treasure most. The same concept is resident is "Black Hawk Down" it's about the men they fought and bled beside, saving them from peril at the risk of their own lives. Men who are willing to lay down their lives for love, for each other.

The Bible talks about a man sacrificing himself for his wife, and how there is no greater love then a man laying down his life for a friend. I still think about my lack of decision making when my spouse was sick, and then I think about the final decision to let her go. I have learned things, I've learned that my decisions, good or bad, pure or unpure, made or not made affect more then myself. It's a scary thing when someone's life is placed in your hands, in the end hers was placed in mine and I sacrificed mine for hers. I chose to bear the sorrow and give her joy. I chose to bear anguish so that she could experience everlasting freedom.

I have found a new fascination with Superman, the symbol fills my computer desktop, the theme song on my phone. I have the symbol posted on this blog. It's the symbol of character that draws me, a rescuer to many. I couldn't rescue my wife, because she didn't need rescuing God called her home. I wanted to be her Superman........but I couldn't be. I have a fear that instead of protecting someone, I'll hurt them. I wonder if anyone really needs a Superman. I have a second chance to be the protector I feel I couldn't be. Before she passed my spouse bore me a son........ and I think he'll need a Superman at least for a little while.