When I got to work this morning I checked my personal e-mail to find my daily message from my mother. She's been sending me scripture verses to help encourage me, and letting me know my son is doing ok. My son........ the source of my heartache.
You see my son has been lviing with my parents since September. My former wife was a stay-at-home mom, I retired her from working so she could focus on me and my son. She said it was the best job she's ever had. We never put him into daycare, didn't want him there at all. When she went into the hospital I needed a caretaker, so I let him go with my parents while I waited by my wife's side. He's been gone since mid-September, and tomorrow's Thanksgiving many days I wonder if I'll ever bring him home.
I was reading the blog of the young widower who's stories have helped me realize I'm not an island unto myself. He wrote of a dream he had that family services came to take away his daughter, so he hid her and she died. I don't have those dreams, but I do have those thoughts. That someone will think I'm an unfit father, that without a woman around 24/7 I can't be allowed to raise a child on my own.
Every day he is away is another day closer I am to death, and one less day I will have with him. I can never relive yesterday.... he's another day older and I missed out on it. I know he is cared for, loved, and spoiled but nothing on this earth can replace the love of a father. No one will ever look at him like I do, no one can imagine who he will become like I do. I see him through the years in my mind, watching every discovery and development. I see the man he is to become, and it breaks my heart that I can't experience the boy that he is today.
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