It's 3:30pm and I have done an entire hours worth of work today. I don't even know why I try. I'm glad tomrorow is Thanksgiving, it's going to allow me to catch up on chores, some reading, maybe a little writing and work before I head over the my mother-in-laws (still haven't gotten a ruling on that) for food that will surely stretch my stomach's ability to remain in one piece.
My mind has been scattered today. I've been in different time zones, different eras, different places. My lack of focus is really cutting into my ability to plan and work. I was so distracted today even from the time I woke up that I forgot to put on my watch, I feel naked without the ability to tell time at a moments notice. I have checked multiple times today and yes I did put on pants this morning everyone can relax.
This weekend should be enjoyable that is of course except for the driving, especially Sunday when everyone and their mother is going to be on the road. Luckily it's only a 5 hour drive. The food should be half-way decent. My wife isn't cooking this year obviously so a stellar turkey and fixins might not be what I get. My folks are decent in the kitchen but no one hold's a candle to the family chef (my former wife). She could throw it down in kitchen, and I threw it down at the table, then I threw down my pants because they didn't fit anymore.
I won't post again until Friday when I'm at work, most likely by myself. I'm sure I'll have a lot to say about my first holiday without my spouse. Christmas is the one I dread, that was her favorite. 34 days and counting...... but I'll take that bump when it gets here.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Reaching Out
I am accomplishing nothing today. I have spent most of my morning reading the blog of "A Young Widower" it's helping me sort a few things out for myself.
I used to be a real loner, hated spending time with people, didn't like to share my life. Alot has changed over the past 20 years for me, I'm a different man, a new man. I realize that it's impossible to go through this life and not share it. If you're not sharing your life then you must not be living one at all. This man who wrote the blog I read is sharing his life with the world, and years after he wrote this it's still helping people cope, deal, and relate.
I like sharing my life, because I like living.
I think about what I'm doing with my life, when I die what will men say about me? My wife's funeral was packed with people, we nearly filled the entire church, front to back, top to bottom. It was on a Thursday morning/afternoon I was surprised at how many came. She was buried 30 min away from our church at a cemetary where we lived. The funeral procession was quite long, cars kept filing into the cemetary. She left a great legacy and touched the lives of so many people. If I died today, what kind of legacy would I leave behind?
I like to write, my writing skills lack form, composition, and a clear narrative but none the less I enjoy writing. I like to make an attempt at capturing a readers imagination, entering their world, painting a picture on a blank canvas and touching the soul. I've always wanted to be a creative person, have some form of creative skill whether it was writing, music, art.... something. I have two book ideas, one about building companies, another about my wife's life. I have several children's books too that I have outlined and begun writing. A goal of mine is to launch a small independent children's book publishing company... it's called MonkeyBoy Books...... in honor of my son and his fascination with books.
I want to leave a legacy of greatness and excellence, to be remembered and impact the lives of many.
I used to be a real loner, hated spending time with people, didn't like to share my life. Alot has changed over the past 20 years for me, I'm a different man, a new man. I realize that it's impossible to go through this life and not share it. If you're not sharing your life then you must not be living one at all. This man who wrote the blog I read is sharing his life with the world, and years after he wrote this it's still helping people cope, deal, and relate.
I like sharing my life, because I like living.
I think about what I'm doing with my life, when I die what will men say about me? My wife's funeral was packed with people, we nearly filled the entire church, front to back, top to bottom. It was on a Thursday morning/afternoon I was surprised at how many came. She was buried 30 min away from our church at a cemetary where we lived. The funeral procession was quite long, cars kept filing into the cemetary. She left a great legacy and touched the lives of so many people. If I died today, what kind of legacy would I leave behind?
I like to write, my writing skills lack form, composition, and a clear narrative but none the less I enjoy writing. I like to make an attempt at capturing a readers imagination, entering their world, painting a picture on a blank canvas and touching the soul. I've always wanted to be a creative person, have some form of creative skill whether it was writing, music, art.... something. I have two book ideas, one about building companies, another about my wife's life. I have several children's books too that I have outlined and begun writing. A goal of mine is to launch a small independent children's book publishing company... it's called MonkeyBoy Books...... in honor of my son and his fascination with books.
I want to leave a legacy of greatness and excellence, to be remembered and impact the lives of many.
On a lighter note
I think I should post at least once with a lighter tone so you all don't think I'm such a dreary person. I share an office with another person. It just so happens this person is a female, and quite frankly she's annoying to the point I'd like to slap her.
Nearly every day her and her boyfriend talk and get into some playful argument about something completely irrelevant to life. Of course this happens when I'm in the room and can't find a sharp thin object to burst my eardrums with. So she constantly rambles on and on and on without regard for her fellow man.
God must have heard my prayers, or wanted to spare this young woman's life because she's not here today. Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's that sound? That's right it's the sound of silence baby! Stupidity is taking a break today and I can just enjoy hopefully some peace and quiet.
Work load should be light today, given the fact that everyone is either leaving or has left for the holidays. I'm going over to my former/current (I'm going to need a ruling on this one) mother-in-laws house for Turkey Day. She's makes Calico Beans for me every year, and I devour them it's great stuff. She's also getting a cherry pie (MY FAVORITE) and cherry cheesecake (WOOO HOOO). I will be brining myself, a pair of stretch pants, and a crane so I can be removed from the house. I think they're trying to fatten me up to keep me unattractive to the opposite sex.
I was watching comedian Bill Engvall talk about how men and women communicate. His story was his buddy and him were at the gym, buddy told him he was getting divorced. Women would have consoled and asked loads of questions about their feelings etc. Engvall responded with "Better work on your abs, you'll be dating again." Sometimes I think I might want to take his advice. I can only allow my waistline to grow so large (ever seen the movie "The Blob"? After being married 6 years and eating my wife's cooking and baking I could swear it's the same size, shape, and consistency.) I'd better get out my "meat pants".
Nearly every day her and her boyfriend talk and get into some playful argument about something completely irrelevant to life. Of course this happens when I'm in the room and can't find a sharp thin object to burst my eardrums with. So she constantly rambles on and on and on without regard for her fellow man.
God must have heard my prayers, or wanted to spare this young woman's life because she's not here today. Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's that sound? That's right it's the sound of silence baby! Stupidity is taking a break today and I can just enjoy hopefully some peace and quiet.
Work load should be light today, given the fact that everyone is either leaving or has left for the holidays. I'm going over to my former/current (I'm going to need a ruling on this one) mother-in-laws house for Turkey Day. She's makes Calico Beans for me every year, and I devour them it's great stuff. She's also getting a cherry pie (MY FAVORITE) and cherry cheesecake (WOOO HOOO). I will be brining myself, a pair of stretch pants, and a crane so I can be removed from the house. I think they're trying to fatten me up to keep me unattractive to the opposite sex.
I was watching comedian Bill Engvall talk about how men and women communicate. His story was his buddy and him were at the gym, buddy told him he was getting divorced. Women would have consoled and asked loads of questions about their feelings etc. Engvall responded with "Better work on your abs, you'll be dating again." Sometimes I think I might want to take his advice. I can only allow my waistline to grow so large (ever seen the movie "The Blob"? After being married 6 years and eating my wife's cooking and baking I could swear it's the same size, shape, and consistency.) I'd better get out my "meat pants".
Wrestling with daily heartache
When I got to work this morning I checked my personal e-mail to find my daily message from my mother. She's been sending me scripture verses to help encourage me, and letting me know my son is doing ok. My son........ the source of my heartache.
You see my son has been lviing with my parents since September. My former wife was a stay-at-home mom, I retired her from working so she could focus on me and my son. She said it was the best job she's ever had. We never put him into daycare, didn't want him there at all. When she went into the hospital I needed a caretaker, so I let him go with my parents while I waited by my wife's side. He's been gone since mid-September, and tomorrow's Thanksgiving many days I wonder if I'll ever bring him home.
I was reading the blog of the young widower who's stories have helped me realize I'm not an island unto myself. He wrote of a dream he had that family services came to take away his daughter, so he hid her and she died. I don't have those dreams, but I do have those thoughts. That someone will think I'm an unfit father, that without a woman around 24/7 I can't be allowed to raise a child on my own.
Every day he is away is another day closer I am to death, and one less day I will have with him. I can never relive yesterday.... he's another day older and I missed out on it. I know he is cared for, loved, and spoiled but nothing on this earth can replace the love of a father. No one will ever look at him like I do, no one can imagine who he will become like I do. I see him through the years in my mind, watching every discovery and development. I see the man he is to become, and it breaks my heart that I can't experience the boy that he is today.
You see my son has been lviing with my parents since September. My former wife was a stay-at-home mom, I retired her from working so she could focus on me and my son. She said it was the best job she's ever had. We never put him into daycare, didn't want him there at all. When she went into the hospital I needed a caretaker, so I let him go with my parents while I waited by my wife's side. He's been gone since mid-September, and tomorrow's Thanksgiving many days I wonder if I'll ever bring him home.
I was reading the blog of the young widower who's stories have helped me realize I'm not an island unto myself. He wrote of a dream he had that family services came to take away his daughter, so he hid her and she died. I don't have those dreams, but I do have those thoughts. That someone will think I'm an unfit father, that without a woman around 24/7 I can't be allowed to raise a child on my own.
Every day he is away is another day closer I am to death, and one less day I will have with him. I can never relive yesterday.... he's another day older and I missed out on it. I know he is cared for, loved, and spoiled but nothing on this earth can replace the love of a father. No one will ever look at him like I do, no one can imagine who he will become like I do. I see him through the years in my mind, watching every discovery and development. I see the man he is to become, and it breaks my heart that I can't experience the boy that he is today.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
What I've Learned So Far
Honestly nothing, I haven't learned anything to which I am not surprised. Something I like to say about myself is this..... "My stupidity at times knows no bounds" I just think about my life and the things that I have done. Many I regret deeply, all I wish I could take back. I used to think that I didn't regret anything that it has all brought me to this point in time. Well that was really a lie, I do regret alot of mistakes.
For a while I blamed the passing of my wife on myself. I was racked with guilt, and I regretted the lack of decisions and the poor decisions I had made. See my wife was showing signs of illness for at least a week before she went into the hospital. I should have taken her home (we were at my parents), the weekend after we found out the fluid was on her heart she got very ill. She wanted to go to the hospital and it was late at night, while she was suffering I was growing angry at her. I realized later that my anger was displaced, it wasn't her I was furious with........ it was my lack of ability to rescue her and to be the protector I so greatly wanted to be.
I love movies, I like to sit at home and watch them for hours. Kettle corn, a blanket, my couch and my movies. I have 2 specific movies that I enjoy the most out of all my collection, "300" and "Black Hawk Down" Total guy movies, but if you look at the underlining characters and themes, you'll find the complexity of a man's heart. We are violent creatures bent on conquering, but why do we conquer? For some it's riches and glory, but for a few of us our reasons are much more pure. In "300" King Leonidas faces the invincible army of King Xeres of Persia. Faced with the heart wrenching decision of death or life he must decide the fate of thousands, but his heart rests on only two, his wife and son. So he gathers 299 of his finest men and leads them to their destruction, all come willingly because they fight for and are willing to die beside each other for the what they treasure most. The same concept is resident is "Black Hawk Down" it's about the men they fought and bled beside, saving them from peril at the risk of their own lives. Men who are willing to lay down their lives for love, for each other.
The Bible talks about a man sacrificing himself for his wife, and how there is no greater love then a man laying down his life for a friend. I still think about my lack of decision making when my spouse was sick, and then I think about the final decision to let her go. I have learned things, I've learned that my decisions, good or bad, pure or unpure, made or not made affect more then myself. It's a scary thing when someone's life is placed in your hands, in the end hers was placed in mine and I sacrificed mine for hers. I chose to bear the sorrow and give her joy. I chose to bear anguish so that she could experience everlasting freedom.
I have found a new fascination with Superman, the symbol fills my computer desktop, the theme song on my phone. I have the symbol posted on this blog. It's the symbol of character that draws me, a rescuer to many. I couldn't rescue my wife, because she didn't need rescuing God called her home. I wanted to be her Superman........but I couldn't be. I have a fear that instead of protecting someone, I'll hurt them. I wonder if anyone really needs a Superman. I have a second chance to be the protector I feel I couldn't be. Before she passed my spouse bore me a son........ and I think he'll need a Superman at least for a little while.
For a while I blamed the passing of my wife on myself. I was racked with guilt, and I regretted the lack of decisions and the poor decisions I had made. See my wife was showing signs of illness for at least a week before she went into the hospital. I should have taken her home (we were at my parents), the weekend after we found out the fluid was on her heart she got very ill. She wanted to go to the hospital and it was late at night, while she was suffering I was growing angry at her. I realized later that my anger was displaced, it wasn't her I was furious with........ it was my lack of ability to rescue her and to be the protector I so greatly wanted to be.
I love movies, I like to sit at home and watch them for hours. Kettle corn, a blanket, my couch and my movies. I have 2 specific movies that I enjoy the most out of all my collection, "300" and "Black Hawk Down" Total guy movies, but if you look at the underlining characters and themes, you'll find the complexity of a man's heart. We are violent creatures bent on conquering, but why do we conquer? For some it's riches and glory, but for a few of us our reasons are much more pure. In "300" King Leonidas faces the invincible army of King Xeres of Persia. Faced with the heart wrenching decision of death or life he must decide the fate of thousands, but his heart rests on only two, his wife and son. So he gathers 299 of his finest men and leads them to their destruction, all come willingly because they fight for and are willing to die beside each other for the what they treasure most. The same concept is resident is "Black Hawk Down" it's about the men they fought and bled beside, saving them from peril at the risk of their own lives. Men who are willing to lay down their lives for love, for each other.
The Bible talks about a man sacrificing himself for his wife, and how there is no greater love then a man laying down his life for a friend. I still think about my lack of decision making when my spouse was sick, and then I think about the final decision to let her go. I have learned things, I've learned that my decisions, good or bad, pure or unpure, made or not made affect more then myself. It's a scary thing when someone's life is placed in your hands, in the end hers was placed in mine and I sacrificed mine for hers. I chose to bear the sorrow and give her joy. I chose to bear anguish so that she could experience everlasting freedom.
I have found a new fascination with Superman, the symbol fills my computer desktop, the theme song on my phone. I have the symbol posted on this blog. It's the symbol of character that draws me, a rescuer to many. I couldn't rescue my wife, because she didn't need rescuing God called her home. I wanted to be her Superman........but I couldn't be. I have a fear that instead of protecting someone, I'll hurt them. I wonder if anyone really needs a Superman. I have a second chance to be the protector I feel I couldn't be. Before she passed my spouse bore me a son........ and I think he'll need a Superman at least for a little while.
Why so much in one day
This will be my fourth post for the day.... and it's not even over yet. So why so much? Well because I have much to say. I've been reading an old blog about a similar young widow as he details his life (inspiration for mine) and the more I read the more I realize I have a lot of feelings.
In church my pastor has been preaching about lifting the burden and destroying the yoke. God has done this for me and has helped me to realize that even though my wife passed away, I am yet still here. Just because her life on this earth ended, doesn't mean mine has to.
I'm coming to realize that even though I feel alive again, and I'm ready to begin my life fresh and new that doesn't mean I'm numb. I lived for her specifically for the last 4 years since the diagnosis as a good man a good husband should have done. Since then I realized that I don't have to do that anymore, there is no more caretaking, no more doctors appointments, no more days of illness and sadness. It's just me, my son, and my dog we're all healthy and we're all alive.
Since then a flood of emotions has come over me. The finality of what has occured has smacked me in the face and is asking me to embrace it because it'll help to ease the suffering. My cheeks were sore and red from the abuse I refused to acknowledge, since accepting my loss my cheeks hurt less and I'm finding more joy in my life, but my emotions still are somewhat of a roller coaster.
I'm much more focused then I used to be, but I do from time to time drift away. 'Mental Vacations' that's what I'll call them.... times for me to get away and remember. In the days to come I'm going to talk about other 'Mental Vacations' I'm taking for entirely other reasons, but you will just have to wait.
In church my pastor has been preaching about lifting the burden and destroying the yoke. God has done this for me and has helped me to realize that even though my wife passed away, I am yet still here. Just because her life on this earth ended, doesn't mean mine has to.
I'm coming to realize that even though I feel alive again, and I'm ready to begin my life fresh and new that doesn't mean I'm numb. I lived for her specifically for the last 4 years since the diagnosis as a good man a good husband should have done. Since then I realized that I don't have to do that anymore, there is no more caretaking, no more doctors appointments, no more days of illness and sadness. It's just me, my son, and my dog we're all healthy and we're all alive.
Since then a flood of emotions has come over me. The finality of what has occured has smacked me in the face and is asking me to embrace it because it'll help to ease the suffering. My cheeks were sore and red from the abuse I refused to acknowledge, since accepting my loss my cheeks hurt less and I'm finding more joy in my life, but my emotions still are somewhat of a roller coaster.
I'm much more focused then I used to be, but I do from time to time drift away. 'Mental Vacations' that's what I'll call them.... times for me to get away and remember. In the days to come I'm going to talk about other 'Mental Vacations' I'm taking for entirely other reasons, but you will just have to wait.
How to tell the story
I'm not going to talk alot about what the last 7 years were like for me, at least I hope not to. I want to reserve most of that for the book I am working on. My former wife was supposed to write this book, a book about her life, and her journey overcoming cancer. I would encourage her all the time to take some time out of her day to write a little bit. When she would write it was always about two things.... Me and our son.
Her life revolved around those two important people to her. Our pastor had instructed the women to look at their lives as ministry. That their personal ministries were to their husbands and children, she took it to heart and did it with such excellence. She couldnt' chronicle her life and her fight because her mind was elsewhere. Since she couldn't finish it, I've decided to take up that mantle. I'm going to write it from my perspective, and what it was like watching from so close, but from such a distance. It's my tribute to her legacy, to her memory, and a chance for our son to know exactly who he comes from. The working title of the book is "Walk With Me" and if it ever gets published, I'll be sure to tell you when and where you can get a copy.
Her life revolved around those two important people to her. Our pastor had instructed the women to look at their lives as ministry. That their personal ministries were to their husbands and children, she took it to heart and did it with such excellence. She couldnt' chronicle her life and her fight because her mind was elsewhere. Since she couldn't finish it, I've decided to take up that mantle. I'm going to write it from my perspective, and what it was like watching from so close, but from such a distance. It's my tribute to her legacy, to her memory, and a chance for our son to know exactly who he comes from. The working title of the book is "Walk With Me" and if it ever gets published, I'll be sure to tell you when and where you can get a copy.
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