Recent Developments

Well yesterday if you hadn't noticed there was no post, that is because my truck decided it was going to throw a fit and cost me a arm and a leg to get fixed. I never made it to work which is where I usually write my entries. I was quite surprised with my response to the knowledge of finding out that I might have had to sell my son to pay for the repairs. Usually I would have flipped out and panicked.... but after what I've been through what's the point?

So now I'm tooling around in this 05/06 Corolla wondering if my behind is dragging across the ground and if I need to "Flintstone" it to get it up to speed. Merging is a bear because this thing lacks the power ypick-up has, but it's only temporary.

So yesterday I finally said "good-bye" to my late wife. I had done this several times before, but this was different. I went to visit her grave, and I told her things I had never told her before. I then explained to her that I needed to move on in my life, and that although I love her, my life is still continuing on this earth. Since I'm still here...... I need to get to work. I told her I'd visit the grave with my son every so often, maybe once or twice a year, but I wouldn't be talking with her anymore because it's just not healthy. This was a big deal for me, because it means that I truly accept her passing and acknowledge that my life needs to start again. I've got a son, a house, a career, and my life to put back together and in order. I have to understand that I'm going to do that alone. Tonight when I get home I'm going to take down some of the pictures I have on the mantle over my fireplace. That area of the house is like a monument to her and our life together. She was a MAJOR part of my life, 7 years worth, but that segment of the journey is over I see no need to try and relive it. I want to remember it fondly yet I don't want to dwell in the past and miss the present and future. Some pictures will go up to my son's room, some will remain on the mantle, but I have to make room for new memories, new experiences, and new pictures on that mantle. There has to be room for something else.

So I met with my Pastor yesterday, and we talked at length about this next phase in my journey. We brought up re-marriage and dating. This was birthed out of the fact that I ended up on a date about aweekand a half ago. That was what I called "interesting" in one of my previous posts. This date was purely by accident I thought it was innocent and we were just two people hanging out on a Saturday night..... I was wrong. My Pastor knew that this happened because I had told him last week. So we dicussed this and why I'm not ready. I honestly thought I was okay with trying a date or two on a very casual basis, but he pointed out something that I had not realized. Even though it's been 2 months now, and that because of our circumstance I was very prepared for her passing, I still wasn't totally healed. I had dealt with my grief but healing was not complete. He likened it to an athlete who tears their ACL. They feel great and believe they can play, but if they come back too soon they're going to wreck their health. So we decided in the mean time that I'd be ineligible and we'd probably discuss this again in April/May and by then I might be ready to get back into the game.

So these are the latest developments in my life. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend planned.