Behind

I'm having a bit of a franktic day, can't post too much now. News at 11 (or maybe tomorrow).

Getting Closer

I do apologize for not writing the last several days, it's just that nothing profound has happened, and I like to write when something significant has happened or I just ramble on. I appreciate the comment on my previous posting about pictures in the house and memories of my late wife and how that will affect my new wife. It was nice to hear from an independent third party, thank you poster whoever you are.

It's getting closer to Christmas (hence the post title) less then a week away. I leave this Friday to travel to my parents house to spend Christmas with my immediate family. There are only 5 of us now (since the passing of my wife) and maybe my brother's girlfriend will show making it six. It's a small intimate gathering, nothing special, we eat food and play games which is the highlight of Christmas for us. When my wife first came back with me over Christmas while we were dating she was quite shocked. Her family isn't much into playing games, and my family is big into it we bond that way and enjoy the competition (it can get cutthroat though). There is only 1 grandchild so the focus is on him and since we're all older the presents under the tree aren't as many so gift opening doesn't take too long. I got an e-card from my son today (he's 17 months old.....a genius of course, but thanks to my mom he was able to articulate his activities quite well) He proceeded to tell me in his Arthur (see PBS kids if you don't know who Arthur is) card about his adventures at my folks home with the presents under the tree, his failed attempts at opening them, and his first encounter with Santa Claus.... he kept himself composed, but he said he was a little scared.

This of course will be his second Christmas already, my mind keeps going back to last Christmas. How he tore into the candy canes, and kept trying to ingest the wrapping paper as he didn't quite know what to do with the presents. It was the first time he started to drink from a glass, no bottle not even a sippy-cup, I was really torn up about it, almost to the point of getting upset. Here my 5 month old son is drinking out of a glass, he was growing up too fast. You see I was his primary caregiver, but I was so concerned with my wife's health that I never felt like I got enough time to enjoy him as a baby. It was our first Christmas in the new home, my wife was home from the hospital and seemed to have enough strength to enjoy the holidays. She helped our son unwrap all of his gifts and I took pictures. This year the gathering will be in Wisconsin, and it won't be on Christmas at all. I'm actually doing quite well with it being the first Christmas without her.... but then again the month isn't over quite yet. I have to work on the 24th and the 26th so that will help occupy my mind. Christmas Day there is a pageant at church, and a service and that will help eat up some of my day. I have movies planned for the afternoon and evening, and I'm inviting company over the spend the day with me.

On a lighter note, I have a second job interview scheduled for next week. I will most likely turn down the job if it's offered, but it's good experience in interviewing, and it could be a confidence builder for me. I have a job, so I'm not desperate which means I can be super-choosy.

Thank you commenter's for your comments, I enjoy reading them and responding to them, I encourage people to leave their thoughts, questions, opinions...... it's nice to know that I'm not writing just for myself.

What is running through my mind

I didn't feel like writing yesterday, hence no post. I only like to write when I'm inspired to do so, otherwise you get absolute garbage, it's forced and not natural. Now you may say "YW, most of what you write is drivel" to you I say I find another blog to read!

I met with my Pastor on Wednesday and he dropped a bomb on me that after about 5 seconds of thinking about it I realized was 100% the truth. I haven't finished grieving my late wife. She's still there, and I haven't fully processed everything and filed it away. I thought I was doing great, I didn't break down in tears, I didn't wail uncontrollably, heck I even shower and bath on a daily basis. I have been eating, shaving, and making it to work but I haven't fully grieved the loss of my spouse, in part because I fail to know how to properly grieve.

Today marks the two month anniversary of her passing. I have noted before that I believe she passed in early October, and that all I did was keep her body going via a breathing machine and blood pressure medications, her spirit had already ascended I just didn't want to acknowledge it. Actually I was holding out hope, waiting for that one glimmer of possibility that she'd pull through that I could use to justify keeping her body going, nothing wrong with that. I was being a husband, standing by her side to the very end.

Now it begins a process for me, taking a mental inventory and allowing myself to let go and feel the pain and loss. I'm a bit scared because I worried that maybe, just maybe I might not come out of it. That if I dwell on her loss too much, I'll stay there instead of doing what I want to do, and that's move on and live. I don't think that'll happen, I've grown too much over the last 4 years to allow myself to slip into some pseudo-depression, I have too much life in me, too much to offer to others. I'm looking forward to cleaning house and filing everything away so that things are tidy for the new life coming my way.

Am I sorrowful today? No.... I'm reflective. I was reflecting this morning on my way to work. Tears nearly welled up in my eyes, but nothing fell. It wasn't because I stopped them and held them back, it was because thoughts of her turned to joy. I'm going to go through her clothes this weekend. Boxing up everything and giving it away. I'm going to slowly take every article of clothing and try and tie a memory to it, then process that memory and put it in it's place. I'm not sure what to do about all the photos and knick-knacks. I want to keep them in the house because of my son, but at the same time I think is that disrespectful to whoever I'm going to marry? I want to hang photos of her in my son's room, and my late wife's mother is painting a picture of her and my son from a photo that was taken that I want hung in his room, but will she mind those things being up? She'll go into his room and she all of this stuff, I don't want her to think that she's second place, but I believe my son should be able to partake in those memories of his birth mother..... I wish there was a rule book on this. To those that read this blog, or come across it let me know what you think. Drop a comment and give me your opinion, I'd like to hear what you have to say.

Something I found interesting

Since this is my blog I have the authority to write about whatever I so desire. I found this article on CNN.com I thought it was a worthy enough piece to post in my blog.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/12/13/slainmarine.sdog.ap/index.html

It's the first of it's kind. I bomb dog was given early retirement to be adopted by the family of it's slain handler. I thought it was wonderful, especially since prior to my military retirement (due to an accident which left me disabled) I was on my way to Lackland AFB to re-train as a K-9 handler. I had spent 8 months working beside the K-9 handlers, hanging out at the kennel, going to BBQ's with them, being used in demostrations and in excercises (aka allowed the dogs to attack me; I was wearing a sleeve or suit). I'd help clean the kennels on my off time and care for the dogs. So when I heard about this I thought it would be nice to share.

Post #2 for the Day

Okay, can someone please explain to me why we as human beings exhibit destructive behavior? I would really like to know. Okay I'll start with myself and maybe if anyone out there actually reads what I am writing or comes across this site can help explain to me destructive behavior. It is illogical behavior because you only screw yourself. I'll use myself as an example. I'm not the world's healthiest eater, actually I could stand to lose a good 15-20 and trim myself up (I'd love to get my lazy behind up early every morning and hit the gym, get myself as cut and toned as I was 7 years ago but once I get my son back I can't very well leave him at home alone...back to the point). When my late wife got sick I did alot of research on herbs, supplements, and healthy eating. I started cutting out soda (high fructose corn syrup especially, terrible stuff, I've become somewhat of a label reader), desserts, candy, and junk/snack foods. I started walking the dog every night taking brisk walks. I cut milk out of my diet (not all dairy though) and switched to whole wheat pastas (I like it much better anyways). I'm a tea drinker, and I even switched my chocolate to 70% cocoa because of the flavanoids and health properties. I'm a big proponent of juice, grape, cranberry, and pomegranate. There are no resh vegetables in my fridge, not even carrots which coupled with blue cheese dressing is one of my favorite snacks. So why did I fall off the wagon?

I haven't eaten a salad in who knows when, I've been drinking soda, less water, and less green teas. Guess what my breakfast was this morning? Potato chips and a donut! I brought a soda with me for lunch, and yesterday I had Arby's ham melt and a 10pc jalapeno poppers (I HATE fast food). Oh yea and then there was McDonald's late the other night (NASTY!), and a Klondike bar last night. Can't remember the last time I did a sit-up or a push-up (been over a week). Let's see what else.....oh yea I don't sleep much anymore, stay up too late. I don't read hardly ever, my prayer life isn't as strong as before, and my study of the Bible has taken a dip. I don't work as hard as I used to on my own personal business, and I haven't written anything worthwhile in months. I recognize all of this behavior and yet I don't really care right now to change it, so what triggered all of this in my life where I just don't give a rip? You'd think I' want to improve myself not only for a potential new mate, but also for my own well-being.

Human nature is very odd, it's not so black-and-white......and that doesn't work for me.

Morning Reflections

This morning I awoke to a winter wonderland in my backyard. After getting dressed and moments before I headed out of the house I noticed that my backyard was sparkling. I gave a closer look out the window and gazed upon a breathing taking sight. Ice had covered all the grass, cattails, and tree limbs behind my house. The tall tan grass and cattails that guard my pond shimmered in the sunlight. The small grouping a trees looked as if they had been bathed in crystal and diamonds. The backyard looked as if it had been flash frozen in time. It was a sight to behold. It got my thinking about how it looks on a sunny fall day. You see the tall grass and cattails turn a gorgeous tan, the algae that covers the pond a beautiful mint-green, the sumac a firey red, and the leaves, shades of gold and orange. The sun backlights it all and adds a warm hue that brings comfort and peace. It made me want to run upstairs, change and throw on my robe, brew some hot tea and stare out the windows for hours, but then I thought what would be the point. You see I have no one to share this with, I'm alone.

I find that in life everything is better when you can share it with someone. You always have someone who can walk with you down memory lane, who was there to experience the same thing you did. Can you enjoy life on your own? Of course you can, don't be silly. Sharing however is a wonderful thing, it makes life that much sweeter. I don't have anyone to share with, and that makes me feel that much more alone. I like to share in life, share in the laughter, the sorrow, the ups and the downs. Everything is better when there is someone to share with, even if it's a dessert and you want it all to yourself, that cake has never tasted better.

I miss the companionship I shared with my late wife. I couldn't tell her everything that was going on with me because she didn't have the strength to help me bear that burden. One thing she did was made me feel amazing. Everything little thing I did for her was spectacular, or in her words....fabulous. I was the center of her world.... and even though I couldn't' share everything with her she shared it all with me. She made me feel special, she made me feel loved, and even though I couldn't have a normal life with her she did give me some type of companionship. I never realized until now how important that is to me, and how hard it is to not have that in my life. I'm sure I'll find a companion again one day, it's the wait that is killing me. I've been waiting for years to share my life with someone without reservation, I hope I don't have to wait too much longer.

Dealing with Death

I got a call last night from Songstress, one of her friends from high school passed away after a long bout with cancer. She was quite broken up about it, it hit her pretty hard because she's dealt with alot of death in her life the last several years. From the loss of a cousin, to the loss of friends and relatives of friends. Songstress was a friend of my late wife and myself, she came and visited us in the hospital when my spouse was getting her bone marrow transplant. I don't know if I ever told her, but that meant so much to me that she would go out of her way to spend time with us. Not alot of people came to see my wife, she was in isolation for over a month, but Songstress ventured out to see her. Visiting hospitals was something that I always dreaded, death hovers over that place like a cloud, sickness in every room, and hope is smothered in fear and pain. Here she was braving all that to see to it that my wife had a visitor that day, it really touched me.

Before Songstress and I got involved (we're not really involved I don't think, nothing is official we're more like friends with feelings, it's complicated) we were friends, fellow church members. Now she needs a friend, and I don't know what to do.

I know first hand about grief and loss. I had lost a child (we miscarried before birthing Little Dog), and I had lost a wife. I know what grief and loss can do to your mental and physical state, and I see what it's been doing to Songstress and even though I've been through it I don't think I'm helping. You see when you dwell so much on death, and you grieve so often you mind begins to take you down roads you have no business being on. I think it was the day of the funeral, or maybe before several people came to my house. We sat in my living room talking and joking around, laughing and telling stories. I never told them but that was such a time of joy for me, it lifted the heaviness off my shoulders, even just for a little while. I've heard stories of people who have grieved so deeply that they've died of no apparent illness. I don't think Songstress is going to grieve that deeply, but I know if you grieve too long, or if you stay down too long that it begins to negatively affect you, emotionally, physically, and mentally.

Sometimes I look at the way I relate to Songstress and I catch myself trying to protect her. I'm a very protective person by nature, and I have feelings of helplessness when I can't protect someone. My son fell down the stairs a few months back, I watched as his little body tumbled down. In a matter of seconds he was off running and laughing, I on the other hand was a wreck. I was supposed to be there for him to make sure he didn't harm himself. I would watch sometimes as my late wife had bone marrow biopsies done, I wanted to take her place, but all I could do is watch. I'm having to watch a friend go through some trying times, and I want to rescue and protect her. I'm afraid of something bad happening to her, but I have to realize that I can't save everyone. Even though I think I'm a Superman, I'm not a saviour.