Some may know that read this blog.....if anyone does read it that yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing. I went to the grave, by myself, something I said months ago that I would never do again unless I was bringing my son. I told myself that I wouldn't talk to her anymore either..... I couldn't help myself. It was a hard walk getting to her plot, I walked slower then usual. The cemetery is a nice one, setback from the road, you can see a nice pond and open field next to it. I said 'hello' to her and began to pour my heart out. I had read her prayer journals that morning until 3:30 am and it broke my heart. I was a terrible husband to her during the first 4 years of our 6 years marriage. No romance, no openness, no intimacy, I was terrible to her. I wouldn't kiss her, tell her I lover her without being prompted. I hurt the woman I loved so deeply, and now she's gone.
I crouched by her plot and weeped, begging her for forgiveness, trying to explain what was wrong with me. I didn't know how to give and receive love, and then when she got sick I was angry that she was sick and my wife was being stolen from me. I was angry because I couldn't heal her, couldn't take her place, I had to watch her suffer and I couldn't do anything. I didn't know she needed me to hold her, stroke her bald head, kiss her and tell her everything was going to okay. I was there for her, no...... I wanted to solve the problem, alleviate it, and make it all go away. I told her how sorry I was, told her I wished I could do it all over..... told her she didn't deserve it and that she was too good for me. I told her that while we were dating, kept telling her I was 'marrying up' and her being with me was out of pity, her good deed.
I left after a few minutes, being there was too much for me, I walked away promising her to return soon, I kept promising her that until I got to the car. I wiped away the dried tears before I went into the store to carry on my day determined to accomplish something. However my night was similar to most nights, dozing off on the couch before heading to bed.
I don't sleep well anymore, haven't for months. Doesn't matter how many hours I get or don't, my sleep is restless, disturbed, I toss and turn constantly. There is something to sleeping next to a gorgeous woman whom you are deeply in love with that brings peace. I don't have that peace, I feel as if I've lost purpose.
I dislike my job..... no..... wait...... I HATE my job. With a fiery passion that would rival the heat of a thousand suns. I tolerated it because I needed to keep the job the family going. My wife and son needed me to produce. My son has been living with my parents for months now for reasons I don't care to share with you. My wife is gone...... I have lost the passion to better myself, to care for things. It takes every once of my being to not walk into my bosses office, tell him I'm out in two weeks, conduct a fire sale of just about everything I own, and leave. My parents have offered me the spare room, I figured that I'd get a job out there clear everything from my name, get a 2 bedroom apartment and let it be my son and me. The situation works, I'm not home enough to care for a home the size I live in now, my parents have a yard if my son needs to run around. Him being with them is better then a daycare until he's old enough for preschool, I won't need to care about furthering myself until I feel like it. Good university there if I wanted a MBA and to one day own a home again. I just don't feel as if I have purpose anymore, and for a man that's a fate worse then death. For me personally to not constantly be working on a life better then the one I'm living, not bettering myself through study, research, or creating I'm falling behind and I won't stand for it. Now however I just don't' care, existing seems to be enough for me..... unfortunately that's not who I am. I'm the type of person who begs you to throw the worst you got at him so he can prove you wrong and overcome. I'll take on anything out there, take the worst and keep on going...... without my wife by my side encouraging me, without my son to come home to everyday and fuel my fire I've lost my purpose. I've lost my passion, and I don't know when I'll get it back. Until then I'm holding on, holding on for a better day.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I've Been Here Before
Hello Everyone,
I was encouraged to blog again to get some of my feelings out the in open. A lot has happened in the 3 months since I last wrote, a lot of revelations about life. I have found out that I was only kidding myself, I'm still grieving. I thought I had finished it, but the truth remains the intensity of it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel suffocated by it, as if I'm drowning in a sea of memory. Monday will mark the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing, a half year has gone by and my life still hasn't started yet.
I tried to fast track my grief, I wanted to get through it so that I could be done with it. I'm not a man who deals well with emotions, I came from the typical macho background of stuffing it deep deep down. Now that I've embraced the grief and finally let it come out I find it so intense that I don't know what to do. I though that by now my life would be moving in a different direction. I'd start to live again, feeling the freedom of being released from the cancer my late wife had. I got more done, lived a fuller life when she was alive, I don't like this new found freedom because it's more of a prison. I feel my health deteriorating, my drive and my passion burns with the intensity of a match in a downpour. I started a blog about the stock market (my passion) and I haven't touched it in a month.
Yesterday I spent a good minute staring into the sink at my job's kitchen area. Just staring, the coffee mug nearly slipping out of my hands. I didn't know where I went, I just know it wasn't anywhere pleasurable. Life seems to be at a standstill, yet time keeps flying by. My son will celebrate his 2nd birthday in only 3 1/2 months. He'll be 2, where has the time gone?
You may be wondering what has become of my and Songstress, well I'll let you know somethings, other are to be kept private. Things haven't been well between us lately, rough roads. It's based upon a combination of many things, mainly my status and her personality. She's a wonderful woman, but a very sensitive woman. Far more sensitive then anyone I've ever known, not the kind of person you'd pair with a widower and that's where the problem lies. I'm a widower, I still love my late wife and no one woman that I know wants to share the love of her man with another woman, dead of alive. I don't blame her, or any woman for that matter. You dream of marrying a man who wants to do it all for you, pledge his undying love to you, create a world around you, not a man who has 'episodes' where he finds himself in the arms of his late wife reliving a memory of times gone by.
I love Songstress, and I love my late wife, differently of course. I'll never stop loving my late wife, when you've been married and pledged your undying love to a woman you will love her until you die. It would be the same if Songstress and I were married first and she passed. It's intense for me because we have a child together, we lost a child together, battled cancer for 4 years together, spent 7 years together, but we never had a chance to say goodbye together. A life cut short, both hers and mine.
So where does this leave me? In the same place I have been, only know I realize where I am. The life before me still isn't defined. Lately I've been wondering if I'd prefer to be alone. You see I was alone often when my late wife was sick. She'd be in the hospital for days and weeks at a time. She was in a coma for a month before passing. I grew used to be alone, not having time for friends because my focus was my son and ill wife. I wonder why I want to remarry, why I want to find someone else. I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life, I have love to give, I enjoy sharing my life with someone, I want my son to have the best life possible. I want more children too, I want a family. However I question if there are any women out there who could embrace a widower the way I want them to? Sometimes I think if I can find someone to love my son while I'm at work then that's all I need. Single parents make things work, and the children can come out well rounded. My son has been with my parents for the last 6 months, he loves them and they've re-built their lives around him. Leaving him in that situation could work, the only problem is I live 250 miles away. Getting them to move here seems impossible, but me leaving and going there isn't outside the realm of possibility. It's something that I was sure I'd never do, I had made it up in my mind that I was going to stick it out here regardless. Lately I've been wanting to try a fresh start, I've thought about moving to somewhere that I really want to live (Denver or San Diego) but I have no one there for my son and I'd be too far from my late wife's grave to bring my son to visit.
So for now my life seems in limbo, but it's okay I've been here before.
I was encouraged to blog again to get some of my feelings out the in open. A lot has happened in the 3 months since I last wrote, a lot of revelations about life. I have found out that I was only kidding myself, I'm still grieving. I thought I had finished it, but the truth remains the intensity of it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I feel suffocated by it, as if I'm drowning in a sea of memory. Monday will mark the 6 month anniversary of my wife's passing, a half year has gone by and my life still hasn't started yet.
I tried to fast track my grief, I wanted to get through it so that I could be done with it. I'm not a man who deals well with emotions, I came from the typical macho background of stuffing it deep deep down. Now that I've embraced the grief and finally let it come out I find it so intense that I don't know what to do. I though that by now my life would be moving in a different direction. I'd start to live again, feeling the freedom of being released from the cancer my late wife had. I got more done, lived a fuller life when she was alive, I don't like this new found freedom because it's more of a prison. I feel my health deteriorating, my drive and my passion burns with the intensity of a match in a downpour. I started a blog about the stock market (my passion) and I haven't touched it in a month.
Yesterday I spent a good minute staring into the sink at my job's kitchen area. Just staring, the coffee mug nearly slipping out of my hands. I didn't know where I went, I just know it wasn't anywhere pleasurable. Life seems to be at a standstill, yet time keeps flying by. My son will celebrate his 2nd birthday in only 3 1/2 months. He'll be 2, where has the time gone?
You may be wondering what has become of my and Songstress, well I'll let you know somethings, other are to be kept private. Things haven't been well between us lately, rough roads. It's based upon a combination of many things, mainly my status and her personality. She's a wonderful woman, but a very sensitive woman. Far more sensitive then anyone I've ever known, not the kind of person you'd pair with a widower and that's where the problem lies. I'm a widower, I still love my late wife and no one woman that I know wants to share the love of her man with another woman, dead of alive. I don't blame her, or any woman for that matter. You dream of marrying a man who wants to do it all for you, pledge his undying love to you, create a world around you, not a man who has 'episodes' where he finds himself in the arms of his late wife reliving a memory of times gone by.
I love Songstress, and I love my late wife, differently of course. I'll never stop loving my late wife, when you've been married and pledged your undying love to a woman you will love her until you die. It would be the same if Songstress and I were married first and she passed. It's intense for me because we have a child together, we lost a child together, battled cancer for 4 years together, spent 7 years together, but we never had a chance to say goodbye together. A life cut short, both hers and mine.
So where does this leave me? In the same place I have been, only know I realize where I am. The life before me still isn't defined. Lately I've been wondering if I'd prefer to be alone. You see I was alone often when my late wife was sick. She'd be in the hospital for days and weeks at a time. She was in a coma for a month before passing. I grew used to be alone, not having time for friends because my focus was my son and ill wife. I wonder why I want to remarry, why I want to find someone else. I don't want to be celibate for the rest of my life, I have love to give, I enjoy sharing my life with someone, I want my son to have the best life possible. I want more children too, I want a family. However I question if there are any women out there who could embrace a widower the way I want them to? Sometimes I think if I can find someone to love my son while I'm at work then that's all I need. Single parents make things work, and the children can come out well rounded. My son has been with my parents for the last 6 months, he loves them and they've re-built their lives around him. Leaving him in that situation could work, the only problem is I live 250 miles away. Getting them to move here seems impossible, but me leaving and going there isn't outside the realm of possibility. It's something that I was sure I'd never do, I had made it up in my mind that I was going to stick it out here regardless. Lately I've been wanting to try a fresh start, I've thought about moving to somewhere that I really want to live (Denver or San Diego) but I have no one there for my son and I'd be too far from my late wife's grave to bring my son to visit.
So for now my life seems in limbo, but it's okay I've been here before.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Walking the Fine Line
To My Loyal Readers!
It is amazing how complex a human being can be. In my last post I talked about the challenges Songstress and I were having. After some counseling with our Pastor, alot of root issues began to surface. Turns out I was paying for the mistakes of another even though I gave her everything she wanted and more her concept of love has been tainted by other men in her life that have done her wrong. She believed that the tainted love she received was the best she could ever get, it wasn't her fault, she never was given the chance.
We're working through this together, and she's beginning to make great progress. I don't want you all to believe that she's a project to me, I'm with her for what I see in her, I'm in love with her despite whatever may seem wrong. If you could see what I see, you would have no questions, it would be obvious. Someone posted a comment (please put down a name or something when you leave a comment!) cautioning me to be careful. I thank them for the concern but caution isn't my strong suit! I'm a risk taker, and love is risky if I hold back for even a second there can be divison. I'm running to Songstress with open arms, fully vunerable, what she does with that is up to her. I was once a very closed off man..... it's a miserable way to live.
There are many issues that I'm dealing with that are carry-over from before I met Songstress, and I'm trying to toe the line between protection and secrecy. How do I not involve her because she doesn't need to know the whole story and to bear any extra weight. I believe that women are the weaker vessels, and that a real man is equip to bear much more then a woman as he should. I believe men are to be the Priest, Provider, and Protector of the home, that includes the family that dwells there in.
I'm a HUGE fan of the movie 300, it's become my new favorite along side Black Hawk Down. In that movie King Leonidas leaves his home to defend his country for it's people, for freedom, and for the woman he affectionately calls "His Queen". He sacrifices himself for her, their son, and their way of life. He leads his men into sure death and they go knowing full well what lies ahead, but it is the courage, valour, and strength that causes them to fight to the bitter end. If the Queen knew what really happened on that battle field she may never have been able to endure it, it would have been more then she could have taken or wanted to know, no matter what how strong she was. She stayed at home and fought her own fight from a place of safety. She knew the end result, but didn't know what it took to get there, the blood that was shed, the pain endured, the battles fought. I'm walking that same line with Songstress, how do I protect her but yet keep her close enough to me. It's a fine line to walk..... one day I'll get it right.
It is amazing how complex a human being can be. In my last post I talked about the challenges Songstress and I were having. After some counseling with our Pastor, alot of root issues began to surface. Turns out I was paying for the mistakes of another even though I gave her everything she wanted and more her concept of love has been tainted by other men in her life that have done her wrong. She believed that the tainted love she received was the best she could ever get, it wasn't her fault, she never was given the chance.
We're working through this together, and she's beginning to make great progress. I don't want you all to believe that she's a project to me, I'm with her for what I see in her, I'm in love with her despite whatever may seem wrong. If you could see what I see, you would have no questions, it would be obvious. Someone posted a comment (please put down a name or something when you leave a comment!) cautioning me to be careful. I thank them for the concern but caution isn't my strong suit! I'm a risk taker, and love is risky if I hold back for even a second there can be divison. I'm running to Songstress with open arms, fully vunerable, what she does with that is up to her. I was once a very closed off man..... it's a miserable way to live.
There are many issues that I'm dealing with that are carry-over from before I met Songstress, and I'm trying to toe the line between protection and secrecy. How do I not involve her because she doesn't need to know the whole story and to bear any extra weight. I believe that women are the weaker vessels, and that a real man is equip to bear much more then a woman as he should. I believe men are to be the Priest, Provider, and Protector of the home, that includes the family that dwells there in.
I'm a HUGE fan of the movie 300, it's become my new favorite along side Black Hawk Down. In that movie King Leonidas leaves his home to defend his country for it's people, for freedom, and for the woman he affectionately calls "His Queen". He sacrifices himself for her, their son, and their way of life. He leads his men into sure death and they go knowing full well what lies ahead, but it is the courage, valour, and strength that causes them to fight to the bitter end. If the Queen knew what really happened on that battle field she may never have been able to endure it, it would have been more then she could have taken or wanted to know, no matter what how strong she was. She stayed at home and fought her own fight from a place of safety. She knew the end result, but didn't know what it took to get there, the blood that was shed, the pain endured, the battles fought. I'm walking that same line with Songstress, how do I protect her but yet keep her close enough to me. It's a fine line to walk..... one day I'll get it right.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Hanging on by a thread
Oh the ups and the downs of my world......it's like a rollercoaster except this one I don't enjoy. I grew up in Ohio and we had Cedar Point and Kings Island, two amusement parks. I loved the rollercoaster, but the one I have been on for the last 5 years I could do without.
Things with Songstress started off great when we got back together, but now....... I'm coming to the end of my rope. We've been together now for 2 months, and I have to confess it's been work. There have been many issues to deal with, and many roadblocks to cross over. Never once have I ever truly thought about giving up, but as of right now I'm tired, I'm weary, and I'm wondering how much there is left in the tank and how long will it last.
I'm a great man, I'm not bragging but just confident in myself. I'm a great father to my son, I own my home, I have a VERY bright future. College educated, a Deacon in my church, and I love God. I stood by my ailing wife for 4 years, with her to the very bitter end. I'm young, and I'm not all that bad to look at. I'm no movie star, but I'm not hideous. I treat Songstress like a queen and shower her with love and affection. I'm giving her everything I wanted to give my late wife but couldn't because of her illness. I'm so in love with her that other women don't even exist to me. We went out to lunch today and my boss commented on the single women and how lovely they were..... I didn't even notice any good looking women there. I've made her the center of my world, I've rearranged my home to make sure to it that she's comfortable there, putting away all pictures of my late wife or keeping them out of public view. So why is it that I feel that she treats me like garbage at times and acts as if she wants to push me out the door?
I e-mailed her family after the wedding was called off, I took the blame for everything, pinned it all on me. I wanted to cover her and take any questions, concerns, and speculation off of her and bear it myself. Was I a party to the folly, yes I was...... but there were two of us. Everytime we have any arguement I apologize whether it was my fault or not, in my prayer time I go before God and ask Him to make me a better man, because something I did caused anger, frustration, irritation to rise up in Songstress, even if I didn't do anything wrong. I covered her because love covers the multitude of sins. I've taken the verbal assaults, spent countless hours ministering to her needs, trying to help her, and pouring out everything I had until the tank was empty and then dipping into my reserves. I have work to do, an empire to build yet I'll put it all aside for her, the same way I put my life aside for my late wife. With Songstress though we're not even married yet, still dating..... so why do I do it?
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I have faith for better days to come, a great marriage, a union of oneness, and my love for her and the faith I have keeps me holding on. I know how to suffer through, I did it for 4 years. I just hope that faith, hope, and love is enough for me to hold on to. My relationship I feel from my perspective is on life support..... can it recover? What will it take? It'll take me feeling like I'm not trying to do this alone. I felt like I was believing we'd get back together alone..... now I feel as if I'm trying to keep us together alone. The Bible says not to grow weary in well doing; for you shall reap if you faint not. I went from holding on and hanging on for 4 years to another relationship in which I'm doing the same thing. I want a woman who's willing to invest just as much as I am, someone who wants to fight for a promise, not push away a blessing. For now I'll keep holding on, hanging by a thread, I just hope I dont' have to hold on long and that the thread can bear me up.
Things with Songstress started off great when we got back together, but now....... I'm coming to the end of my rope. We've been together now for 2 months, and I have to confess it's been work. There have been many issues to deal with, and many roadblocks to cross over. Never once have I ever truly thought about giving up, but as of right now I'm tired, I'm weary, and I'm wondering how much there is left in the tank and how long will it last.
I'm a great man, I'm not bragging but just confident in myself. I'm a great father to my son, I own my home, I have a VERY bright future. College educated, a Deacon in my church, and I love God. I stood by my ailing wife for 4 years, with her to the very bitter end. I'm young, and I'm not all that bad to look at. I'm no movie star, but I'm not hideous. I treat Songstress like a queen and shower her with love and affection. I'm giving her everything I wanted to give my late wife but couldn't because of her illness. I'm so in love with her that other women don't even exist to me. We went out to lunch today and my boss commented on the single women and how lovely they were..... I didn't even notice any good looking women there. I've made her the center of my world, I've rearranged my home to make sure to it that she's comfortable there, putting away all pictures of my late wife or keeping them out of public view. So why is it that I feel that she treats me like garbage at times and acts as if she wants to push me out the door?
I e-mailed her family after the wedding was called off, I took the blame for everything, pinned it all on me. I wanted to cover her and take any questions, concerns, and speculation off of her and bear it myself. Was I a party to the folly, yes I was...... but there were two of us. Everytime we have any arguement I apologize whether it was my fault or not, in my prayer time I go before God and ask Him to make me a better man, because something I did caused anger, frustration, irritation to rise up in Songstress, even if I didn't do anything wrong. I covered her because love covers the multitude of sins. I've taken the verbal assaults, spent countless hours ministering to her needs, trying to help her, and pouring out everything I had until the tank was empty and then dipping into my reserves. I have work to do, an empire to build yet I'll put it all aside for her, the same way I put my life aside for my late wife. With Songstress though we're not even married yet, still dating..... so why do I do it?
Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. I have faith for better days to come, a great marriage, a union of oneness, and my love for her and the faith I have keeps me holding on. I know how to suffer through, I did it for 4 years. I just hope that faith, hope, and love is enough for me to hold on to. My relationship I feel from my perspective is on life support..... can it recover? What will it take? It'll take me feeling like I'm not trying to do this alone. I felt like I was believing we'd get back together alone..... now I feel as if I'm trying to keep us together alone. The Bible says not to grow weary in well doing; for you shall reap if you faint not. I went from holding on and hanging on for 4 years to another relationship in which I'm doing the same thing. I want a woman who's willing to invest just as much as I am, someone who wants to fight for a promise, not push away a blessing. For now I'll keep holding on, hanging by a thread, I just hope I dont' have to hold on long and that the thread can bear me up.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Spoiled By Songstress
Well for anyone who reads this blog, if you happen to have caught the comment left on the previous post you'll notice that Songstress left her 2 cents.
Yes, we are officially back on, and better then ever before. We met at Perkins on the 18th and patched everything up. I haven't popped the question yet because I lack a ring and a set date. Both are coming though, I'm sure of it.
So there you have it, Songstress and I are going to be getting married sometime in 2008 I'm sure, I can't wait much longer. I might kidnap her and elope with her if I have to.....she's too good to not be married to. She's my priceless jewel, a precious and rare find.
Yes, we are officially back on, and better then ever before. We met at Perkins on the 18th and patched everything up. I haven't popped the question yet because I lack a ring and a set date. Both are coming though, I'm sure of it.
So there you have it, Songstress and I are going to be getting married sometime in 2008 I'm sure, I can't wait much longer. I might kidnap her and elope with her if I have to.....she's too good to not be married to. She's my priceless jewel, a precious and rare find.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Still Holding
Not too long after I wrote the last post I received an e-mail from my pastor talking about how there is a possibility of reconciliation between Songstress and I. Can I tell you I nearly fell out of my chair. Then something else just as wonderful happened...... she called me.
We talked until early this morning, she mostly dogged me for how much I hurt her..... I sat there taking it, fighting off tears of both hurt and joy. The woman I love is talking to me, even if she was calling me a "jerk" and telling me that " I sucked" and "wasn't cool" it didn't matter, I could hear her voice, even when she didn't talk I knew she was there.
I'm still holding on to that mustard seed, holding on to the little I have left, but that's all I need. So where do me and Songstress stand? We're two seperate individuals, no plans for marriage, not engaged, but there is a possibility that we can begin again. She's very hurt and very angry at me, she doesn't know if she can trust me but I believe over time that can change. Time can heal the heart, I know it can, I'm proof.
If you're just joining us here, take the time to read about Songstress in my earlier posts. Look on the left hand side of the screen, you'll see things dating back to Nov. After my late wife passed on I didn't think I'd ever remarry, who could measure up to such a wonderful woman as she was. Little did I know that God made this woman especially for me, she turned my life on it's ear I didn't know I could love so deeply. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years 5 months prior to our first date (I call him a Mama's Boy Panty Waste because over a 5 year time span he never married Songstress, that guy hasn't a clue what he has missed out on. This woman is the total package...... she's a precious jewel, a rare and priceless find). She was everything I needed, even if I didn't know I needed it. You see she is what I affectionately call "My Little Social Activist". She's out the save the world by herself, she's not the kind of woman who demands a Jaguar, Mercedes, and Gucci. She wants to travel to remote places in the world and rescue the lost. I began to think to myself why is a corporate man like myself who would rather vacation at a 5-star resort with a woman who doesn't mind bathing out of a bucket and sleeping on the floor of a grass hut together? Little did I know that I needed a woman like her to accomplish what I want to do. She's a social worker, and I have a mission to break the back of poverty, to feed thousands, clothe and house thousands...... who better to help me get it done then a social worker. Now we could be business partners only, but I love her too much to just work with her 9-5.
She was made especially for me, I need her. It takes a special woman to love a widower, and to love his son as her own. So if I am given a chance to be with her once again....now that I understand exactly how perfect she is for me I'll cherish her even the more. I thought that I saw her for how wonderful she was before, but now I can see beyond what I could see before. So I stand here holding on, I'll keep you updated.
FYI - To whoever posted that link to Jeremy Camp I appreciate it. Funny thing I have his latest CD 'Carried Me' and I've been listening to it alot lately, I recommend it to anyone.
We talked until early this morning, she mostly dogged me for how much I hurt her..... I sat there taking it, fighting off tears of both hurt and joy. The woman I love is talking to me, even if she was calling me a "jerk" and telling me that " I sucked" and "wasn't cool" it didn't matter, I could hear her voice, even when she didn't talk I knew she was there.
I'm still holding on to that mustard seed, holding on to the little I have left, but that's all I need. So where do me and Songstress stand? We're two seperate individuals, no plans for marriage, not engaged, but there is a possibility that we can begin again. She's very hurt and very angry at me, she doesn't know if she can trust me but I believe over time that can change. Time can heal the heart, I know it can, I'm proof.
If you're just joining us here, take the time to read about Songstress in my earlier posts. Look on the left hand side of the screen, you'll see things dating back to Nov. After my late wife passed on I didn't think I'd ever remarry, who could measure up to such a wonderful woman as she was. Little did I know that God made this woman especially for me, she turned my life on it's ear I didn't know I could love so deeply. She had just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years 5 months prior to our first date (I call him a Mama's Boy Panty Waste because over a 5 year time span he never married Songstress, that guy hasn't a clue what he has missed out on. This woman is the total package...... she's a precious jewel, a rare and priceless find). She was everything I needed, even if I didn't know I needed it. You see she is what I affectionately call "My Little Social Activist". She's out the save the world by herself, she's not the kind of woman who demands a Jaguar, Mercedes, and Gucci. She wants to travel to remote places in the world and rescue the lost. I began to think to myself why is a corporate man like myself who would rather vacation at a 5-star resort with a woman who doesn't mind bathing out of a bucket and sleeping on the floor of a grass hut together? Little did I know that I needed a woman like her to accomplish what I want to do. She's a social worker, and I have a mission to break the back of poverty, to feed thousands, clothe and house thousands...... who better to help me get it done then a social worker. Now we could be business partners only, but I love her too much to just work with her 9-5.
She was made especially for me, I need her. It takes a special woman to love a widower, and to love his son as her own. So if I am given a chance to be with her once again....now that I understand exactly how perfect she is for me I'll cherish her even the more. I thought that I saw her for how wonderful she was before, but now I can see beyond what I could see before. So I stand here holding on, I'll keep you updated.
FYI - To whoever posted that link to Jeremy Camp I appreciate it. Funny thing I have his latest CD 'Carried Me' and I've been listening to it alot lately, I recommend it to anyone.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Steadfast Resolve
My emotions seem to be all over the board today, not uncommon for me given all I've been through. I was talking in my last post about leaving where I live.... I dont' think that's a good course of action. I need to make a stand and not run, I need to be steadfast and hold on. There's the slightest glimmer of hope, so small you cannot see it with the naked eye, that Songstress and I can be married, that we can begin again. God has changed His mind in teh past, God can reconcile and restore us it's not beyond the realm of possibility. If that is the case then I'm holding on to that. Am I a fool to believe that God can bring us together... maybe. Then you can call me a fool to have believed that God could have healed my late wife. I held on with her to the very bitter end. My love for Songstress is no different, I love her as a husband loves a wife and it grows daily. I'm going to have resolve and hold fast in faith and hope. That's all I've got left. The Bible says all it takes is the faith the size of a mustard seed. All I have is a mustard seed size chance, so let me match it with mustard seed size faith.
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