It's been awhile since I blogged about my life in detail. I find it odd, but then again it was the holidays lots of hustle and bustle. Things have calmed somewhat as I enter into the new year.
I just had company at my house, Songstress's parents, younger sister, and her boyfriend came up for the day and spent the night. We had a total of 6 of us plus the dog. It was nice to have the house used for it's intended purpose. They are lovely people and I'm going to be very excited about being apart of that family. Songstress and I have a tentative date set, we haven't run it past our pastor yet, but he's already agreed to start counseling. It's a true blessing to have a spiritual leader who knows exactly what I went through, although he never experienced it himself he did have MANY conversations over the last 4 years with both my late wife and I about our struggles. Technically we're not engaged, but we both want to marry each other.
How did things get to this part, well let me tell you. Meeting with my pastor he's brought up several times how I haven't fully grieved my wife's death. On the 30th of Dec I believe I finished the final grieving that I never did. I spent the day after church on my face before God crying out to Him, afterwards I went downstairs and curled up on the couch, I felt as if I was breaking, then the tears came rolling down my face. I haven't cried like that in months, the last time was the week after the funeral. I weeped and wailed, lamenting her passing, when I stopped I felt spent. I attended the New Year's Watchnight service at church, I came rather down and gloomy but being there lifted my spirit, I came into 2008 a new man.
I'm able to look at her pictures and watch the video's that have her and our son in them, no longer do I skip over them, I actually smile when I watch them. When Songstress came over on New Years Day I felt such a deeper love for her. It was as if areas of my heart had been opened off that were once closed. Our lives, from the passions we share, to the work we do are intertwined.
You might ask how is it that just a few short months after the death of a spouse can someone start talking about marriage, allow me to enlighten you to my life. My marriage wasn't normal, over the last 4 years it veered more towards that of a caregiver and patient relationship. Was there love... of course there was, love was never an issue. Being married to a woman who was as sick as she was didn't allow for a normal marriage in an area. This included intimate times, companionship, even conversation. Try 4 years of at least once a day conversation about chemo, cancer, doctor's appointments, hospital stays, medications, etc. Another point is my wife didn't die suddenly, she slowly passed before my eyes over the years, many ups and downs.
I am have a desire to be a husband, and God knows this and has prepared for me a beautiful woman to have as my wife and for that I am both blessed and joyful.
I'm not sure how much I'll write anymore, my journey as a widower is coming to a close, summertime looks like when we'll be getting married. I've used this blog to help me grieve and gather my thoughts, it has helped me immensely, maybe if someone comes across it it'll help them too. If you're a reader of this blog check back periodically as I may update you as to how my life is going. If not, then I bid you a fond farewell, I'm going to start living again....... and 2008 in doing to be a dynamic year!
Friday, January 4, 2008
Thursday, December 27, 2007
I promise to write~!
Okay, so I didn't write when I told you I would, sue me! (Actually please don't I have enough stress for now thank you!)
Look for an update on the last several days tonight when I get home late from work, or if I actually do work maybe before I leave for the day!
Look for an update on the last several days tonight when I get home late from work, or if I actually do work maybe before I leave for the day!
Friday, December 21, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Getting Closer
I do apologize for not writing the last several days, it's just that nothing profound has happened, and I like to write when something significant has happened or I just ramble on. I appreciate the comment on my previous posting about pictures in the house and memories of my late wife and how that will affect my new wife. It was nice to hear from an independent third party, thank you poster whoever you are.
It's getting closer to Christmas (hence the post title) less then a week away. I leave this Friday to travel to my parents house to spend Christmas with my immediate family. There are only 5 of us now (since the passing of my wife) and maybe my brother's girlfriend will show making it six. It's a small intimate gathering, nothing special, we eat food and play games which is the highlight of Christmas for us. When my wife first came back with me over Christmas while we were dating she was quite shocked. Her family isn't much into playing games, and my family is big into it we bond that way and enjoy the competition (it can get cutthroat though). There is only 1 grandchild so the focus is on him and since we're all older the presents under the tree aren't as many so gift opening doesn't take too long. I got an e-card from my son today (he's 17 months old.....a genius of course, but thanks to my mom he was able to articulate his activities quite well) He proceeded to tell me in his Arthur (see PBS kids if you don't know who Arthur is) card about his adventures at my folks home with the presents under the tree, his failed attempts at opening them, and his first encounter with Santa Claus.... he kept himself composed, but he said he was a little scared.
This of course will be his second Christmas already, my mind keeps going back to last Christmas. How he tore into the candy canes, and kept trying to ingest the wrapping paper as he didn't quite know what to do with the presents. It was the first time he started to drink from a glass, no bottle not even a sippy-cup, I was really torn up about it, almost to the point of getting upset. Here my 5 month old son is drinking out of a glass, he was growing up too fast. You see I was his primary caregiver, but I was so concerned with my wife's health that I never felt like I got enough time to enjoy him as a baby. It was our first Christmas in the new home, my wife was home from the hospital and seemed to have enough strength to enjoy the holidays. She helped our son unwrap all of his gifts and I took pictures. This year the gathering will be in Wisconsin, and it won't be on Christmas at all. I'm actually doing quite well with it being the first Christmas without her.... but then again the month isn't over quite yet. I have to work on the 24th and the 26th so that will help occupy my mind. Christmas Day there is a pageant at church, and a service and that will help eat up some of my day. I have movies planned for the afternoon and evening, and I'm inviting company over the spend the day with me.
On a lighter note, I have a second job interview scheduled for next week. I will most likely turn down the job if it's offered, but it's good experience in interviewing, and it could be a confidence builder for me. I have a job, so I'm not desperate which means I can be super-choosy.
Thank you commenter's for your comments, I enjoy reading them and responding to them, I encourage people to leave their thoughts, questions, opinions...... it's nice to know that I'm not writing just for myself.
It's getting closer to Christmas (hence the post title) less then a week away. I leave this Friday to travel to my parents house to spend Christmas with my immediate family. There are only 5 of us now (since the passing of my wife) and maybe my brother's girlfriend will show making it six. It's a small intimate gathering, nothing special, we eat food and play games which is the highlight of Christmas for us. When my wife first came back with me over Christmas while we were dating she was quite shocked. Her family isn't much into playing games, and my family is big into it we bond that way and enjoy the competition (it can get cutthroat though). There is only 1 grandchild so the focus is on him and since we're all older the presents under the tree aren't as many so gift opening doesn't take too long. I got an e-card from my son today (he's 17 months old.....a genius of course, but thanks to my mom he was able to articulate his activities quite well) He proceeded to tell me in his Arthur (see PBS kids if you don't know who Arthur is) card about his adventures at my folks home with the presents under the tree, his failed attempts at opening them, and his first encounter with Santa Claus.... he kept himself composed, but he said he was a little scared.
This of course will be his second Christmas already, my mind keeps going back to last Christmas. How he tore into the candy canes, and kept trying to ingest the wrapping paper as he didn't quite know what to do with the presents. It was the first time he started to drink from a glass, no bottle not even a sippy-cup, I was really torn up about it, almost to the point of getting upset. Here my 5 month old son is drinking out of a glass, he was growing up too fast. You see I was his primary caregiver, but I was so concerned with my wife's health that I never felt like I got enough time to enjoy him as a baby. It was our first Christmas in the new home, my wife was home from the hospital and seemed to have enough strength to enjoy the holidays. She helped our son unwrap all of his gifts and I took pictures. This year the gathering will be in Wisconsin, and it won't be on Christmas at all. I'm actually doing quite well with it being the first Christmas without her.... but then again the month isn't over quite yet. I have to work on the 24th and the 26th so that will help occupy my mind. Christmas Day there is a pageant at church, and a service and that will help eat up some of my day. I have movies planned for the afternoon and evening, and I'm inviting company over the spend the day with me.
On a lighter note, I have a second job interview scheduled for next week. I will most likely turn down the job if it's offered, but it's good experience in interviewing, and it could be a confidence builder for me. I have a job, so I'm not desperate which means I can be super-choosy.
Thank you commenter's for your comments, I enjoy reading them and responding to them, I encourage people to leave their thoughts, questions, opinions...... it's nice to know that I'm not writing just for myself.
Friday, December 14, 2007
What is running through my mind
I didn't feel like writing yesterday, hence no post. I only like to write when I'm inspired to do so, otherwise you get absolute garbage, it's forced and not natural. Now you may say "YW, most of what you write is drivel" to you I say I find another blog to read!
I met with my Pastor on Wednesday and he dropped a bomb on me that after about 5 seconds of thinking about it I realized was 100% the truth. I haven't finished grieving my late wife. She's still there, and I haven't fully processed everything and filed it away. I thought I was doing great, I didn't break down in tears, I didn't wail uncontrollably, heck I even shower and bath on a daily basis. I have been eating, shaving, and making it to work but I haven't fully grieved the loss of my spouse, in part because I fail to know how to properly grieve.
Today marks the two month anniversary of her passing. I have noted before that I believe she passed in early October, and that all I did was keep her body going via a breathing machine and blood pressure medications, her spirit had already ascended I just didn't want to acknowledge it. Actually I was holding out hope, waiting for that one glimmer of possibility that she'd pull through that I could use to justify keeping her body going, nothing wrong with that. I was being a husband, standing by her side to the very end.
Now it begins a process for me, taking a mental inventory and allowing myself to let go and feel the pain and loss. I'm a bit scared because I worried that maybe, just maybe I might not come out of it. That if I dwell on her loss too much, I'll stay there instead of doing what I want to do, and that's move on and live. I don't think that'll happen, I've grown too much over the last 4 years to allow myself to slip into some pseudo-depression, I have too much life in me, too much to offer to others. I'm looking forward to cleaning house and filing everything away so that things are tidy for the new life coming my way.
Am I sorrowful today? No.... I'm reflective. I was reflecting this morning on my way to work. Tears nearly welled up in my eyes, but nothing fell. It wasn't because I stopped them and held them back, it was because thoughts of her turned to joy. I'm going to go through her clothes this weekend. Boxing up everything and giving it away. I'm going to slowly take every article of clothing and try and tie a memory to it, then process that memory and put it in it's place. I'm not sure what to do about all the photos and knick-knacks. I want to keep them in the house because of my son, but at the same time I think is that disrespectful to whoever I'm going to marry? I want to hang photos of her in my son's room, and my late wife's mother is painting a picture of her and my son from a photo that was taken that I want hung in his room, but will she mind those things being up? She'll go into his room and she all of this stuff, I don't want her to think that she's second place, but I believe my son should be able to partake in those memories of his birth mother..... I wish there was a rule book on this. To those that read this blog, or come across it let me know what you think. Drop a comment and give me your opinion, I'd like to hear what you have to say.
I met with my Pastor on Wednesday and he dropped a bomb on me that after about 5 seconds of thinking about it I realized was 100% the truth. I haven't finished grieving my late wife. She's still there, and I haven't fully processed everything and filed it away. I thought I was doing great, I didn't break down in tears, I didn't wail uncontrollably, heck I even shower and bath on a daily basis. I have been eating, shaving, and making it to work but I haven't fully grieved the loss of my spouse, in part because I fail to know how to properly grieve.
Today marks the two month anniversary of her passing. I have noted before that I believe she passed in early October, and that all I did was keep her body going via a breathing machine and blood pressure medications, her spirit had already ascended I just didn't want to acknowledge it. Actually I was holding out hope, waiting for that one glimmer of possibility that she'd pull through that I could use to justify keeping her body going, nothing wrong with that. I was being a husband, standing by her side to the very end.
Now it begins a process for me, taking a mental inventory and allowing myself to let go and feel the pain and loss. I'm a bit scared because I worried that maybe, just maybe I might not come out of it. That if I dwell on her loss too much, I'll stay there instead of doing what I want to do, and that's move on and live. I don't think that'll happen, I've grown too much over the last 4 years to allow myself to slip into some pseudo-depression, I have too much life in me, too much to offer to others. I'm looking forward to cleaning house and filing everything away so that things are tidy for the new life coming my way.
Am I sorrowful today? No.... I'm reflective. I was reflecting this morning on my way to work. Tears nearly welled up in my eyes, but nothing fell. It wasn't because I stopped them and held them back, it was because thoughts of her turned to joy. I'm going to go through her clothes this weekend. Boxing up everything and giving it away. I'm going to slowly take every article of clothing and try and tie a memory to it, then process that memory and put it in it's place. I'm not sure what to do about all the photos and knick-knacks. I want to keep them in the house because of my son, but at the same time I think is that disrespectful to whoever I'm going to marry? I want to hang photos of her in my son's room, and my late wife's mother is painting a picture of her and my son from a photo that was taken that I want hung in his room, but will she mind those things being up? She'll go into his room and she all of this stuff, I don't want her to think that she's second place, but I believe my son should be able to partake in those memories of his birth mother..... I wish there was a rule book on this. To those that read this blog, or come across it let me know what you think. Drop a comment and give me your opinion, I'd like to hear what you have to say.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Something I found interesting
Since this is my blog I have the authority to write about whatever I so desire. I found this article on CNN.com I thought it was a worthy enough piece to post in my blog.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/12/13/slainmarine.sdog.ap/index.html
It's the first of it's kind. I bomb dog was given early retirement to be adopted by the family of it's slain handler. I thought it was wonderful, especially since prior to my military retirement (due to an accident which left me disabled) I was on my way to Lackland AFB to re-train as a K-9 handler. I had spent 8 months working beside the K-9 handlers, hanging out at the kennel, going to BBQ's with them, being used in demostrations and in excercises (aka allowed the dogs to attack me; I was wearing a sleeve or suit). I'd help clean the kennels on my off time and care for the dogs. So when I heard about this I thought it would be nice to share.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/12/13/slainmarine.sdog.ap/index.html
It's the first of it's kind. I bomb dog was given early retirement to be adopted by the family of it's slain handler. I thought it was wonderful, especially since prior to my military retirement (due to an accident which left me disabled) I was on my way to Lackland AFB to re-train as a K-9 handler. I had spent 8 months working beside the K-9 handlers, hanging out at the kennel, going to BBQ's with them, being used in demostrations and in excercises (aka allowed the dogs to attack me; I was wearing a sleeve or suit). I'd help clean the kennels on my off time and care for the dogs. So when I heard about this I thought it would be nice to share.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Post #2 for the Day
Okay, can someone please explain to me why we as human beings exhibit destructive behavior? I would really like to know. Okay I'll start with myself and maybe if anyone out there actually reads what I am writing or comes across this site can help explain to me destructive behavior. It is illogical behavior because you only screw yourself. I'll use myself as an example. I'm not the world's healthiest eater, actually I could stand to lose a good 15-20 and trim myself up (I'd love to get my lazy behind up early every morning and hit the gym, get myself as cut and toned as I was 7 years ago but once I get my son back I can't very well leave him at home alone...back to the point). When my late wife got sick I did alot of research on herbs, supplements, and healthy eating. I started cutting out soda (high fructose corn syrup especially, terrible stuff, I've become somewhat of a label reader), desserts, candy, and junk/snack foods. I started walking the dog every night taking brisk walks. I cut milk out of my diet (not all dairy though) and switched to whole wheat pastas (I like it much better anyways). I'm a tea drinker, and I even switched my chocolate to 70% cocoa because of the flavanoids and health properties. I'm a big proponent of juice, grape, cranberry, and pomegranate. There are no resh vegetables in my fridge, not even carrots which coupled with blue cheese dressing is one of my favorite snacks. So why did I fall off the wagon?
I haven't eaten a salad in who knows when, I've been drinking soda, less water, and less green teas. Guess what my breakfast was this morning? Potato chips and a donut! I brought a soda with me for lunch, and yesterday I had Arby's ham melt and a 10pc jalapeno poppers (I HATE fast food). Oh yea and then there was McDonald's late the other night (NASTY!), and a Klondike bar last night. Can't remember the last time I did a sit-up or a push-up (been over a week). Let's see what else.....oh yea I don't sleep much anymore, stay up too late. I don't read hardly ever, my prayer life isn't as strong as before, and my study of the Bible has taken a dip. I don't work as hard as I used to on my own personal business, and I haven't written anything worthwhile in months. I recognize all of this behavior and yet I don't really care right now to change it, so what triggered all of this in my life where I just don't give a rip? You'd think I' want to improve myself not only for a potential new mate, but also for my own well-being.
Human nature is very odd, it's not so black-and-white......and that doesn't work for me.
I haven't eaten a salad in who knows when, I've been drinking soda, less water, and less green teas. Guess what my breakfast was this morning? Potato chips and a donut! I brought a soda with me for lunch, and yesterday I had Arby's ham melt and a 10pc jalapeno poppers (I HATE fast food). Oh yea and then there was McDonald's late the other night (NASTY!), and a Klondike bar last night. Can't remember the last time I did a sit-up or a push-up (been over a week). Let's see what else.....oh yea I don't sleep much anymore, stay up too late. I don't read hardly ever, my prayer life isn't as strong as before, and my study of the Bible has taken a dip. I don't work as hard as I used to on my own personal business, and I haven't written anything worthwhile in months. I recognize all of this behavior and yet I don't really care right now to change it, so what triggered all of this in my life where I just don't give a rip? You'd think I' want to improve myself not only for a potential new mate, but also for my own well-being.
Human nature is very odd, it's not so black-and-white......and that doesn't work for me.
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