My Final Goodbye

I am not going to be long, this will be my final post. Today marks the 7 month anniversary of my late wife's passing. I've used this blog as a means of healing and therapy for me. I still miss her, and I always will. I still love her and I always will. The sting of her passing lessens everyday, it's slowly becoming a dull ache and one day I will be able to look back on our time and see nothing but joy. That day is growing closer everyday, for now when I think or her and see her in pictures I spend my time thinking on those things are are good. I want to thank all who have been reading this and those who have commented. I leave you with this picture, the last we ever took together as a family. This was about a month before her passing, this was the final family photo we ever had. I bid you farewell, this was my story.

My Wonderful Weekend

This was the weekend that I travel to my parents home to visit my son. It's a four and a half hour drive one way, so at times it can get pretty lonely. I generally scan the radio for about two hours continuously searching for a song or two, maybe a bit of news to pass the time. I'm not fond of my Cd's.... listened to them so much, I need new music. I ended up listening to a Milwaukee Brewers baseball game being broadcast..... I like baseball reminds me of being a kid.

I spend less then 48 hours with my son on these weekends, but it's worth the drive just to see him. I'd go every week if I could, gas is so expensive and it's 500 miles round trip, I'd be getting an oil change once a month!

We woke up Saturday morning around 7am and headed out to do our Saturday morning routine. Juice and milk, a diaper change, and toonies (cartoons). Then after about an hour my son is usually ready for breakfast. My mother makes us breakfast which is nice change of pace from me doing all the cooking. So we cycle through his favorite toonies and I take a break to grab a shower and change of clothes. My folks use this time to get housework and/or shopping done and we set out to play. My son loves to roughhouse, so we play pretty hard and invent some fun games. My parents have built their lives around the boy so the house is filled with stuff for him. He has an indoor play slide which we use to launch stuff from. I bought him blocks and we stack them in front of the slide so he can race down it and knock everything over. This time he took his stuffed tiger and let him take the first crack at the brick tower. After wrestling and playing hard for about 2 hours it was time for a snack break. Juice and carrots were on the menu, something we both enjoy. I leaned myself up against the counter and handed him a carrot stick. He looked at me and then turned around, look over his shoulder and backed himself up against the counter, leaning on it the same way I was.

They say imitation is the most sincere form of flattery...... but for me this went beyond flattery. There's nothing better for a father in my opinion then to watch your son want to be like you. Do what you do, and say what you say........ he wants to be just like me.

Checking In

I'm just posting so that my thousands of daily readers still know that I draw breath. I found a blog to follow about another 30yr old widower with an infant daughter. You can find the link on the right hand side of the page, check it out. Not much has been going on in my life lately. I have a job interview next week, and I head out today to see my son. Thunder storm rolled through last night waking me from my sleep. Thunder crashed so much that I was jolted awake and felt like my heart was about to jump through my chest. Left me jittery with no way of calming myself down. It was a spectacular display, lightning so intense that it lit up the entire house and nearly blinded me when I looked out the window. The morning was cool, grey, and dreary..... not the greatest motivator to moving my carcass out of bed.

"Iron Man" comes out today, going to see it with a bunch of my male friends from church. Men's Movie Monday.... it's been awhile since me and the guys got together. I need that male bonding, adult conversation, change of pace. Something I've neglected since the end of the football season, it's been too long. I'm not too deep in thought today, I'm watching the clock waiting to hit the road and get to my boy. The day is going in reverse I believe..... not good at all.

On Days Like Today

I woke up this morning to a cloudy, well overcast, rainy and dreary morning. This is the type of morning where you slowly crawl yourself out of bed to begin your day. You're not in a rush to go anywhere, the day takes a slower pace. The kind of morning where you head down stairs, grab a hot cup of green/herbal tea, sweeten it with some locally produced honey, and in my case watch the rain drops disturb the pond out back. Unfortunately my morning was rushed because I slept in on purpose, and needed to get my behind out the door and on to the job.

I frequent a young widow/ers forum, and came across a post that I found interesting. It dealt with the widow/ers who had what they called "skin hunger". It need for sex and in some cases just the sensation of another human beings body next to theirs. On days like today my "skin hunger" increased in appetite. These are the days when you call in with a mystery "illness" roll over next to the man/woman you deeply love, pull them closer into you, and try to withstanding the radiating heat pulsating from their body. Where you enjoy that hot cup of tea together, and spend the day wrapped in their embrace. Taking frequent trips to the bedroom to engage in treatments for that mystery 'Illness'!!!

I know that I will never again experience that sensation, that feeling with The Mamas anymore, so now my desire turns to that of a woman. To have someones skin next to mine, the feel of my arms around her waist as we let the day slip by under the protection of the blankets. The soft skin on her neck and shoulders, the smell of her hair. I apologize if this seems 'R' rated, but on days like today my mind drifts to how I feel it was intended to be spent. Heading to the porch to sit on a bench listening to the rain drops create a symphony on every exposed surface, the cool of the air, the smell ..... so refreshing.

It is on days like today that I shouldn't be at work, I should be home soaking in the one I love and desire. But alas....... those days will have to wait.

A New Perspective

Last week I met with my Pastor as I usually do every Wednesday. He gave me a book called 'The On-Purpose Person', he recommended I read it and follow it as it should help my need to find purpose. The more I read of the book the more I thought to myself.... "I have to first find my purpose to define whether I'm on-purpose or off-purpose". I don't think I've ever figured that out. In my early twenties I didn't have much desire to have direction in my life. I had just gotten out of the Air Force, moved to a new state and started a new job. I was making good money, living in a one bedroom apartment, and things seemed okay. Granted the work I was doing didn't thrill me, and I was lonely but I had been worse off prior, this was a chance at a new start. Shortly after moving here I met my late wife (I'm going to call her "The Mamas" from now on) we married 11 months after meeting. I started college, taking a pre-algebra class over the summer to brush up my math skills and to test the college waters. I went to community college which helped the transition with the goal of getting a Bachelor's. Not much time passed before I lost my job, and The Mamas got sick. My focus shifted to helping her recover, I didn't finish my degree, but my life was consumed by cancer. It dictated where we went, what we did, and what didn't do. My life lost all sense of direction and purpose, or rather my purpose was redefined to being a husband of a cancer patient and eventually a father.

Now I find myself free of the cancer demon, and unfortunately free of my son for the time being. My wife has passed and I am now lost. Directionless, floating in a infinite ocean of possibility yet so overwhelmed I cannot even put the oars in the water to row myself in a direction. In my mind all I need is a new job, paying more money. Something that when I wake up in the morning I'm not dreading to go to. I'm fulfilled in my career, I am challenged, and I am growing. If I have this then I can bring my son home, and stop a lot of the personal anguish I have when I go home. However I don't feel as if this is all that needs to happen, there has to be more.

I find myself very tired, run down, and worn out. I haven't had a vacation in 5 years however taking a vacation seems to be irresponsible given my situation. So as I read this book I'm going to try and gain a new perspective on life. I'm going to attempt to become more on-purpose and figure out my purpose. I wonder however what will become of my life as I do this. What will I have to get rid of, or whom?

Mind Tricks & Thunderstorms

I find it amazing as to how powerful your mind can be. My mind played a great many tricks on me this morning, and it had a tremendous affect on my whole body. Last night I had a dream about my late wife, I dreamt of her for the first time in months. In the dream I remember meeting her and saying to her "You're alive". I can't remember anything else we did in the dream, anything after that seemed insignificant. I woke up fully expecting her to be laying beside me in bed. Reality then sat in as she wasn't there. My dream convinced me so much that I believed my reality had changed. I dreamt that the house I grew up in had totally been changed and it upset me even though I haven't lived there in well over a decade. I woke up from this dream breathing heavy as if I had just experienced a nightmare. I woke up jittery, like I had sucked down a whole pot of espresso. The mind is so powerful, that is affected everything about me, and it did so when I was most vulnerable.

Last night wasn't all bad. Songstress came over to help me with my bad back. I took my son to the children's museum this weekend, and I failed to stretch. I'm not in toddler shape and I didn't take this into account as I climbed through all the caves and tunnels and played hard with my son. She helped to relieve the pain I was feeling and I can say I'm more mobile now. Last night we experienced a fantastic thunderstorm. I'm a big fan of watching thunderstorms, something about them fascinates me. So I sat on my porch and listened to the thunder crash, watched bolts of lightning illuminate the sky, and listened to the downpour of giants raindrops smashing against everything. I love the smell of rain, feeling the temperature drop ten degrees as the black ominous clouds roll into blotting out the sun and unleashing its furry upon all below it. Something about that time makes me feel at peace. Maybe it's knowing that during thunderstorms like that being next to the one you love curled up together in a loving embrace experiencing and commenting on the unfolding of such an awesome array of nature is time well spent. Possibly it's feeling the security of feeling that touch, the comfort that it brings, that even though the storms of life roll through life there is someone to cling to in times of calamity. Such a peace it brings, the calm before and after the storm.

Today Is Another Day

After going through the roughest two weeks I've experienced in a long while I never thought I'd look forward to Monday, but I was. This is the start of a new week, a chance to get back the lost time and to get my life started on the right track. However on the day when I want to get everything started fresh, something always comes up.
I spent a wonderful weekend with my son playing how father's and son should play. Went to the children's museum and played for 4 hours crawling and running, climbing and looking. Everything is interactive so nothing is off limits. We enjoyed ourselves and the fun didn't stop there. We rough-housed all weekend long, playing in the yard and at the playground. As much fun as this was, there are consequences when you're not in toddler shape. I woke up this morning with my back locked up and wondering if I was every going to move again. A nice hot shower and multiple aspirins later I'm moving around although it's at the pace where me and Grandpa would be neck-and-neck in a race to the buffet line at The Old Country Buffet, but hey it's movement.

I'm looking forward to the coming months. The spring always makes for a great time of year to be active which I desperately need. I'm looking forward to slowly investing in my life and making the most of all that I have. With every morning comes a new challenge, every morning is a new fight, but every morning is a new opportunity to discover and a new obstacle to overcome.